More Steps Taken

Yesterday was our MOPS kick-off party. We have it every year to sign up new members and reconnect with everyone before our meetings start up again. It is so much fun and the kids really have a good time. This year, though, I knew it was going to be a hard one.

Last year was my first year for MOPS. I came to the kick-off party knowing no one. I was sitting at a table watching Colton and Ethan play when two moms came up and sat on either side of me. They introduced themselves as Amy and Alicia and said they had 4 year old twins. Amy boy-girl and Alicia boy-boy. Now, Willy and I were just TTC and my grandma and his mom had already said it would be twins this time around. I laughed it off quite a bit, and then I meet these two wonderful women. I thought to myself, how funny, maybe it might be twins. We talked some and I got to know them some. And then Willy and I conceived Lucas and Caleb 4 months later.

Watching Amy walk in yesterday to the kick-off brought all this rushing back. The tears came fast and hard. It was only a year ago that I met them and I thought our chances of having twins were slim. And yet it was meant to be, kind of. I am so grateful for these two moms. They helped me so much when I was overwhelmed with the idea of two babies at once. And they have been there as I have mourned their loss.

I also cried for what I didn't have yesterday. I wasn't pushing a double stroller with newborn twin boys in it. I wasn't trying to juggle nursing them while visiting with my friends. I wasn't talking about how exhausted I was having two newborns at home and up half the night. And I didn't really know my place with all the new moms who have no idea why some lady is balling her eyes out. Especially the new mom who came in with the most adorable toddler twin girls. But at least they were girls.

But, drum roll, please......
I held a baby boy yesterday. Sarah H. came up with her 4 month old son, Brody. I looked at him and knew I needed to hold him, this particular baby. Then I warned her I would probably start crying. And to my surprise, it didn't hurt that much. The pain that I expected wasn't there. Yes, I did cry a few, but they were of happiness. And thank you Kristan, for shedding a few tears with me. A truly great friend is one who feels your pain as you are travelling this journey and isn't afraid to cry with you anywhere. You help me so much!! And thank you Sarah for letting me hold Brody. I know you may have been a little shocked with how forward I was with it. Thank you for being so understanding.

I know this MOPS year will be lots of fun. I am part of the steering team and am really looking forward to it all. I also know there will be some hard moments as I talk to moms who don't know our story and others who I really haven't shared much with over the summer. I will always remember all the conversations we had last spring as we learned we were expecting twins, then identical boys. The ladies who were so excited for us and ready to bring us meals after they were born, not after they died. And all the conversations about how big I was getting and how different a twin pregnancy was from a singleton. I think only time will soften these memories. But at least I will be surrounded by lots of women who love and care for me. Who are there tears or not. And who are now open to me about the stories of their losses.