Three Month Letter to My Angels

Dear Lucas and Caleb,

Today marks three months since we have said hello and good-bye. I can't believe it. Some days it hurts like it was yesterday. And others I feel so distant from it all. I thought I would tell you about what we have done the past three months. I know you've been watching and that you would want us to have some fun. We have, although we've also cried many, many tears. We miss you so much, babies. And we miss everything you would have become.
Here is your shelf on the china hutch. We still haven't ordered your urn yet. I am so sorry. Not really sure what the hold up is. Maybe it's still a little too final for us. Your footprints were taken at the hospital in these molds. I run my fingers over them often. The two of you had perfect little feet. The painting in the back is from your Aunt Brandy and Uncle Steve. They did such a wonderful job. And the box in the middle with the two boys is from Alicia. She has 5 year old twin boys and bought this for us. It holds to roses that were part of all the flowers we received.

This is the last belly pic taken. When I took it, everything was okay. You can see how tight the contraction monitor was at times. Both of you kicked at it often and we had to move it all the time. I really wish we would have taken more pictures and videos while in the hospital. But we were optimistic and thought we has so much more time.

This is one of two pictures I have of holding both of you. I dreamed of this day for so long...only I should have been able to dream of it for longer. Lucas, you were already gone and we were losing Caleb. But I will never forget what it felt like to hold the both of you together.

Caleb, here is the best picture we have of you without all the tubes and wires. There's a little grin on your face. It is the only movement from you that I got to see. And I know you smiled just for me and your daddy.

Lucas, you look so peaceful here. They had you wrapped in so many blankets in your little bassinet. I held you all night that night. And everyone that walked in was told they could hold you. I was so proud of you and that you were my son. And I just couldn't believe you were gone before I ever had the chance to see you smile, hear your cry, or look in your beautiful eyes.

On June 7, we held a service for you at our church. Over 100 of our friends and family and co-workers came down to remember you. Your Daddy designed this program for everyone to have and save. He did such an amazing job. He loves the two of you so much. And he lets me in to see his sadness once in awhile. But more often than that, he shows me how he thinks of you and misses you. The two of you would have learned so much from him.

These are only some of the beautiful flowers and cards we received. Your memory boxes are also shown. These tables were set up in the living room for weeks.

On to some good times we have had. Here are some pictures from the waterpark in Strafford. We went with the Harts one Sunday afternoon. It was so much fun. I thought of you so much. But I think it was honestly the first time since you were born that I honestly had a good time.

We took Colton and Ethan to feed the ducks about 3 weeks after you were born. It is one of the many things I wouldn't have been able to do this summer. They really enjoyed it, though.

We went to Michelle's wedding. I definitely had a lot of anxiety on this day. She called and asked me to be a bridesmaid back in January. I told her yes, although I would be pretty huge pregnant. A few weeks later we learned I was pregnant with both of you and I had to back out. And then you were born too early and I was able to make it. I am glad I was there, but I was also sad to be able to be there. She came down for your service, babies. She is such a great friend.

We went to Six Flags the same weekend of the wedding. We had so much fun! And it seemed that everywhere I looked I found identical twins. Double strollers with infants EVERYWHERE! But I sucked it up, sent you love and enjoyed the time with Colton, Ethan, and Willy.

Daddy holding Colton in the sharks mouth. That boy is completely fearless!

Ethan and I on the log flume! He is my buddy!

We spent tons of time with James and Thomas. You know their brother, John. The Hart family has done so much for us down here. I honestly don't know how we would have made it without them. Colton and Ethan play with James and Thomas all the time. And they all play well together, which makes it that much more fun!

Your brothers and I took a spontaneous trip to Columbia to visit Great Grandma Hughes in July. There is this extremely large park up there. We had so much fun, but I missed you so much this trip.

Then you sent me the dragonflies and I could breathe a little better. Thank you, boys

A few weeks ago, we met Daddy at the park near his work for a picnic. It was the first not sweltering day in weeks. We had a lot of fun!

We then went camping the weekend of my birthday. My birthday was likely going to be yours. Would have been pretty cool! 36 weeks marked full term for the two of you. The week was really hard leading up to this Friday, but the day was a good one. I celebrated the fact that we had you for 24 weeks and 3-4 days.

We took Colton and Ethan floating down the river. They loved it. And we learned that Daddy doesn't float well on an inner tube.

And I love the dragonfly you sent while I was floating on the river. It brought so much peace to me. Thank you so much, babies!

Then on that Sunday we went to Grandma and Grandpa's and caught toads. The two of you would have learned so much from Colton and Ethan on how to be true boys. I think I really found my true normal this weekend.

Here we are at the STL zoo! We visit here 3 or 4 times a year. Grandpa Tim goes with us frequently. We always visit the penguins first. I can only imagine the fun of chasing four boys through the zoo. I thought of the two of you a lot during this trip.

Here's Colton working hard to resist petting the penguin that is swimming by. I might have to sneak one home one day. hehe

These two sleeping monkeys almost brought on the tears! I wasn't going to take a pictures, but Grandpa Tim insisted. And I am pretty sure he had the right intention. Thank you, Dad. This picture will probably get printed and put in your memory book.

And we HAD to go through the butterfly house. I took tons of pictures of butterflies. A different butterfly for each baby of my BLM friends. I hope to get all the pictures done this week and sent to them.

And here is me in my reunion outfit. Luckily the date wasn't set until after you were born, so I didn't have the "I shouldn't be able to go." anxiety. I just knew that I would be around a lot of people that night. Some who knew we lost you and others who didn't. I was nervous about the questions that I hate answering. "How many kids do you have?" "What are their ages." and so forth. I love this outfit and that I could fit into it. I bought the shirt when shopping with Bettie. I only seem to buy peach when I am with her.

Here's mommy after a few glasses of wine. Michelle is in the brown shirt and Ashley in the dress. I don't think I would have stayed long if Michelle wouldn't had come. Thank you, Michelle for being my safety net for the night. I had a blast!

I honestly don't remember what we are laughing about, but I am sure this is what we looked like most the night.

A great shot of Michelle and I. It took several attempts to get one this good. But we were having so much fun. And I know Craig and your Daddy had a really good time watching us.

And this is when we decided it may not be a good idea to roll down the hill. It took some convincing, though. Then I fell and was on the ground anyway. And your Daddy was 15 feet away taking pictures of me instead of helping me up.

Then we came home for Colton's first day of Pre-Kindergarten. He was so excited. I really missed you today. I missed the way I had pictured today. I should have been pushing your double stroller, struggling to manuever it into the elevator, and juggling three kids after dropping Colton off, not one. I think this might be one of the last days for a while that I have this feeling of loss dreams. I know it's not the last, but it should be a few weeks, hopefully.

Lucas and Caleb, I have met some amazing women through this journey. I hate that I now know that babies do die and for so many reasons. I know you have lots of playmates up there in Heaven. Please hug Jacob today as it's his 3 month angelversary also. And he has just been joined by his brother or sister. And Emmett and Everette who just recently joined you. I can only imagine the trouble the four of you could get into, but the fun you will have doing it. I am so grateful to the BabyLoss community I have found down here. These women are so strong and wonderful.

The past three month have been the hardest months of our lives. Your Daddy and I were so excited to watch you grown and learn. We often feel so robbed of all of it. But we try to remember that we will see you one day. Colton talks about the two of you almost everyday. He is such a rockstar big brother. And I hate that him and Ethan have to also go through all this. But they play with your monkeys and even sleep with them once in awhile.

I have felt all the emotions throughout all this:

The extreme anger that I finally released. This poor box never had a chance. I am just grateful I wasn' t home when they brought it. The mailman probably would never come back.

Of course, there are all the tears I have cried. Very few days have gone by when there haven't been tears of some sort. But it is getting easier, I promise.

I've also had some good times. I know that you don't want me to always be sad, so some days I happy just for the two of you.

And of course I make sure to truly enjoy and appreciate your brothers. I am so grateful to be blessed with them. They are the reason I get out of bed some mornings.

Well, babies, this has been a long letter. We've done a lot these past three months. I've tried to keep us busy as to help the healing process some. And it has helped. Hopefully next month I'll be sharing the good news of our selling our house. And I will compile all the memorial pictures we have for the two of you from all the moms in my new community.

We love you so much and miss you so much. I truly hate that we don't get to watch you grow up. And that although we are still the parents to twin boys, we won't have all the experiences that comes with being the parents of twin boys.

With all our hearts,

Mommy and Daddy

Colton and Ethan