Beads 3 and 4

I know that I am not keeping up with this as I had intended. And I really don't like using excuses much, but this year is off to a pretty crazy start. At least it's good crazy, though. This post deals with faith, both Elizabeth Gilberts and mine. I keep to being honest in this place, and ask for respect while you read this.

I am sure some of you reading this question faith in general, especially when it comes to losing a baby(ies). I know mine has been challenged. But I have to say that I am in the group of people that has examined my faith, searched for answers, and have grown stronger in my faith since my baby boys went to Heaven eight months ago. I actually have more clarity now when it comes to my faith than I did before. And I really want to share an amazing moment with you.



On July 31st, 2010, 2 months to the day that we learned Lucas was gone, I was at a MOPS steering retreat. We were sitting at Jill's house getting ready to start. We were opening our day with a group prayer. I was already shedding tears and questioning if I was really ready to be here. Connie, one of our mentor moms, began to pray. She prayed about how some of us were there with broken hearts, and how she just prayed that the Lord would place his hand upon us and help us through this time. At that very moment He was there. I felt his hand on my shoulder and just knew it would be okay. It is a moment I will never forget. I will never forget the way His hand on my shoulder felt. I will never forget the peace that swept over me. And it was at that moment, that I knew I was not alone in all this.



Elizabeth Gilbert opens up about her relationship about God in Bead 3. She never really thought much about faith. When she was asked what kind of God she believed in, her response would be, "I believe in a magnificent God." She also explains that she could just as easily use any of the names that describes one's religoius diety, but she chose to use "God" because it is what sounds the most personal to her, the most right. She admits that she doesn't necessarily believe that God resides in "a distant throne in th sky" but "much closer than we can imagine, breathing right through our own hearts." Honestly, I believe both thoughts. I know He is Heaven watching down on us, but I also know He is in my heart, just as Lucas and Caleb are. (Colton tells me this often.) This can get really deep as you put more and more thought into all this. And sometimes I really don't care to do so. Sometimes I like scratching the surface and leaving it at that, and so I will end this Bead here.

In Bead 4, she talks how this is the first time she's honestly spoken to God. Really spoken to Him. And her interest was in saving her life. She was hopeless and it occurred to her that some people reach out to God when in this dark place.

Gilbert then touches on how she thanks Him, and how she hopes she "expressed ample gratitude for all the blessings that you have given me in my life." And it is with this thought that she realizes that God has waited her out. Oh how I can expand on this forever, but I won't. Not now, but I will probably at a later date. I just want to add that I know He has waited me out, also. And the way it felt when I realized this, and how so many things came together and made sense, well, it was pretty incredible.

She then talks about her prayer, the first true prayer to God dwindled down to her begging, "Please tell me what to do." I know that us that have lost our babies have also had this begging prayer. Where we cry, fall to our knees, and beg God to save or bring back our babies. It is exhausting and at some point we just stop. We don't really slow down at that moment, but come to an abrupt halt. And you feel something, nothing, maybe just nothingness. She talks about being surrounded by this great silence, and then hearing a voice. Her voice really, saying, "Go back to bed, Liz." --plain and simple-- For many of us, it has been more of, "I'm sorry." or "I'm here with you." She also describes this version of her voice as , "wiser, stonger, certain, more compassionate." And I think these words also describe me, now, post baby-loss. These words are part of what losing my precious babies have changed me into.

I have tons of questions toend this with, but think I'd rather just leave it open for anyone to add what comes to mind.

Beads 1 and 2

Here I am, getting started on this project. It's been a LONG weekend, and I hate that this had to wait until now. But it's worth the wait.

I think I am going to pull out different passages that I come across that really reach out to me. I want to share them, then share how I relate to them. Since I'm not the one in this house with the writing degree, it may take a few weeks (or more) to get a good rythm going.

I opened the book and the fourth paragraph mentioned twins. Giovanni and Dario are identical twin brothers. I rolled my eyes, looked up, and asked, "Really? Is this how this journey starts?" Not that them being twin brothers really has much of anything to do with the story, it's just not what I expected. The movie never hinted at this. (Giovanni is the one teaching her Italian while in Italy.)

On page 7, she speaks about her age how old she feels.

"...loss upon loss left me feeling sad and brittle and about seven hundred years old." How true this really is. Those days that I cry so hard, I feel much older than I really am. I feel tired and haggard, like every once of energy has been drained from me.

"I am alone, I am all alone, I am completely alone." p9 I don't feel alone as often these days. In the beginning, before finding the baby-loss community, I felt completely alone.

And this one on page 10, we have all been here.

"I was hiding in the bathroom...I was sobbing. Sobbing so hard, in fact, that a great lake of tears and snot was spreading before me on the bathroom tiles." I am sure I have made that lake of tears on the floor of every room of our house. And many of us moms have hid those tears at times from our husbands, our children, or other family and friends.

"The only thing more unthinkable than leaving was staying; the only thing more impossible than staying was leaving." p.12 I know she is talking about her marriage and her husband, but this is how I felt when I was at the hospital. I didn't want to leave, because it meant leaving without my babies; I didn't want to stay because I was surrounded by the reminder that all this had really happened to us. It was a really hard emotional tug-of-war to pack up and leave the hospital. I remember telling Dr. L. that morning that I didn't want to go home yet. I was afraid of leaving. It wasn't until after Rebecca came in and talked with Willy and I that I was ready to leave. And I wanted out right then.

So, there are Beads 1 and 2. I'm really not sure how to eloquently wrap this up. These first couple of Beads were short and gave a basic foundation for the rest of the book. The next couple of Beads speak of faith and I am ready to dive in to those next week.

I am interested in how you all relate to some of these passages. Which ones really strike you familiar and how?

Project E.P.L. (Eat.Pray.Love)

Back in August, Kristan and I went to see Eat.Pray.Love. I hadn't read the book, only knew it had Julia Roberts in it and that it looked excellent. I sat through the movie, laughed and cried. There were so many parts that really spoke to my heart. So many things were said that made me nod my head and think, "How true."

A few weeks before seeing the movie, a church friend found me crying in the bathroom. Her and her husband counsel couples who are divorcing. She was speaking with me, comforting me, and said, "Grief is grief. Grieving a lost child is similar to grieving a lost marriage. You go through the same steps, the same phases." At the time I looked at her and was shocked. How dare she compare my loss to a divorce! I now apologize for those thoughts. I know she wasn't comparing the depth of my loss, but really just the process in general.

For those of you who haven't read or seen Elizabeth Gilbert's Eat.Pray.Love, I want to give a brief description before heading into my project. It is a story of grief after divorce, and her search through it all to find her new self. The book is broken down into beads instead of chapters. The breakdown of beads is from the traditional japa mala that is worn during meditation. There are 108 beads. (How's that for brief?)

I decided a few months after seeing the movie that I wanted to read the book and really tear into it. I wanted to take thoughts she had, experiences she lived and compare them to my journey through grief. Then share it here. It's going to be a fun project that may take only six months or a whole year. My plan is to do a bead or two per week. Journal my thoughts and some quotes, and write it all down here. I will have a tab at the top with links to the different entries, so if you miss one, they will all be easy to find.

Throughout the project I really encourage everyone to comment with their own thoughts. You don't have to be a blogger to comment, or have a gmail account. You can always comment as Anonymous and sign your name at the bottom.