Dreaming and Waking and Thinking and Crying

I had the scariest dream this morning.  It was so incredibly real, I woke up cold all over and in tears. 

~~ We were swimming at a pool and Simon was running from me.  I took off to catch him from the other direction and he didn't meet me.  He didn't meet me.  My heart started to race. I started to scream.  I was looking down at the water, not up.  I knew he fell in.  I saw him from across the pool at the bottom and I dove in screaming.  By the time I got to him,  a lifeguard was pulling him out.  But he wasn't doing CPR.  He was staring at him, shaking his cheeks.  Every few seconds Simon would almost draw a breath, then his head would fall to the side.  His eyes seemed to be screaming for help.  I was screaming at the lifeguard.~~

I woke up.

And cried.  

It took me some time to calm down and warm up enough to wake Willy for some support. I heard Simon talk in his sleep.  I went up to kiss him and came back to bed. I felt angry at this lifeguard, not understanding why he wasn't doing more to save my little boy.  Then I began to think of all the things we need to do to protect him.  He's full on two now.  He knows what he wants and is incredibly stubborn and determined to figure out a way to get it.  I can't keep him off the top bunk of the big boys' beds, doorknobs are no longer a deterrent for him.  And there's the pools and parks this spring and summer.  

Then I began to really think about the worst of it.  I don't want to, but I can imagine the pain of him not being here.  I can go there too quickly, and this time of year, it doesn't take a whole lot.  Losing Lucas and Caleb, my mind takes off to that awful place on its own. And then the floodgates open.  Thoughts, memories, tears, all take on a life of their own.  I have to hold on tight at the moment to the sound of Benjamin's monitor ticking, and the knowledge that Simon is in his bed, I just kissed his head, and he is safe right now.  And the sound of Colton and Ethan "walking" down the stairs.  

I've been spending more time in prayer lately.  This time of year usually brings me closer to God.  This morning was no different.  I feel His comfort and strength as I move through the day. I was able to get out of bed and go about normal snow day business.  And the boys have been able to move through their day without picking up on my pain.  The big boys know this time of year.  That's another post for another day.  How much I hate that they have to walk this also.

First Day Jitters

The first MOPS meeting of the year was this morning. I love MOPS. I've been a part of the same group off and on for six years now. These women are amazing, and I've made some of my greatest friends through this group. I met my phenomenal friend Kristan, who introduced me to Life Fellowship,  through MOPS. And these women helped pull me through some of the darkest moments of grief. They were at the hospital, with food for my entire family and prayers for us when Caleb was fighting for his life. They brought meal to us and were at Lucas and Caleb's service.  God placed these women in my life, and I am forever grateful. Even though some of my friends that were part of MOPS the first couple of years have graduated, I still hold them so very close to my heart.

All that being said, I always feel anxious that first meeting. There are always new moms there. And there are always get to know each other games and conversations. These are women I don't know, but will get to know better. And how do you introduce yourself and the number of kids without making them feel awkward?  I go over in my head for a few weeks beforehand trying to figure out what I'll say every.single.year.  And I always show up clueless about what I'm going to say.

This year has been no different. I figure the right words will come to me as they are needed. We started with a bingo game this year. The first box was to find a mom who has twins. My first thought was, "Crap." Then I chose to shrug it off and concentrate on the other squares. I was so proud of myself for not dwelling on it like I would have in the past. It didn't even really sting much. Just kind of tapped on my heart, I guess.

Then we were handed our name tags at the table. The hospitality team made them for us. Here is mine.

 

There are six hearts.  One for each of my children.  To have someone so kind as to include Lucas and Caleb , well there were tears.  My heart swelled with love.  And it made it easier to answer questions, such as, "How many kids do you have?" Though I didn't mention today that two of them aren't home with me, I never felt the lump in my throat.  No one really asked how many, they saw the hearts and asked if Benjamin is number six or seven.  Thank you, Stephanie and Sara for your amazing kindness and thoughtfulness. 

 

I left today feeling loved.  Not confused, frustrated, or guilty because I didn't answer the way I felt I should, or my answers made someone feel awkward.  

One Beautiful Heartbeat

 

There's Lil' Turkey.  You can see her/his heart lighting up.  Love love love this little baby.  I am breathing the easiest I have since the positive result on the pregnancy test. Just seeing Turkey and a beating heart renews my hope.

 

I know I've said it before, but it's tough being pregnant after a loss.  I was a nervous wreck this morning.  I knew that once we went in that room there was no turning back.  Up until that moment, I assumed things were okay due to my symptoms being strong and my pants getting smaller.  But once we saw or didn't see a heartbeat, that was that.   And it took a few minutes for me to find Lil' Turkey's heartbeat.  I was trying not to panic as I scanned the screen for that little flicker that means so much.  What a sigh of relief when I saw.  I held back tears of joy, knowing that so far things are looking good.

 

As far as how I'm doing physically, well I still claim this is the toughest first trimester yet.  The nausea is hit and miss throughout the day.  I think I am figuring out how to control the amount of energy I have, and how I best use it.  My good friend, heartburn, arrived a couple nights ago.  My pants don't fit without the belly band, or I just wear maternity pants.  And the foil taste in my mouth is still sticking around.  But every ill feeling I have just reminds me that baby is growing and healthy.  I try to be grateful for it all.

 

The appointment went well today.  Heartbeat 174.  Measuring 9 weeks 3 days, right on with my calculated due date of November 17th.  One inch exactly.  Lil' Turkey was sleeping for the ultrasound, so didn't get to see baby move, but I really didn't need to as long as that heart was flickering.

First Day of School

Summer has come to an end, and we're settling into routine nicely.  Waking up at 6:00 or 6:30 is going to be a tough one for awhile, but we'll get it.  And we are 3 for 3 on arriving at school on time.

 Here are the three boys on their last summer morning hanging out. Only Ethan is dressed.

 

 

I woke up super early to make them their requested first day of school breakfast, cowboy coffee cake.  Boy, it was early, as in the sun wasn't up yet.  But I was able to spend the time alone praying for the boys and coming to terms with my emotions.  Cause let's be honest, this momma's heart was not ready to let Ethan go.  In some ways, he is still my baby boy.  His "space" amongst the siblings has been complicated.  He was the baby, then we were preparing him for being a big brother, and then he was the baby again, with the extra attention that came with my very shattered heart.  Then along comes Simon, who is the baby of the family now, but Ethan still has a piece of that also.  Complicated, I know.  More about all that another day.

 

Anyway, Ethan woke up by himself.  He came down ready to go.

 Ethan with his backpack on and pajamas. 

 

 

We ate breakfast together, kind of rushing, finished getting ready, and were out the door by 7:20.  We thought we'd all walk together on the first day.  A time to spend together, and prepare for the day ahead.  But first I wanted to take their first day of school pictures.



 I am confident that his sign will still say Train Engineer his senior year.

 

Things were a little confusing this year.  With the additions to the school and such, even veteran parents were trying to figure things out.  We took Colton to class first. I barely got a hug from him.

 My big boy second grader....what has happened to the time??

 

Then we headed around the corner to Ethan's class, who weren't in the classroom yet. 

 This momma had to ask a couple of times for this picture.

 

 Trying to wait patiently. 

 

Ethan was sooo ready for this!  He even asked if he could walk in the school by himself.  He was pumped and ready to go.  We walked into the classroom, he gave his gift to Mrs. Toomey, then went to find his seat.  The. World. Stopped.   He did not, in any way, want to sit next to a girl.  It wasn't Catie.  There was no way he was sitting there.  He chose a seat right next to his chair at the computer. And he started to tear up.  He wanted to come home with me.  And snuggle.  I had to find Daddy for reinforcements on this one.  My heart pulled so much.

 Daddy reassuring Ethan that it'll all work out.

 

After a few minutes, Mrs. Bailey came over to sit with him.  We left and watched from the hall for a few minutes.  The soft sobs turned into a pout.  And I left, heavy hearted.  I worried all day about that boy.  Every time my phone rang, I just knew it was a teacher.  But no one called.

 

I was so excited to head back to pick up the boys.  I watched with all the other parents for them to walk out the door. I was excited and anxious to hear about their first day.

 

And this is how my Ethan greeted me.

 There are absolutely no words to describe the emotions I feel every time I see this picture.

 

 

Their day was great!

End of Summer

This has been a really fun summer.  We've spent very few days just hanging at home.  We've taken some day and weekend trips here and there, and have spent lots of time with friends.  Today is the very last day of summer vacation for the big boys, and it makes me sad.  I have enjoyed them so much this summer.  There have been times when I have been ready for school to start, but I think it's more I am ready for some routine. 

 

We had meet the teacher night last night.  I am grateful I have been involved with PTA in the past years, as I know the teachers all pretty well and all the boys seem to be comfortable in the school.  They've added on over the past two years and it is now a K-8 school.  Ethan has Mrs. Toomey, who is who Colton had.  She is so excited to have him in her class, and he is excited to be there!  It makes it easier on momma, also.  I'm having a hard time with him going to Kindergarten, I'm going to miss him so much.  And Colton has Mrs. Terry.  I don't know her as well yet, but she is very kind and really seems like a lot of fun.  I know her and Colton will get along great.  He is my people pleaser.  But it just doesn't seem like he's already a second grader.  I still remember him being so very little.  Time really does speed along.

 

I thought I would share some pictures from the summer today.  We didn't take tons, but more enjoyed the moments this year.  And there were many of them.  Having three running around my house sure livens things up!!

 

So here are a TON of picture, hang in there and enjoy.

 

 

 

 

 The boys gated off their toys from Simon.  This worked for one day.  The playroom is now Simon proof and the big boys have their toys with small pieces in their bedroom.

 

 Ethan told his daddy he wasn't tired.  I took this 10 minutes later. 

 

 We took the boys to 1984.  They had a blast, and so did mommy.

 

 Pretty sure Ethan played this game for half an hour.

 

 Look how big Simon is!!!

 

 In a smaller version, this looked like Colton.  I truly LOVE this picture!

(It is the first time I've ever seen much of a resemblance between E and C)

 

 Colton really believes he is 12 or so.  And loves to climb on top of every piece of playground equipment.

 

 Simon finding his way to the slide.

 

 Heart attack for grandma!  This has to be another of my favorites!  You can see Willy's shirt in the lower left corner.

 

 Our niece, Emily, came to spend the week with us.  We had a blast all week, and my house was even more full of life!  I enjoyed having a girl in the house. 

 

 Bounce house fun.

 Emily's first trip to a bounce place.  She thought it was the greatest thing in the world!

 

 Her and Snicker's were the best of friends.

 

 Simon has discovered toilet paper.  A couple of times now.  This was taken the first time.  Kid looks guilty.

 

Simon is loving every toy that rolls or has wheels now.  He spins in circles as he makes it go around him.

 

 My Three Amazing Boys!!!!!

 

 



 We take a family picture every year at the Fourth of July parade.

 

 Colton and Ethan hanging with the big boys.  Wow,  how they have grown!

 

 Colton climbing a pole. 

 

 Some of the crowd for the celebration.  We had so much fun.  And many of the scenes reminded me of the scene from The Sandlot.

 

 Love this grin!

 

 He crawled outside and thought he was pretty cool!

 

 His first time in the sand.  Wasn't too sure about it.

 

 These two are forever best friends.

 

Playing in the creek at the park.

 

 Water balloon fight with Daddy.

 

 

 

We have taken several trips to Silver Dollar City and a couple to White Water.  We don't even bring the camera half the time.  We've been to the park a ton, though the past couple of weeks, it has rained too much to go.  The boys have spent lots of time outside riding their bikes and swimming in the pool. 

 

I am sad to see summer go, and know I am going to miss the big boys so very much.  But the quiet will be nice at times, also.  It's just hard to believe that I will have two in school all day this year.  And it makes me so grateful for Simon.  He keeps me busy now that he is almost walking and exploring everything.

 



There is Still Pain.

I'm writing this in two parts.  Before and After.  A way to see what I expect and reality of what happens.

 

Today I am closing another chapter in grief.  It's been almost three years since I took down Lucas and Caleb's room and packed it away.  I remember everything just being thrown in their room before I came home from the hospital and a black sheet being hung in the doorway as a wall to block me from seeing it.  I remember the first time I peeked in there, and I remember so vividly packing away everything in there.  Each pair of outfits, each pair of pair of shoes, each pair of hats.

 

Today I am giving away to a close friend the items I didn't put in their keep tote.  The big items that we bought and have stored for three years and the matching outfits for them.  I have had the intention for the past three years to sell them one day, then to donate them.  But I never went all the way through it. 

 

But it is time to let go, and I know these items are meant for this new growing family.  I have known for years (wow crazy) that one day someone close to me would be expecting twin baby boys.  Deep, deep down in my heart, the feeling was there.  The time is here, and I am as ready as I can ever be.

 

To be honest this hurts.  It's not a pain I can label, but the tears are falling.  This is a huge step that I've known I would one day have to make.  I feel it is a necessary step in order to continue moving forward on this journey.  I know the items bought for Lucas and Caleb were bought out of love for those two little boys, and that the two little boys that will use them will be loved just as much. 

 

I am nervous about conversation with C and L (just realized the initials of the couple everything is going to).  I have no idea how I will feel, but I am sure they will be gracious.  They know my heart is tender right now and that this is hard for me….harder than I anticipated.  But I will let things flow as they will, and let it all be.

                  ***************************************************************

 

I've done it! And I feel good.  It wasn't too awkward and there were no tears during the visit.  I am glad it's over, and glad the things that were theirs will now be used instead of collecting dust. 

 

Conversation wasn't forced, and was kept pretty light.  We talked about being pregnant in the summer and how much hotter it is.  L was really excited when we were looking through some of the outfits and they both expressed how grateful they are to be given this stuff. 

 

I feel lighter now.  And I feel happy in a way.  It's hard to explain, but I really do.  I am glad I walked through this, and didn’t run away as I was tempted to.  I am glad I let myself feel what I needed to, and am now able to smile.  And I know that I have healed a little more.

 

35 Weeks (+2 days)

 

35 Weeks!  Wow, almost completely full term.  It's been 30 weeks since we found out we were expecting Baby #5.

 

Baby Size: 18.5 inches and 5.25 lbs.  Give or take

 

Weight Gain: 28 lbs.  (no weight gain between appointments this time)

 

Symptoms: Heartburn and reflux in the evenings.  The back pain is starting to set in some.  Along with the definite cervical pain from Simon's head pushing against it.  Even though he has dropped, I still have moments when I am very short of breath.  NESTING!!!!!  And Braxton Hicks contractions nightly.

 

Cravings: The most amazing chocolate that seems to only be found in Branson.  I am also craving orange crush soda.

 

How I feel: Pretty good for the most part.  Slightly in a panic at times with how close he really is.

 

Best Part of last week:  Hard to choose.  It' been a really good week. Simon is active.  Love it!!

 

Looking forward to: My baby shower on Saturday!!!

 

 

My 35 week appointment was on Monday.  I am still measuring two weeks behind, but she feels all is fine.  Simon is likely going to be a small baby.  They did the GBS swab (never fun), and she said she wanted to wait until next week to check me.  With my nightly contractions, she didn't want to encourage anything quite yet.  I had a lot of questions this time, since I tend to forget them at the other appointments.  Dr. L. was very patient with them and me.  She tried to reassure me the main concern that I should have right  now is that I go into labor on my own.  Everything else seems to be going as it should. 

 

I have been a nesting fool this week.  My house feels like it has transformed, and is getting ready for baby.  I am enjoying the nesting and the productivity. But, there truly isn't an evening that goes by, when I am resting, when the though, "Am I doing all this for nothing?" crosses my mind.  In the moment it all needs to be done.  But when things quiet down those thoughts creep in.  I've had to undo it all before, I really don't want to again.  Most the time I feel very confident Simon will arrive alive and healthy.  There are times, though, when I feel like I am just being oer-confident about it, that we just don't know.

 

I finally cut the tags off a few outfits this week.  They needed to be washed and packed.  I called a friend while doing it, so I could be distracted from what I was doing.  I remember with the other three pregnancies, I loved cutting off the tags.  Now it's a dreaded chore that I really want to put off until I know Simon will be wearing these clothes.  I hate this reality.

 

My baby shower is this weekend.  I am soooo excited for it to finally be here.  I am excited to know that we are two days away from making it to the shower.  Another milestone for us.  It also brings with it some anxiety.  I still have two more days for something to go wrong.  But we will be surrounded by friends and family on that day.  We will be celebrating Baby Simon, and really all we have been through the past two years.  These friends were by my side when Lucas and Caleb were born, they celebrated their lives with us a week later.  And they have prayed for Simon continuously throughout his life.  It's going to be a great day!!

 

I want to congratulate Dana and Ted on the birth of their beautiful rainbow, Emily.  After 5 losses, they finally got to bring home their beautiful baby girl.  She gives them hope, me hope, and so many other moms out there who have lost babies hope.  She is absolutely gorgeous and perfect.  Hearing her cry the other day really brought happy tears to my eyes. 



 

 

35 weeks belly.  Simon has dropped, though I think he just uses the extra room.

Whoot!  I love Scentsy! I love working for such an amazing company.  I found it perfect that they released this warmer in August, just in time for Simon.

Simon's bag is packed.

The dragonfly mirrors that hang from Simon's light.  Just noticed a light bulb is out.

The book Ethan picked out for Simon yesterday.  He said he will give it to him in the hospital when he is born.  I cried.

A video of Mr. Simon moving.  Pretty sure he was also cheering for the RAMS!  And he had the hiccups.