Not So Loud This Year

I'm doing surprisingly well this week. Grief is a little quieter.  I know it could change in 15 minutes, but I've been feeling better than expected all week.  The holiday weekend brought fun and no tears (minus the hormonal breakdown surrounding house stuff).  After the way May began I really expected to be a basket case by now. I am embracing the great moments and happy days.  Maybe this year will be easier.  I am still waiting for Saturday to come and for me to feel broken. But maybe it'll be a little more gentle this year.

I've had a few flashbacks this week, but nothing like it's been in the past.  Tomorrow marks four years since my water broke. I know I'll glance at the clock for the next several days, remembering what was going on at different times.  It's how it is, my reality now.  Five days of remembering uncertainty, hope, grief, and more love than one can ever imagine.  Four years out I can pull positive feelings out of it all.  God has shown and given me so much grace through all this.  And this year I am really trying to focus more on the amazing gifts Lucas and Caleb left me.

We have a wonderful, but quiet, family day planned for Sunday.  I am looking forward to spending time with Willy and the boys.  We're going to fish, eat, play, and swim in a quiet area of an area lake.  It's going to be a time of celebrating family togetherness, and Lucas and Caleb.  This time of year the dragonflies are flying about, hovering over the water.  What better place to celebrate Lucas and Caleb's lives than by a lake where the dragonflies will join us.

I know that with the house stuff, being 15 weeks pregnant (YAY), and the boys beginning summer vacation today has helped me through the beginning of this week.  We are so busy, trying to wrap up stuff, keep the house clean, and chasing Simon.  That boy ran around the house for over 30 minutes last night.  I love the enjoyed chaos of our life.  There are still times when I can sense the hole that is in our family.  But the sting isn't always as intense any longer.  Most times it's a thought that comes and goes with a short stab.  Once in awhile I have to time to let it really soak in.  Willy and I will talk about it, and Lucas and Caleb, some.  We appreciate the moment together.  Then some boy comes running through yelling like a crazed monkey and body slams another boy or Willy. 

Speaking of crazed monkeys, the youngest has woke up.

The oldest two boys watching tv together.  I truly hope they always love each other like this.

 

Happy and Sad

I meant to write this Sunday, but time got away from me.  But I really want to share this paradox of feelings that really sent me reeling Sunday afternoon.  I know hormones play a part of it, grief a larger part, tomorrow being May 1st a larger one still.

I woke up Saturday morning feeling truly happy for the first time in weeks.  My heart felt light, I felt happy pregnant.  Don't get me wrong, I am incredibly excited to be pregnant, but I have been feeling awful these past several weeks.  I just haven't felt myself, and even though I pulled gratefulness out of each symptom, I was irritable and moody.  But Saturday morning, I felt good.  I told Willy I was happy, wished him good morning.  He welcomed me back.

The joyful lightness of it all continued through the day.  I felt that "glow" wash over me.  I felt happy pregnant.  I was so excited for this familiar emotion that I had been longing for.  We had a wonderful day and amazing evening with friends.  And I woke up Sunday morning feeling just as great.  I was excited to be heading to church for the first time in three weeks.

Our church has greeters at the door when you walk in.  They always welcome you with a smile, hand you notes for the day, and on the last weekend of the month, there is a calendar for the following month.  I was hurried in following three boys who were excited to be there and didn't have a chance to grab the calendar.  I spent time visiting with my church family.  Then headed into worship with Colton.

In middle of the first song I noticed the May calendar sitting in the chair in front of me.  And there it was.  Mother's Day.  Then Memorial Day.  Grief came flooding in.  Raw pain began to tear my heart.  May is tough.  I've felt it's impending arrival for a while now.  But here it was in black and white.  No denying it.  The fourth Mother's Day without two of my children to give me a card with their growing handprints.  The knowledge of the build-up to a holiday weekend where flashbacks will race through my mind at every turn.  How did May get here so incredibly fast?

Then there was this battle between happiness and grief.  Being elated for the life growing inside of me right now, and the sadness for the two lives that were too short.  I came home and had one of those really hard cries.  The type that shakes your whole body.  I told Willy how I was so happy for Lil' Turkey, but so incredibly sad for Lucas and Caleb.  How something so light as a piece of paper was causing so much heaviness on my heart.  We stood there in the kitchen and just held each other, as we have done so many times throughout this journey. 

After the flood of emotions, I was left tired and confused.  To feel the two emotions at the same time is rough.  (lack of better words)  It doesn't make sense except in grief.  But May is here.  I'm blessed to be expecting baby number six.  And the crazy emotions that come when the two are combined have only begun.

Some Randomness for a Monday

We've been busy around here.  The house is still on the market.  We did have a couple look at it last week, but the layout is different from what they are looking for.  We were disappointed, but we know the right buyer is out there.  Hopefully this awful weather will go away soon and spring weather will bring in more buyers. 

Spring break was the week before last.  We had a ton of fun with the boys, doing something nearly every day.  We headed to Castle Rock on Wednesday of spring break.  I'll have to post more about that later with some of the underwater pictures we took.  Willy has the USB cord for the camera with him, so not today.  But the boys had a blast.   I took Simon to the zoo on that Tuesday while the big boys visited Grandma, and I know we did a lot more.  But right now my mind is drawing a blank.

Ethan starts soccer soon, and Colton will be starting baseball in a few weeks.  It looks to already be a busy spring, and I'm excited to see the boys play sports they really enjoy.  There's also a cub scouts camping trip coming up in April.  And Colton turns EIGHT next month.  How is it that eight years have passed since I became a momma to that wonderful blonde boy?

Simon is Simon.  He is as stubborn as ever, but full of laughs and smiles.  He brings me books all day long so we can read together.  I love his love for books.  We've had to tape the binding of three books this past week.  All three of them were favorites of the big boys.  Taped bindings equals much love in this house.  He also is all about anything with animals.  I could call him obsessed sometimes.

Here are a few pictures from the past couple of weeks:

I was asked to go with Ethan's class to see Dinosaur Train Live last week.  We had so much fun!

 

Willy's birthday was last week.  We celebrated with dinner at Rib Crib on Tuesday.  And again on his birthday with his favorite meal at home and ice cream cake.

Ethan has "found his balance" on the skateboard.  He has been working really hard to be able to ride it.  I love his determination.

 

Simon feeding the goats and donkeys at the zoo.  This kid stood here for 30 minutes feeding the animals.

Simon and Kye playing together. 

 

Colton, Ethan, and Willy riding Go-Karts at Incredible Pizza over spring break.

 

Looking back at 2013

Normally I have this up on New Year's Eve, but the day passed quickly and it was pretty late by the time I realized I had forgotten.  So, here is looking back on 2013.  The year went by really fast.  There were a lot of memories made, some really hard moments, and some great surprises!

**After writing for an hour, I realize this is crazy long. Hang in there though, there are some great pictures!**

January

The year started with a trip to Washington to visit my family. It was a fun trip.  We visited with my dad, Michelle and her family, and then headed to my mom's to visit with my grandma and for Aunt Boo to meet her newest nephew.

 I will hold this picture every so close.

 

 Miss Emmy Jo with her Scentsy pig.

 

Aunt Boo meeting Simon, and Emily not looking too sure.  Maybe she knew she knew momma would be having one of those little people this year.

 

 

February

 

There was a ton of family fun in February.  I still have a tough time in February, knowing that it was the month we found out we were having twins.  It's kind of an underlying thought that comes and goes.  Kind of a post first year grief thing, I guess.

 

 

 We celebrated Dru's birthday at Chuck E Cheese as we do every year. 

 

 Simon's first ride.  He really didn't care much.

 

 We had an awesome snow!  The perfect snowman snow.

 

 And Simon's first big snow.

 

 And Snickers is a HUGE fan of the snow.  The dog cracked me up!

 

We made a rice krispie treat train one night with the boys as part of a family fun night.  It was fun and super yummy.

 

March

 

March was full of more fun.  The weather was amazing for a month when it is hit or miss.

We spent the first of many outings with our long time pals.  Colton and Carter have been friends since Colton was 10 months old.  We love this family!  And the pictures we have through the years with the kids and this tiger are priceless.

Simon's first Easter

 

 

 The first trip to SDC for the season.  Simon's first train ride.

 

I can't believe how much he has grown!

His first egg hunt.

 

April

 Simon had his first play date with Kye. 

 

 Colton turned 7.  My oh my, what an age.  This was the first birthday without a big party.  It's when we decided to do the family birthday bash in the summer.  Which is one of the greatest ideas we've ever had!

 

The only picture with this hat before it was too small.

A haircut for my Ethan

 

Simon's first trip to Lambert's.

 

The boys with Grandpa Tim. He surprised them by coming down and a trip to Lambert's.

 

May

The most beautiful sunset to start the month.

 

The first of many days at the park.  Love my boys.

My lil bug graduated from Pre-K.  Oh what a tough moment that was.

 The boys' first Amtrak ride.  Ethan still swears that it was the best day of his life!

 

Love it!

Memorial Day fun.  The holiday is always, and will always be tough on my heart.  But spending it with fabulous friends always helps me make it through.

 

June

 





 

Lucas and Caleb would have turned 3 on the first.  Their birthday comes in with a roar still, but leaves quietly now.

 

 The first trip to White Water was fun.

 

 My oldest rocking the monkey bars.

 

Simon's first day trip to the lake to visit grandma and grandpa.  He wanted to fish food also.

 

Our first birthday bash.  This was a huge hit! I can't wait to do this every year!

Our friends and family.

 

July

July was a cooler than normal month.  I really wanted to embrace this summer, and we totally did.

 

 

 The boys filled up water balloons and attacked daddy when he came back from the store.

 And daddy attacked them back.

 

We always go to the Fourth of July parade in Marshfield.  And we always take a family picture.  This is one of the pictures we take that always, always has a hole in it.

 

 

 More park fun

 And Miss Emmy Jo stayed with us for a week!

 

August

School started mid-August.  Ethan's first day of Kindergarten.  Colton's first day of Second Grade.

 

My eyes swell with tears every time I see this picture.

 

September

 September brought us Lucy.  The two weeks we had her were great.  But I'm glad she's in a loving home with close friends that we can visit anytime.

 

 

And Simon turned ONE!  What a day it was!

 

Willy and I celebrated seven years married. 

 

October

 

October was full of fun.  And it was the hardest month of the year.  Losing my grandma has been the hardest moment since losing Lucas and Caleb.  I believe I grieve harder than before.  And it still hurts sometimes.

 

 

 

This woman was so amazing!  I learned so much from her, and her love for life.  She was there for me always.  I still pick up the phone sometimes, ready to call her, whether it is to share a funny story about the boys or just to check on how she is doing.  And last night was tough.  Saying good-bye to the year that we said good-bye to her.

 

We did have some good moments in October also, though.

 

 

Boy Scout camping trip, made awesome by camping with the Harts.

 

And of course, Halloween.

 

November

I was happy to see October go.  November was came in quietly, but left with a ROAR!  Thanksgiving fell late, Black Friday was on Ethan's birthday, and 10 out of 14 of us came down with a stomach bug that last weekend. 

 

 

 

 

 

Maddie and Austin were down for Ethan's birthday this year.  We had an impromptu small party after dinner.

 

December

 

Over a foot of snow fell in December.  Lots and lots of snow.  We had FOUR snow days before Christmas break, and embraced the first three.

 

And Christmas.  The awe and exploration from Simon just warmed my heart all month long.

 Our Santa screaming photo

 

This boy couldn't have been happier.

 My Christmas surprise.  Erika moved home with her family.  I met Ellie Mae.  The tears that fell when I saw her get out of my mom's car, wow, it was pretty incredible.

 

 

I have to say I am glad to see 2013 go.  The year was mostly pretty wonderful, but losing my grandma really overshadows some of the good stuff some days.  But I also look at all these pictures and realized how blessed I truly am.  I am hoping 2014 brings more great memories, and not so much heartbreak.  I know there are some great moments coming up.