What's Been Going On

 So, we've moved the computer to the new office upstairs. Willy is working at the desk, so I'm going to try and write this post in my Kindle. Please forgive any mistakes, as I sometimes don't catch them on here.

14 weeks pregnant this week. Wow, second trimester is being kind to me. What a difference a week can make. I feel like I'm feeling getting back on top of the house, calendar, and the natives running around the house. My appetite had come back times four, and I'm beginning to desire to eat better than I have in months. We juiced this morning and I had two eggs with a piece of toast. Feels like a great start to my day. I had an amazing salad yesterday and kabobs for dinner.

I had an appointment Monday. I love seeing W and Dr L. And to see them in a Monday just stays my week of right. I'm really going to be sad when our visits are down to once a year. Anyway, Turkey's heartbeat was at 159. And really no complaints. Dr L confirmed that I'll be attempting a second VBAC. And I'll be back in four weeks.  I feel pretty good for the most part right now. Cravings are mainly for fruit and veggies, and Mexican food. I have absolutely no desire for ice cream, which is a new one for me. Sweets in general tend to turn my stomach a little.

Emotionally I'm doing pretty good. Today. The day before Mother's Day was rough, as it is every year. And yet I'm still surprised when it hits so hard. Lucas and Caleb are so close to the surface of my heart right now, it doesn't take much for things to begin to crumble. But most the time right now, I'm feeling happy. I've had some flashbacks, and the what-ifs pop in here and there. I'm pretty sure that's something that will always stick around. I've finally decided what I want to do for their birthday. That makes me feel better also. I'm actually looking forward to the day some and the memories we'll make.

Nothing really new with the house selling. THey're waiting on a possible offer, but that's really all we have going on. The couple seems to be wanting to take their time some. But at least there is interest. We moved bedrooms around this weekend, making them larger. It's it's downstairs now. It's taking some adjusting, but it'll work. We'll be able to update the pictures soon, so hopefully it'll bring more interest.  The house in Rogersville is still ours. The contract expires June 3rd. We're hoping that if we don't have a contract by then, that'll they'll renew it.

That's really about it. School is it for summer next Wednesday. I'm looking forward to the fun we're going to have while the boys are home. And Simon will love having them here all day every day.

13 weeks taken last week.

Overhaul

I am sitting here almost five months out from saying good-bye to Lucas and Caleb. And I really can't believe I've made it this far. The days following May 31st when we first learned we had lost Lucas were near impossible. Everything happened so fast and I honestly had no idea how I was going to survive each hour, let alone weeks and months. But I'm here and doing pretty darn well.

I feel a new season coming upon me. I am making huge strides in this journey and there are some big things coming up. We are selling our house. And I have emotionally disconnected from it. It's a good thing. I still have times when I look at the bookcase in the living room and imagine the pack n play there with my babies in it. And it still hurts once in awhile to look at the crib they should be sleeping in at night, or the chest where their clothes should be. I'm ready for a fresh start.

And even though nothing is decided yet, but the road to TTC is coming up. My six month mark is speeding closer and I'm getting excited. Willy and I still discussing if we are ready or not, but I am shooting for a YES! It still might be awhile, I know....but I'm hoping for our rainbow baby in the next year or so.

Plus I am really just enjoying and embracing life again. I am mean really embracing it. I am having so much fun with Colton and Ethan. I still think about and miss Lucas and Caleb, and I still have tough days, but they are becoming farther apart and fewer.

This rambling all means something, I promise. There are some blogs that I follow or moms who lost twins a year or more ago. I enjoy their honesty and they way they share their lives now, in the moment. They live their lives in the moment. They have other children here on Earth and I relate well to them. They are where I want to be. They still miss and write about their babies, but they also really embrace the blessings they have with them.

It is time for a complete overhaul. I really want to focus more on the positives, and this includes my blog. I am still going to share my hard moments, because that is very much a part of this journey. But the good moments need to be shared also. When this blog was first started it was to share the fun times expecting twins and then ALL the moments after the twins were born. Well, there was a HUGE detour, but they were born and here we are learning to live our lives without them.

The blog is going to take a new name, a new look, and the posts will be more about our family and our lives and not limited to missing Lucas and Caleb. I want to be one of those mom's that other BLM's can look at and see that there is some sunshine in the future. That even at this point it isn't all doom and gloom anymore. We all grieve differently, especially since everyone's situations and experiences are different. But I want to really share how our family is doing at the given moment.

So here's to some big changes and a new outlook. I am looking forward to the open honesty I am ready to portray once more. I hope to get all the changes up and running over the next week or so.

A big thank you to everyone who reads and comments. Your support has played a large part in where I am on this journey.

Super Busy, I'm Sorry

***Newborn mentioned in last paragraph***


So, I know I have been kind of absent in many aspects of my new life, lately. I'm not writing so much anymore, I keep getting behind on my Pictures of the Day, and I haven't been communicating like I normally do with my BLM friends. I miss everyone of you. And think of every one of you everyday.

We have so much going on right now. Mentally and physically I am constantly on the move. The house is coming along great, but there is just so much to do. I am also trying to completely re-organize my life. The past couple of weeks I have felt so overwhelmed it was getting kind of scary. I love ALL the different projects I am doing and have going on, and I know that I can handle it all. I just really needed to figure out a way to organize it all so I don't forget anything. And I think I have and am crazy excited about it.

With all of this going on, I have been doing wonderfully, emotionally. I haven't had a complete meltdown (Stage 4 as a fellow BLM has called it) in almost 3 weeks! This is fabulous...most of the time. Although I really enjoy being able to enjoy life, I am waiting for the ball to drop at any time. Every night when I go to bed I wonder if tomorrow will be the day. And every morning I wake up feeling just as wonderful as the day before. In a weird sort of way I miss crying for Lucas and Caleb once in awhile. I still have the random tears, and they must be just enough to keep it all from building up.

I also want to mention that I held my first newborn baby boy on Friday. Baby Porter was born on Thursday a healthy 9lbs 8 oz! He is beautiful! There were four of us girls at church who were all pregnant together in the spring. Three of us were due within a week of each other. Pretty cool stuff at the time. After the twins were born, I kind of dreaded the entire month of September. Knowing that healthy babies would be born and mine would be missing. I just knew I would think of the twins every time I saw one of the babies. And I honestly believed I wouldn't be able to hold any of them for months without breaking down into tears. And yet, here I was holding Porter, grinning and just embracing the greatness of a healthy baby. I feel it's time to be around healthy babies. I need the positiveness to give me the strength to TTC again and not be scared the whole time. Thank you Brad and Nickie for letting me hold him and rock him. It meant so much!

I hope that my strength and growth and progress on my journey gives some of my BLM friends some strength and hope, also. I know some of you are hurting immensely right now, and I am so sorry for that. Know that even though I may seem distant, I am still here for you and thinking and praying for all of you!

With much love,
Carrie

The Nursery Takedown

As many of you know, Willy and I have decided to put the house on the market next month. In doing this, I am being forced to redo the twins' nursery. It is a jumbled mess that makes it very obvious that something went wrong. After losing Caleb, I told Willy there was absolutely no way I would be able to come home and see all the twin things we had scattered EVERYWHERE. I told him our friend, Danielle, had offered to gather stuff for us if he didn't want to. But my amazing husband insisted he do it.
This black curtain has been hanging over their "doorway" since June 2nd. I have peeked around it here and there, and even spent a few brave moments on the other end. I even caught Ethan playing hide and seek behind it. Which really brought on some tears.

This is their nursery in the making. Anytime we would find something, we would throw it in here. Last week I stumbled upon their 12-18month outfits in a tote I was going through in prep for our yard sale. I was taken by surprise. I just choked back the tears, gathered them up, and tossed them into the crib. This room should have been done by now with the bed made, changing table cleaned off, and monkeys hanging on the wall.

This is the beautiful wall applique my friend, Melanie, bought for me. I LOVE it so much and truly hate that the twins will never have the chance to know how awesome she is. Or be best buddies with her son, Carter and their newest addition that is on the way.

This is the twin nursing pillow given to me by fellow MOMs member, Jennifer. She has twin boys that are nearing 2. I really enjoyed listening to stories about her sons and all the things they did because they were twin.

These are the matching bouncy seats we bought. I bought them because they were lightweight and I could carry them easy up and down the stairs. Every time I looked at them, I pictured Caleb and Lucas giggling together and trying to out bounce each other.

I bought this 2 days before my membranes ruptured. It really helped the back pain. It was truly fabulous how much better I felt. Though on Saturday I was wondering if it is what had ruptured my membranes, though I know better.

I HAD to have this diaper bag. It is very large and spacious. And I has wires along the zipper that keeps it open when you digging through it. This is the only thing that will be used with our rainbow baby, when that day comes.

The monkey sheet I fell in love with. We chose monkeys because we felt monkeys best described twin Earls boys.

These are all the shoes we had already bought. Buying two pairs of matching shoes was so
much fun! I LOVE shoes and I got to buy twice the shoes!

This is their going home outfit if they were preemies. The patch says "Best Buddies" It fit perfectly for Lucas and Caleb. We really didn't think they would be small enough to wear these, but were trying to be prepared. I never thought they would be smaller or that they would never come home.

This is their coming home outfit if they wore Newborn size. I just love the monkey on the butt. I would give anything to be using this outfit in two weeks.

Their monkey sleepers I just had to have. Basically anything with monkeys was going to be theirs.

For this winter. I had one for Ethan and we always laughed at how little he looked in it. Found these at the MOMs sale with tags still on and they were a great buy! And I hate that I will be selling them unused in the spring.

These are the hats our cousin, Jamie, bought for them. The Hawaiian pattern fits their Daddy so well. She was so excited about Lucas and Caleb. And I know her heart was also broken by their loss.

These are the overalls that Grandma Dru fell in love with. She found one pair and searched three other Wal-Marts in town for the second. She picked out several onesies for Lucas and Caleb to wear underneath them.

Totally love this outfit. I found the onesies at Gordman's and knew they were perfect. At that point I was determined to shop with Caleb and Lucas, but knew it would probably be a challenge.

This is the first sleeper bought for Lucas and Caleb. The week after we found out we were having twins, Dru and I went shopping. She bought matching boy sleepers and matching girl sleepers. She was my shopping partner when I shopped for Lucas and Caleb. I will never forget when we were shopping at the Moms of Multiples store and ran into a mom with identical 8 month old boys. They both looked at us at the same time and smiled. And we looked at each other and cried the happiest tears. I always remembered the thought of my boys smiling at me together. It used to make me giddy, now it really brings on the tears. I will never get to see that.

Their matching Hawaiian shirts. We love you, Daddy.

The matching Big Brother shirts with matching Little Brother bibs. I truly hate that these are being put away in a chest, never to be worn. And I hate what this signifies. Colton and Ethan have suffered a great loss, too. One no child should every have to endear.

I bought this for Willy's birthday. I thought it fit his take on the twins quite well. Every time someone mentioned the twins, he would have this goofy grin. I am quite grateful I don't remember who made the comment, "That's a little premature, don't you think." when he wore it. If I did, it may not be pretty. I found this shirt wadded up in their closet side of the chest. It broke my heart all over again. The last time he wore it was Sunday night/Monday morning in the hospital. He was so proud of his two little baby boys.

And these are little socks that I found and loved so much for them.

Here is me, as I am finishing up the room. Sorting through what will be sold in the far future and what would be kept in their memory chest. Today hurt so much. I've been building up to it for some time now, knowing it had to be done. I just wish, hope, and pray with all I have that I was finalizing the nursery to bring them home in two weeks instead of tearing it down and packing it away. Another reminder that we really went through this and that they really are gone.

All their clothes I won't keep. We were so ready for them!

The nursery after I finished. I put Ethan's crib set on crib and rearranged the furniture. Now it looks like it's expecting a different baby. It's not the jumbled mess that closely resembled the mess our lives have been since June 1st. It's easier to look into now and I don't feel the need to hide it behind the black curtain.

This project was so hard to tackle. Documenting it with pictures made it a little more bearable and sidetracked me a little. Although putting this together has definitely given me another good cry. No mommy or daddy should ever have to take down an unused nursery. But some of us do, and it totally sucks! Thank you to all my family and friends who thought of me yesterday morning as I went through this. Your strength helped me get through this part of the journey.