Grief Always Finds Me

(Dana N. the details of the dream below might be hard for you. Just wanted to give you a head's up)

I've been doing GREAT lately. Like really, really good. It's been two weeks since I have cried for my Lucas and Caleb. The last I remember crying for them was when I was sharing part of my testimony to my bible study group. I have felt this calm, this peacefulness, that I had forgotten existed. And I was thinking yesterday how great this seems to be. I know that next week is 10 months, and in 10 weeks is one year. WOW!!!

Then last night I dreamed. The dream was scary. I was at the OB's office with Willy, the boys, and Willy's parents. We announced to them there that I was expecting again. I went in for an ultrasound and Dr. L. asked me how far along I was. I answered with 20-21 weeks. She then asked me to remove my clothes. I thought it was weird, but obliged. She then reached down and pulled the baby out. No warning, nothing! The baby had bands around it's limbs and torso. It's fingers were only little stubs, and the face not really formed yet. I was devastated. I wondered how I was going to tell everyone we had lost another baby. Dr. L. didn't really say anything other than I'm sorry.

This dream has kind of stuck with me through the day. The image of the baby is plastered to my mind. I'm not sure what has brought this on. I am sure grief is missing me. And me going off birth control soon (no we aren't TTC, just having problems) probably adds to it. But I feel a little lost all of a sudden. I like how I fabulous I feel, but the guilt of doing so well is starting to creep in. Go figure. And then there is the knowledge that this greatness just can last.

Sweet Dreaming

I have little time this morning, but wanted to get it down before I forgot, as I've forgotten alot of it already.

I dreamed of Lucas and Caleb last night. They were about 6 months old and sleeping in the bunkbeds. Lucas on top and Caleb on bottom. Lucas had been up for awhile and I went to check on Caleb as he'd been sleeping for quite awhile. When I went in, his body was cold and he was pale (much like when he was in my arms in the hospital) I started to sob and said, "Oh, Caleb." Then he opened his beautiful blue eyes and grinned at me (Ethan's grin by the way). I picked him up and held him so tightly, he nuzzled my shoulder and cheek. I then dressed both boys in their matching outfits. Willy walked up and I told him how Caleb had been cold and he told me that it was normal, "didn't I remember." That it was part of the TTTS effects and that he would grow out of it. And I had both babies in my arms, cooing and grinnng.

I wish I had more time to dig into this dream, I don't. But I plan on trying to after the weekend.

The Dream

A few nights ago I had the most vivid dream of Lucas and Caleb. I really want to share the details on here since I really think it is a HUGE part in all this. Since it's been a few days, it might be a little choppy, but most dreams are, anyway.

Willy and I were in our playroom with the double stroller in front of us. The twins were about 3 months old. Caleb was fine, but Lucas was dead. They had chubby cheeks, blonde hair and were so adorable. This picture will be forever burned in my memory. I picked Lucas up and held him tight. My tears fell on the top of his head and I just kept crying. Then I felt him jump a little. It was a tiny movement, but I felt it. I held him out in front of me and he opened his eyes. I cried out for Willy. My Lucas came back. He was breathing and smiling at me. His beautiful eyes just grinned with happiness. When I looked down at my Caleb he was smiling the same smile. I had both my baby boys, finally.

This dream was so vivid. I could smell them, I could feel my Lucas cuddle up into my neck. I felt this intense happiness that is indescribable. And then I woke up. But instead of breaking down in tears, realizing it was all a dream, I felt this calmness and peace. I knew Caleb and Lucas were okay, and watching down on all of us. I miss them so much, but it feels a little different now.

This dream makes me smile now, and a few tears fall when I talk about it with someone. I still feel cheated and robbed. But I am grateful to be able to picture their double smile. Sometimes it helps bring me some peace and sometimes it hurts that I won't get to experience it on a daily basis. I am really trying to embrace some positiveness in this. I have to or I am going to fall down a deep, dark hole.

Dreams

Now that I am finally free from the re-enaction dreams of all the events surrounding the twins' birth and loss, I am actually dreaming. Those dreams of the twins' were hard to have. I would play over and over everything that happened and would try to change something so that I would wake up and the outcome of all of it would be changed. No such luck, ever. I reached a point where I would wake up and continue thinking about it all. It was so unfair that I couldn't even escape all this in my sleep.

Well, I am back to having dreams, not quite normal, but I guess my new normal. Some have been very vivid, others a little daunting, and some quite frightening. Last week I woke up in middle of the night from a pretty crazy dream. I decided to write it down. Then I couldn't sleep so I decided to interpret it online. Some pretty awesom insights came to light! Even though I'm not directly dreams about Lucas and Caleb, this journey is still represented in so tons of ways through my dreams. Which makes sense, beings it is permenantly stamped on my subconscious.

So I've decided to keep a dream journal. On those nights when I wake up remembering specific details and storylines of dreams, I am writing it all down. Then in the morning I dissect it, look it up, and figure out what in this crazy world my subconscious is trying to make me see. And it works! I mean there are a few things I have been bouncing around on and the logical answer is right there in my dreams.

Of course there are some that are pretty "Well, duh." But others are really helping me out. The best from last night was in part of my dream I was lost in a dark area and it interpretted to be, "still adjusting to new situation where rules and conditions are ever changing." Well, that pretty much sums my life these days. I think many of you BLM's can agree that this road is always changing, how we feel is always changing, and a rule that might apply today has no bearing what-so-ever tomorrow.

I encourage my BLM friends to try this just one time. I honestly think it could be worthwhile and maybe a little fun. Then if you want, share pieces of it that fit together for you.

And I plan on updating 365 on Monday or Tuesday. I know I am way behind, but things are a little chaotic right now and I am feeling a little overwhelmed in some areas.