First Day Jitters

The first MOPS meeting of the year was this morning. I love MOPS. I've been a part of the same group off and on for six years now. These women are amazing, and I've made some of my greatest friends through this group. I met my phenomenal friend Kristan, who introduced me to Life Fellowship,  through MOPS. And these women helped pull me through some of the darkest moments of grief. They were at the hospital, with food for my entire family and prayers for us when Caleb was fighting for his life. They brought meal to us and were at Lucas and Caleb's service.  God placed these women in my life, and I am forever grateful. Even though some of my friends that were part of MOPS the first couple of years have graduated, I still hold them so very close to my heart.

All that being said, I always feel anxious that first meeting. There are always new moms there. And there are always get to know each other games and conversations. These are women I don't know, but will get to know better. And how do you introduce yourself and the number of kids without making them feel awkward?  I go over in my head for a few weeks beforehand trying to figure out what I'll say every.single.year.  And I always show up clueless about what I'm going to say.

This year has been no different. I figure the right words will come to me as they are needed. We started with a bingo game this year. The first box was to find a mom who has twins. My first thought was, "Crap." Then I chose to shrug it off and concentrate on the other squares. I was so proud of myself for not dwelling on it like I would have in the past. It didn't even really sting much. Just kind of tapped on my heart, I guess.

Then we were handed our name tags at the table. The hospitality team made them for us. Here is mine.

 

There are six hearts.  One for each of my children.  To have someone so kind as to include Lucas and Caleb , well there were tears.  My heart swelled with love.  And it made it easier to answer questions, such as, "How many kids do you have?" Though I didn't mention today that two of them aren't home with me, I never felt the lump in my throat.  No one really asked how many, they saw the hearts and asked if Benjamin is number six or seven.  Thank you, Stephanie and Sara for your amazing kindness and thoughtfulness. 

 

I left today feeling loved.  Not confused, frustrated, or guilty because I didn't answer the way I felt I should, or my answers made someone feel awkward.  

Today's Grief

Wow, I was blown away today by som incredible grief.  The kind of pain that hits hard from out of nowhere and keeps hitting hard.  Yesterday was a really good day, and I had no idea that today would hit the way it did.  Somehow, Ethan picked up on it before me.  This is the first time he's been aware in the same way Colton is.

Today was the kids Christmas party for MOPS.  Usually this is a fun time where the kids do crafts, have a paper snowball fight, received gifts, and decorate cupcakes for Jesus.  This morning as I was getting ready to leave, the reality of it hit me.  I won't have ANY kids in there.  Colton and Ethan are in school.  Lucas and Caleb aren't here with me.  I should have two toddlers, dressed in matching flannel pajamas, trying to eat more icing than is going on the cupcake.  Yet, I was going to be there, without any kiddos to chase.  It was like hitting a wall of ice.  Hard, cold truth right there. 

With those thoughts, I began the downward spiral into the grief abyss.  The past day or so, I read or heard grief being a life sentence.  These words resonated throughout my head all morning.  How unfair this all is.  Not only do I have to go through the worst emotional pain there is, but it will always be there.  There will never be a Christmas when they aren't missing.  And although the pain is mostly under the surface, there will always be days when it rears its ugly head. There were tears, snot, blubbering, and even my first case of hives this morning.  Grief in all its ugliness.

I miss Lucas and Caleb so much right now.  The hole that is left is gaping and ragged on days like today.  Every thought tears through that hole and brings on more tears.  I am grateful for the friends who remind me how our loss is still recent, and I am grateful for their timeline.  They are friends who always know the right things to say to me, and whose presence, even on the phone, brings me further away from the black hole of grief.  I am so grateful for them.

Well, I am going to lie down and get some rest.  Grief leaves a pretty nasty hangover. 

The Week in Review

Wow! I am so glad Tuesday is gone in the past and that the days have gradually become easier. It's been a pretty busy week, so here's the catch-up. Also if you haven't read the details about the give-a-way, check them out here. I encourage everyone to enter as I have three (or maybe more) pieces of jewelry to give away.

On Monday my good friend, Maritza, and her daughter, Sofi, came by to visit for the afternoon. It's been over a year since we've seen them and it was so nice to spend some time together. Maritza and I have remained close even though there is hundreds of miles between us. I often wish they were still here, but at least we can talk on the phone.

Colton was showing Sofi all of his Transformers and how they go together and pop apart.

Tuesday, well we know how Tuesday was. The Hart boys did come over in the afternoon for some pool and bike fun. Plus a picnic outside for dinner. This summer will be full of afternoons like that!

On Wednesday my grandma rolled through town on her way to Branson. Her and Bob decided to spend a few days down there before she went home to start chemo. They wanted to see some shows, and she wanted to do some shopping.

They stopped here so we could have lunch at Lambert's. We LOVE to eat there, but don't very often due to the crowds and the possibility of walking out of there 10 pounds heavier. I felt a little anxious going back. We hadn't eaten there since Willy's 30th birthday, when I was pregnant with Lucas and Caleb. Here's the post where I talked about the crazy amount of food I put down.

Grandma and Colton playing tic-tac-toe. He has some serious skill with this game already.

Grandma, Colton, Ethan, and I. I really wanted a picture of us together. I love her so much and pray daily that chemo will go well. We had a really good visit, but it wasn't nearly long enough.

On Thursday, Ethan and I did some shopping after dropping Colton at school and then heading to the gym. Shopping was okay, but this certain lady at Michaels was cranky and she kind of put a damper on my mood. But then we spent some time at the Hart's before picking up Colton and that seemed to help a little.

And today was our MOPS spa day and our last meeting for the school year. I am so sad to see so many moms go, including our coordinator, Sarah. It's been a good year, and I know we'll get together a lot over the summer. I also had some anxiety about today, since it was this meeting last year that was the last I went to with Lucas and Caleb. But I held up surprisingly well.

Kristan and I enjoying some chocolate covered goodness.

All-in-all I am happy with how well I am holding up. I really thought I would be having a tougher time of it. And maybe that's why I'm not. I know I still have some really tough days ahead of me. But some of the projects I am working on this month have really helped me to see through the clouds a little, mostly.

Thank you to everyone keeping me/us in your prayers and thoughts as we approach Lucas and Caleb's birthday. I know everyone of your efforts help me get through each day.

A Fun Saturday

I am so happy yesterday is over! I cried more yesterday than I had in months. It was exhausting, the grief really overwhelming. A friend couldn't look at me without the tears pouring out. After church, the boys and I came home and changed back into our pajamas. After lunch we took a nap, and Willy made chili for dinner. My mood was improved after a 2+ hour nap, and I was grateful.

Saturday, however was a great day. We had our end of the year MOPS picnic. The weather started out marvelous, but by the time we got to the park, the clouds were rolling in and it was getting a little chilly. We still had a great time, though.

Colton talked about this new trick he wants to try out. I am grateful he has yet to learn how to pull himself up on to the top of the monkey bars. Though I am sure it won't be long.

Lots of kids and parents playing.

Ethan and the two girls that adopted him for the afternoon. These girls followed him around, pushed him on the swings, and played with him. He was soaking the attention up. They kept saying how adorable and sweet he is. I just hope this isn't a glimpse into the future.

Willy showing off skill. Also, Ethan and his girlfriends in the background.

Violet, James, and Harrison blowing bubbles. Bubbles are always the hit of any get together, and for all ages.

The boys and Violet eating.

After the picnic, I picked up Aunt Jamie and we headed to Strafford for some scrapbooking fun. I truly love all these women. We have so much fun together. I haven't been up there since January, and I've missed it.

After scrapbooking, we decided to head back to Jamie's house for some big girl drinks and a movie. We also caught a fireworks display on the way there.

I think the store was filming their new products to show videos in the store. It was pretty, and a bonus for our evening. There is also a video below.

Oh and I can't forget to add that the lady that carded me at Brown Derby Saturday night said, "You don't look close to this age." How's that for an ego boost? YAY!!!

The Knot

Last night I was at one of our MOPS mentor's home for a Christmas Card Addressing Party. Most of us didn't address any, though. We really had a great time just visiting and getting to know each other better. And I have to mention all the wonderful treats and Jill's fabulous spiced tea.

We decided we would try out the human knot activity we might be doing during a future meeting. 10 of stood in a circle and took hands, and the fun began. As we were trying to untangle ourselves, I couldn't help but think how much grief is like a human knot.

In the beginning, your emotions are tangled and you feel lost as to the next step. You're in the middle of a huge mess. And just like how you can't let go of your partners' hands in the knot, you can't let go of anyone or anything close and dear to you. You hold them tight.

And as your friends and family surround you, you start to untangle a bit. One slow step at a time. At first the steps seem calculated, you're not sure if it is the right step or not. Should I get out of bed? Should I take a shower? Should I attempt leaving the house? And if you take the wrong step, you go back and start over. There were many mornings when I went back to bed because I wasn't quite ready to face the day.

After awhile, you start to get the hang of things. You know which way to go more often and you feel more confident in every day decisions. And you don't feel so tangled up in the grief. You can see through the mess that things are straightening out some. Your path begins to get clearer with every step you take.

Eventually you reach your new normal. And you still have your friends and family surrounding you, supporting you. Together all of you made it through this mess. You couldn't have done it by yourself. The grieving process is very much a group project. Sometimes you can be in charge and at other times, someone else takes the lead for awhile.

In the end you find some peacefulness and some freedom. But there is no way I would have arrived at the point alone.

This was taken on the way home. The fog under the lights was just beautiful.

Bits and Pieces

Here's some bits and pieces of thoughts I've had this week. It all may seem a little random and choppy, but I really wanted to share it all and thought I would just get it done in one post. Tomorrow (the 17th) is the due date for Lucas and Caleb. It is written very big on the calendar that used to hang on our wall. I honestly did not think this week would be a hard one. Or at least anywhere near as hard as what it has been. We were never going to make it to 40 weeks. But the pain this week and all the tears are pretty similar to the week the boys were born and then gone.

I truly hate that we have all had to go through this. I know many of you are fellow BLMs who have lost their baby(ies). And many others are friends and family who have lost beside us. Grandparents that lost two of their grandsons, aunts and uncles who have lost two of their nephews, and friends who have lost the opportunity to meet and enjoy two more of our sons. The journey of being pregnant with twins was supposed to be a good one. There was supposed to be good times with some tough spots. But there wasn't supposed to be death, there wasn't supposed to be tears of udders sadness. I was supposed to bring home two smiling little boys in their car seats, not two white boxes with their ashes.

I have kept myself very busy over the summer, trying to push through all this. Colton and Ethan have really enjoyed doing and experiencing a lot. And every time we would head out to go somewhere for the day or days, I would think back to two days before my water broke. I was talking to Willy (more like crying) about how I hated that Colton and Ethan would probably miss out on many summer activities because there was just no way I would be able to do it all. I then said that I wouldn't change it for the world, but that it just made me sad. There has been alot of personal guilt from that conversation. I know it had nothing to do with this outcome, but it's still there.

I was looking at pictures earlier, trying to get some together for a memorial video. I came across one of the only ones of Willy and I together during the hospital stay. I was holding Caleb right after they had removed his breathing tube. Willy is sitting next to, looking at us with a single finger on my arm. This picture says it all. I know he wanted to take all the pain away. I know he wanted nothing more than for our babies to be healthy. And I know he felt helpless. My husband is such an amazing man. He is so strong and sensitive. He is always there and always knows the right thing to do, even if I don't agree at the time. I love him so much. And I hate that he didn't get to know Lucas and Caleb the same way I did. I hate that so many visions of the future of our four boys running around wild will never come true. And I hate that he has to learn how to live with his new wife. Not the one he went to the hospital with, but the one he left with. The one that is unpredictable at certain times. One who cries more. And one who isn't fully whole and definitely not carefree. I know we have an amazing marriage and that we will survive this. But I am sorry just the same.

I have a project starting up soon for October 15th. It is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day and feel I really need to do something. I will put up more details next week sometime when it is all nailed down. This is helping me some in giving me a little more purpose. Also, I want the world to know how amazing my MOPS family is. They managed to pass around a card last week at the meeting to share their love and prayers with me this week. I received the card yesterday and after crying for 20 minutes or so, I have felt lighter. Thank you, ladies for doing all you have for me and my family.

I touched earlier in the post how I am doing really bad. I honestly cried all the way to a consignment sale yesterday and continued to cry while standing in line. I saw two sets of twin boys being pushed by and heard the announcement of a baby girl behind me. A lady was on the phone just finding out. And the last time I was at this sale was right before we found out the twins were boys. Mon, Tues, and Wed were all like this. I cried in the car, in stores, and of course at home.

But today shows a little more promise and I KNOW the weekend will be a good one.

September Funk

So before anyone goes off about the wonderful people that have birthdays this month or their anniversary's that are this month (mine is on the 30th.) I just want to say I truly could go to sleep and wake up in October. And I know that I am not the only one. So many of my friends (including many of you) are really in a funk this month. We just can't seem to get ahead, let alone caught up. I truly thought after a very emotional morning this morning I was working on it...but nope, here I am typing and crying big ol' elephant tears. The pain is still raw and it just won't let go of me. I have begged it to leave. I have apologized to the happiness for missing the tears. Please, please just go away now. I have spent all week crying multiple times a day.

Today was the first official meeting for our MOPS group for the school year. I am on Hospitality so I've been crazy busy this week getting everything together with Kristan and Kim to be ready for today. It's been busy and a little overwhelming. I thought my roller coaster emotions this week were due to the build up of today, along with magnified PMS.

I really had a good morning. Even though I cried a lot of tears and I know many others who cried some with me. Every year they recognize the babies that were born over the summer. This year, unfortunately they had to recognize the angels. It was hard, somehow hearing their names being mentioned in this category to women who knew and some who didn't made this all a little more final, I guess. I am so grateful they were mentioned. It just hurts a little extra right now.

I also want to thank to the special women who really stood out to me today. I don't know if they want their names out there, but they know who they are. Thank you for approaching me, thinking of me, and supporting me. So many of you are just amazing and I know it was God's directing for me to find this specific MOPS group out of the 20+ in Springfield. I just don't know where I'd be today if I didn't have each and every one of them.

All in all, this month is really sucking it up right now. And I know that I am not the only one feeling this way. I am sure it probably has a lot to do with the changing of the seasons and all that. But I really thought I was getting it together. I'd expect a rough day here and there, but I've had FIVE in a row. Seriously? Is this how it's going to work? I find the song below, "Wake Me When September Ends" to be so very fitting.

I miss my babies so much right now it hurts.

More Steps Taken

Yesterday was our MOPS kick-off party. We have it every year to sign up new members and reconnect with everyone before our meetings start up again. It is so much fun and the kids really have a good time. This year, though, I knew it was going to be a hard one.

Last year was my first year for MOPS. I came to the kick-off party knowing no one. I was sitting at a table watching Colton and Ethan play when two moms came up and sat on either side of me. They introduced themselves as Amy and Alicia and said they had 4 year old twins. Amy boy-girl and Alicia boy-boy. Now, Willy and I were just TTC and my grandma and his mom had already said it would be twins this time around. I laughed it off quite a bit, and then I meet these two wonderful women. I thought to myself, how funny, maybe it might be twins. We talked some and I got to know them some. And then Willy and I conceived Lucas and Caleb 4 months later.

Watching Amy walk in yesterday to the kick-off brought all this rushing back. The tears came fast and hard. It was only a year ago that I met them and I thought our chances of having twins were slim. And yet it was meant to be, kind of. I am so grateful for these two moms. They helped me so much when I was overwhelmed with the idea of two babies at once. And they have been there as I have mourned their loss.

I also cried for what I didn't have yesterday. I wasn't pushing a double stroller with newborn twin boys in it. I wasn't trying to juggle nursing them while visiting with my friends. I wasn't talking about how exhausted I was having two newborns at home and up half the night. And I didn't really know my place with all the new moms who have no idea why some lady is balling her eyes out. Especially the new mom who came in with the most adorable toddler twin girls. But at least they were girls.

But, drum roll, please......
I held a baby boy yesterday. Sarah H. came up with her 4 month old son, Brody. I looked at him and knew I needed to hold him, this particular baby. Then I warned her I would probably start crying. And to my surprise, it didn't hurt that much. The pain that I expected wasn't there. Yes, I did cry a few, but they were of happiness. And thank you Kristan, for shedding a few tears with me. A truly great friend is one who feels your pain as you are travelling this journey and isn't afraid to cry with you anywhere. You help me so much!! And thank you Sarah for letting me hold Brody. I know you may have been a little shocked with how forward I was with it. Thank you for being so understanding.

I know this MOPS year will be lots of fun. I am part of the steering team and am really looking forward to it all. I also know there will be some hard moments as I talk to moms who don't know our story and others who I really haven't shared much with over the summer. I will always remember all the conversations we had last spring as we learned we were expecting twins, then identical boys. The ladies who were so excited for us and ready to bring us meals after they were born, not after they died. And all the conversations about how big I was getting and how different a twin pregnancy was from a singleton. I think only time will soften these memories. But at least I will be surrounded by lots of women who love and care for me. Who are there tears or not. And who are now open to me about the stories of their losses.