Five Years Part 1

Five years ago yesterday we found out we were having twins.  They were pretty sure they were identical, but they were growing well.  Our life was headed for a HUGE change.  I remember Willy and I asking the technician if she was joking.  We were shocked.  And I was really excited.  Everyone was. I still remember many details from that day. Riding home from the doctor, thinking how I was going to be a mom of twins.  I always wanted twins, not sure why, but I did.  I remember telling Dru at work and how excited she was.  IT was a huge birthday surprise! She told the entire dining center in one loud announcement.  There were phone calls and emails.  This was really going to happen.

Here's the first blog post when we announced here and began the journey.
http://earlstwins.blogspot.com/2010_02_01_archive.html
I was so excited to share with the world our experiences being pregnant and raising twins, along with two other boys.

And here I am five years later.  I still feel a sting when I wake up on February 18th.  I woke up in a bad mood yesterday, but couldn't place it until the afternoon. I know the next three and a half months are going to have some hard moments, days when the tears just flow.  I know by now to embrace those days for what they are. They are now moments when I can just stop and concentrate on the two little boys who aren't running around, adding to our wonderful chaos.

I miss them dearly.  I hate that there are days when I am just so busy with our four living sons, that they don't cross my mind except for a fleeting thought.  Their picture is by the bed, I say goodnight every night.  I packed most of their shelf away when we listed the house on the market.  I am so looking forward to putting it back up one day when we move.

Five years ago, it hadn't crossed my mind yet that this was the journey laid out for us.  There has been incredible heart-wrenching pain, but there has been indescribable joy also.  There were days when I didn't believe I would ever be happy again, and now most days I am blown away by happiness I feel.

The healing that has been brought is amazing.  I love that there are friends and family that continue to love, mention, remember, and embrace Lucas and Caleb.  There will always be a hole where they belong, but being surrounded by such amazing people softens the edges that were once very jagged.

First Day Jitters

The first MOPS meeting of the year was this morning. I love MOPS. I've been a part of the same group off and on for six years now. These women are amazing, and I've made some of my greatest friends through this group. I met my phenomenal friend Kristan, who introduced me to Life Fellowship,  through MOPS. And these women helped pull me through some of the darkest moments of grief. They were at the hospital, with food for my entire family and prayers for us when Caleb was fighting for his life. They brought meal to us and were at Lucas and Caleb's service.  God placed these women in my life, and I am forever grateful. Even though some of my friends that were part of MOPS the first couple of years have graduated, I still hold them so very close to my heart.

All that being said, I always feel anxious that first meeting. There are always new moms there. And there are always get to know each other games and conversations. These are women I don't know, but will get to know better. And how do you introduce yourself and the number of kids without making them feel awkward?  I go over in my head for a few weeks beforehand trying to figure out what I'll say every.single.year.  And I always show up clueless about what I'm going to say.

This year has been no different. I figure the right words will come to me as they are needed. We started with a bingo game this year. The first box was to find a mom who has twins. My first thought was, "Crap." Then I chose to shrug it off and concentrate on the other squares. I was so proud of myself for not dwelling on it like I would have in the past. It didn't even really sting much. Just kind of tapped on my heart, I guess.

Then we were handed our name tags at the table. The hospitality team made them for us. Here is mine.

 

There are six hearts.  One for each of my children.  To have someone so kind as to include Lucas and Caleb , well there were tears.  My heart swelled with love.  And it made it easier to answer questions, such as, "How many kids do you have?" Though I didn't mention today that two of them aren't home with me, I never felt the lump in my throat.  No one really asked how many, they saw the hearts and asked if Benjamin is number six or seven.  Thank you, Stephanie and Sara for your amazing kindness and thoughtfulness. 

 

I left today feeling loved.  Not confused, frustrated, or guilty because I didn't answer the way I felt I should, or my answers made someone feel awkward.  

Looking back at 2013

Normally I have this up on New Year's Eve, but the day passed quickly and it was pretty late by the time I realized I had forgotten.  So, here is looking back on 2013.  The year went by really fast.  There were a lot of memories made, some really hard moments, and some great surprises!

**After writing for an hour, I realize this is crazy long. Hang in there though, there are some great pictures!**

January

The year started with a trip to Washington to visit my family. It was a fun trip.  We visited with my dad, Michelle and her family, and then headed to my mom's to visit with my grandma and for Aunt Boo to meet her newest nephew.

 I will hold this picture every so close.

 

 Miss Emmy Jo with her Scentsy pig.

 

Aunt Boo meeting Simon, and Emily not looking too sure.  Maybe she knew she knew momma would be having one of those little people this year.

 

 

February

 

There was a ton of family fun in February.  I still have a tough time in February, knowing that it was the month we found out we were having twins.  It's kind of an underlying thought that comes and goes.  Kind of a post first year grief thing, I guess.

 

 

 We celebrated Dru's birthday at Chuck E Cheese as we do every year. 

 

 Simon's first ride.  He really didn't care much.

 

 We had an awesome snow!  The perfect snowman snow.

 

 And Simon's first big snow.

 

 And Snickers is a HUGE fan of the snow.  The dog cracked me up!

 

We made a rice krispie treat train one night with the boys as part of a family fun night.  It was fun and super yummy.

 

March

 

March was full of more fun.  The weather was amazing for a month when it is hit or miss.

We spent the first of many outings with our long time pals.  Colton and Carter have been friends since Colton was 10 months old.  We love this family!  And the pictures we have through the years with the kids and this tiger are priceless.

Simon's first Easter

 

 

 The first trip to SDC for the season.  Simon's first train ride.

 

I can't believe how much he has grown!

His first egg hunt.

 

April

 Simon had his first play date with Kye. 

 

 Colton turned 7.  My oh my, what an age.  This was the first birthday without a big party.  It's when we decided to do the family birthday bash in the summer.  Which is one of the greatest ideas we've ever had!

 

The only picture with this hat before it was too small.

A haircut for my Ethan

 

Simon's first trip to Lambert's.

 

The boys with Grandpa Tim. He surprised them by coming down and a trip to Lambert's.

 

May

The most beautiful sunset to start the month.

 

The first of many days at the park.  Love my boys.

My lil bug graduated from Pre-K.  Oh what a tough moment that was.

 The boys' first Amtrak ride.  Ethan still swears that it was the best day of his life!

 

Love it!

Memorial Day fun.  The holiday is always, and will always be tough on my heart.  But spending it with fabulous friends always helps me make it through.

 

June

 





 

Lucas and Caleb would have turned 3 on the first.  Their birthday comes in with a roar still, but leaves quietly now.

 

 The first trip to White Water was fun.

 

 My oldest rocking the monkey bars.

 

Simon's first day trip to the lake to visit grandma and grandpa.  He wanted to fish food also.

 

Our first birthday bash.  This was a huge hit! I can't wait to do this every year!

Our friends and family.

 

July

July was a cooler than normal month.  I really wanted to embrace this summer, and we totally did.

 

 

 The boys filled up water balloons and attacked daddy when he came back from the store.

 And daddy attacked them back.

 

We always go to the Fourth of July parade in Marshfield.  And we always take a family picture.  This is one of the pictures we take that always, always has a hole in it.

 

 

 More park fun

 And Miss Emmy Jo stayed with us for a week!

 

August

School started mid-August.  Ethan's first day of Kindergarten.  Colton's first day of Second Grade.

 

My eyes swell with tears every time I see this picture.

 

September

 September brought us Lucy.  The two weeks we had her were great.  But I'm glad she's in a loving home with close friends that we can visit anytime.

 

 

And Simon turned ONE!  What a day it was!

 

Willy and I celebrated seven years married. 

 

October

 

October was full of fun.  And it was the hardest month of the year.  Losing my grandma has been the hardest moment since losing Lucas and Caleb.  I believe I grieve harder than before.  And it still hurts sometimes.

 

 

 

This woman was so amazing!  I learned so much from her, and her love for life.  She was there for me always.  I still pick up the phone sometimes, ready to call her, whether it is to share a funny story about the boys or just to check on how she is doing.  And last night was tough.  Saying good-bye to the year that we said good-bye to her.

 

We did have some good moments in October also, though.

 

 

Boy Scout camping trip, made awesome by camping with the Harts.

 

And of course, Halloween.

 

November

I was happy to see October go.  November was came in quietly, but left with a ROAR!  Thanksgiving fell late, Black Friday was on Ethan's birthday, and 10 out of 14 of us came down with a stomach bug that last weekend. 

 

 

 

 

 

Maddie and Austin were down for Ethan's birthday this year.  We had an impromptu small party after dinner.

 

December

 

Over a foot of snow fell in December.  Lots and lots of snow.  We had FOUR snow days before Christmas break, and embraced the first three.

 

And Christmas.  The awe and exploration from Simon just warmed my heart all month long.

 Our Santa screaming photo

 

This boy couldn't have been happier.

 My Christmas surprise.  Erika moved home with her family.  I met Ellie Mae.  The tears that fell when I saw her get out of my mom's car, wow, it was pretty incredible.

 

 

I have to say I am glad to see 2013 go.  The year was mostly pretty wonderful, but losing my grandma really overshadows some of the good stuff some days.  But I also look at all these pictures and realized how blessed I truly am.  I am hoping 2014 brings more great memories, and not so much heartbreak.  I know there are some great moments coming up.