Five Years Part 1

Five years ago yesterday we found out we were having twins.  They were pretty sure they were identical, but they were growing well.  Our life was headed for a HUGE change.  I remember Willy and I asking the technician if she was joking.  We were shocked.  And I was really excited.  Everyone was. I still remember many details from that day. Riding home from the doctor, thinking how I was going to be a mom of twins.  I always wanted twins, not sure why, but I did.  I remember telling Dru at work and how excited she was.  IT was a huge birthday surprise! She told the entire dining center in one loud announcement.  There were phone calls and emails.  This was really going to happen.

Here's the first blog post when we announced here and began the journey.
http://earlstwins.blogspot.com/2010_02_01_archive.html
I was so excited to share with the world our experiences being pregnant and raising twins, along with two other boys.

And here I am five years later.  I still feel a sting when I wake up on February 18th.  I woke up in a bad mood yesterday, but couldn't place it until the afternoon. I know the next three and a half months are going to have some hard moments, days when the tears just flow.  I know by now to embrace those days for what they are. They are now moments when I can just stop and concentrate on the two little boys who aren't running around, adding to our wonderful chaos.

I miss them dearly.  I hate that there are days when I am just so busy with our four living sons, that they don't cross my mind except for a fleeting thought.  Their picture is by the bed, I say goodnight every night.  I packed most of their shelf away when we listed the house on the market.  I am so looking forward to putting it back up one day when we move.

Five years ago, it hadn't crossed my mind yet that this was the journey laid out for us.  There has been incredible heart-wrenching pain, but there has been indescribable joy also.  There were days when I didn't believe I would ever be happy again, and now most days I am blown away by happiness I feel.

The healing that has been brought is amazing.  I love that there are friends and family that continue to love, mention, remember, and embrace Lucas and Caleb.  There will always be a hole where they belong, but being surrounded by such amazing people softens the edges that were once very jagged.

First Day Jitters

The first MOPS meeting of the year was this morning. I love MOPS. I've been a part of the same group off and on for six years now. These women are amazing, and I've made some of my greatest friends through this group. I met my phenomenal friend Kristan, who introduced me to Life Fellowship,  through MOPS. And these women helped pull me through some of the darkest moments of grief. They were at the hospital, with food for my entire family and prayers for us when Caleb was fighting for his life. They brought meal to us and were at Lucas and Caleb's service.  God placed these women in my life, and I am forever grateful. Even though some of my friends that were part of MOPS the first couple of years have graduated, I still hold them so very close to my heart.

All that being said, I always feel anxious that first meeting. There are always new moms there. And there are always get to know each other games and conversations. These are women I don't know, but will get to know better. And how do you introduce yourself and the number of kids without making them feel awkward?  I go over in my head for a few weeks beforehand trying to figure out what I'll say every.single.year.  And I always show up clueless about what I'm going to say.

This year has been no different. I figure the right words will come to me as they are needed. We started with a bingo game this year. The first box was to find a mom who has twins. My first thought was, "Crap." Then I chose to shrug it off and concentrate on the other squares. I was so proud of myself for not dwelling on it like I would have in the past. It didn't even really sting much. Just kind of tapped on my heart, I guess.

Then we were handed our name tags at the table. The hospitality team made them for us. Here is mine.

 

There are six hearts.  One for each of my children.  To have someone so kind as to include Lucas and Caleb , well there were tears.  My heart swelled with love.  And it made it easier to answer questions, such as, "How many kids do you have?" Though I didn't mention today that two of them aren't home with me, I never felt the lump in my throat.  No one really asked how many, they saw the hearts and asked if Benjamin is number six or seven.  Thank you, Stephanie and Sara for your amazing kindness and thoughtfulness. 

 

I left today feeling loved.  Not confused, frustrated, or guilty because I didn't answer the way I felt I should, or my answers made someone feel awkward.  

Not So Loud This Year

I'm doing surprisingly well this week. Grief is a little quieter.  I know it could change in 15 minutes, but I've been feeling better than expected all week.  The holiday weekend brought fun and no tears (minus the hormonal breakdown surrounding house stuff).  After the way May began I really expected to be a basket case by now. I am embracing the great moments and happy days.  Maybe this year will be easier.  I am still waiting for Saturday to come and for me to feel broken. But maybe it'll be a little more gentle this year.

I've had a few flashbacks this week, but nothing like it's been in the past.  Tomorrow marks four years since my water broke. I know I'll glance at the clock for the next several days, remembering what was going on at different times.  It's how it is, my reality now.  Five days of remembering uncertainty, hope, grief, and more love than one can ever imagine.  Four years out I can pull positive feelings out of it all.  God has shown and given me so much grace through all this.  And this year I am really trying to focus more on the amazing gifts Lucas and Caleb left me.

We have a wonderful, but quiet, family day planned for Sunday.  I am looking forward to spending time with Willy and the boys.  We're going to fish, eat, play, and swim in a quiet area of an area lake.  It's going to be a time of celebrating family togetherness, and Lucas and Caleb.  This time of year the dragonflies are flying about, hovering over the water.  What better place to celebrate Lucas and Caleb's lives than by a lake where the dragonflies will join us.

I know that with the house stuff, being 15 weeks pregnant (YAY), and the boys beginning summer vacation today has helped me through the beginning of this week.  We are so busy, trying to wrap up stuff, keep the house clean, and chasing Simon.  That boy ran around the house for over 30 minutes last night.  I love the enjoyed chaos of our life.  There are still times when I can sense the hole that is in our family.  But the sting isn't always as intense any longer.  Most times it's a thought that comes and goes with a short stab.  Once in awhile I have to time to let it really soak in.  Willy and I will talk about it, and Lucas and Caleb, some.  We appreciate the moment together.  Then some boy comes running through yelling like a crazed monkey and body slams another boy or Willy. 

Speaking of crazed monkeys, the youngest has woke up.

The oldest two boys watching tv together.  I truly hope they always love each other like this.

 

12.19.13

We're busy.  But we are all well!  There are many little moments I want to write about, but time is short.  Tons of pictures of the boys and Christmas fun, but tomorrow might be a better day for all that.

But for now, we are all well and having a great holiday season.  The big grief storm is beginning to brew, I can feel it deep down.  With my grandma being gone, there have been many moments when tears have reached the surface, a few escaping out.  I miss Lucas and Caleb on a daily basis, but I have honestly been too sick to embrace the hard grief that is due.  This is Christmas number FOUR without them.  How has that much time passed?  And we've survived every one of them. Some have been harder than others, but none as hard as that first one.

The boys are out of school for Christmas break now. Simon LOVES it when they are home.  I don't have Luke next week, so it'll be a vacation for all of us. He's a really good baby, but with the big boys home, it's tougher.

A quick confession: We haven't seen Santa yet or been to SDC this season.  I have only half our decorations up.  With all the crud we've been passing around, I am happy for my tree to be completed and shopping mostly done.  SDC probably won't happen, and it may be the 23rd before we see Santa.  And I am mostly okay with that.

A Birth Story for Simon's Birthday

Simon turns ONE today.  It's been a day of emotions for me, and fun so far for him.  I can't believe how big he is, and how much he is learning every day.  He can do so much now, and I know the next several months is going to be so full of learning and growing.  It's going to be fun!! 

Oh and he's walking now!  Love, love, love it!

I thought since I never really posted his birth story here, that I would go ahead and do so today.  It's really a great story and I love it all so much.  I'll spare every little detail, because with pictures it would last forever.  But here's the highlights with some picture of the day he was born.

I woke up at 2:30 on Wednesday morning as I had pretty much every morning for the past month.  Usually I would go downstairs, watch a little tv and fall back asleep on the couch.  Knowing, however, that Simon would be here today, I couldn't fall back asleep.  At about 4:30 I gave up and took a shower.  At 5:15am I woke up Willy and the boys and we got ready to head for the hospital for our schedule C-section.

Taken in front of Labor and Delivery

 

Once we were admitted, the nurse introduced the nursing student that would be with us also. She seemed surprised when I told her that if I was contracting regularly and there was a change in my cervix from Friday, that Dr L would break my water and we would try for a VBAC.  But she was game. 

At 8:00 or so, Dr L came in and said I was dilated to a 2, and that we could try for the VBAC.  She said that they'd admit me to Labor and Delivery and she would be back down to break my water.  I was ecstatic!!!  I really was hoping for a VBAC.  But my prayers for most the pregnancy had been that if a c-section was safer, that we would know for sure, without a doubt.  So we packed up my stuff and headed to the other section of Labor and Delivery.

Happy face for no c-section

 

Dr L came in about 10:00 to break my water.  I was feeling no contractions, although they were about 3 minutes apart or so.  She told me before leaving it usually take an hour for labor to really begin.  It was 15 minutes later when the first strong and true contraction hit.  And like my other labors, they were all in my back.  By 11:30 I was on the labor ball with Willy applying counter pressure in the small of my back.  I was 4 cm dilated and the nurse put me on the epidural list.  About 12:30, the anesthesiologist came in with some students and I was soon much more comfortable.

Texting with Rhonda.  She was in labor in CO also.

 

The boys visited about every hour or so.

 

 

 

 

 

At this point it was all about getting some rest while I could.  They checked me every hour or so to make sure I was progressing some.  Since I couldn't have Pitocin with the VBAC, they had to keep a close eye on him.  From 12:30-3:30 I had gone from a 4-5.  I was still laboring well, and contraction were still regular, I just wasn't progressing.  Dr L came down to check on me before a C-section.  She told me that if things didn't progress more in the next hour that we would try some other methods to see if thing would pick up.  I continued to pray for his safe arrival.  C-section or VBAC I didn't care, I just wanted him here safely.

Ethan watching the monitors.

At 4:15 they checked me again and I was dilated to a 7!  I was so excited for some progress.

At 4:45 I was checked again and was 8cm dilated!  Not 5 minutes late I began to feel the pain above my hip that always indicates that I am ready to push.  The nurse only checked me again because Simon's labor was my third labor.

And this was taken at 4:53

Dr L and I.  After 5 babies, she was finally able to deliver one.  She has ALWAYS been out of town when the other boys were delivered.

Everything moved pretty fast once they noticed Simon was coming.  It was a blur of movement to hurry up and set up before he was here.  I remember the nurse telling me not to laugh, because his head was right there.  They brought the mirror in and oh my, he truly was.  Dr L came in, put her gloves on.  I pushed once and out he came.  I remember knowing that I would breathe once I heard him cry.  I didn't have a chance to listen because he came out and his cord was wrapped around his neck.  Dr L told Willy she had to cut the cord, as she was doing it and I was just holding onto the fact that he's here.  He finally cried for us and I took the easiest breath I had since I found out I was pregnant with him.

And at 5:07 Simon Parker William was born.

 

One of my all time favorites!

 

 

 

I want to say that I was afraid that fear for Simon would fill the day.  I was afraid that grief would overshadow the joy.  But I was able to tuck away the fear and grief and embrace every single moment.  Lucas and Caleb were there with us, but I didn't feel emotional tugs, or experience flashbacks as I thought I would.  I am grateful for that.

There is Still Pain.

I'm writing this in two parts.  Before and After.  A way to see what I expect and reality of what happens.

 

Today I am closing another chapter in grief.  It's been almost three years since I took down Lucas and Caleb's room and packed it away.  I remember everything just being thrown in their room before I came home from the hospital and a black sheet being hung in the doorway as a wall to block me from seeing it.  I remember the first time I peeked in there, and I remember so vividly packing away everything in there.  Each pair of outfits, each pair of pair of shoes, each pair of hats.

 

Today I am giving away to a close friend the items I didn't put in their keep tote.  The big items that we bought and have stored for three years and the matching outfits for them.  I have had the intention for the past three years to sell them one day, then to donate them.  But I never went all the way through it. 

 

But it is time to let go, and I know these items are meant for this new growing family.  I have known for years (wow crazy) that one day someone close to me would be expecting twin baby boys.  Deep, deep down in my heart, the feeling was there.  The time is here, and I am as ready as I can ever be.

 

To be honest this hurts.  It's not a pain I can label, but the tears are falling.  This is a huge step that I've known I would one day have to make.  I feel it is a necessary step in order to continue moving forward on this journey.  I know the items bought for Lucas and Caleb were bought out of love for those two little boys, and that the two little boys that will use them will be loved just as much. 

 

I am nervous about conversation with C and L (just realized the initials of the couple everything is going to).  I have no idea how I will feel, but I am sure they will be gracious.  They know my heart is tender right now and that this is hard for me….harder than I anticipated.  But I will let things flow as they will, and let it all be.

                  ***************************************************************

 

I've done it! And I feel good.  It wasn't too awkward and there were no tears during the visit.  I am glad it's over, and glad the things that were theirs will now be used instead of collecting dust. 

 

Conversation wasn't forced, and was kept pretty light.  We talked about being pregnant in the summer and how much hotter it is.  L was really excited when we were looking through some of the outfits and they both expressed how grateful they are to be given this stuff. 

 

I feel lighter now.  And I feel happy in a way.  It's hard to explain, but I really do.  I am glad I walked through this, and didn’t run away as I was tempted to.  I am glad I let myself feel what I needed to, and am now able to smile.  And I know that I have healed a little more.

 

05*31*13

I'm supposed to be making cowboy coffee cake for Friday Morning Coffee.  It is half put together and mixed in the kitchen.  I have to take a break though.  I thought maybe I would escape the tears today.  I felt great when I woke up and the sun was shining.  But the pain has rolled in with the clouds.  Grief and tears began to linger just under the surface.  And one of the things I have learned from this journey is that if I don't let the tears fall, if I don't feel what I need to feel, then the pain will hang around all day.  And they day will be shot.  So here I am writing, getting it all out.  Letting the tears fall.

I can't believe it's been three years since we went through all this.  The flashbacks are serious this year.  Lying in the hospital, watching the clock, praying to make it to 48 hours.  Last night as I was getting ready for bed, I remembered how Willy brought me the three HUGE containers of different types of M&M's.  Us hanging out there, nervously joking around, not knowing what was just around the corner.

Tonight marks three years since we learned Lucas' heart quit beating.  The horrible pain that came at that moment, and then the knowledge that I had to keep it held together to give Caleb a fighting chance.  I'll never forget those quiet moments when the nurses, then Dr M searched and searched for some sign of a heartbeat.  And then when she looked at me with the sad look, and I knew. 

There are a lot of reason why the pain is so raw and intense this year.  It has really caught me by surprise.  Thanks to my friends and family who have shared their love and prayers this month, and over the past three years as we've walked through all this.  You all mean more to me that you can ever know.  Sorry for the tear jerker first thing in the morning, but my tears have fallen this morning.  I hope the sun comes out and grief lets me be for today.

Love you baby boys!  Off to make some breakfast.

05*21*13

There is just over two weeks left until Lucas and Caleb's birthday and anniversaries.  I feel the weight of the upcoming dates daily.  I had an incredibly hard week last week.  I cried everyday five days in a row.  I haven't had that since I was three months out, and I am now three years out.  A HUGE trigger was hit on an already bad day. My heart was ripped open, the healing scars that were already being tugged from Mother's Day were torn to shreds.  The pain was that raw.

 

It's cloudy out today.  Storms have been rolling through since Sunday evening.  Yesterday a devastating tornado hit two elementary schools in Oklahoma, along with hundreds of homes and a hospital.  But the schools, oh my.  The pain I imagine those parents felt knowing their children were in those schools, and not knowing if their children would be walking out of the rubble that was left.  It hurts my already fragile heart.  I've tried to stay away from the media outpour, as I know watching it all will do nothing to help them.

 

This year Memorial Day falls a week before Lucas and Caleb's birthday.  In 2010, Lucas passed away on Memorial Day, my water broke the Saturday of the holiday weekend.  (As I typed this, the memory of Dr M shaking her head, saying "I'm sorry." came rushing back) We have this amazing family weekend planned this for this weekend.  And I don't know what to expect emotionally.  I know the past two years, the holiday weekend has been tough also.  It's almost like the anniversaries hit twice.

 

I was talking with a close friend, Kathleen, last week.  She has the theory that part of the reason for the depth of the pain this year is that we have Simon now.  Up until now, the hole Lucas and Caleb left was borderless.  It was a hole after Colton and Ethan in our family.  Now that Simon is here, there are actual definition to said hole.  He acts as the second "bookend".  I've put a lot of thought to this, and feel she is so very right.  Thank you, Kathleen for your amazing words.

 

Outside of all this heavy grief, we are doing okay.  Colton has started summer vacation and Ethan's summer begins Wednesday at 1:00.  The weather up until recently has been wonderful!  We have really enjoyed some fun family time together.  I am so grateful I can stay home with my boys and take them to the park, play outside, and enjoy them every day.

To wrap this up, here are some pictures.  I guess next week I'll post an eight month post for Simon along with pictures from months 6-8 in his onesie and sticker.  It'll be fun to see how much he has changed all in one post.

 Loving some swing time

 

 Love this first pancake!
 

Look at me mom!!!

 



Oh my, is all I can say!

 



Check out those baby blues.  Look out Dads!

 



I can really cheese it up!

 



Love this little boy

 



First fishing of the summer

 



Simon checking out the fishing pole

 



Ethan graduated from Pre-K on Wednesday.  A teary afternoon for this big boy.\

 



Early morning reading of train book.

 



Colton won the Spelling award and Super Habit Hero for 99% HABIT points at his award ceremony last Wednesday.  So very proud of him!

A Gloomy Thursday

I was going to post about our awesome weekend, but picture won't load.  And I really feel I wouldn't be doing this journey any justice if I didn't share about the horrible visit from grief on Thursday.  Writing is helpful, but I couldn't even make it to the computer to write that day. 

My grandma (mom's side) has been sick for awhile.  Colon cancer.  I won't go into details because she is a pretty private person.  But things are looking good anymore. 

My grandma and I are extrememely close.  I talk to her several times a week.  She has been a faith mentor to me growing up.  And she is just an amazing person.  I really can't describe how close we really all, because there are no words to do our relationship justice. 

Having lost two babies of my own, I know the pain of grief.  And I know how much losing her is going to hurt.  I really know.  And combining that knowledge with the winddown of the holiday season, I had a tough day.

It was one of those days when I couldn't think without crying.  The crying that comes with the inability to catch your breath.  Much like the crying the first few days and weeks after saying good bye to my sweet babies.  I would get up and try to think about dinner, and the tears would flow.  The loud cries that turn heads.  I would get frustrated and just give up on that task.  I'd move back to the couch, push play on Netflix, and curl up under my blanket.  I'd resurface when Simon woke up to eat.  Then he would smile at me, I'd think about seeing double the smile, and the tears would fall once again. 

I would then get angry that I was holding my perfect, smiling little boy, and still be crying.  I am incredibly grateful to have Simon. But there are days like Thursday when holding him also brings back the pain of losing his brothers.  There is such a delcate balance there.  I felt guilt for not being able to fully be in the moment with Simon.

When grief sarted closing in, I tried to fight it.  Then I realized that I really just had to Walk Through It.  It is easy to forget at times how to grief in a way that is right for you.  Being 31 months out, I don't have days like this very often.  And yet it always blows me away how fresh the pain is on days like that.  And I hate it.  I felt like my heart was being ripped out and shredded all over again.

I must say, though, that the day wore on.  Around 6 or so I began to feel better.  Walking through, chocolate, and lots of prayer helped me through the day.  I want to share that it is refreshing to know that I no longer feel anger towards God on days like Thursday.  That's a pretty big step. I am not sure when that transition was made, but I love it!

Christmas 2012

I am sure I don't have to tell anyone that this Christmas was better than the last two.  Simon is here, and everyday I feel grateful to have him.  And although I still felt the pain of missing Lucas and Caleb, I was still able to enjoy the season more than I have the past couple years.

 

We always get together with some of our closest friends throughout the holiday season.  We had our annual Parents Christmas party on the 15th.  This was an absolute blast.  Everyone's children are with sitters and we can to enjoy time together without our kiddos.  We love them, but it is nice to reconnect as adults sometimes.  I didn't take any pictures, but there was tons of food, and I laughed more than I have in ages.  I am so grateful for the friends we have been blessed with.  They have walked through this life with our family, and I couldn't ask for better.

 

Our family always opens up a present on Christmas Eve. Normally it is just the Christmas pajamas, but we decided to shake it up a little this year.  Colton and Ethan took time and special thought in picking out gifts for each other, Simon, Willy, and I.  We really wanted them to open those gifts so they could appreciate the thought and be grateful to each other.  It was so much fun!  The excitement they had, oh dear! And Willy requested I open my gift from him and the boys...

 

 

I am truly loved!  They named her Rosie, and she cleans my floors every night after the boys go to bed.  It makes it so much easier to keep them clean, and the boys feel more motivation to have ALL their toys picked up before bed. 

 

We then headed out to Willy's parents house for our Christmas Eve gathering and food.  Oh the fun here!  And when I walked in and looked under the tree, and I saw Simon's stocking, my heart just swelled.  My baby boy's name on his very own stocking.

Ethan's face with each and every gift he opened.  Priceless!

Simon checking out the lights and music.

 

Playing Connect Four Launchers with Grandma and Grandpa.  This game really is fun!

We came home that night and the boys headed straight for bed.  They were so excited for Santa, that there were no problems there.  And I set off to wrapping.  I have decided that besides scaling down next year, Santa's elves will take gifts out of the store packaging (minus legos) and put them in plain, square boxes. Wrapping those awkward boxes is tough, and frustrating the second and third time around.

After Santa visited.

 

 Santa got tired and left a few toys unwrapped under the tree.  The boys were so excited and were able to open and play with them while I fed Simon.

 

Not sure about the stocking

 

Snickers digging into his stocking.



Loving on his elephant rattle.  This is quickly becoming a top toy.

 

The mess.

 

But hey, check out our new floors!

Ethan and the marble maze he asked Santa for.  I think gifts like this should come already assembled next year.  

 

No excitement here!  Santa left this for the boys also.  They have been barely holding on for Christmas to see if they would get Skylander's Giants....they even got it for the Wii!

 

Happy Simon

This is a Christmas gift from Colton and his teacher Mrs. C.  She is so amazingly thoughtful, and I am grateful. For my baby boys to be remembered just swells my heart, especially when it's someone who is relatively new to our lives.  Thank you!

The boys Monday morning.  Taking a break from enjoying Christmas haul to read a lego magazine.

Christmas was good this year.  2012 was really good to us.  And as I held and snuggled my baby Simon, not a moment went by when I didn't think the Lord for my so many blessings.