tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-78927925108687589002024-03-12T19:59:30.570-05:00From Monkeys to Dragonflies and BeyondBuzimommiEhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07639877937550688176noreply@blogger.comBlogger389125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7892792510868758900.post-39452862112153794892020-06-01T11:13:00.000-05:002020-06-01T11:13:30.782-05:003,653 Days, 120 months, 10 Years, 1 decadeNumbers are amazing! You can create different emotions by using different numbers that all mean the same thing. 10 years. Wow, how in the world has it been a whole 10 years? 10 years seems more than 120 months, and more than 3,653 days. I guess maybe it's the gravity of the words. Decade, year, month, days, hours, minutes. But no matter what you are using to measure the time, it still has the ability to hurt as much, as raw, as it did on day one.<br />
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Happy 10th Birthday to my sweet baby boys, Lucas and Caleb. Oh how you are missed by so many. Our days are busy with the other four boys. And the world is a very crazy place right now. I never would have thought that your month, that has for the past ten years been your month, be so full of unease and unknown. While it has kept my mind preoccupied, your memory still weaves in and out of my thoughts throughout the days. What would it have been like trying to distance learn with six boys instead of just the four? Ugh, five chrome books in this house... Would there be more noise, more distractions? Would two more boys in the house meant more fighting or more options for grouping off in fun?</div>
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I have learned so much through this journey. I have striven to make your deaths more than a tragic event. You have shaped me to be the mom that I am, the woman that I am, and the friend that I am. I am grateful for everyone who has stood by me these past ten years as I've continued to navigate my way through this. All the babyloss moms in the first couple of years that I stood with to help bring to light that 1 in 4 pregnancies end in loss. What a community we formed as we grieved our babies and then had our rainbow babies. You will all have such a special place in my heart. And the work we all put in to form this amazing community. It was for you, Lucas and Caleb. And for their babies. And all the babies that have been and will be gone too soon. It is for their mommas who are learning to find their way through the fog and into the sunlight. </div>
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I want to also talk about my faith and trust in God. I remember so vividly lying there in the hospital bed, knowing I had to make the choice. Was I going to give in and trust that God had this all along, or was I going to be angry and believe that the universe just had it out for me. It was only a moment, but I believe it defined all the moments since. I am grateful for all who surrounded me and encouraged me to feel all the emotions even when it meant being angry. I'll never forget being told, "It's okay to be angry at God, you just can't stay angry." Wow, still very powerful words that stick with me. I chose to look at everything and everyone God placed in my life in the months leading up to your birth so that I would make it through intact. And the people who I've crossed paths with or shared your story with in perfect timing. I am grateful I made the choice I made in that single moment.</div>
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So here we are. Ten years out. It's been an incredible journey and will continue to be so. Your short lives will continue to impact others for years to come, decades really. I embrace the hard moments when I miss you intensely because it makes you feel close. And the moments in between are ones I enjoy being surrounded by four boys who bring love and chaos to my life. Your hole will always be there. Sometimes it's huge and can't be missed, sometimes it just a slight crack in the middle. We've all felt it, we all talk about the two of you in those moments. </div>
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Happy Birthday sweet boys. You are loved. You are missed.</div>
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BuzimommiEhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07639877937550688176noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7892792510868758900.post-66990262398418947672017-06-01T08:12:00.001-05:002017-06-01T08:12:22.172-05:00Seven YearsHappy Seventh Birthday, my dear sweet boys! Oh how I wish we were celebrating this morning with balloons down the hall, the birthday banner we always hang, and two special birthday cakes just for you. Instead we'll make cupcakes as a family and we're going to buy two little seven year old boys in foster care special gifts. I love the idea, I love that because of the two of you that two little boys who need some extra love are going to feel it. But it doesn't take away the pain of your not being here. Love you sweet boys! <div>
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This is the first year I have cried on Lucas and Caleb's birthday. Honestly, it has always been a day where we smiled, celebrated their short lives, and enjoyed time together. I am sure we'll make it to that this afternoon. But this year has been incredibly hard. The grief has been intense, the bouts of crying ugly. I have had so many flashbacks, and I have once again found myself dealing with guilt.</div>
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I know it is probably a combination of things that is making it so hard, or maybe it really isn't. Maybe it has something to do with the ages of Simon and Benjamin this year. I missed out on so much during this season with Colton and Ethan. Maybe it is just how grief is. It is ugly, it is frustrating, and it is it's own beast. I have been surprised this year by how much pain I have felt leading up to this day. This is the most I have cried and grieved since their first birthday. </div>
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I am grateful for the love and support those in my life show me this time of year. That even seven years later, when I am in the church bathroom crying, they are still loving and encouraging. They are praying with me and for me. They give me the, "This sucks, I love you." glance. I hope that all moms who are missing their babies are surrounded by the same. Because I know I couldn't walk this alone. I have learned that I don't have this, that grief can still pack a punch, and keep on punching.</div>
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A while back I made this blog private since I wasn't writing anymore. Life became busy, I wasn't really needing or using this space as I once did. But I'm going to open it back up for awhile. Maybe I'll write some more here, or maybe there is someone out there who is searching for a similar story to hers. </div>
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BuzimommiEhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07639877937550688176noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7892792510868758900.post-63970872364960616972015-03-05T15:14:00.000-06:002015-03-05T15:14:28.469-06:00Dreaming and Waking and Thinking and CryingI had the scariest dream this morning. It was so incredibly real, I woke up cold all over and in tears. <div>
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~~ We were swimming at a pool and Simon was running from me. I took off to catch him from the other direction and he didn't meet me. He didn't meet me. My heart started to race. I started to scream. I was looking down at the water, not up. I knew he fell in. I saw him from across the pool at the bottom and I dove in screaming. By the time I got to him, a lifeguard was pulling him out. But he wasn't doing CPR. He was staring at him, shaking his cheeks. Every few seconds Simon would almost draw a breath, then his head would fall to the side. His eyes seemed to be screaming for help. I was screaming at the lifeguard.~~</div>
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I woke up.</div>
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And cried. </div>
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It took me some time to calm down and warm up enough to wake Willy for some support. I heard Simon talk in his sleep. I went up to kiss him and came back to bed. I felt angry at this lifeguard, not understanding why he wasn't doing more to save my little boy. Then I began to think of all the things we need to do to protect him. He's full on two now. He knows what he wants and is incredibly stubborn and determined to figure out a way to get it. I can't keep him off the top bunk of the big boys' beds, doorknobs are no longer a deterrent for him. And there's the pools and parks this spring and summer. </div>
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Then I began to really think about the worst of it. I don't want to, but I can imagine the pain of him not being here. I can go there too quickly, and this time of year, it doesn't take a whole lot. Losing Lucas and Caleb, my mind takes off to that awful place on its own. And then the floodgates open. Thoughts, memories, tears, all take on a life of their own. I have to hold on tight at the moment to the sound of Benjamin's monitor ticking, and the knowledge that Simon is in his bed, I just kissed his head, and he is safe right now. And the sound of Colton and Ethan "walking" down the stairs. </div>
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I've been spending more time in prayer lately. This time of year usually brings me closer to God. This morning was no different. I feel His comfort and strength as I move through the day. I was able to get out of bed and go about normal snow day business. And the boys have been able to move through their day without picking up on my pain. The big boys know this time of year. That's another post for another day. How much I hate that they have to walk this also.</div>
BuzimommiEhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07639877937550688176noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7892792510868758900.post-17940940098070765932015-02-19T10:25:00.001-06:002015-02-19T10:25:13.982-06:00Five Years Part 1Five years ago yesterday we found out we were having twins. They were pretty sure they were identical, but they were growing well. Our life was headed for a HUGE change. I remember Willy and I asking the technician if she was joking. We were shocked. And I was really excited. Everyone was. I still remember many details from that day. Riding home from the doctor, thinking how I was going to be a mom of twins. I always wanted twins, not sure why, but I did. I remember telling Dru at work and how excited she was. IT was a huge birthday surprise! She told the entire dining center in one loud announcement. There were phone calls and emails. This was really going to happen.<br />
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Here's the first blog post when we announced here and began the journey.<br />
http://earlstwins.blogspot.com/2010_02_01_archive.html<br />
I was so excited to share with the world our experiences being pregnant and raising twins, along with two other boys. <br />
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And here I am five years later. I still feel a sting when I wake up on February 18th. I woke up in a bad mood yesterday, but couldn't place it until the afternoon. I know the next three and a half months are going to have some hard moments, days when the tears just flow. I know by now to embrace those days for what they are. They are now moments when I can just stop and concentrate on the two little boys who aren't running around, adding to our wonderful chaos.<br />
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I miss them dearly. I hate that there are days when I am just so busy with our four living sons, that they don't cross my mind except for a fleeting thought. Their picture is by the bed, I say goodnight every night. I packed most of their shelf away when we listed the house on the market. I am so looking forward to putting it back up one day when we move.<br />
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Five years ago, it hadn't crossed my mind yet that this was the journey laid out for us. There has been incredible <i>heart-wrenching pain</i>, but there has been<i> indescribable joy</i> also. There were days when I didn't believe I would ever be happy again, and now most days I am blown away by happiness I feel.<br />
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The healing that has been brought is amazing. I love that there are friends and family that continue to love, mention, remember, and embrace Lucas and Caleb. There will always be a hole where they belong, but being surrounded by such amazing people softens the edges that were once very jagged.<br />
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<br />BuzimommiEhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07639877937550688176noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7892792510868758900.post-25371052011726876472015-02-06T15:06:00.000-06:002015-02-06T15:06:41.541-06:00Time Flying-This has been a crazy hectic week. But looking back, I think that is most weeks right now. Four boys to take care of, a house trying to sell, and my Scentsy business growing again. It seems like some days drag on, but really, they just fly by. <div>
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Here is a snip-it of our week. We managed to sign Colton up for spring and summer baseball. And then transfer both big boys to a different school across town. It happened that most of Colton's ball team also go to their new school. (I'm not going into reasons why we're transferring right now, but know it's been in the works for awhile) The big boys start there on Monday. Simon has potty trained this weekend. Like pretty much on his own. Love this!!!! I truly despise potty training, it's the one part of parenting I would gladly pay someone to do. And Benjamin rolled over this morning. How does that happen?</div>
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I have three Scentsy parties this month, and we're getting ready to roll out the new catalog in March. Everyone seems to be taking advantage of 10% off and are loading up their favorites, along with Washer Whiffs. I have one new team member, a lifelong friend! So excited for her. And I'm trying to bring two more on with me. Not to mention Spring Sprint next weekend! I am so excited for that. It helps that we'll be paying a visit to IKEA. </div>
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Then just the everyday stuff around here. Laundry, dishes, cooking, cleaning, and taking care of of my boys. We've cut back on video games and now tv time as well. There's a lot more music being played in the house, and tons of laughter. The sound of Benjamin laughing at Simon....be still my heart. Simon has also decided he is one of the big boys. He follows them around all the time. And Simon's newest game. Repeating what we are saying during a conversation, like he is the one having the conversation. Makes ordering at a drive thru window quite comical.</div>
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Typing all this, I can see why time is just zooming <strike>past</strike> with us. We're doing our best to embrace the moments. I am beginning to journal again so I can keep more of them recorded. So many times during the day/evening I just want to bottle up the amazing emotions that come with being the momma to these four boys.</div>
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Here are a few pictures to end with. None of the big boys this time around. I'll have to load some with them off my camera.</div>
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BuzimommiEhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07639877937550688176noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7892792510868758900.post-57175529738437509812015-01-08T17:25:00.001-06:002015-01-08T17:25:26.238-06:00The One With All the PicturesI've been putting off writing for a few weeks now. There are so many things I want to share, so many pictures. But catching up with different posts seems overwhelming with everything I am trying to catch up with here at the house. I have some time right now. Benjamin is napping, the other three boys are playing upstairs, and dinner is in the crockpot. So here is a ton of pictures I've wanted to share for some time now, and a few words here and there about them.<br />
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Also, Christmas was crazy with the family, minus short stack, catching the flu. We all had varying degrees of it, but Ethan and Simon were hit incredibly hard. It put our usual holiday festivities on hold for a while, but we were able to squeeze in the important stuff the week of Christmas.<br />
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About 35 weeks pregnant</div>
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We take fun fall pictures every year in front of Willy's parent's house. She always does a great job with the pictures and it's so much fun to play in the leaves with the boys.</div>
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Colton loves gymnastics! And is begging to go back soon.</div>
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Ethan has played to sessions of soccer, and is beginning club soccer this weekend. He forgot his socks in this picture. Better than the weekend before when he had two right shoes.</div>
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Oh my, this smile</div>
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A minute later, Benjamin started crying and Ethan then started to cry saying Benjamin hated him.</div>
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Super proud of how this cake looked!</div>
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Ethan turning SEVEN</div>
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Colton and I had a shopping day right before Christmas. It was a ton of fun hanging out with him.</div>
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I was nervous handing lil one over, but Santa was certain.</div>
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Simon bounced between wanting to cry and being in awe.</div>
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My four boys in front of the tree. Christmas was a little tougher this year than last. It was Christmas number five without Lucas and Caleb. Being busy and up with Benjamin helped some. There will always be a hole there where they should be, though the edges aren't nearly as sharp as that first year. </div>
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Benjamin meeting Grandma Jojo</div>
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And proud Aunt Shari</div>
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My crazy boy with his hat and animals. This is the picture most days during lunch.</div>
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I took the four boys to Jump Mania on New Years Eve to get out of the house and run off some energy. It was a fun, smooth trip.</div>
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Game night with the big boys.</div>
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Dairy free and soy free cake frosting! </div>
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Hot cocoa and cookies after school. The boys were excited!!</div>
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Thanks for checking in over here. Until next time....</div>
<br />BuzimommiEhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07639877937550688176noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7892792510868758900.post-73957483979848088472014-12-03T19:12:00.002-06:002014-12-03T19:12:55.562-06:00How Fast Two Weeks Have Flown ByWow! It seems like it was just a couple mornings ago we were headed in to finally have Benjamin. Instead, it's been two short weeks. I've tried so hard to embrace each moment, for I know how fast it passes, and how quickly one forgets the little moments, the little noises, the tininess of a newborn's nose. I often wish I could bottle the moments up. Each time he smiles the split second before he falls asleep. Each time Simon pats his back or kisses his forehead. <br />
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We're doing much better around here. The boys are back at school, so we have a routine going. Benjamin is sleeping through the night til 3:30 or so. He'll eat and go right back to bed til 7:30. I fell into the three hour schedule during the day subconsciously. I've done it with the other three boys, and helped other moms with their babies. It's become second nature. And Benjamin has taken right to it. I am ever so grateful. And I find it much easier to function when I know what is coming next and when. <br />
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The big boys are doing well. There are moments when I know they are taking advantage of my attention being so split, but for the most part they are falling back into routine. There was even a moment tonight when all four boys were awake and happy. Willy was doing some writing and I was finishing up some bible study questions. And it was relatively quiet. I took a deep breath and just enjoyed the moment, grateful to finally have such a moment. It's all falling into place.<br />
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I have to say that the meals that friends have brought have made a big difference. So much goes on between three and five that the idea of dinner has been daunting. Knowing that a warm meal was going to be served many nights without me having to plan or cook it has taken away some of the pressure. I'm easing back into it, about every other night or so I'm taking care of dinner. And I still have some meals in the freezer. I am so grateful for those freezer bags full of meals I can just through in the crockpot in the morning and forget about.<br />
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Last week was also Thanksgiving and Ethan's SEVENTH birthday. WOW! on that one also. That kid is growing up so fast. He is wanting to help me with nearly every meal in the kitchen. If I'm in there cooking or baking, he is too. And I love it! I love being able to share one of my favorite hobbies with him. It's time we have together, the two of us. We're making memories that I know he'll hold close forever.<br />
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On to some pictures from the last week.<br />
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Wednesday morning snow surprise.</div>
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Happy Thanksgiving.</div>
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Grandma Dru and Grandpa Donica</div>
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Look at that hairline!</div>
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Oh my</div>
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Having a conversation with momma</div>
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Happy Birthday, Ethan!</div>
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Love how this cake turned out</div>
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He often looks like he is deep in thought.</div>
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Simon and I enjoying some tv time together. It seems like it's been so long since he's been able to sit on my lap and lean back like this. I've missed this.</div>
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<br />BuzimommiEhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07639877937550688176noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7892792510868758900.post-38761306403136797932014-11-26T17:23:00.000-06:002014-11-26T17:23:51.553-06:00A Week With BenjaminWow! I can't believe Benjamin has been here a week already. This time goes by so incredibly fast. I try to capture all the amazing moments, but I know many will fade in time. We are finally beginning to settle in some. It's been a tough transition. Going from three to four boys in this house. I am fairly confident that all the moms who have four plus children lied to me when they said two to three was the hardest, after that it was a piece of cake. I think it's a ploy to convince other moms to join the four plus club. The chaos that seems to set in in the afternoons and evenings can be overwhelming. But, we're getting there. Everyone is getting used to the new normal for our house.<div>
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About his first week. Well, he didn't really sleep for the first three days. Only at 20 minute intervals through the day and night. The first 24 hours we had no access to a pacifier. And this boy likes to have something in his mouth to fall asleep with. He spits it out soon after falling asleep, but needs it to get there. And I was informed at 2:30am that the hospital no longer has pacifiers as part of their "baby friendly" policy. Google it, I did at 3:00am after cooling down a little from the frustration of not being able to settle my newest baby to sleep.</div>
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Anyway, it wasn't until my milk came in that Benjamin began to sleep better. He would sleep for 20 or so minutes, wake up a little, cry (this boy screams more than cries), and settle back down for another 20 minutes after some rocking or patting. The first two nights at home he "slept" in his swing next to my bed. Anyone who knows me well, knows how desperate for sleep I had to be for that to happen. Now he's sleeping in his bed, in his room, for 2-3 hours at a time at nights. And what a difference those intervals of sleep make when it comes to the overall atmosphere of our home.</div>
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We went in for a weight check on Monday. He was down to 8lbs1oz from 8lbs10oz at birth. But color looks great, he's nursing really well, and has plenty of wet and dirty diapers that they aren't concerned. He goes back on the 8th for his two week check-up.</div>
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The boys are all enjoying him. The bigs love to hold him every chance they get. Ethan is very helpful around the house and more aware of things in general. Simon is always excited to see Benjamin (Benbaby). He tries to play with him some, and loves to help to burp him. </div>
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Today Colton had an orthodontist appointment and Willy had another appointment. I had to take all four boys out by myself. And we managed to arrive early. Granted some of the early was due to me having the time wrong, but we made it early just the same. And everyone was happy without any problems in the waiting room. It took a little advance planning on my end. Like getting across the parking lot with all four boys without someone getting hit by a car. But we succeeded.</div>
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Benjamin's personality so far seems to match from what I gathered while carrying him. He is very unique from the other boys. He's picky in how he's swaddled, he seems generally happy, but when he's upset, he's very upset. He is such a joy, though. I love how he looks at me and just seems to know it's all okay. And makes me feel that it's all okay.</div>
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Here are some pictures from the week. I'll post his birth story soon. It was a great labor and short delivery.</div>
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BuzimommiEhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07639877937550688176noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7892792510868758900.post-14448397031713679312014-11-05T07:20:00.001-06:002014-11-05T07:23:47.596-06:0038 weeksMonday was officially 38 weeks for this little man growing inside. We're getting so close to meeting him. I'm hopeful he makes his appearance sometime next week. I haven't enjoyed this pregnancy as much as I have the others. My body is older and this is pregnancy number FIVE in EIGHT years. Not to mention the three boys that we're chasing around. I'm grateful for the opportunity to be pregnant and have another baby, but I'm being honest in saying I'm ready for the next season of life.<br />
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We're pretty much ready for Benjamin. Bags are packed, there are meals in the freezer, and a package of diapers in the nursery. The boys are excited, though Simon has no idea what's about to happen. He's been part of the big boy club for about a month now. He spends most of his time following Colton and Ethan around, doing what they're doing. And they are doing pretty well in including him.<br />
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This fall has been busy, making this third trimester fly by. We've had a ton of fun, and still have a full calendar ahead of us. I'm so excited to meet this little guy, but I'm nervous about how the dynamics are going to change. Perhaps more nervous than with the other boys. It's going to be an adventure, that's for sure.<br />
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Here are a few pictures to wrap this up. Maybe the next post will be to introduce Mr. Benjamin.<br />
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38 weeks and enjoying fall wardrobe</div>
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The Halloween haul from the boys this year.<br />
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The blanket and canopy cover aunt Jamie made for lil Benjamin. So in love with this!<br />
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3 am acrobatics starring Benjamin.<br />
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The boys carving pumpkins. Simon refused to touch the pumpkin guts.<br />
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My Halloween costume this year. My husband is quite talented.<br />
<br />BuzimommiEhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07639877937550688176noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7892792510868758900.post-88266319045299808292014-10-06T20:35:00.000-05:002014-10-06T20:35:55.341-05:0034 Weeks and Catching Up<div align="left" class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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We've reached 34 weeks today! Super crazy to think we are so close to meeting our newest lil boy. Benjamin is by far the most active baby I've carried. He moves for long periods of time, several times throughout the day and night. Yes, throughout the night. I often lay awake, enjoying his acrobats for an hour so during the night.</div>
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I'm feeling pretty good most days. It's usually not until the evening that the heartburn and soreness kicks in. I'm tired much of the time. And with everything we have going on around here, my mind is mostly mush. I really still enjoy being pregnant, but they are right when they say that each subsequent pregnancy is harder on your body, not mention it gets tougher as you get older.</div>
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We are making progress on Benjamin's room. His name panels are almost finished. We've put some stuff on the walls. I haven't washed his clothes yet, but they are hanging in his closet. I really need to sit down and make a few lists of things to pack for him and I. I keep thinking about sitting down to do it, but then I get distracted. Hmmm...</div>
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Oh, and we took a trip to Labor and Delivery three weeks ago. As I mentioned Benjamin likes to move a bunch. Well, when he gets to moving for a couple hours at a time, I start to contract. They are still Braxton Hicks contractions, but they get to be 3 minutes apart for several hours. After a couple days of this off and on, we decided it was best to have all checked out. Four hours in L&D, and it was decided he was going nowhere anytime soon. It doesn't happen as often now, but still every couple of days he gets a little crazy in there.</div>
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Here is a 34 week belly picture. He's growing well in there, and is head down!</div>
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I say we've been busy. We really have. We are currently attempting the process of selling our house to an investor, who happens to own the house we want to buy. There's a great lack of communication right now, so we're really just sitting around waiting for him to answer his phone. But that is the plan. And the hope is that we can move before Benjamin arrives. </div>
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And Simon has decided he's ready to potty train. I've never hidden the fact that I detest potty training, because I seriously do. He seems to be really getting the hang of it, though. This is not the time I would have chosen, but he was really having issues with dirty and wet diapers. </div>
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Here are a bunch of fun pictures taken over the last month or so. I thought this would be a quick way to catch up.</div>
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We hit up the corn maze yesterday. This was Simon's first trip. And it started with a two year old meltdown when he decided to run and hide in the corn. After ten minutes or so of being taken out of the maze, we were able to enjoy it together.</div>
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Saturday evening we decided to head to a local park here to let the boys do some hiking. Last time we were there, they wanted to, but Willy wasn't with us so they had to wait.</div>
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After hiking they had a bat flight viewing at the cave below these rocks. This was so much fun. The boys really had a great time watching all the bats. </div>
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Piper is doing well here. She's getting bigger, and still prefers me. Most days I am very much in love with her. Then there are days like today when she just has a hard time staying out of trouble. But who couldn't love a cat this adorable?</div>
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Last week Ethan had a Clifford party at school. It was so much fun to spend an hour with just him in his classroom.</div>
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Aunt Jamie and Simon both celebrated birthdays the last week of September. We decided to have a combined dinner for them. </div>
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Daddy figured out how to put toys in balloons.</div>
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Ethan has been looking forward to this train show since May. He has kept the flier in his room and has been watching the calendar. The boy is seriously passionate about trains. And I embrace it. Reminds me of my grandpa.</div>
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We also had Benjamin's bear made. This bear has SEVEN hearts in it. I love this tradition with our boys. Each one has their special bear that everyone in the family at the time has put hearts in. We've put hearts in for Lucas and Caleb in Simon's and Benjamin's.</div>
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Here is his finished bear. I am so excited about the superhero theme!</div>
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Simon had a morning at the zoo with Willy and I for his birthday. The boy is passionate about animals, and an hour at the zoo (there's not much there to spend more time), is his favorite outing.</div>
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Here's Simon finishing his birthday "doughnut." Really it was a allergy free sugar cookie with allergy free icing. He loved it!</div>
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I can't believe he is already two. The time has gone by so fast, and we enjoy him so very much. He adds an abundance of life and laughter to our family. And I couldn't imagine not having him here.</div>
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He was worn out this day. I embrace these moments, because they are so rare.</div>
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The three boys have enjoyed the cooler weather. I think Ethan and Colton have finally "accepted" him as part of the tribe. They play with him more, and let him join in on their fun more readily. I love watching the three of them together. And when they kiss and hug Simon good night, it just melts my heart.</div>
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Well, that kind of wraps up what we've been doing. Time is ticking and Benjamin will be here soon. I'm really enjoying this time with the boys before chaos returns, hopefully for not quite as long as when Simon was born. </div>
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" />BuzimommiEhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07639877937550688176noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7892792510868758900.post-69318547258658261862014-09-12T17:06:00.001-05:002014-09-12T17:06:43.348-05:00First Day JittersThe first MOPS meeting of the year was this morning. I love MOPS. I've been a part of the same group off and on for six years now. These women are amazing, and I've made some of my greatest friends through this group. I met my phenomenal friend Kristan, who introduced me to Life Fellowship, through MOPS. And these women helped pull me through some of the darkest moments of grief. They were at the hospital, with food for my entire family and prayers for us when Caleb was fighting for his life. They brought meal to us and were at Lucas and Caleb's service. God placed these women in my life, and I am forever grateful. Even though some of my friends that were part of MOPS the first couple of years have graduated, I still hold them so very close to my heart.<br />
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All that being said, I always feel anxious that first meeting. There are always new moms there. And there are always get to know each other games and conversations. These are women I don't know, but will get to know better. And how do you introduce yourself and the number of kids without making them feel awkward? I go over in my head for a few weeks beforehand trying to figure out what I'll say every.single.year. And I always show up clueless about what I'm going to say.<br />
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This year has been no different. I figure the right words will come to me as they are needed. We started with a bingo game this year. The first box was to find a mom who has twins. My first thought was, "Crap." Then I chose to shrug it off and concentrate on the other squares. I was so proud of myself for not dwelling on it like I would have in the past. It didn't even really sting much. Just kind of tapped on my heart, I guess.<br />
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Then we were handed our name tags at the table. The hospitality team made them for us. Here is mine.<br />
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There are six hearts. One for each of my children. To have someone so kind as to include Lucas and Caleb , well there were tears. My heart swelled with love. And it made it easier to answer questions, such as, "How many kids do you have?" Though I didn't mention today that two of them aren't home with me, I never felt the lump in my throat. No one really asked how many, they saw the hearts and asked if Benjamin is number six or seven. Thank you, Stephanie and Sara for your amazing kindness and thoughtfulness. </div>
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I left today feeling loved. Not confused, frustrated, or guilty because I didn't answer the way I felt I should, or my answers made someone feel awkward. </div>
<span id="goog_1987595988"></span><span id="goog_1987595989"></span><br />BuzimommiEhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07639877937550688176noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7892792510868758900.post-83593138897254660262014-08-22T08:36:00.001-05:002014-08-22T08:36:50.383-05:00Back in the SwingToday wraps up the second week of school for the big boys. And I think we are finally getting back into routine around here. At least we are almost making it out the door on time in the mornings. The boys really like their teachers, and are doing well in their classes. The afternoons and evenings are still a little rough, but we're managing. I think I am still trying to fit a ton of stuff in that I really couldn't during the summer. And my Scentsy business is beginning to really take off again, so that keeps me busy, also.<br />
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This boy is getting so big. I love how unimpressed he is here.</div>
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Simon is enjoying them being back at school. He loves his big brothers, but I am sure it is nice to not be yelled at by them all. day. long. I know it's nice to have to be hearing it. I'm also enjoying the one-on-one time with him before Benjamin arrives. I know he is going to have a hard time once Benjamin is here and he realizes Benjamin is here to stay. We took him Wednesday to Build-A-Bear to make a big brother animal. It was so much fun! He chose a bulldog with a dinosaur roar! Love the kid!!<br />
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Speaking of the Simon. The kid is so full of personality! He loves animals and fish! We spend a ton of time watching fish in aquariums. I am so ready for the cooler weather so we can spend more time at the zoo. Our zoo is far from impressive, but watching him enjoy the animals makes it so much fun. <br />
I am starting some tot school stuff with him next week. He is so smart, and I really want to encourage his love for learning. <br />
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I don't think I've introduced our kitten, Piper, on here. We found her about five weeks ago in a culvert pipe out in the country. She was crying, sticking her head out of a hole. Simon saw her and she became ours. She is such a loving kitten. She purrs all the time and has chosen me as "her person." She enjoys, sometimes tolerates, the boys. She is also full of spunk and cuteness. Here are a few pics.<br />
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Everything is going well with Benjamin. His movements are becoming more pushes and shoves. Some are painful, but I still love every. single. movement. He still has a pretty good schedule for when he's awake and when he's resting. We had a little scare the other day when my umbrella assaulted my tummy while I was trying to shut it. After a phone call to the nurse, and 30 minutes waiting for lil one to move, I was reassured (mostly) that all was okay. I really look forward to meeting him in November.<br />
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Well, that's about it for now. I have to head out to MOPS and get my Friday going.<br />
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BuzimommiEhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07639877937550688176noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7892792510868758900.post-92137971931923154002014-08-02T12:54:00.000-05:002014-08-02T12:54:38.697-05:00Surviving the MilestonesI thought I'd been doing really well this pregnancy. The fear has been at a minimal since finishing the first trimester. I've enjoyed this pregnancy with an underlying knowledge that horrible things happen, but it wasn't at the forefront of my mind every hour of every day. I've enjoyed that so much!<br />
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24 week baby bump</div>
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Monday was 24 weeks for Mr. B. It was such a sigh of relief, knowing if things started to go south, he'd have much more of a chance of surviving. Viability....24 weeks. How little I knew about that before Lucas and Caleb were born. 24 weeks was just another week down til meeting our little men. Know it's circled in bright red on the calendar. The second big target date to reach. <br />
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I was talking with Willy last weekend about how this week could be a tough one for me. I remember I was a huge mess between 24 and 25 weeks with Simon. <br />
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24 weeks, 1 day: water broke with Lucas and Caleb<br />
24 weeks, 3 days: Lucas died<br />
24 weeks, 4 days: Lucas and Caleb was born<br />
24 weeks, 5 days: (Day one after birth) Caleb died.<br />
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That's a whole lot of scary moments to swim around in a short amount of time. I breezed through Tuesday this week. We spent the day at SDC as a family. Wednesday was a great day for me. And Wednesday night I was falling asleep, patting myself on the back for handling this week of pregnancy with Benjamin so well. Fear hadn't crept in much at all, and I was enjoying my moments with him.<br />
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Then Thursday morning hit. Benjamin didn't wake up with me as he ALWAYS does. He was quiet through my shower and breakfast. I had a regular prenatal visit scheduled, so I was trying to get ready for it. But as the minutes passed by without feeling him moving around, I started to make plans. How if I couldn't find his heartbeat with the Doppler after breakfast I would have to make plans for the kids so Willy could come with me to the dr. How I would have to call my friend and let her know I wouldn't be picking up her son. And the flashbacks began. How much pain there was when Dr M looked at me and shook her head when she couldn't find Lucas' heartbeat. And all I could do was pray. Pray for the pain and fear to just go away. Try and have faith that no matter what, we would be okay. Fear is not of God, and I try to remember that in those dark moments. I try to embrace it with all I have left.<br />
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I found Benjamin's heartbeat after breakfast. It was quiet and slower than usual, but I felt confident it was there. Knowing I would be seeing Dr L in less than hour, I finished getting ready and headed to the office on my own. I talked with a close friend on the way there that helped to talk me down a little. I have to say that it is so wonderful to have friends who "get" it, and don't think you are totally nuts at times like this.<br />
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My nurse, W, found his heartbeat. 150....not his normal. She found it again. 150, his heartbeat was there. He gave me a good jab while she was looking for it. Happy with that. Dr L measured me at 25 weeks, he's growing well. And he was pretty active most of the day. I could breathe a little easier. But not entirely.<br />
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Here's the facts. I know the pain of losing a child. I know the reality of losing a child. I know it can, and does, happen more than once. And sometimes those facts play louder in my head than I would like. Sometimes they're like a broken record, others I've succeed to push them far behind and have faith that Benjamin will be in my arms, crying in 15 short weeks. The roller coaster ride of emotions that come with a subsequent pregnancy is tough. This pregnancy has been easier, but there are still the tough moments. In ways I miss the naïve moments of pregnancy I had with Colton and Ethan, but I honestly believe I wouldn't be able to truly embrace the moments, as I do now, that I have had with Simon and Benjamin.BuzimommiEhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07639877937550688176noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7892792510868758900.post-90532438272208029812014-07-14T12:15:00.000-05:002014-07-14T12:15:49.462-05:00Benjmin-22 Weeks22 Weeks, wow how they have passed by so quickly. We've been so busy this summer, and now there are only FOUR weeks left. I hate that I haven't posted here much. I've wanted to, but finding the time has been difficult. And with the computer upstairs now, it's just hard to steal away long enough to do it. My hope is that along with some Scentsy business I need to be working on, I can also spend more time up here catching the blog up.<br />
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So, at 22 weeks I am feeling pretty good. Benjamin has become incredibly active and strong. I feel him often, and sometimes receive a pretty strong jab that makes me gasp out loud. We haven't really prepared much for him, as we are really hoping to be in a new house sometime soon. But I am more and more excited everyday for this little boy to be a part of our family.<br />
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Speaking of little boy, boy number six. I couldn't be any happier to be welcoming another baby boy. I was caught off guard, kind of. But I am truly a mom of boys. We decided to do a surprise gender reveal at our birthday bash this year. And while I know it went off beautifully, I am pretty sure I wouldn't do it again. I have some control issues, and being completely in the dark for nearly a week just about did me in. Melanie was the friend who we chose to know and plan it. And I couldn't have asked for any better. <br />
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The night before I was crying and cranky and just flipping out a little. I felt so sure Turkey was a girl, this pregnancy has been do different. I knew it could be a little boy in there, but I was afraid of how I might react if so. Try again, I was terrified. 75+ people were going to be watching my reaction, and I never in a million years wanted this baby to think I was disappointed. I spent quite a bit of time praying for grace. And God so gave me that grace. There were no tears, and I really didn't feel let down at all. At the very last moment, I knew the balloons would be blue. And I truly felt good about it. <br />
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We had our official anatomy scan on the July 3rd. Benjamin looks perfect, absolutely perfect. The sonographer really took her time, so we were able to really watch him as him moved around. We were given several pictures and even a video of him flicking his finger at us. Truly love him so very much!<br />
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So, here are some pictures from the past month or so to share.<br />
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The only dress I can wear when pregnant. Taken last Friday.</div>
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Also taken on Friday</div>
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My view looking down on the Fourth of July. Benjamin spent three days hanging out the left and my belly looked as though it pointed to the left.</div>
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Next post will hopefully be a ton of pictures from the birthday bash.</div>
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BuzimommiEhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07639877937550688176noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7892792510868758900.post-80601835743208685592014-06-17T16:04:00.004-05:002014-06-17T16:04:47.828-05:00Day With Ethan<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
Last Friday was Ethan and mine's day out. The library here was having a special afternoon at a train museum in town. Ethan lives for trains. His world revolves around trains. This museum is actually a retired train with an engine, revamped cargo car, double decker passenger car, and a caboose. They have so much in there, we could have spent all afternoon. </div>
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Ethan goes almost as much as Simon, but when it comes to trains, we can sit and talk all day. He wanted to know what every piece of memorabilia was.</div>
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He loved this engine!</div>
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I can't wait to show him this picture 20 years from now when he is driving his train.</div>
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This is probably his happiest place on earth.</div>
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We went through the train once, did a craft, and went through a second time. There were things he missed the first time that he was excited to see the second time. I really enjoyed spending the time with him and sharing his passion. He's growing up fast, and does well as the "middle child". Though I guess that will be changing in 22 or so weeks. He is so full of passion and spunk. And he's learning where he fits in in the world. But he knows how he feels about things, and there is nothing or no one that can change his mind. I love that about him, and I can't wait to see how far it gets him.</div>
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We hit up El Charro for lunch afterwards. He is my Mexican food buddy. We could probably both eat here every day.</div>
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I'm not sure what I'll plan next with the big boys, but I love spending the time with them individually. This time is short, and passing far too quickly at times. Summer is cut short this year, and I am wanting to make sure we make lots of memories. </div>
BuzimommiEhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07639877937550688176noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7892792510868758900.post-52894635684495258252014-06-09T20:15:00.002-05:002014-06-09T20:15:55.990-05:00Night Out With ColtonA few weeks ago, before school ended, Colton asked if we could have a night out together. Just him and I. We spend the ride to across town to gymnastics and back the two of us each week, which is always full of enlightening conversation, but he wanted an entire evening. Dinner and activity. I was immediately game for it. I told him once school let out we would set a date and go.<br />
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Last Thursday was our night out. All day he watched the clock waiting for 5:30 arrive, knowing that was when we would be able to head out. I let the big boys go swimming in the afternoon. When they came in, Colton came down from their room dressed in a nice button down shirt and nice shorts. He grinned at me and told me that he wanted to look nice for me for the evening. Love that boy!<br />
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I love eight. I am so enjoying the time with him. We have these amazing conversations where he asks true questions and we work together to find the answer if I don't know it. He wants details, but not just with a "Why", but is very specific. He is turning into a little man now. I enjoy hanging out with him, and I know that we both leave the moment better.<br />
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We had dinner at Cheddar's. He chose to eat on the patio, since the weather was perfect for it. We don't often take the boys out to eat anymore to restaurants. Between Simon's allergies and the cost to feed FIVE, I'd just much rather cook and eat at home. We had plenty of time to talk. Most of the conversation revolved around the ants crawling up and down the brick pillar next to the table. Did you know that ants take around 250, one minute naps a day? I didn't either. We talked some about school and moving to a new home and school next year. <br />
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My handsome first born. He loves the thumbs up thing. I just really love this kid!</div>
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Afterwards we headed out to play some miniature golf. There's a place here in town where it's $3.75 total for him and I to play! We haven't played together in almost four years or so. Just never make the time. </div>
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It looks like he missed the ball, but he had just hit it.</div>
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Just before his Hole-In-One.</div>
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We had a great time talking and hanging out. He had so much fun, even when it took five or so shots for the ball to find the hole. We laughed a ton. And the only time I used my phone was to take pictures. </div>
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We then headed to Sonic for shakes for the family, minus Simon who was in bed. The evening was perfect. I really hope to do something like this with each of the big boys once a month. They are both at such a fun age, and with school out I really want to reconnect with the both of them, separately. This Friday Ethan and I are headed to the train museum and Mexican food for lunch. </div>
BuzimommiEhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07639877937550688176noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7892792510868758900.post-36668369761839943192014-06-06T09:04:00.001-05:002014-06-06T09:04:10.826-05:00Summer FunSummer vacation started last week. We've had so much fun already! I am really enjoying have the big boys home and not having to watch the clock all evening to make sure they are in bed on time to get up at 6:30am. We've had a lot of spontaneous fun, but also some just hanging around the house together time. I am so excited to see what the rest of this summer will be bringing!<br />
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Last Thursday we headed to Silver Dollar City. It started raining when we were about 25 feet from the van. But umbrellas and covered wagon kept us mainly dry. We had to ride the train first for Simon and Ethan. Then we hit up some more of their favorites and spent quite a bit of time in the kid area with the ball pits and splash pads. This was the first time Simon has played on the splash pads. The kid had a BLAST!!!! He just ran and laughed.<br />
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Simon loves any kid his size. </div>
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On Friday we headed to the library to pick up the summer reading cards. This opportunity rocks! The kids read four hour, do four activities, then they earn cards towards free activities around town. Then there are more incentives to read on the card also. Ethan loves the Library Station because there is a train engine they can play in. </div>
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I caught this picture of Colton reading to the kids inside the train. Love this!!</div>
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We've also hit up a Time Warp Tuesday at The Palace. $17 for four movie tickets, large popcorn, and large drink. What a deal!! We saw the Lego Movie. The boys were so excited to see it. And Simon did pretty well. He's in that in between stage where two hours is just too long to not be running around. But he sat til about 10 minutes from the end.</div>
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I popped Simon some popcorn in the air popper before we left so he could also have some. Lots of popcorn kept him entertained through most of the movie.</div>
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<em>Quick Turkey update: I am feeling pretty good most of the time. I feel *pops* a few times everyday. There are definitely some differences this pregnancy. Such as I can't prepare and eat chicken. The thought makes my stomach churn. Weird. I am also a lot less anxious this time. I know so much plays into this. But I am grateful for it. I am looking forward to finding out boy or girl in three weeks. </em><br />
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Well, I have to get moving and chasing some boys around. I can't wait to share more of our fun!BuzimommiEhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07639877937550688176noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7892792510868758900.post-33930966260848009592014-06-01T20:55:00.001-05:002014-06-01T20:56:23.682-05:00Four YearsHappy Birthday to my sweet twin boys, Lucas and Caleb. I can't believe it's been four years since they were born. Although I would give anything to celebrate their birthday with them here, we still had a great day celebrating them as a family. <br />
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I woke up this morning to see their lilies had bloomed. These lilies bloomed for the first time when I was in the hospital with Lucas and Caleb. Willy had come home to shower and pack up some more clothes. He saw they had bloomed and took a picture for me. Here is the picture from today.<br />
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I love how only two bloomed today. They were saying hello.</div>
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Our afternoon was spent at a lake. We had a picnic, attempted fishing, and the boys ended up swimming some. The wind was crazy, the clouds rolled in and out. We saw several dragonflies throughout our time there. Each one just warms my heart. Colton was really excited about seeing dragonflies on Lucas and Caleb's birthday.</div>
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Here are some pictures from the day.</div>
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Simon threw rocks the entire time. The boy entertains himself well.</div>
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My bookworm</div>
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A few sprinkles fell...</div>
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15 minutes later. Only in Missouri</div>
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Simon fishing with daddy</div>
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And a belly shot. 16 weeks tomorrow.</div>
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Thank you everyone who remembered the boys today. Your love for my family means so very much! </div>
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BuzimommiEhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07639877937550688176noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7892792510868758900.post-3485504491079846152014-05-31T09:37:00.000-05:002014-05-31T09:37:05.287-05:00This DayThis day is always harder than tomorrow. It's the day when my world came crashing to a screeching halt, four years ago. I wish I could run away from this day. I wish I could skip to tomorrow when I know I'll feel better. I feel physically ill right now. For the second time this morning, I am close to vomiting. I guess the past couple of weeks are catching up to me.<br />
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But I know that I must walk through this day to get to tomorrow. I must embrace all the hurt and pain today to feel the peace of tomorrow and the next day. I'm not sure why their birthday is so very peaceful for me, but I am grateful for that. And June 2nd, when Caleb died, is always more peaceful than the 1st. <br />
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Yesterday my sister called to let me know two dragonflies followed her throughout the morning while she mowed the lawn. I saw a double rainbow yesterday evening after a bout of rain. They are always right here with me. And yet they are so far away. Days like today I can remember how it felt to hold them both in my arms. So tiny, but so perfect.<br />
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I am so grateful for the love and support of my friends and family. I am grateful for a husband that checks on me and gives me more grace than I probably deserve. And I am ever so grateful for the three boys that call me mom and want to snuggle on the couch. And for this little one growing inside, who reminds me there is always hope.<br />
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I am planning having this printed on a canvas for the new house. I love this picture, and it just truly says so much.</div>
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BuzimommiEhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07639877937550688176noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7892792510868758900.post-87262573841790767102014-05-28T07:39:00.002-05:002014-05-28T07:49:53.898-05:00Not So Loud This YearI'm doing surprisingly well this week. Grief is a little quieter. I know it could change in 15 minutes, but I've been feeling better than expected all week. The holiday weekend brought fun and no tears (minus the hormonal breakdown surrounding house stuff). After the way May began I really expected to be a basket case by now. I am embracing the great moments and happy days. Maybe this year will be easier. I am still waiting for Saturday to come and for me to feel broken. But maybe it'll be a little more gentle this year.<br />
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I've had a few flashbacks this week, but nothing like it's been in the past. Tomorrow marks four years since my water broke. I know I'll glance at the clock for the next several days, remembering what was going on at different times. It's how it is, my reality now. Five days of remembering uncertainty, hope, grief, and more love than one can ever imagine. Four years out I can pull positive feelings out of it all. God has shown and given me so much grace through all this. And this year I am really trying to focus more on the amazing gifts Lucas and Caleb left me. <br />
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We have a wonderful, but quiet, family day planned for Sunday. I am looking forward to spending time with Willy and the boys. We're going to fish, eat, play, and swim in a quiet area of an area lake. It's going to be a time of celebrating family togetherness, and Lucas and Caleb. This time of year the dragonflies are flying about, hovering over the water. What better place to celebrate Lucas and Caleb's lives than by a lake where the dragonflies will join us.<br />
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I know that with the house stuff, being 15 weeks pregnant (YAY), and the boys beginning summer vacation today has helped me through the beginning of this week. We are so busy, trying to wrap up stuff, keep the house clean, and chasing Simon. That boy ran around the house for over 30 minutes last night. I love the enjoyed chaos of our life. There are still times when I can sense the hole that is in our family. But the sting isn't always as intense any longer. Most times it's a thought that comes and goes with a short stab. Once in awhile I have to time to let it really soak in. Willy and I will talk about it, and Lucas and Caleb, some. We appreciate the moment together. Then some boy comes running through yelling like a crazed monkey and body slams another boy or Willy. <br />
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Speaking of crazed monkeys, the youngest has woke up.<br />
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The oldest two boys watching tv together. I truly hope they always love each other like this.</div>
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BuzimommiEhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07639877937550688176noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7892792510868758900.post-66310052719157164362014-05-21T09:20:00.000-05:002014-05-21T09:20:29.766-05:00What's Been Going On<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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So, we've moved the computer to the new office upstairs. Willy is working at the desk, so I'm going to try and write this post in my Kindle. Please forgive any mistakes, as I sometimes don't catch them on here.<br />
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14 weeks pregnant this week. Wow, second trimester is being kind to me. What a difference a week can make. I feel like I'm feeling getting back on top of the house, calendar, and the natives running around the house. My appetite had come back times four, and I'm beginning to desire to eat better than I have in months. We juiced this morning and I had two eggs with a piece of toast. Feels like a great start to my day. I had an amazing salad yesterday and kabobs for dinner.<br />
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I had an appointment Monday. I love seeing W and Dr L. And to see them in a Monday just stays my week of right. I'm really going to be sad when our visits are down to once a year. Anyway, Turkey's heartbeat was at 159. And really no complaints. Dr L confirmed that I'll be attempting a second VBAC. And I'll be back in four weeks. I feel pretty good for the most part right now. Cravings are mainly for fruit and veggies, and Mexican food. I have absolutely no desire for ice cream, which is a new one for me. Sweets in general tend to turn my stomach a little.<br />
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Emotionally I'm doing pretty good. Today. The day before Mother's Day was rough, as it is every year. And yet I'm still surprised when it hits so hard. Lucas and Caleb are so close to the surface of my heart right now, it doesn't take much for things to begin to crumble. But most the time right now, I'm feeling happy. I've had some flashbacks, and the what-ifs pop in here and there. I'm pretty sure that's something that will always stick around. I've finally decided what I want to do for their birthday. That makes me feel better also. I'm actually looking forward to the day some and the memories we'll make.<br />
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Nothing really new with the house selling. THey're waiting on a possible offer, but that's really all we have going on. The couple seems to be wanting to take their time some. But at least there is interest. We moved bedrooms around this weekend, making them larger. It's it's downstairs now. It's taking some adjusting, but it'll work. We'll be able to update the pictures soon, so hopefully it'll bring more interest. The house in Rogersville is still ours. The contract expires June 3rd. We're hoping that if we don't have a contract by then, that'll they'll renew it.<br />
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That's really about it. School is it for summer next Wednesday. I'm looking forward to the fun we're going to have while the boys are home. And Simon will love having them here all day every day.<br />
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13 weeks taken last week.</div>
BuzimommiEhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07639877937550688176noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7892792510868758900.post-87016199848346507212014-04-30T09:17:00.000-05:002014-04-30T09:17:13.533-05:00Happy and Sad<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj82F-B1reYWlOk8v89EInd8lvhm6-uWse0BJ1_XIEWl_4EDkTYiLOQaeyd8Syob0FdmeQwttHaykwQQmZy9xJhBpL9eq_UT9NCKxrreq9M75IMonhHSq3F12ZxmVOhQtyjjUjFCbfkXqE/s1600/IMG_9546.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj82F-B1reYWlOk8v89EInd8lvhm6-uWse0BJ1_XIEWl_4EDkTYiLOQaeyd8Syob0FdmeQwttHaykwQQmZy9xJhBpL9eq_UT9NCKxrreq9M75IMonhHSq3F12ZxmVOhQtyjjUjFCbfkXqE/s1600/IMG_9546.JPG" height="300" width="400" /></a></div>
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I meant to write this Sunday, but time got away from me. But I really want to share this paradox of feelings that really sent me reeling Sunday afternoon. I know hormones play a part of it, grief a larger part, tomorrow being May 1st a larger one still.<br />
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I woke up Saturday morning feeling truly happy for the first time in weeks. My heart felt light, I felt happy pregnant. Don't get me wrong, I am incredibly excited to be pregnant, but I have been feeling awful these past several weeks. I just haven't felt myself, and even though I pulled gratefulness out of each symptom, I was irritable and moody. But Saturday morning, I felt good. I told Willy I was happy, wished him good morning. He welcomed me back.<br />
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The joyful lightness of it all continued through the day. I felt that "glow" wash over me. I felt happy pregnant. I was so excited for this familiar emotion that I had been longing for. We had a wonderful day and amazing evening with friends. And I woke up Sunday morning feeling just as great. I was excited to be heading to church for the first time in three weeks.<br />
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Our church has greeters at the door when you walk in. They always welcome you with a smile, hand you notes for the day, and on the last weekend of the month, there is a calendar for the following month. I was hurried in following three boys who were excited to be there and didn't have a chance to grab the calendar. I spent time visiting with my church family. Then headed into worship with Colton.<br />
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In middle of the first song I noticed the May calendar sitting in the chair in front of me. And there it was. Mother's Day. Then Memorial Day. Grief came flooding in. Raw pain began to tear my heart. May is tough. I've felt it's impending arrival for a while now. But here it was in black and white. No denying it. The fourth Mother's Day without two of my children to give me a card with their growing handprints. The knowledge of the build-up to a holiday weekend where flashbacks will race through my mind at every turn. How did May get here so incredibly fast?<br />
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Then there was this battle between happiness and grief. Being elated for the life growing inside of me right now, and the sadness for the two lives that were too short. I came home and had one of those really hard cries. The type that shakes your whole body. I told Willy how I was so happy for Lil' Turkey, but so incredibly sad for Lucas and Caleb. How something so light as a piece of paper was causing so much heaviness on my heart. We stood there in the kitchen and just held each other, as we have done so many times throughout this journey. <br />
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After the flood of emotions, I was left tired and confused. To feel the two emotions at the same time is rough. (lack of better words) It doesn't make sense except in grief. But May is here. I'm blessed to be expecting baby number six. And the crazy emotions that come when the two are combined have only begun.BuzimommiEhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07639877937550688176noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7892792510868758900.post-74167944550332169452014-04-17T15:36:00.000-05:002014-04-17T15:36:31.374-05:00One Beautiful Heartbeat<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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There's Lil' Turkey. You can see her/his heart lighting up. Love love love this little baby. I am breathing the easiest I have since the positive result on the pregnancy test. Just seeing Turkey and a beating heart renews my hope.</div>
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I know I've said it before, but it's tough being pregnant after a loss. I was a nervous wreck this morning. I knew that once we went in that room there was no turning back. Up until that moment, I assumed things were okay due to my symptoms being strong and my pants getting smaller. But once we saw or didn't see a heartbeat, that was that. And it took a few minutes for me to find Lil' Turkey's heartbeat. I was trying not to panic as I scanned the screen for that little flicker that means so much. What a sigh of relief when I saw. I held back tears of joy, knowing that so far things are looking good.</div>
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As far as how I'm doing physically, well I still claim this is the toughest first trimester yet. The nausea is hit and miss throughout the day. I think I am figuring out how to control the amount of energy I have, and how I best use it. My good friend, heartburn, arrived a couple nights ago. My pants don't fit without the belly band, or I just wear maternity pants. And the foil taste in my mouth is still sticking around. But every ill feeling I have just reminds me that baby is growing and healthy. I try to be grateful for it all.</div>
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The appointment went well today. Heartbeat 174. Measuring 9 weeks 3 days, right on with my calculated due date of November 17th. One inch exactly. Lil' Turkey was sleeping for the ultrasound, so didn't get to see baby move, but I really didn't need to as long as that heart was flickering.</div>
BuzimommiEhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07639877937550688176noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7892792510868758900.post-1214794838076870762014-04-09T16:12:00.001-05:002014-04-09T16:13:36.438-05:00Pregnant in the Spring<br />
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My body seems to have a knack for being pregnant in the spring. Turkey makes #4 pregnancy due between September and November. Before Lucas and Caleb, springtime pregnancy was no big deal. But now it's tough. Spring arriving means their birthday is around the corner. May is creeping up quickly and with a roar this year. <br />
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This time of year, they are so close to the surface of my heart and mind. I think about them throughout the day, most days. I'm not so graceful when I answer questions about my current pregnancy this time of year. The questions about this is what number of pregnancies, or how many kids have you had. Three boys at home, you might still get that girl. I just want to put my hands on my hips and say, "I've had FIVE boys." And most months throughout the year, I only wish to say it, but in April and May, I most likely am saying something along those lines. I've informed so many people the last week or so who ask how my fourth pregnancy is going that this is actually my fifth. I often let them know it's my fifth, and that it's tough this time. Then afterwards, I feel a little guilty for not filtering my words and just letting theirs slide by.<br />
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And there is always the age gap question. Why so many years between your first two and Simon and this one? I try to dance gently around it most the time, but lately I share my two baby boys with whoever is asking. I grip their necklace (which I wear most days throughout the spring) and explain to them we lost two baby boys four years ago. And I always feel like I've ruined their day or something. But being emotional and getting into grief season, I just let it all pour out.<br />
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We've already received some looks and comments when people notice we're having our "fourth" child. I often want to add to their shock by telling them baby is actually number six. And if it's a random stranger in the store who asks me if Lil Turkey is number two, I find my self saying number six. Because Lucas and Caleb were here, they count, their pregnancy mattered. It took it's own toll on my body as have the other pregnancies. <br />
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So there's my sharing for the week. I'm not planning on weekly updates this time around, but maybe on even or odd weeks, or just when I find the time to share. I am sure more posts over the next couple of months will deal with grief, though I am really trying to focus on the joy of this life growing inside of me. I am so grateful for this little one.BuzimommiEhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07639877937550688176noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7892792510868758900.post-40771188225841641442014-04-02T17:14:00.001-05:002014-04-02T17:14:34.441-05:00Lil' Turkey<br />
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<em><span style="color: #674ea7; font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">Surprise!!</span></em></div>
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Soooo, since we aren't sharing for some time....a couple of weeks...I am just going to make this a rolling post about the first few weeks of my pregnancy with Lil Turkey. That way I'm getting it all down, and if you want, you can read it. It's not a boring read, unfortunately. I don't have textbook pregnancies anymore. Wish I would have enjoyed that fact about the first two a little more.<br />
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<strong><u>March 8th,</u></strong><br />
We found out this afternoon that we're expecting baby number SIX. Wow, baby number six. Nickname is Lil Turkey since due date is Nov 17th. We've been trying for six long months. This is the first time we've really had to work at becoming pregnant. I'm going to be honest, I've whined along the way to some close friends. I've worried some, and been frustrated a ton. I talked with my Dr L on the 3rd about it at my annual appointment. She at that time reassured me she would see me again soon. <br />
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<a href="https://www.blogger.com/" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"></a>I took a test after having a bloody nose for three morning straight. My tried and true pregnancy symptom. I tested three days early, knowing it was a long shot, but there it was, a faint, but definitely there positive result. I was instantly over the moon excited. I showed Willy, and he confirmed what I was seeing. He grinned and said, "Yup, we're having a baby." Then it was quickly hush-hush because the boys came rumbling down the stairs. We decided to hold off telling them and most everyone until April for our reasons.<br />
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<strong><u>March 11th,</u></strong><br />
I started spotting some last night. It was a little old blood, about the same I had with Simon. It's continued today, but I'm not really concerned. I did this for weeks during my first trimester with Simon, starting on the same day of the pregnancy. I'm going to take it a little easy, but it's spring break, and I am sure all is fine.<br />
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<strong><u>March 12th,</u></strong><br />
This morning was AWFUL!!!! I woke up and started bleeding. Really bleeding a lot. For an hour I was in and out of the bathroom, sure I was losing the baby. I was texting back and forth with Dana. Willy's mom was here, so I couldn't really use him for support. And she's had an early miscarriage, so she knew how to help me though it all. The time passed, and I passed a clot. I told Willy the baby was gone. We told his mom about the baby and that I had lost it. The tears flowed, my heart was ripping. <br />
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The bleeding then just stopped. An hour passed, and still nothing. I called my Dr's office and the triage nurse s sounded perplexed and told me to come in to have my levels tested. We had plans for the day to take the boys to an indoor water park in Branson. I stopped on the way up there to have the blood drawn. Still no bleeding. I ran into my nurse, Wendy, while there. I told her what was going on. She offered me a big hug and told me she'd watch for my results and call me later.<br />
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We went up there and had a great time. I checked my phone once an hour to see if the Dr had called. At 4:53pm I received a call from my nurse. I was feeding Simon a snack and my phone rang. My progesterone was 11.4 and my HCG was at 193! I could Dr L in the background. She kept telling Wendy, "Tell her I told her we'd be seeing her soon."<br />
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I am on cloud nine. I didn't expect those numbers at all. Dr L is very happy with them. Now to only wait until Friday when we do the second draw. 386 is the magic number.<br />
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<strong><u>March 14th,</u></strong><br />
I woke up early this morning to have my blood drawn. I was hoping to have the results in time for the weekend. Wendy called about 1:30pm. The first words out of her mouth was, "They more than doubled, Carrie!" YAY! My HCG was 414!!!! Everything number wise is wonderful, couldn't ask for better. Dr. L. was again in the background telling Wendy different things to say to me. I love that my OB team is so wonderful and excited about this little baby.<br />
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I also started to feel some nausea this afternoon. Just a little, and it lasted for about an hour or so. But it helps me to know that things are going well.<br />
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<strong><u>March 16th,</u></strong><br />
Church today brought something I've been needing throughout this pregnancy so far. It's so hard to feel this is all true without being able to call my grandma and celebrate with her. I know she would be so happy, yet she'd let me know that this really needs to be our last one. She'd also be praying for a baby girl this time. I have yet to really grieve her absence, until this morning.<br />
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The worship team at church began singing Amazing Grace. The song that was played at Lucas and Caleb's service and at grandma's service. And the tears began to pour out. This song holds so much for me. And everything that had been waiting just below the surface was released. As hard as the emotions were to feel, I did need to work through it all. One thing that is consistent about grief, is that eventually you have to feel what you need to feel in order to move forward. You can't just skip the parts you don't want to deal with. I am grateful for this, even though it's tough. <br />
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<strong><u>March 17th,</u></strong><br />
I'm not spotting anymore! It's a little earlier in the pregnancy as compared to Simon's, but I'll take it. And it's a great way to arrive at 5 weeks!<br />
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<strong><u>March 19th,</u></strong><br />
All day nausea has hit and hit hard. I've felt awful all day today. It's still tolerable, but it's the ick of it all. I've been napping daily this week. I was really hoping I had another week before these symptoms kicked in, but I'll take it as it means that lil Turkey is growing.<br />
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<strong><u>March 21st,</u></strong><br />
I was up all night last night throwing up! All night long. I feel a little less nauseous this morning, but I'm wiped out. I move between the couch and bed. I have no desire to eat, and I am trying to keep fluids going in. I'm beginning to wonder if this is something else, or if it's a little girl in there making me so sick.<br />
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<strong><u>March 22nd,</u></strong><br />
I woke up this morning feeling pretty good. Then by around noon, the nausea came back full force. By 4:00, I was giving up. I had to go to Urgent Care for relief. I was so miserable, there was no way I could do this without some medical intervention. I hadn't eaten in over a day, and I knew that baby was going to suffer soon. They hooked me up to an IV for fluids and gave me a dose of Zofran to begin with. After an hour, the nausea had not let up, so they gave me a double dose of Zofran through the IV. Then they took a urine sample and found that I have a UTI. My blood work, progesterone and HCG levels looked great though. The second dose of Zofran didn't touch the nausea much. I left with a prescription for anti-biotics and another anti-nausea med. And I was able to have a decent night's sleep.<br />
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<strong><u>March 24th,</u></strong><br />
I'm catching up on sleep and my appetite is back. But the spotting also came back this morning. At first I panicked some, my heart sunk a little. But it's nothing out of control. I know this is part of my pregnancies since Lucas and Caleb. I'm keeping an eye on it. I'm 6 weeks pregnant with lil Turkey today. I'll start the belly pictures today. There's a little bump going on. Being my fifth pregnancy, my body knows what it's doing.<br />
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<strong><u>March 31st,</u></strong><br />
Seven weeks today. It feels like such a milestone. So far from four weeks and so much closer to 13. The last week has been pretty uneventful, the way I like it. I am feeling more and more pregnant every day. The nausea is usually gone by 4 or 5 o'clock. Unless I totally sabotage myself and eat something that I know will probably make me sick...or wait too long to eat something at all. I'm napping daily, it's the only way I make it to dinnertime.<br />
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We have a doctor's appointment on Wednesday. It's the whole financial obligation and medical history appointment. And of course they'll make me pee in a cup to confirm my pregnancy. Even when we've already done so with beta testing a few weeks ago. Then we'll schedule the ultrasound, maybe even for next week. I am sooo ready to see Lil Turkey.<br />
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We're going to tell the boys probably tonight. I figure I'll post this post Wednesday after the appointment. It's getting hard to hide it all now. Between my exhaustion and growing bump, it's time. I'm excited to share with the world.<br />
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<strong><u>April 2nd,</u></strong><br />
Dr appointment today. Just the money stuff and pre-natal education. Plus the five vials of blood taken from my arm. All went well. The ultrasound is scheduled for the 17th, which means two more weeks to wait to see a heartbeat. <br />
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My nurse happened to walk by the office while I was sitting in there and was just so happy. She hugged me so tight and practically was jumping up and down with excitement. I love her! And her excitement is just what I was needing.<br />
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The nurse that does the educating was a new one from last time I was in there with Simon. I have to say the office needs her, every office needs her. We were sitting there getting ready to do pregnancy history stuff. She confirmed it was my fifth pregnancy. Then she paused, and said that I have four living children at home. I kindly corrected her and said no, three. She gasped, and started looking through my charts again. She said that she knew Lucas was stillborn, but nothing was said anywhere about Caleb passing. She was very apologetic, saying that she tried to have all this ready so we wouldn't have to spend much time re-visiting it all. She seemed upset that my chart didn't mention Caleb not making it either. I love that she tried to do her homework before we came in. I've never had someone try to be prepared. And her sincere apologies were more than the pat, "I am so sorry." that we usually receive. It made it all so much easier in it's own way.<br />
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I know this has been a lot to read. Hope you feel caught up in the past three weeks. Wow! We've managed to hide this 95% or so for three weeks.BuzimommiEhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07639877937550688176noreply@blogger.com0