Happy Anniversary Dear Husband



 

 

Seven year ago today I married my best friend.  We have been through so much together, and every year we are closer and closer to each other.  I am so grateful that I have him to walk through life with.  I love the adventure we take on every day raising our boys, and truly couldn't imagine being with anybody else through it all.

 

I love you, Willy!  Thanks for being who you are and for loving me and our children so very much!

05*31*13

I'm supposed to be making cowboy coffee cake for Friday Morning Coffee.  It is half put together and mixed in the kitchen.  I have to take a break though.  I thought maybe I would escape the tears today.  I felt great when I woke up and the sun was shining.  But the pain has rolled in with the clouds.  Grief and tears began to linger just under the surface.  And one of the things I have learned from this journey is that if I don't let the tears fall, if I don't feel what I need to feel, then the pain will hang around all day.  And they day will be shot.  So here I am writing, getting it all out.  Letting the tears fall.

I can't believe it's been three years since we went through all this.  The flashbacks are serious this year.  Lying in the hospital, watching the clock, praying to make it to 48 hours.  Last night as I was getting ready for bed, I remembered how Willy brought me the three HUGE containers of different types of M&M's.  Us hanging out there, nervously joking around, not knowing what was just around the corner.

Tonight marks three years since we learned Lucas' heart quit beating.  The horrible pain that came at that moment, and then the knowledge that I had to keep it held together to give Caleb a fighting chance.  I'll never forget those quiet moments when the nurses, then Dr M searched and searched for some sign of a heartbeat.  And then when she looked at me with the sad look, and I knew. 

There are a lot of reason why the pain is so raw and intense this year.  It has really caught me by surprise.  Thanks to my friends and family who have shared their love and prayers this month, and over the past three years as we've walked through all this.  You all mean more to me that you can ever know.  Sorry for the tear jerker first thing in the morning, but my tears have fallen this morning.  I hope the sun comes out and grief lets me be for today.

Love you baby boys!  Off to make some breakfast.

05*21*13

There is just over two weeks left until Lucas and Caleb's birthday and anniversaries.  I feel the weight of the upcoming dates daily.  I had an incredibly hard week last week.  I cried everyday five days in a row.  I haven't had that since I was three months out, and I am now three years out.  A HUGE trigger was hit on an already bad day. My heart was ripped open, the healing scars that were already being tugged from Mother's Day were torn to shreds.  The pain was that raw.

 

It's cloudy out today.  Storms have been rolling through since Sunday evening.  Yesterday a devastating tornado hit two elementary schools in Oklahoma, along with hundreds of homes and a hospital.  But the schools, oh my.  The pain I imagine those parents felt knowing their children were in those schools, and not knowing if their children would be walking out of the rubble that was left.  It hurts my already fragile heart.  I've tried to stay away from the media outpour, as I know watching it all will do nothing to help them.

 

This year Memorial Day falls a week before Lucas and Caleb's birthday.  In 2010, Lucas passed away on Memorial Day, my water broke the Saturday of the holiday weekend.  (As I typed this, the memory of Dr M shaking her head, saying "I'm sorry." came rushing back) We have this amazing family weekend planned this for this weekend.  And I don't know what to expect emotionally.  I know the past two years, the holiday weekend has been tough also.  It's almost like the anniversaries hit twice.

 

I was talking with a close friend, Kathleen, last week.  She has the theory that part of the reason for the depth of the pain this year is that we have Simon now.  Up until now, the hole Lucas and Caleb left was borderless.  It was a hole after Colton and Ethan in our family.  Now that Simon is here, there are actual definition to said hole.  He acts as the second "bookend".  I've put a lot of thought to this, and feel she is so very right.  Thank you, Kathleen for your amazing words.

 

Outside of all this heavy grief, we are doing okay.  Colton has started summer vacation and Ethan's summer begins Wednesday at 1:00.  The weather up until recently has been wonderful!  We have really enjoyed some fun family time together.  I am so grateful I can stay home with my boys and take them to the park, play outside, and enjoy them every day.

To wrap this up, here are some pictures.  I guess next week I'll post an eight month post for Simon along with pictures from months 6-8 in his onesie and sticker.  It'll be fun to see how much he has changed all in one post.

 Loving some swing time

 

 Love this first pancake!
 

Look at me mom!!!

 



Oh my, is all I can say!

 



Check out those baby blues.  Look out Dads!

 



I can really cheese it up!

 



Love this little boy

 



First fishing of the summer

 



Simon checking out the fishing pole

 



Ethan graduated from Pre-K on Wednesday.  A teary afternoon for this big boy.\

 



Early morning reading of train book.

 



Colton won the Spelling award and Super Habit Hero for 99% HABIT points at his award ceremony last Wednesday.  So very proud of him!

May

 

 

The number of months since Lucas and Caleb were born.  1 month shy of 3 years.  And this number seems incredibly HUGE right now. It has been 35 months since I held them in my arms. 

 

I had a really hard day yesterday.  Willy and I have decided to donate their snap n go stroller and infant seats with bases to one of the fostering agencies here in Springfield.  It feels right, it really does.  I called yesterday morning to find out the details for dropping them off and made it through the call fine.  But when I hung up, the tears stormed down my face.  My heart felt like it ripped open again and that I was losing those baby boys all over again.  And the tears fell throughout the day. Anytime I thought about Lucas and Caleb, the tears took over.  It was different this time, though.  I felt great in between those moments.  I didn't have this dark cloud constantly hanging over me, it just appeared for a time then left, as did the intense pain. 

 

Willy has said that he'll drop them off.  I know there is no way I will be able to.  I  try to picture myself being there and the image isn't pretty. More like me having a steel grip on the handle of the stroller while crying out, them trying to understand what is wrong with me.  Yeah, not such a great idea.  And I pretty sure, that is how it would happen.  Think I'll just stay home for that one.  And if Willy doesn't want to do it, I know there are many friends who will make the drop for us. 

 

We don't want to wait any longer to do this.  I think time has done what it can in this area.  And it would be pointless if the car seats expire.  I hope that these emotions tied to these items are so weighted due to the emotionally charged season. 

 

Today is a rough one also.  It has been months, maybe over a year, since I have had a group of rough days.  I woke up this morning and knew I was in for a ride today.  I really hoped last night that today would be great, and knew that with the rainy weather coming in, that I needed a good day to buffer the rest of the week. 

 

But I miss them.  I hurt so much for them right now.  And I'm missing them for Simon all of a sudden.  Simon LOVES Colton and Ethan so much.  His face lights up when they are in the room.  And they get laughs out of him that are only for them.  He holds my locket often.  Up until now it has made my heart swell with love, but recently it brings a little bit of pain. 

 

I know this is another season I have to walk through.  It is incredible how one can be busy and almost forget the degree of the pain that comes with losing a child.  I am still learning how to grieve for them.  Each year, each birthday is different.  And I can honestly say this year is a whole lot tougher than last.

 

35 months have passed.  I miss you baby boys.

Grace to Grieve

 

 

I really should be folding laundry right now while Simon is sleeping and the older boys are enjoying their tv time, but this post has been building for a few days.  I really feel I need to share and get it all out.  I don't have much time to write anymore.  I hope with school winding down that will change,  but we will see.

Spring is in full bloom here.  With the green leaves and beautiful flowers comes the clouds and rain.  End of the year activities are going on, Colton's birthday has passed, and I am reminded of them.  This time of year has been different every year since Lucas and Caleb were born.  That first spring was dark and full of tears as I prepared for what I wanted their first birthday to be.  Last year I grieved for them as I hoped and prayed for Simon. This year, Simon is in my arms, they are in my heart.

The darkness is building though.  And if anything, I am grieving more this spring than I did last.  At times, maybe even more than that first spring.  I miss them so much.  There are times when I feel the grief crawling in, and I just shove it back. I keep telling myself it's not time for that.  I feel there's a delicate balance between embracing Simon and mourning them.  At times I feel like I am parenting them, their memory, as I parent Simon.  There is so much guilt with all the emotion.

Then I was reminded last week that I need to give myself grace.  It's okay to grieve them as much as I have been, and that it makes me no less in love with my living children.  Thank you, Kathleen, for that.  I can embrace the grief as it finds its way in for a few months.  I've been an emotional wreck for a couple of weeks now, and have been not allowing myself to really feel the pain that comes with this time of year. 

It amazes me that almost THREE years out, I am still learning the ropes of babyloss.  I still go through periods with the memory of the intense pain so buried, then suddenly the grief is there, in all it's rawness.  I cried last so hard for them last night.  The most I have in three or four months.  But,  oh how I miss them. 

So here I am, giving myself the grace to grieve them openly.  And I hope as many of my babyloss friends are also approaching heavenly birthdays, that they also give themselves the same grace. 

23 Weeks

This weekly post is different.  Lucas and Caleb's birthday (wow, just typing that brings on the tears) is just 2 days away.  It's just different.

I am excited to be at 23 weeks.  Simon is active as ever, it's as if he knows I need to know he is there, alive and spunky.  I feel good physically, and that heat isn't totally wiping me out yet.

But this week is hard.  I've felt strong emotionally up until the past few days.  Grief has crept in ever so slowly.  And today, whew, I'm already exhausted from it.  My heart hurts.  Every little pain, or too long without movement from Simon sends me into panic mode.  I am replaying those days in the hospital over and over again.  Who was there, what we talked about, how I felt.  I remember watching each hour passing, as we neared the next steroid shot and 48 hour mark.  I remember how positive I felt that it was all going to be okay.  I remember not yet being a part of this babyloss community.  (Although I love each and every one of you!)

There's a lot of pain, hurt right now.  And there is alot of fear.  I think that is the main difference between last year and this year.  Last year I grieved all we had lost and all we had been through.  This year I am missing them, but I am also so afraid we are going to lose Simon.  I am sure the time lines being so similar has tons to do with that. 

Last night about 1:30am, I woke up to a sharp pain in my right side.  I rolled over, trying to see if it would go away.  The pain was stabbing, and would only last a few seconds.  But then it would come back a few minutes later.  For some reason, Simon would kick that spot right after the pain hit. (Thank you baby boy for letting me know you were there)  I came downstairs to see if sitting up would help any.  All I could think about was what would they do if something was wrong?  I am not quite 24 weeks, so would they try and keep me pregnant until then?  Or if they had to take Simon, would they try to keep him alive, or apologize and bow their heads?  Then anger crept in.  These thoughts, these fears shouldn't be running through my mind.  I shouldn't know the reality of it all.  And I began to grieve the idea of a blissful pregnancy.

When I woke up this morning, I knew today wasn't going to be easy.  I tried to shake it off and headed downstairs.  I guess Lucas and Caleb knew also, as their light was on.  Normally it makes me smile, but today it brought on the tears. 

With all of this, I am feeling like a not so great momma.  Colton and Ethan are playing upstairs, quietly and together.  And I just don't feel I have it in me to embrace being their momma today.  I am grateful they have each other to play with.  I just feel guilty for not wanting to join in on their fun.

I'm spent.

22 Weeks!!

22 weeks, 2 weeks away from viability.  Also 2 weeks away from the point when my water broke with Lucas and Caleb.

Baby Size:  11 inches, or a package of oreos.  Weighing just over a pound

Weight Gain: We'll go with 10 lbs, though not really sure

How I feel:  Pretty good.  My hips and lower back get sore, along with my tailbone.  The Charley horses have come back, but nothing I haven't dealt with before. 

Symptoms:  Just a little reflux.  I feel great.

Cravings:  Really really loved the fried tomatoes and meatballs last night. Anything with tomatoes right now is pretty high on my list.

Best Part of Week:  Feeling Simon's hiccups on a daily basis

Looking forward to: Heading home for a few days to visit family and Simon's first trip to the zoo. 


I really feel great.  The cough is pretty much gone and my energy is back.  I am excited for summer to start, and to be pregnant during this summer.  Simon has become a very active little boy.  He moves often, and is quite strong.  He seems to love to fun a leg or arm across the bottom of my belly.  He gets the hiccups often, and I LOVE that! He also isn't a fan of loud noises.  Yesterday during Colton's award ceremony, he jumped every time people started clapping.  Made for an active afternoon.

Last weekend was a busy weekend.  We were at a luau on Saturday.  There was a point when Kristan was talking to Baby S.  She was talking to her about Simon.  And every time she said his name, it just made my heart melt.  I truly love this baby boy, and everytime I hear his name, he just seems closer and closer.

Ethan has also began to tell the world about his baby brother.  It is so cute.  He'll walk up to a stranger, pat my belly and say, "My baby brother is in my mommy's tummy.  That's right, we're having another boy.  His name is Simon."  I love that so much!  I love that he is excited.

The end of last week was a little tough for me.  It was Ethan's last day of preschool.  As I was walking out with him, it really reminded me of when I left that church for the last time with Lucas and Caleb.  The same thoughts went through my head, though I tried to stifle them some. I kept thinking how short my time left with them was, and how I had no idea. 

Their birthday is looming close.  I am having some issues with guilt, as my heart doesn't feel as heavy right now as it was this time last year.  I know there are so many factors there, but it is hard.  We're not doing near what we did last year for their birthday, and I know that is normal.  Actually, I am not fully sure what we are doing.  I plan on taking lilies out to the lake again, this time with Colton and Ethan.  And I know we'll make some cupcakes.  I would like to finish their stone and flower garden. 

Along with Lucas and Caleb's birthday is also the 24 week mark of Simon's pregnancy.  It is less than a week later.  I am anxious about this milestone.  I want to just through it, and keep going.  I knew that these two dates, being so close together, could be the ingredients of the perfect storm.  The fact that I'm not having as hard a time as I thought I would scares me a bit.  It makes me wonder if it'll hit all at once, and hard.  Guess we'll find out.

Well, on to some pictures.

22 week belly shot. Looking a little round this week.

A picture in one of my favorite maternity shirts.   And one of the most comfortable pair of shorts I have.  

With every baby, we make them a stuffed animal at build-a-bear.  We started this with Colton.  Each of us in the family kisses a heart to put in the animal.  For Simon, Colton and Ethan added hearts with kisses for Lucas and Caleb.  This little guy has 6 hearts in him.  How's that for love??

We chose a chipmunk for Simon.  When Ethan first learned we had chosen the name Simon, he informed us, "Simon is a chipmunk, not a baby!"  Simon's nickname is chipmunk, given by Ethan.

18 Months

Dear Lucas and Caleb,

It seems like I just wrote your 17 month letter.  November flew by so quickly.  And I can't believe it's been 18 months since the two of you were born. 

My emotions have been a little mixed over this particula anniversary.  I really thought 18 months was going to be tougher than it has.  But not even the anticipation was as hard as expected.  It's hard to think, though that we are 18 months out from saying good-bye to the two of you.  Some days it seems farther than others.  Today has definitely been easier than 6 months.  Wow, I still remember that pain all too well.  And just for fun, here is your letter from this time last year. 

We have a very busy month ahead of us.  This Christmas will be different from last, but there will still be pain.  I expect it, really.  The two of you are with us all the time.

We love you, babies.  You are in our hearts, forever and always. 


Mommy

17 Months

Dear Lucas and Caleb,

Mommy is quite ill this week.  I want to write so much about this past month, but it will have to wait until I am feeling better.  Wanted to stop by and say thank you for visiting a few weeks ago, and send you your monthly letter.  Although it is rather short.  I will write more later.

Love you, babies!

16 Months

Dear Lucas and Caleb,

Well, it's been a crazy month.  Really super crazy!  Your big brothers have kept the family really busy with school and sports.  I've fallen in love with my crockpot all over again!  And I really am enjoying the business.  I am still having a hard time with Ethan being in school.  Although I am sure it's more the two of you not being here, my house being empty than it is him being in school.  I am just really not ready to be out of this season of my life, and I have some hope that I'm not completely out of it.

Something else that is brewing is that your cousin, Emily, is about to enter our world.  This is tough off and on for me.  I am sure you understand.  I bounce back and forth emotionally all the time about how I feel.  I really don't want to go into all the ugly details of my emotional roller coaster today, but will soon.  Just know that I think of the two of you when I think of her. 

We really miss you boys.  And we love you so very much!

An Anniversary Letter

To My Best Friend

To My Best Friend

I wrote this last year and wanted to share it again. Love you so much, Willy!!


Dear Willy,

I love you so much! Although we have only been married for four years, it seems like we've spent a lifetime together.

You are the most amazing man I have ever met! You love me for everything that I am. And I am grateful everyday that you chose me to be your wife and the mother of your children...(even though there were so many others to chose from.) hehe

I truly love everything about you. You make me laugh everyday. And you are always true to who you are.

We always have such a great time together and you remind me that life doesn't always have to be so serious. I have never had so much fun with anyone else.

And the love you have for me is so apparent. I love how you like to show me off to everyone. Not only am I proud to have found someone so amazing, but you let me know that you feel the same.

And I know that we will always be together. This year has been incredibly tough for us, but you have held my hand and been by my side for every single step of this journey. You bring to true meaning the words, "For better or worse. Through good times and bad."

The day we got married was absolutely beautiful. You make me feel like a princess everyday. And you told me I looked like one on our day.

Everyone was so happy that I married you. Grandpa always told Grandma that he didn't have to worry about me anymore, because he knew you would take care of me. I miss you, Grandpa!

You know I adore you so much! And I love the look in your eyes when you look at me. I can see all your love in your smile.

And even though we took a less traditional path in our lives together, we are doing it our way. And we love each other and we are teaching our kids how to love.

And how to dance through life.

I just had to add this picture of our cake. Your mom did such an amazing job. She put so much love into this cake.

I think one of the things I love most about you is your sense of humor, even though there's a lot of orneriness. (This is when instead of pulling out my garter, he pulled out a black bra....that belonged to my SIL...thanks Brandy and Steve for playing along, it really added to the memories)

And you have given me four beautiful boys.

Colton 04/18/06

Ethan 11/29/07

Caleb 06/01/10

Lucas 06/01/10

I know this year has been the toughest. Our marriage has been tested more than any marriage should have to. But we have stood together, strong, through it all. You have watched me change, and been so patient with me. And I know it has been hard to watch me hurt and that it hurts you, too. But know that I love you more than the world and that I always will. I admire your strength and patience. We have had some good dances together and I know that the future holds some more.
"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, but learning to dance in the rain" Anonymous

15 Months

Dear Lucas and Caleb,

Wow, 15 months since you've entered and left this world.  The number seems big to me.  Like a turning point or something is here or on it's way.  I don't have any idea why, just this feeling.

August was a good month, a busy one.  I turned 30, and celebrated in style with our closest friends who are really more family than friends.  I received my birthday card from the two of you. I have to say, you chose the right person to deliver it, thank you.  Colton started kindergarten.  The emotions around that event were alot like grief, which surprised me some.  And Ethan started preschool.  A much harder day(s) for me.  It still makes me tear up thinking that he is in preschool.  I feel the hole that was left when you died much more when I drop him off.  My house is emptier than it should be, and I am seriously not ready to leave this season of having children at  home yet. 

Today has been harder than the past couple of anniversaries, harder than some before your birthday, even.  I had some flashbacks early this morning.  I was up for over an hour trying to fight them off.  Then I was pulled over (for the very first time EVER) on the way to see Jamie for gunning it on a yellow light.  Only a warning, but I had Ethan in the back afraid I was going to jail.  Colton is even having a tough day today.  He decided the school lunch wasn't going to be good afterall, and just cried and cried.  His teacher (who is a total ROCKSTAR) called me and asked if I could bring a lunch in for him.  Then she let me talk to him.  He was still crying and all I could do was tell him I would get a lunch to him soon and that I loved him so very much.  A few minutes later I had to drop Ethan off, and that is as hard today as it was Tuesday. 

The tears have really flowed pretty freely today.  I know that the fact that I am tired and wiped out doesn't make things any easier.  I really just feel plain sad.   I miss you baby boys, very much so.  And once again I must say, "This just plain sucks.  There is no way around it."

Love you,
Mommy

Talking About...

Lucas and Caleb, Infant Death, Stillbirth, Healing, Grief

It's all different now.  Really, really different.  I still talk about my baby boys, but it's different.  I talk more about since they were born, or when they were born than I do the actual experience. Most days are good days now.  And on these days, their names innocently roll off my tongue without a second thought.  There is no lump in my throat, no tears trying to find their way out, but rather a smile on my face.

Twice in the past week I've talked to a distant acquantance.  When Lucas and Caleb have been brought up, they seemed more upset than I was feeling at the time.  Weird, really.  One friend was really desired to talk about them.  I really appreciate the sympathy, and the how she felt to talk about my Lucas and Caleb, I just felt a little weird.  Usually I am the one making people cry, but the words she shared with me brought tears to my eyes. The first tears I've cried for them in a couple weeks.

Life is quickly changing right now.  And my grief is changing once again right along with it.  And secretly I wonder  how my birthday will be this year.  Last year it was pretty cruddy with it being my 36 week mark, the point when Lucas and Caleb most likely would have been born.  I have thought very little about it this year, but the thought is there, without the anticipation.  Normally when I haven't anticipated emotional pain, I have suffered quite a bit.  Like on New Years Eve, that was a doozy!

I met a little girl (8 or9) today whose mother died a month ago.  I wanted to reach out and comfort her.  Tell her how much it all sucks and that one day she'll find a few pieces to this puzzle.  But I realized that even though I know alot about death and grief, I know squat about where she is at.  All I could do was think about how awful it would be for Colton and Ethan to lose me.  It broke my heart that she has to feel this intense pain at such a young age.  I hope she finds Lost and Found, or that I see her grandmother again to suggest the organization.  Afterall, I do remember the slight change in carried weight when someone shared with me, and offered to help.

14 Months

Dear Baby Boys,

I am still counting the months.  Although the other day it crossed my mind that it has been 15, then I realized only 14 months since the two of you were born.  Today is probably the easiest first of the month that I've had, yet.  Though Colton wasn't here this morning for my hug and conversation that we usually have on the first. 

The two of you have been on mind the past couple days a little more.  I have thought about what we would be doing in all this heat with four boys in the house.  Or when I took Colton in for his stitches, I thought about how crazy it would have been if you two were there instead of James and Thomas.  There are first birthdays coming up within the church and it hits my heart that if all had gone right, we'd being trying to play party dates around each other. 

The month was pretty good.  The heat is really wearing on us all.  We can only do so much outside the house, especially when Colton isn't allowed to swim right now.  There have been some really good days, weeks, and then a few harder ones.  I still feel the shift I felt last month, only at times the two of you seem really far away now.  I feel like I am in a tug of war with time. 

August is going to be a busy and crazy and emotional month.  I have, in a way, dreaded this month since you were born.  Colton starts kindergarten, Ethan starts pre-school, and I have time by myself.  I was supposed to have two babies to still be caring for during the days.  Now it's just me, and I really have a hard time with it at moments. I hoping this is like all other grief related dates.  The anticipation is much worse than the actuality of it all.

To end on a happier note.  Daddy saw dragonflies all over the backyard on Saturday and told me it was so neat and wished I had been there to see it also.   And Ethan asked the other night at dinner how many babies were going to come out of my tummy.  I have to love that boy.  Even though we're not expecting another baby, he is looking to the future.  I also love how everytime Colton and Ethan go to Grandma's house, they always take your monkeys with them.  We all love and miss you, my sweet baby boys.

Mommy

P.S.  A few hours after writing this letter to you, I called Grandma to talk about some new PTA stuff.  She had me talk to Colton for a moment.  He gets on and says, "When I get home can we talk about Lucas and Caleb."  I truly am amazed by this boy.  He always knows.

Happy 13 Months Sweet Babies

Lucas and Caleb,

Well, we've made it through the first month of the second year.  This past month has really been a transitional month.  We've been busy, super busy.  And I feel that things are beginning to come back together.  I still think of the two of you everyday, and miss you everyday.  But more and more your memories bring me smiles instead of tears. 

We went to Columbus, OH this month to visit great-grandma June.  Grandpa Tim went with us and we really had a great time.  Colton and Ethan have both been to VBS, and we've been to tons of parks and such.  We spend a lot of time outside when the heat isn't brutal.  This June has been so very different from last June.  For that I am grateful.

I'm not sure when I'll stop with the monthly letters.  It's possible I'll always write them.  This 1st is just your day of the month.  Colton woke up this morning and asked to talk about you as soon as I sat next to him on the couch.  Love that boy.  He also know that this is your day every month.

I really don't have tons to say today.  We all love and miss you, and know you are with us always. 

Mommy

Happy 1st Birthday, Lucas and Caleb

Dear Lucas and Caleb,

Well, boys, today is your First Birthday. I am sure you are surrounded in Heaven by your friends and lots of birthday cake. (Happy Birthday to your friend, Jacob, also) We miss you down here, and I hate that we're not getting you ready for your birthday party.

We have a lot of things planned in your memory today. I am excited to share pictures. That's right, I wrote excited. You see, the past week has been really hard building up to this day. But we have so many wonderful ways to celebrate your short little lives, that I feel some peace. I know that there will be tears today (they're trying to come out now), but there will also be some good memories made.

I can't believe it has been a year. I remember not being able to think past a day or two, let alone a month. But I've survived a year with you in Heaven, a year on this grief journey. The two of you have changed me in ways I can't even begin to explain. I am so proud to be your mommy.

As each special time passes, a little bit of weight leaves me. At 8:30 when we learned you were gone, Lucas. The flashbacks hit so fierce, then just disappeared. I will never forget the look on Dr. M's face. Then again at 12:54am. I replayed scenes for about 20 minutes before. The hustle, the fear, my mom and sister coming in, and them cutting of my bra for surgery. (I know that is a funny detail.) I remember being terrified of your Daddy not being there and not getting to tell him that I love him. Having him by my side last night was more comforting that I could ever describe. Now to make it to 2:36am tomorrow. I am sure more weight will leave and I will find a new peace, a little bit of closure.

This time last year I was lying in Labor and Delivery, holding your body close, Lucas, trying to show him off to anybody who walked through the door. I don't know how many people came in that day, and how many left a little unsure. The pride of a mom is always there, and I was proud of my baby boy. Caleb, you were fighting for your life in the NICU. I hadn't seen you yet, but Daddy and Grandpa Tim had. I would get to meet you shortly after 5, when I was able to get up and into a wheelchair. It was hard to see you there so still, hooked up to so many wires and tubes. But the nurses were gentle with you.

Many are thinking of you today, boys. Just as they were last year. You have touched so many people's lives in so many ways. You are so loved and so missed every moment of every day.

Mommy

And so it begins...

I am quickly approaching the last time we heard Lucas' heartbeat. 5:23pm, it was 164 and he was moving around. My heart is beginning to break all over right now.

So far today has been slightly up and down. No major meltdowns, and some smiles. But that is all changing now. I can now feel all the weight holding me down. I feel like I am beginning to drown some. My mind is suddenly replaying every moment of the 31st last year. The countdown to 48 hours.

Soon Mike and Dru would be coming by with the boys to visit. They left the boys with Willy so they could start their new routine. After 6:00pm the critical time passed, and Willy needed to get some sleep in his own bed. The plan was for him to work from home part-time. Kristan would be able to come if I needed her to and Jill would soon be over so I wouldn't be alone for long. I was surrounded by so many during this time, and for that I am grateful.

I will always hate that I sent Willy home. I will always hope that he never feels guilty for not being there when we learned that Lucas died, and again when I went in for my c-section. And I will never forget those moments when our eyes met, and his heart broke for me, and for our sons. I will never fully understand how he feels, but I love him for feeling the way he does.

I have no idea what this time has in store for us, but it's off to a rough start. I am sure I will write here often, just to share different things over the next day or so. I am so grateful for this place. I can't believe this time is already here. The next 32 hours are reminders of everything we went through. Lucas dying, the c-section, seeing my Caleb for the first time, finding out there was no more hope, holding both my babies together, and losing our second son in two days.I miss you, my babies.

200 POSTS!!!

In the midst of all this darkness, I have hit a sunny day and MY 200th POST!!!!!! I cannot believe I have shared my life 200 times with the world in just over a year. WOW! You all have been through the good and bad, fun and sad, joyous and hard times with me. I have been consistently surrounded by your love and support. If it weren't for this space and all of you, I have no doubt I would be in a much darker place. Thank you everyone for everything! This post is the last one to comment on (here or on facebook) for the give-a-way. I will be randomly selecting names sometime this upcoming week.

Also, I want to think Kristin Cook for this amazing idea. As a way to remember Lucas and Caleb during their three days (May31-June2), I am asking friends and family to perform a random act of kindness and share it either here, on facebook (I created an event), or email (familyofearls@gmail.com). At the end of the week, I will post them all (anonymously). I really look forward to seeing all the greatness!!!!

I am actually doing pretty good right now. I had a breakdown in church this morning. But my family there is amazing and helped me through it. I feel safe there. And I feel so much better having just let it out. There are others there who have lost and it's so nice to be surrounded be people who understand on similar levels.

Tomorrow is Memorial Day, the DAY Lucas passed away. We have planned a really fun family day, a way to keep busy and enjoy the blessings I have in my husband, Colton, and Ethan. I have pictures from last year I want to post that were taken on the 30th. Since this is a happy post, it will wait until morning. That will also help me get the grief out of the way for the day.

Again, thank you everyone for continuing to make this place a special space for me and my babies. Thank you for your love, prayers, thoughts, and support this past year. I am amazed every day by the wonderful people in my family's lives.

Memorial Weekend Saturday

I changed the format of comments, hopefully making it easier to comment. I've received messages that comments aren't posting on several blogs recently. It'll come up as a pop up window.

I am not sure how I feel today. I guess I can say I feel better than I thought I would, but that probably means it'll really suck tomorrow. Or it could be that I have avoided these thoughts thus far this morning, and I'm about to be hit by a truck, make it a train.

First, this is the anniversary, 5/28, of the last post I wrote while pregnant with Lucas and Caleb. I was so happy. I was completely clueless. Although I honestly feel that deep down inside, in a place I didn't want to visit, I knew these babies were not for this world.

Today, this Saturday, is the Saturday it all began to go downhill, quickly. We woke up like normal, and spent the morning planning our holiday weekend. It was going to be low-key since I was to take it easy. I had bought a maternity belt the night before and it made a HUGE difference in how I felt. We headed to the mall around 10:00 to meet a couple who we were buying a play yard for off craigslist. We already have one, but wanted another to let the twins play in as they became more mobile. We placed it in the back of the van, chatted about expecting two more little boys with the couple who had chosen to stop with one.

We had some lunch, then headed to the McGregor pool to meet Kristan and her boys. It was definitely a warm day and the first day the pool was open. We arrived and there were grandparents there with two sets of twin grandchildren. One set was boy/boy and the other boy/girl. They lived across the street and said that they brought them over often when giving the parents a break. We talked about how special twins were, and how much fun it was going to be. We probably talked for 20 minutes about it. I was happy, excited, ready for it all.

We all sat in the pool and enjoyed the cool water. Willy played with the three older boys, and Thomas hung out with Kristan and I. I was enjoying the weightlessness-ish of being in the pool. Lucas was flipping around and Caleb was kicking and pushing my ribs on the right. He hung out there alot. I gently rubbed him a little to make it more comfortable. We did this alot. He'd kick and push around my ribs and I would give him some love. Then he would stretch out and get more comfortable.

After leaving the pool, we headed home for naptime. The boys went upstairs to sleep and I took my post on the couch, close to the bathroom. I fell asleep quickly, and Willy played a game on the computer. At about 2:30 I felt a spurt of wetness. I jumped up and went to the bathroom. I didn't know what it was, but feared my water had began to leak. I had read about it some, but didn't really want to believe it. Maybe Lucas had just pushed heavily down on my bladder or something. We decided to keep an eye on it.

Nothing else really happened for a couple hours so we headed out to Mike and Dru's to drop the kids off for the night. We were there about 20 minutes when I went to the bathroom and noticed some pink. I immediately became scared, knowing what this probably meant. We left the boys and headed to the hospital. We talked on the way there about what this could mean. They would simply admit me and keep me in the hospital for 12 more weeks. We would have to re-arrange things with Colton and Ethan. Mike and Dru would help with them and some stuff around the house, and Willy would work from home a few days a week. We had this.

We arrived at the hospital and lay in triage for what seemed like hours. They had a hard time determining whether or not my water had broke. They did an ultrasound and measured Lucas and Caleb. They measured right on track, 3 ounces apart. They couldn't find the sac line with this machine, but both babies were swimming freely around. After a few hours, and several tests, a tech popped her head in to tell the nurse that one of my bags had ruptured.

I will never forget the way I felt at that very moment. Up until that moment I had hoped with all I had that it was something silly. But this was really happening. We asked the nurse what it meant. She said they would admit me for the rest of my pregnancy. She said that they have women who come in and stay the last 12-16 weeks of their pregnancies and they have healthy, full-term babies. I took a deep breath and made phone calls while waiting for the on-call doctor to come in with the plan.

Dr. N came in and checked me to make sure I wasn't dilating or anything. We talked some about my pregnancy. She told me she had 10 month twin boys at home and that we were in for some fun when we brought Lucas and Caleb home. She told the nurses to start me on steroids and that I needed to be using a bedpan. She then said the first 48 hours were critical. If I could get the steroids in me for 48 hours, they would help with lung and brain maturity. And if I didn't go into labor, then we would be on a much safer side of all this. We needed to get them to 25 weeks and 2 lbs for them to have a much higher chance of surviving, and much lower chance of complications. I thought, "No problem." We got this.

We settled in for the night. A night with little sleep, but full of hope for the next several weeks.

I can't believe this weekend is already here. I have been pulling away from it for so long. I can't believe how much changed. I wish more than anything in the world that it all ended differently. I wish I knew, really knew, that babies die. I don't think I enjoyed those last days with them as much as I could have. I loved them, talked to them all the time, but I also watched the clock, groaned about using the bedpan. I would have taken more pictures, requested to watch them longer on ultrasounds.