Surviving the Milestones

I thought I'd been doing really well this pregnancy.  The fear has been at a minimal since finishing the first trimester.  I've enjoyed this pregnancy with an underlying knowledge that horrible things happen, but it wasn't at the forefront of my mind every hour of every day.  I've enjoyed that so much!

24 week baby bump

Monday was 24 weeks for Mr. B.  It was such a sigh of relief, knowing if things started to go south, he'd have much more of a chance of surviving. Viability....24 weeks.  How little I knew about that before Lucas and Caleb were born. 24 weeks was just another week down til meeting our little men.  Know it's circled in bright red on the calendar.  The second big target date to reach. 

I was talking with Willy last weekend about how this week could be a tough one for me.  I remember I was a huge mess between 24 and 25 weeks with Simon. 

24 weeks, 1 day: water broke with Lucas and Caleb
24 weeks, 3 days: Lucas died
24 weeks, 4 days: Lucas and Caleb was born
24 weeks, 5 days: (Day one after birth) Caleb died.

That's a whole lot of scary moments to swim around in a short amount of time.  I breezed through Tuesday this week.  We spent the day at SDC as a family.  Wednesday was a great day for me.  And Wednesday night I was falling asleep, patting myself on the back for handling this week of pregnancy with Benjamin so well.  Fear hadn't crept in much at all, and I was enjoying my moments with him.

Then Thursday morning hit.  Benjamin didn't wake up with me as he ALWAYS does.  He was quiet through my shower and breakfast.  I had a regular prenatal visit scheduled, so I was trying to get ready for it.  But as the minutes passed by without feeling him moving around, I started to make plans.  How if I couldn't find his heartbeat with the Doppler after breakfast I would have to make plans for the kids so Willy could come with me to the dr.  How I would have to call my friend and let her know I wouldn't be picking up her son.  And the flashbacks began.  How much pain there was when Dr M looked at me and shook her head when she couldn't find Lucas' heartbeat.  And all I could do was pray.  Pray for the pain and fear to just go away.  Try and have faith that no matter what, we would be okay.  Fear is not of God, and I try to remember that in those dark moments.  I try to embrace it with all I have left.

I found Benjamin's heartbeat after breakfast.  It was quiet and slower than usual, but I felt confident it was there.  Knowing I would be seeing Dr L in less than hour, I finished getting ready and headed to the office on my own.  I talked with a close friend on the way there that helped to talk me down a little.  I have to say that it is so wonderful to have friends who "get" it, and don't think you are totally nuts at times like this.

My nurse, W, found his heartbeat.  150....not his normal.  She found it again. 150, his heartbeat was there.  He gave me a good jab while she was looking for it.  Happy with that.  Dr L measured me at 25 weeks, he's growing well.  And he was pretty active most of the day.  I could breathe a little easier.  But not entirely.

Here's the facts.  I know the pain of losing a child.  I know the reality of losing a child.  I know it can, and does, happen more than once.  And sometimes those facts play louder in my head than I would like.  Sometimes they're like a broken record, others I've succeed to push them far behind and have faith that Benjamin will be in my arms, crying in 15 short weeks.  The roller coaster ride of emotions that come with a subsequent pregnancy is tough.  This pregnancy has been easier, but there are still the tough moments.  In ways I miss the naïve moments of pregnancy I had with Colton and Ethan, but I honestly believe I wouldn't be able to truly embrace the moments, as I do now, that I have had with Simon and Benjamin.

One Beautiful Heartbeat

 

There's Lil' Turkey.  You can see her/his heart lighting up.  Love love love this little baby.  I am breathing the easiest I have since the positive result on the pregnancy test. Just seeing Turkey and a beating heart renews my hope.

 

I know I've said it before, but it's tough being pregnant after a loss.  I was a nervous wreck this morning.  I knew that once we went in that room there was no turning back.  Up until that moment, I assumed things were okay due to my symptoms being strong and my pants getting smaller.  But once we saw or didn't see a heartbeat, that was that.   And it took a few minutes for me to find Lil' Turkey's heartbeat.  I was trying not to panic as I scanned the screen for that little flicker that means so much.  What a sigh of relief when I saw.  I held back tears of joy, knowing that so far things are looking good.

 

As far as how I'm doing physically, well I still claim this is the toughest first trimester yet.  The nausea is hit and miss throughout the day.  I think I am figuring out how to control the amount of energy I have, and how I best use it.  My good friend, heartburn, arrived a couple nights ago.  My pants don't fit without the belly band, or I just wear maternity pants.  And the foil taste in my mouth is still sticking around.  But every ill feeling I have just reminds me that baby is growing and healthy.  I try to be grateful for it all.

 

The appointment went well today.  Heartbeat 174.  Measuring 9 weeks 3 days, right on with my calculated due date of November 17th.  One inch exactly.  Lil' Turkey was sleeping for the ultrasound, so didn't get to see baby move, but I really didn't need to as long as that heart was flickering.

2012: What a Great Year

Oh what a year 2012 has been.  This year brought us Simon.  We rediscovered hope.  I am sad to see the year end, almost.  It's a different sadness than it was 2 years ago.  I remember Lucas and Caleb's year, that New Year's Eve.  2010 ending meant their year was ending.  It was hard, I hit grief's brick wall that day unexpectedly.  This year has just been so great to our family. 

 

 

 January we found out we were expecting Cinco, our fifth baby.

 February brought fear as I began spotting and we didn't see a baby on the ultrasound. (Picture not actual picture, but very similar)

 

But a few weeks later, here is our Cinco!  His heart was beating and the tears flowed.

 

In March we took the boys to the circus.  I was able to muster up the energy to enjoy the night. 

 

April was Colton's 6th birthday and 18 weeks pregnant!

In May we learned Cinco was Simon.  What an amazing appointment that day.  We also learned Simon would be here a week sooner than we had been planning.  Whoo hoo!

 

I conquered my fear of buying these in May also.

 

In June we remembered Lucas and Caleb on their 2nd birthday.  The day was a good one, and there was more happy than sad.  

In July we celebrated the fourth with good friends. Twice!

 

 

August saw a crazy heat wave, but we toughed it out to take the boys fishing.

We also went and saw Monster Trucks in July!  That was such a blast!

 

Colton started first grade in August

 

35 weeks pregnant!

 

And my amazing friends threw my baby shower.  What a fabulously perfect day!

September found me 38 weeks pregnant.

And Ethan's first day of Pre-K

 And after 2 false labor trips, my baby Simon was born.  Healthy and Alive. 

 

October was Halloween with my three boys.

 

And who can forget the flood in our house.  Not to mention the 5 day hotel stay with a 4 week old.

November brought house construction, a HUGE Thanksgiving feast with 20 people, and Simon's first bubbly smile.

 

December came quickly. 

Our family.  3 boys here on Earth, and my heavenly babies symbolized by their pin on my chest.

 

It has truly been a tremendous year.  I have grown so much in so many ways.  My faith, by leaps and bounds, as my pregnancy with Simon tested it to it's very core at times.  I am grateful for everyday of 2012.  2013 will be interesting, and I am ready to take it on!

Six Week Check-Up

Today was my six week check-up.  I can't believe I am two days away from having a six week old baby boy. Time has really flown by quickly around here.  I am sure my house being under reconstruction, Halloween, PTA stuff, and having two very rambunctious older boys has nothing to do with it. HA!

Today was tough.  Going in to see Dr. L. with my live baby should have been great!  But it really was a culmination of the past three years.  As a matter of fact, it was three years ago this week that I called to schedule an appointment because we were having trouble conceiving.  They weren't going to get us in until February.  We conceived Lucas and Caleb in December. 

Anyway, so many emotions have happened in that office.  There are so many memories that flood me every time I step off that elevator.  And I people watch now when I sit in the waiting room.  I notice those who just saw their baby for the first time.  I quietly pray for those who are waiting for their 10-12 week ultrasound. I keep to myself, and panicked today when Simon began to fuss.  What if someone is in there who can't get pregnant?  Or someone who has loss a baby(ies) and is hoping for some good news? 

I was in Room 36 today.  The memories of that room...It is where they took my staples out after my c-section with Lucas and Caleb.  I cried so much with my nurse and doctor that day.  I didn't want to be there at all.  There was so much pain.  And there are no pictures of babies in that room.  I wonder if it's done on purpose.  I was in there again four weeks later for my post-op appointment.  Dr L. crushed me when she said I had to wait six months before getting pregnant again.

I was in there in June of 2011 when I was still not pregnant and was really hoping my next visit would be because we were expecting again.  I didn't want to be there for some regular annual exam.  And the next time I was in that room was for my 24 week appointment with Simon.  Viability and past the point where we were when Lucas and Caleb were delivered.  Dr L. and I celebrated that day.

Then I was in there the day we scheduled the c-section for Simon.  We decided to wait one day past my due date.  I was nervous and anxious about that.  Dr L. said it was completely up to me, but that she really didn't want to cheat me out of 48 hours to try and go into labor on my own.  She wanted me to VBAC, as did I. 

Then today.  I was in there, with my living and very much awake baby boy.  The baby boy who spit up on me just five minutes prior in the waiting room.  The tears today were happy ones, ones of relief.  We all survived the past three years, and we did it together.

I won't go back until February.  This makes me sad.  I love my doctor and my nurse.  We have been through so much together, and to not see them for so long is a little tough to think about.  I've come to enjoy the chats with each of them.  And they have been such a large part of our lives, I'm really going to miss them.

But at least there is a very happy ending to this chapter, and everything looks great. For that I am eternally grateful!

40 WEEKS!!!!

 35 weeks and 5 days ago this picture was taken!  I don't think I have ever been so excited to see a line in my life. 19 and a half months after losing Lucas and Caleb we learned Cinco was on his way.  The excitement was short lived.  Four days later I began spotting.

At 6 weeks 1 day, I went in for an ultrasound and they saw nothing but an empty sac.  My heart was crushed.  Not only that, but the sac was measuring a week behind.  My doctor tried her best to reassure me that all could still be okay.  I began grieving.



At 7 weeks, 2 days we went in for another ultrasound, fully expecting to still not see anything.  There are absolutely no words to describe the emotions that flowed when we saw Cinco's heart blink.  He was growing, thriving, and we were still pregnant.

It's been a long, long 35+ weeks.  I am surprised to make it to 40 weeks.   There have been many days when I am hanging by a thread.  The prayers that have surrounded this baby boy are just amazing!  And I am grateful for every single one of them.  This leg of the journey has had it's ups and downs, with challenges I expected, and some that truly caught me off guard.

40 week Stats:

Baby size: Between 7-9 lbs.....hopefully

Weight Gain: 33 lbs ( I lost a little more)

How I feel: Pretty good physically considering I am sooooo very pregnant.   Nighttime is hard, there is little sleep involved.

Cravings: Sweet foods, along with greasy stuff.  What a combo.

Best Part of Last Week: Playing tag with my family at the park through the crazy tall grass garden at Nathaniel Greene

Looking forward to: Holding my baby boy tomorrow.


Simon is active today!  I am so grateful as he lets me know he is doing well and ready to enter this world.  I have prayed and prayed for labor to come on it's own.  But I have also prayed that if it's not safe for me to have a VBAC, that we would know, without a doubt.  I trust that no matter how Simon comes, that it is best for him and I. 

There are so many other things I want to write about, but for some reason, I am drawing a blank.  I go back and forth with the realization he is going to be here tomorrow, and the disbelief that plagues a momma who has lost a baby(ies).  It's a tough roller coaster to ride.  But every second will be worth it when I am holding Simon in my arms tomorrow.

Here are this weeks pictures.  I am ready for the beyond part of monkeys to dragonflies.

40 weeks

 

A bare belly shot. 

One half of his room.

The other half.

Thank you everyone for your thoughts, prayers, and support through this pregnancy.  We are so blessed to be surrounded by so much love.

PS I have a list of blog posts that need to be caught up on from the past month.  I promise to get to them soon.

First Trip to L&D

On Friday, September 7th, we made our first trip to Labor and Delivery.

 

I was with Dru and we were on our way to a Scentsy party in Lebanon. (about 45 miles away from home).  A storm was rolling in as we were leaving and we figured we would just stay ahead of it.  As we were approaching Conway (30 miles or so) we heard on the radio about a tornado warning in the area we were in.  To the north of us we could see the wall cloud.  It was approaching the highway quickly just in front of us. 

 

I could see a slight rotation in the cloud itself, but nothing quite yet.  I said a prayer for safety and we drove with the idea of getting off at the Conway exit to safety.  About 1 mile from the exit, the funnel cloud started to form.  There are very few moments when I have been that terrified.  It was honestly less than 100 yards away.  It was very possible it would meet us on the highway. I prayed and prayed for it to stop.  All I could think about was being almost 38 weeks pregnant, on the highway, with a tornado trying to form.  After a few seconds (though it seemed much longer) it began to disappear.  And I started to contract.

 

Not the one we saw, but close.  Only it didn't make it that far towards the ground

 

We pulled off in Conway and stopped at a gas station.  There were 3 paramedics inside waiting out the storm also.  I sat down and tried my best to relax.  Every once in awhile one of the paramedics would look my way and maybe ask if I was doing okay.  I was trying really hard to keep calm.  But the contractions kept up.  I kept telling Simon that this wasn't the time to make his grand entrance into this world, but it would also be true to his nature. 

 

After 25 minutes or so of complete denial, I realized they were 2-3 minutes apart and getting stronger.  I told Dru I really thought it was time to head back to Springfield and to the hospital.  We checked the radar and off we went.  The contractions kept up the entire time.  I wasn't in agonizing pain, it was really more pressure than pain. 

 

I tried to call Willy to let him know the plans.  Mike was picking up my van from their house and was going to take it to Willy so he could meet us at the hospital.  Well, our phone was out due to the same storm.  Luckily I was able to reach Kristan, who woke up her son, packed up her boys and headed to my house so I could let Willy know what was going on.

 

I got to Labor and Delivery about 6:30pm.  When they hooked me up I was contracting 2-3 minutes apart.  When she checked me, I was dilated to a 1 (I was fully closed and thick on Wed) and she could feel his head "right there".  We decided I'd walk for an hour and see what kind of progress was made.  It was almost 9:00 when she checked me again.  No more progress had been made, but I was contracting every minute and a half, and they were becoming painful.  We decided to hang out another hour while I rested and see if any changes could happen.  At 10:00 I was checked again, and there was still no progress.  The Dr thought it best to go home for a few hours to labor.  She was sure I'd be back around 3:00am with my water broke and dilated to a 4-5. 

 

Once home, the contractions continued.  About midnight I hopped in the shower to relax a little.  Around 1:00am or so the contractions began to slow down, and they were gone enough for me to sleep by 2:30am.  Bummer!

 

***How was being back at Labor and Delivery?***

The nurse and on call doctor (Dr. D) were both incredibly compassionate.  I really hadn't thought about having to go into detail about Lucas and Caleb.  She was so sympathetic as I gave her necessary details.  We also had to discuss the details of the VBAC and the differences there. 

 

Walking the halls was different.  Lucas and Caleb's pregnancy was the only pregnancy when I didn't have to walk the halls.  But with each lap, I had to pass the rooms they passed away in.  They were empty, so there were no sounds coming from them, but I still found the rooms themselves daunting.  My boys spent their last living moments in those rooms. 

 

The true realization of Simon really being on his way came to me during these moments also.  Those who have had their rainbow babies understand, I know.  I know Simon will be here any day.  But really knowing it, really being able to wrap my mind around it is different.  There was excitement, anxiety, and a little fear in there.  And I do have anxiety about the VBAC.  So many thoughts raced through my head as I took each step through those hallways.  It still seemed surreal at moments.  Then they sent me home where it all stopped.

 

I realized today I will most likely have to go through all the details surrounding Lucas and Caleb's birth  again when I go back in.  I find it frustrating.  A part of me is already reliving those moments as I walk through those doors.  And as I explain to the admitting nurse their story, it all just floods back to me.  Grief for them battles with the excitement for Simon.  And I haven't been admitted  yet.  How is it going to be when I am in a Labor and Delivery room, truly laboring my way towards delivery.  How I am going to handle it if we have to have a c-section?  I can already imagine the flashbacks I will have as they wheel me down the hall towards the O.R. 

 

I am working on finding peace with Simon's upcoming delivery.  I have peace with having a c-section if that is what is needed.  It's the emotional part that has me flustered.  And I fear that my anxiety and grief for my baby boys might overshadow the amazingness of the miracle of Simon's birth.  I've been praying for needed peace.  I have my favorite worship songs on my iPod.  What other ideas do some of you have who have been down this road?



36 Weeks (9 months)

No more than 4 weeks left until I am holding my baby boy in my arms!  What a wonderful thought!

 

Simon size:  18.5 inches 6 lbs or so

 

Weight gain: 30 lbs

 

Symptoms: Everything you can have at 36 weeks.  I feel like a definite 36 week pregnant woman.

 

How I feel:  Pretty good in general.  I am tired and sore, but not like I was at this point with Colton.

 

Cravings: Sweet stuff.  And KFC chicken and cole slaw.

 

Best Part of Last Week:  Where to begin...2 baby showers and NST

 

Looking forward to: Shopping with Dru this weekend!!!!!

 

Let's see here....

 

We had our baby shower on Saturday!  Loved it, loved it!  There is a post that will be separate all about it.  Way too much to write and keep you here.  But I have to say I am blessed with the most amazing friends and family! I cannot wait to tell Simon all about all the love!  Will quit here before I get carried away....I plan on posting about the shower in detail tomorrow!

 

Monday was Ethan's first day of Pre-K.  Another separate posts with pictures.  He was so excited to go back to school!!

 

Monday was my 36 weeks appointment.  Weekly appointments now.  It is so hard to believe we are at this point.  It seems surreal a lot of the time.  Simon is measuring back on track.  Silly boy really grows in spurts.  Dr. L. checked me since we've been having regular contractions for a couple of weeks now.  Much to every one's surprise I haven't begun to dilate yet.  Huh?  Guess he's in there for a bit longer.  When she asked about Simon moving, I mentioned he had been sluggish.  She asked if he was moving enough for me to be reassured and I answered with yes.  She left to get the paperwork and said she'd be right back.

 

I sat there and thought about it.  I felt like I really may not be reassured by his movements.  That this might be our chance if something is wrong to find it.  What if something was wrong, and I didn't speak up?  What if we lost him, and I could have known and didn't say anything. I would live with that forever.  And why in the world do I have to have these thoughts running through my head.  The doubt.  So when she came back in, I told her maybe I wasn't feeling so good about it all.  She said she understood, and that we'd get me hooked up.

 

She sent me down the hall to the NST room.  The nurse came in, laid me in super comfy recliner, and hooked me up.  We talked about why I was there.  When I explained about my heightened anxiety due to losing Lucas and Caleb, she said she completely understood.  Dr. L. came in after about 5 minutes to see how things were going.  I have to say I am so grateful for having the doctors and nurses I have.  They truly care about Simon and I, and they show it.  Simon passed the NST.  Dr. L. said we couldn't ask for a more perfect score! And I feel the best emotionally that I have felt in weeks.

 

On Tuesday, I was all set to stay home in pj pants and a tank top.  I was going to finish getting ready for Simon and enjoy a day at home.  Willy called and BEGGED me to have lunch with him.  I told him I really wanted to stay home.  After some coaxing, I gave in and headed over there.  The girls in his office threw a surprise baby shower for us! How very wonderful!  I was so surprised and excited.  They are really wonderful, and again, I just feel so blessed.  We had a great time, and they bought some wonderful gifts for Simon and I.  Not to mention HUGE chocolate bars for Colton and Ethan.

 

Well, here are some pictures from last week!



 

 

Kristan and Tina.  They threw the shower for us!  I truly love these two women.  A girl couldn't ask for better friends.  I could go on and on, but another post.  Remember?

 

 The shoes I wore!  I paid $1.50 for them in July and had to have them for the shower.  I love them, and others seemed to enjoy taking pictures of them.

36 weeks belly shot.  

The corner above the changing table.  Love how it came together.

Simon's bag is packed.  Notice the pair of shoes peeking out.  hehe

36 weeks with Simon

 

36 weeks with Colton

36 weeks with Ethan

 

24 weeks with Lucas and Caleb.  I miss them, but know they are ever so close as Simon's arrival draws nearer.

Have a great week! I will post about the shower soon, I promise!!

35 Weeks (+2 days)

 

35 Weeks!  Wow, almost completely full term.  It's been 30 weeks since we found out we were expecting Baby #5.

 

Baby Size: 18.5 inches and 5.25 lbs.  Give or take

 

Weight Gain: 28 lbs.  (no weight gain between appointments this time)

 

Symptoms: Heartburn and reflux in the evenings.  The back pain is starting to set in some.  Along with the definite cervical pain from Simon's head pushing against it.  Even though he has dropped, I still have moments when I am very short of breath.  NESTING!!!!!  And Braxton Hicks contractions nightly.

 

Cravings: The most amazing chocolate that seems to only be found in Branson.  I am also craving orange crush soda.

 

How I feel: Pretty good for the most part.  Slightly in a panic at times with how close he really is.

 

Best Part of last week:  Hard to choose.  It' been a really good week. Simon is active.  Love it!!

 

Looking forward to: My baby shower on Saturday!!!

 

 

My 35 week appointment was on Monday.  I am still measuring two weeks behind, but she feels all is fine.  Simon is likely going to be a small baby.  They did the GBS swab (never fun), and she said she wanted to wait until next week to check me.  With my nightly contractions, she didn't want to encourage anything quite yet.  I had a lot of questions this time, since I tend to forget them at the other appointments.  Dr. L. was very patient with them and me.  She tried to reassure me the main concern that I should have right  now is that I go into labor on my own.  Everything else seems to be going as it should. 

 

I have been a nesting fool this week.  My house feels like it has transformed, and is getting ready for baby.  I am enjoying the nesting and the productivity. But, there truly isn't an evening that goes by, when I am resting, when the though, "Am I doing all this for nothing?" crosses my mind.  In the moment it all needs to be done.  But when things quiet down those thoughts creep in.  I've had to undo it all before, I really don't want to again.  Most the time I feel very confident Simon will arrive alive and healthy.  There are times, though, when I feel like I am just being oer-confident about it, that we just don't know.

 

I finally cut the tags off a few outfits this week.  They needed to be washed and packed.  I called a friend while doing it, so I could be distracted from what I was doing.  I remember with the other three pregnancies, I loved cutting off the tags.  Now it's a dreaded chore that I really want to put off until I know Simon will be wearing these clothes.  I hate this reality.

 

My baby shower is this weekend.  I am soooo excited for it to finally be here.  I am excited to know that we are two days away from making it to the shower.  Another milestone for us.  It also brings with it some anxiety.  I still have two more days for something to go wrong.  But we will be surrounded by friends and family on that day.  We will be celebrating Baby Simon, and really all we have been through the past two years.  These friends were by my side when Lucas and Caleb were born, they celebrated their lives with us a week later.  And they have prayed for Simon continuously throughout his life.  It's going to be a great day!!

 

I want to congratulate Dana and Ted on the birth of their beautiful rainbow, Emily.  After 5 losses, they finally got to bring home their beautiful baby girl.  She gives them hope, me hope, and so many other moms out there who have lost babies hope.  She is absolutely gorgeous and perfect.  Hearing her cry the other day really brought happy tears to my eyes. 



 

 

35 weeks belly.  Simon has dropped, though I think he just uses the extra room.

Whoot!  I love Scentsy! I love working for such an amazing company.  I found it perfect that they released this warmer in August, just in time for Simon.

Simon's bag is packed.

The dragonfly mirrors that hang from Simon's light.  Just noticed a light bulb is out.

The book Ethan picked out for Simon yesterday.  He said he will give it to him in the hospital when he is born.  I cried.

A video of Mr. Simon moving.  Pretty sure he was also cheering for the RAMS!  And he had the hiccups.