I'm supposed to be making cowboy coffee cake for Friday Morning Coffee. It is half put together and mixed in the kitchen. I have to take a break though. I thought maybe I would escape the tears today. I felt great when I woke up and the sun was shining. But the pain has rolled in with the clouds. Grief and tears began to linger just under the surface. And one of the things I have learned from this journey is that if I don't let the tears fall, if I don't feel what I need to feel, then the pain will hang around all day. And they day will be shot. So here I am writing, getting it all out. Letting the tears fall.
I can't believe it's been three years since we went through all this. The flashbacks are serious this year. Lying in the hospital, watching the clock, praying to make it to 48 hours. Last night as I was getting ready for bed, I remembered how Willy brought me the three HUGE containers of different types of M&M's. Us hanging out there, nervously joking around, not knowing what was just around the corner.
Tonight marks three years since we learned Lucas' heart quit beating. The horrible pain that came at that moment, and then the knowledge that I had to keep it held together to give Caleb a fighting chance. I'll never forget those quiet moments when the nurses, then Dr M searched and searched for some sign of a heartbeat. And then when she looked at me with the sad look, and I knew.
There are a lot of reason why the pain is so raw and intense this year. It has really caught me by surprise. Thanks to my friends and family who have shared their love and prayers this month, and over the past three years as we've walked through all this. You all mean more to me that you can ever know. Sorry for the tear jerker first thing in the morning, but my tears have fallen this morning. I hope the sun comes out and grief lets me be for today.
Love you baby boys! Off to make some breakfast.
Friday, May 31, 2013
Tuesday, May 21, 2013
There is just over two weeks left until Lucas and Caleb's birthday and anniversaries. I feel the weight of the upcoming dates daily. I had an incredibly hard week last week. I cried everyday five days in a row. I haven't had that since I was three months out, and I am now three years out. A HUGE trigger was hit on an already bad day. My heart was ripped open, the healing scars that were already being tugged from Mother's Day were torn to shreds. The pain was that raw.
It's cloudy out today. Storms have been rolling through since Sunday evening. Yesterday a devastating tornado hit two elementary schools in Oklahoma, along with hundreds of homes and a hospital. But the schools, oh my. The pain I imagine those parents felt knowing their children were in those schools, and not knowing if their children would be walking out of the rubble that was left. It hurts my already fragile heart. I've tried to stay away from the media outpour, as I know watching it all will do nothing to help them.
This year Memorial Day falls a week before Lucas and Caleb's birthday. In 2010, Lucas passed away on Memorial Day, my water broke the Saturday of the holiday weekend. (As I typed this, the memory of Dr M shaking her head, saying "I'm sorry." came rushing back) We have this amazing family weekend planned this for this weekend. And I don't know what to expect emotionally. I know the past two years, the holiday weekend has been tough also. It's almost like the anniversaries hit twice.
I was talking with a close friend, Kathleen, last week. She has the theory that part of the reason for the depth of the pain this year is that we have Simon now. Up until now, the hole Lucas and Caleb left was borderless. It was a hole after Colton and Ethan in our family. Now that Simon is here, there are actual definition to said hole. He acts as the second "bookend". I've put a lot of thought to this, and feel she is so very right. Thank you, Kathleen for your amazing words.
To wrap this up, here are some pictures. I guess next week I'll post an eight month post for Simon along with pictures from months 6-8 in his onesie and sticker. It'll be fun to see how much he has changed all in one post.
Loving some swing time
Love this first pancake!
Look at me mom!!!
Oh my, is all I can say!
Check out those baby blues. Look out Dads!
I can really cheese it up!
Love this little boy
First fishing of the summer
Simon checking out the fishing pole
Ethan graduated from Pre-K on Wednesday. A teary afternoon for this big boy.\
Early morning reading of train book.
Colton won the Spelling award and Super Habit Hero for 99% HABIT points at his award ceremony last Wednesday. So very proud of him!
Tuesday, May 7, 2013
A photo dump?? The sun is shining and I haven't shared pictures of the boys in some time. Maybe tomorrow I'll have a 7 month post up of Simon. (maybe) School is out for Colton next week and that means time will magically re-appear! This summer is going to be so much fun!!
Until next time.....
Not sure if I showed this one, so here it is again. Love how his blue eyes sparkle!
This is the pout look he gets on his face when he's about to get really upset. We don't see it very often.
This is an every diaper change activity if he doesn't have a toy to play with.
Love love love this picture!
Happy Birthday to Colton!
Ethan in the spring program at Ridgekids. It was really cute this year!
Simon meet Goat. Goat meet Simon.
Colton pumped about his skateboard.
At the zoo with the Davenports!
When did Ethan get so big?
I see this expression several times a day. This boy truly loves life.
Simon's first train ride at SDC
Simon checking out the giraffe, just before it tried to lick him.
His smile always brightens my day.
Those baby blues
A typical picture of the three boys. Simon is always watching them act goofy.
Pretty sure Simon knew those gummys were food.
The big boys on the run. ALWAYS!
Taken in January. One of the only pictures I have of him in this hat.
Be still my heart.
Cutting the boys' hair an hour before Grandma called to say that she was going to keep them overnight that weekend. Should have waited.
They really are best friends.
Simon learned to blow raspberries this night. And he spent a good 20 minutes blowing them on Colton's shoulder. I have a video, but can't get it to load.
Until next time.....
Wednesday, May 1, 2013
The number of months since Lucas and Caleb were born. 1 month shy of 3 years. And this number seems incredibly HUGE right now. It has been 35 months since I held them in my arms.
I had a really hard day yesterday. Willy and I have decided to donate their snap n go stroller and infant seats with bases to one of the fostering agencies here in Springfield. It feels right, it really does. I called yesterday morning to find out the details for dropping them off and made it through the call fine. But when I hung up, the tears stormed down my face. My heart felt like it ripped open again and that I was losing those baby boys all over again. And the tears fell throughout the day. Anytime I thought about Lucas and Caleb, the tears took over. It was different this time, though. I felt great in between those moments. I didn't have this dark cloud constantly hanging over me, it just appeared for a time then left, as did the intense pain.
Willy has said that he'll drop them off. I know there is no way I will be able to. I try to picture myself being there and the image isn't pretty. More like me having a steel grip on the handle of the stroller while crying out, them trying to understand what is wrong with me. Yeah, not such a great idea. And I pretty sure, that is how it would happen. Think I'll just stay home for that one. And if Willy doesn't want to do it, I know there are many friends who will make the drop for us.
We don't want to wait any longer to do this. I think time has done what it can in this area. And it would be pointless if the car seats expire. I hope that these emotions tied to these items are so weighted due to the emotionally charged season.
Today is a rough one also. It has been months, maybe over a year, since I have had a group of rough days. I woke up this morning and knew I was in for a ride today. I really hoped last night that today would be great, and knew that with the rainy weather coming in, that I needed a good day to buffer the rest of the week.
But I miss them. I hurt so much for them right now. And I'm missing them for Simon all of a sudden. Simon LOVES Colton and Ethan so much. His face lights up when they are in the room. And they get laughs out of him that are only for them. He holds my locket often. Up until now it has made my heart swell with love, but recently it brings a little bit of pain.
I know this is another season I have to walk through. It is incredible how one can be busy and almost forget the degree of the pain that comes with losing a child. I am still learning how to grieve for them. Each year, each birthday is different. And I can honestly say this year is a whole lot tougher than last.
35 months have passed. I miss you baby boys.