Grief Always Finds Me

(Dana N. the details of the dream below might be hard for you. Just wanted to give you a head's up)

I've been doing GREAT lately. Like really, really good. It's been two weeks since I have cried for my Lucas and Caleb. The last I remember crying for them was when I was sharing part of my testimony to my bible study group. I have felt this calm, this peacefulness, that I had forgotten existed. And I was thinking yesterday how great this seems to be. I know that next week is 10 months, and in 10 weeks is one year. WOW!!!

Then last night I dreamed. The dream was scary. I was at the OB's office with Willy, the boys, and Willy's parents. We announced to them there that I was expecting again. I went in for an ultrasound and Dr. L. asked me how far along I was. I answered with 20-21 weeks. She then asked me to remove my clothes. I thought it was weird, but obliged. She then reached down and pulled the baby out. No warning, nothing! The baby had bands around it's limbs and torso. It's fingers were only little stubs, and the face not really formed yet. I was devastated. I wondered how I was going to tell everyone we had lost another baby. Dr. L. didn't really say anything other than I'm sorry.

This dream has kind of stuck with me through the day. The image of the baby is plastered to my mind. I'm not sure what has brought this on. I am sure grief is missing me. And me going off birth control soon (no we aren't TTC, just having problems) probably adds to it. But I feel a little lost all of a sudden. I like how I fabulous I feel, but the guilt of doing so well is starting to creep in. Go figure. And then there is the knowledge that this greatness just can last.