Seven Years

Happy Seventh Birthday, my dear sweet boys!  Oh how I wish we were celebrating this morning with balloons down the hall, the birthday banner we always hang, and two special birthday cakes just for you.  Instead we'll make cupcakes as a family and we're going to buy two little seven  year old boys in foster care special gifts.  I love the idea, I love that because of the two of you that two little boys who need some extra love are going to feel it. But it doesn't take away the pain of your not being here. Love you sweet boys! 

This is the first year I have cried on Lucas and Caleb's birthday.  Honestly, it has always been a day where we smiled, celebrated their short lives, and enjoyed time together.  I am sure we'll make it to that this afternoon.  But this year has been incredibly hard.  The grief has been intense, the bouts of crying ugly.  I have had so many flashbacks, and I have once again found myself dealing with guilt.

I know it is probably a combination of things that is making it so hard, or maybe it really isn't. Maybe it has something to do with the ages of Simon and Benjamin this year.  I missed out on so much during this season with Colton and Ethan. Maybe it is just how grief is.  It is ugly, it is frustrating, and it is it's own beast. I have been surprised this year by how much pain I have felt leading up to this day.  This is the most I have cried and grieved since their first birthday.  

I am grateful for the love and support those in my life show me this time of year.  That even seven years later, when I am in the church bathroom crying, they are still loving and encouraging.  They are praying with me and for me.  They give me the, "This sucks, I love you." glance.  I hope that all moms who are missing their babies are surrounded by the same.  Because I know I couldn't walk this alone.  I have learned that I don't have this, that grief can still pack a punch, and keep on punching.

A while back I made this blog private since I wasn't writing anymore.  Life became busy, I wasn't really needing or using this space as I once did.  But I'm going to open it back up for awhile.  Maybe I'll write some more here, or maybe there is someone out there who is searching for a similar story to hers. 

Dreaming and Waking and Thinking and Crying

I had the scariest dream this morning.  It was so incredibly real, I woke up cold all over and in tears. 

~~ We were swimming at a pool and Simon was running from me.  I took off to catch him from the other direction and he didn't meet me.  He didn't meet me.  My heart started to race. I started to scream.  I was looking down at the water, not up.  I knew he fell in.  I saw him from across the pool at the bottom and I dove in screaming.  By the time I got to him,  a lifeguard was pulling him out.  But he wasn't doing CPR.  He was staring at him, shaking his cheeks.  Every few seconds Simon would almost draw a breath, then his head would fall to the side.  His eyes seemed to be screaming for help.  I was screaming at the lifeguard.~~

I woke up.

And cried.  

It took me some time to calm down and warm up enough to wake Willy for some support. I heard Simon talk in his sleep.  I went up to kiss him and came back to bed. I felt angry at this lifeguard, not understanding why he wasn't doing more to save my little boy.  Then I began to think of all the things we need to do to protect him.  He's full on two now.  He knows what he wants and is incredibly stubborn and determined to figure out a way to get it.  I can't keep him off the top bunk of the big boys' beds, doorknobs are no longer a deterrent for him.  And there's the pools and parks this spring and summer.  

Then I began to really think about the worst of it.  I don't want to, but I can imagine the pain of him not being here.  I can go there too quickly, and this time of year, it doesn't take a whole lot.  Losing Lucas and Caleb, my mind takes off to that awful place on its own. And then the floodgates open.  Thoughts, memories, tears, all take on a life of their own.  I have to hold on tight at the moment to the sound of Benjamin's monitor ticking, and the knowledge that Simon is in his bed, I just kissed his head, and he is safe right now.  And the sound of Colton and Ethan "walking" down the stairs.  

I've been spending more time in prayer lately.  This time of year usually brings me closer to God.  This morning was no different.  I feel His comfort and strength as I move through the day. I was able to get out of bed and go about normal snow day business.  And the boys have been able to move through their day without picking up on my pain.  The big boys know this time of year.  That's another post for another day.  How much I hate that they have to walk this also.

Lil' Turkey

Surprise!!

Soooo, since we aren't sharing for some time....a couple of weeks...I am just going to make this a rolling post about the first few weeks of my pregnancy with Lil Turkey.  That way I'm getting it all down, and if you want, you can read it.  It's not a boring read, unfortunately.  I don't have textbook pregnancies anymore.  Wish I would have enjoyed that fact about the first two a little more.

March 8th,
We found out this afternoon that we're expecting baby number SIX.  Wow, baby number six.  Nickname is Lil Turkey since due date is Nov 17th.  We've been trying for six long months.  This is the first time we've really had to work at becoming pregnant.  I'm going to be honest, I've whined along the way to some close friends.  I've worried some, and been frustrated a ton.  I talked with my Dr L on the 3rd about it at my annual appointment.  She at that time reassured me she would see me again soon. 

I took a test after having a bloody nose for three morning straight.  My tried and true pregnancy symptom.  I tested three days early, knowing it was a long shot, but there it was, a faint, but definitely there positive result. I was instantly over the moon excited.  I showed Willy, and he confirmed what I was seeing.  He grinned and said, "Yup, we're having a baby."  Then it was quickly hush-hush because the boys came rumbling down the stairs. We decided to hold off telling them and most everyone until April for our reasons.

March 11th,
I started spotting some last night.  It was a little old blood, about the same I had with Simon.  It's continued today, but I'm not really concerned.  I did this for weeks during my first trimester with Simon, starting on the same day of the pregnancy.  I'm going to take it a little easy, but it's spring break, and I am sure all is fine.

March 12th,
This morning was AWFUL!!!!  I woke up and started bleeding.  Really bleeding a lot.  For an hour I was in and out of the bathroom, sure I was losing the baby.  I was texting back and forth with Dana.  Willy's mom was here, so I couldn't really use him for support. And she's had an early miscarriage, so she knew how to help me though it all.  The time passed, and I passed a clot.  I told Willy the baby was gone.  We told his mom about the baby and that I had lost it.  The tears flowed, my heart was ripping. 

The bleeding then just stopped.  An hour passed, and still nothing.  I called my Dr's office and the triage nurse s sounded perplexed and told me to come in to have my levels tested.  We had plans for the day to take the boys to an indoor water park in Branson.  I stopped on the way up there to have the blood drawn.  Still no bleeding. I ran into my nurse, Wendy, while there.  I told her what was going on. She offered me a big hug and told me she'd watch for my results and call me later.

We went up there and had a great time.  I checked my phone once an hour to see if the Dr had called.  At 4:53pm I received a call from my nurse.  I was feeding Simon a snack and my phone rang.  My progesterone was 11.4 and my HCG was at 193!  I could Dr L in the background.  She kept telling Wendy, "Tell her I told her we'd be seeing her soon."

I am on cloud nine.  I didn't expect those numbers at all.  Dr L is very happy with them.  Now to only wait until Friday when we do the second draw.  386 is the magic number.

March 14th,
I woke up early this morning to have my blood drawn.  I was hoping to have the results in time for the weekend.  Wendy called about 1:30pm.  The first words out of her mouth was, "They more than doubled, Carrie!"  YAY!  My HCG was 414!!!!  Everything number wise is wonderful, couldn't ask for better.  Dr. L. was again in the background telling Wendy different things to say to me.  I love that my OB team is so wonderful and excited about this little baby.

I also started to feel some nausea this afternoon.  Just a little, and it lasted for about an hour or so.  But it helps me to know that things are going well.

March 16th,
Church today brought something I've been needing throughout this pregnancy so far.  It's so hard to feel this is all true without being able to call my grandma and celebrate with her.  I know she would be so happy, yet she'd let me know that this really needs to be our last one.  She'd also be praying for a baby girl this time.  I have yet to really grieve her absence, until this morning.

The worship team at church began singing Amazing Grace.  The song that was played at Lucas and Caleb's service and at grandma's service.  And the tears began to pour out.  This song holds so much for me.  And everything that had been waiting just below the surface was released.  As hard as the emotions were to feel, I did need to work through it all.  One thing that is consistent about grief, is that eventually you have to feel what you need to feel in order to move forward.  You can't just skip the parts you don't want to deal with. I am grateful for this, even though it's tough. 

March 17th,
I'm not spotting anymore!  It's a little earlier in the pregnancy as compared to Simon's, but I'll take it.  And it's a great way to arrive at 5 weeks!

March 19th,
All day nausea has hit and hit hard.  I've felt awful all day today.  It's still tolerable, but it's the ick of it all. I've been napping daily this week.  I was really hoping I had another week before these symptoms kicked in, but I'll take it as it means that lil Turkey is growing.

March 21st,
I was up all night last night throwing up!  All night long.  I feel a little less nauseous this morning, but I'm wiped out.  I move between the couch and bed.  I have no desire to eat, and I am trying to keep fluids going in.  I'm beginning to wonder if this is something else, or if it's a little girl in there making me so sick.

March 22nd,
I woke up this morning feeling pretty good.  Then by around noon, the nausea came back full force.  By 4:00, I was giving up.  I had to go to Urgent Care for relief.  I was so miserable, there was  no way I could do this without some medical intervention.  I hadn't eaten in over a day, and I knew that baby was going to suffer soon.  They hooked me up to an IV for fluids and gave me a dose of Zofran to begin with. After an hour, the nausea had not let up, so they gave me a double dose of Zofran through the IV.  Then they took a urine sample and found that I have a UTI.  My blood work, progesterone and HCG levels looked great though.  The second dose of Zofran didn't touch the nausea much.  I left with a prescription for anti-biotics and another anti-nausea med. And I was able to have a decent night's sleep.

March 24th,
I'm catching up on sleep and my appetite is back.  But the spotting also came back this morning.  At first I panicked some, my heart sunk a little.  But it's nothing out of control.  I know this is part of my pregnancies since Lucas and Caleb.  I'm keeping an eye on it.  I'm 6 weeks pregnant with lil Turkey today.  I'll start the belly pictures today.  There's a little bump going on.  Being my fifth pregnancy, my body knows what it's doing.

March 31st,
Seven weeks today.  It feels like such a milestone.  So far from four weeks and so much closer to 13.  The last week has been pretty uneventful, the way I like it.  I am feeling more and more pregnant every day.  The nausea is usually gone by 4 or 5 o'clock.  Unless I totally sabotage myself and eat something that I know will probably make me sick...or wait too long to eat something at all.  I'm napping daily, it's the only way I make it to dinnertime.

We have a doctor's appointment on Wednesday.  It's the whole financial obligation and medical history appointment. And of course they'll make me pee in a cup to confirm my pregnancy.  Even when we've already done so with beta testing a few weeks ago.  Then we'll schedule the ultrasound, maybe even for next week.  I am sooo ready to see Lil Turkey.

We're going to tell the boys probably tonight.  I figure I'll post this post Wednesday after the appointment.  It's getting hard to hide it all now.  Between my exhaustion and growing bump, it's time.  I'm excited to share with the world.

April 2nd,
Dr appointment today.  Just the money stuff and pre-natal education.  Plus the five vials of blood taken from my arm.  All went well.  The ultrasound is scheduled for the 17th, which means two more weeks to wait to see a heartbeat. 

My nurse happened to walk by the office while I was sitting in there and was just so happy.  She hugged me so tight and practically was jumping up and down with excitement.  I love her!  And her excitement is just what I was needing.

The nurse that does the educating was a new one from last time I was in there with Simon.  I have to say the office needs her, every office needs her.  We were sitting there getting ready to do pregnancy history stuff.  She confirmed it was my fifth pregnancy.  Then she paused, and said that I have four living children at home.  I kindly corrected her and said no, three.  She gasped, and started looking through my charts again.  She said that she knew Lucas was stillborn, but nothing was said anywhere about Caleb passing.  She was very apologetic, saying that she tried to have all this ready so we wouldn't have to spend much time re-visiting it all.  She seemed upset that my chart didn't mention Caleb not making it either.  I love that she tried to do her homework before we came in.  I've never had someone try to be prepared.  And her sincere apologies were more than the pat, "I am so sorry." that we usually receive.  It made it all so much easier in it's own way.

I know this has been a lot to read.  Hope you feel caught up in the past three weeks.  Wow!  We've managed to hide this 95% or so for three weeks.

No good, rotten, bad day

That's today, so far. 

I started to write this, making a list of all the reasons this morning I feel like today just bites.  Then decided not to.  I don't need to make some list as to why I feel this way. 

But days like today make me miss them even more.  Lucas and Caleb are closer to the surface of my heart today.  The edges of the hole my baby boys left have more definition today.  They are jagged, and they scratch everything. 

And I am missing my grandma more today.  It's been three months since I've talked to her.  Someone I used to talk to every other day, for years.  And I haven't heard her voice in three horribly long months. 

I hate how mornings when things just start out wrong, grief takes it as an invitation to set up camp.  The only smiles I have felt surface this morning are the ones when Colton, Ethan, and Simon all sat on (or nearly on) my lap.  I am so grateful for those three boys.  Oh my, am I ever so grateful. 

Looking back at 2013

Normally I have this up on New Year's Eve, but the day passed quickly and it was pretty late by the time I realized I had forgotten.  So, here is looking back on 2013.  The year went by really fast.  There were a lot of memories made, some really hard moments, and some great surprises!

**After writing for an hour, I realize this is crazy long. Hang in there though, there are some great pictures!**

January

The year started with a trip to Washington to visit my family. It was a fun trip.  We visited with my dad, Michelle and her family, and then headed to my mom's to visit with my grandma and for Aunt Boo to meet her newest nephew.

 I will hold this picture every so close.

 

 Miss Emmy Jo with her Scentsy pig.

 

Aunt Boo meeting Simon, and Emily not looking too sure.  Maybe she knew she knew momma would be having one of those little people this year.

 

 

February

 

There was a ton of family fun in February.  I still have a tough time in February, knowing that it was the month we found out we were having twins.  It's kind of an underlying thought that comes and goes.  Kind of a post first year grief thing, I guess.

 

 

 We celebrated Dru's birthday at Chuck E Cheese as we do every year. 

 

 Simon's first ride.  He really didn't care much.

 

 We had an awesome snow!  The perfect snowman snow.

 

 And Simon's first big snow.

 

 And Snickers is a HUGE fan of the snow.  The dog cracked me up!

 

We made a rice krispie treat train one night with the boys as part of a family fun night.  It was fun and super yummy.

 

March

 

March was full of more fun.  The weather was amazing for a month when it is hit or miss.

We spent the first of many outings with our long time pals.  Colton and Carter have been friends since Colton was 10 months old.  We love this family!  And the pictures we have through the years with the kids and this tiger are priceless.

Simon's first Easter

 

 

 The first trip to SDC for the season.  Simon's first train ride.

 

I can't believe how much he has grown!

His first egg hunt.

 

April

 Simon had his first play date with Kye. 

 

 Colton turned 7.  My oh my, what an age.  This was the first birthday without a big party.  It's when we decided to do the family birthday bash in the summer.  Which is one of the greatest ideas we've ever had!

 

The only picture with this hat before it was too small.

A haircut for my Ethan

 

Simon's first trip to Lambert's.

 

The boys with Grandpa Tim. He surprised them by coming down and a trip to Lambert's.

 

May

The most beautiful sunset to start the month.

 

The first of many days at the park.  Love my boys.

My lil bug graduated from Pre-K.  Oh what a tough moment that was.

 The boys' first Amtrak ride.  Ethan still swears that it was the best day of his life!

 

Love it!

Memorial Day fun.  The holiday is always, and will always be tough on my heart.  But spending it with fabulous friends always helps me make it through.

 

June

 





 

Lucas and Caleb would have turned 3 on the first.  Their birthday comes in with a roar still, but leaves quietly now.

 

 The first trip to White Water was fun.

 

 My oldest rocking the monkey bars.

 

Simon's first day trip to the lake to visit grandma and grandpa.  He wanted to fish food also.

 

Our first birthday bash.  This was a huge hit! I can't wait to do this every year!

Our friends and family.

 

July

July was a cooler than normal month.  I really wanted to embrace this summer, and we totally did.

 

 

 The boys filled up water balloons and attacked daddy when he came back from the store.

 And daddy attacked them back.

 

We always go to the Fourth of July parade in Marshfield.  And we always take a family picture.  This is one of the pictures we take that always, always has a hole in it.

 

 

 More park fun

 And Miss Emmy Jo stayed with us for a week!

 

August

School started mid-August.  Ethan's first day of Kindergarten.  Colton's first day of Second Grade.

 

My eyes swell with tears every time I see this picture.

 

September

 September brought us Lucy.  The two weeks we had her were great.  But I'm glad she's in a loving home with close friends that we can visit anytime.

 

 

And Simon turned ONE!  What a day it was!

 

Willy and I celebrated seven years married. 

 

October

 

October was full of fun.  And it was the hardest month of the year.  Losing my grandma has been the hardest moment since losing Lucas and Caleb.  I believe I grieve harder than before.  And it still hurts sometimes.

 

 

 

This woman was so amazing!  I learned so much from her, and her love for life.  She was there for me always.  I still pick up the phone sometimes, ready to call her, whether it is to share a funny story about the boys or just to check on how she is doing.  And last night was tough.  Saying good-bye to the year that we said good-bye to her.

 

We did have some good moments in October also, though.

 

 

Boy Scout camping trip, made awesome by camping with the Harts.

 

And of course, Halloween.

 

November

I was happy to see October go.  November was came in quietly, but left with a ROAR!  Thanksgiving fell late, Black Friday was on Ethan's birthday, and 10 out of 14 of us came down with a stomach bug that last weekend. 

 

 

 

 

 

Maddie and Austin were down for Ethan's birthday this year.  We had an impromptu small party after dinner.

 

December

 

Over a foot of snow fell in December.  Lots and lots of snow.  We had FOUR snow days before Christmas break, and embraced the first three.

 

And Christmas.  The awe and exploration from Simon just warmed my heart all month long.

 Our Santa screaming photo

 

This boy couldn't have been happier.

 My Christmas surprise.  Erika moved home with her family.  I met Ellie Mae.  The tears that fell when I saw her get out of my mom's car, wow, it was pretty incredible.

 

 

I have to say I am glad to see 2013 go.  The year was mostly pretty wonderful, but losing my grandma really overshadows some of the good stuff some days.  But I also look at all these pictures and realized how blessed I truly am.  I am hoping 2014 brings more great memories, and not so much heartbreak.  I know there are some great moments coming up.