Moving Backwards

I find myself moving backwards over the past week. I had been doing really well up until let's say Monday morning. Even before I found out about Amy's baby. I had been having 3 or 4 good days before having a really hard one. And my hard days weren't too hard, just the type of days when the tears fell freely and the pain was a little closer.

But now it feels like I have to pump myself every morning to just smile. I'm not full out depressed, I'm just really sad again. Like I was the week after we lost Lucas and Caleb. I need major doses of caffeine to come alive and not be close to tears all day. And it really kind of sucks. I don't like feeling like this at all.

I know tons of things happened this past week that could have added to this, but I honestly believe that it is the calendar that is working against me. I realized on Friday that I should have been 31 weeks pregnant. 31 weeks. That is 5 weeks until they would most likely be here. It's been creeping up and now it's like a bull rushing at me. Maybe I'm not doing as well as I thought. Or maybe this is the way all mom's who lost their babies before full-term feel at this point.

I honestly think that I am going to give myself until Wednesday to be feeling better. I might have to call my doctor for some help just to get me past my due date. Because I really feel like I am no longer making progress in my healing, but moving backwards.

A Great Idea

Our hospital was really great when we lost Caleb and Lucas. They gave us a pre-made memory box for each of the boys. They each had the basics in them. Bracelets with their names, hats they wore, blankets they were wrapped in, and a journal to write in. I am sure they have a checklist with items to include and things to do for us. They even filled out a nice "recognition of birth" certificate for Lucas since he was stillborn. (another story for another day) And we have the pictures they took of our boys along with a c.d.

We even received a binder full of information. There was details about our local chapter of M.E.N.D. Information on how to tell Colton and Ethan. Pamphlet on grief and counseling if we need it. And a whole slew of other information that we just might need at some point. But the one thing that was missing is information for friends and family.

I honestly believe that friends and family need handouts also. Many don't know what to say unless they have traveled this road. And there's tons of stuff out there that can be given to them. I know those around me had the best intentions, but a few kind of went in the wrong directions. I don't really hold it against them, but it didn't help my pain or anger any. If they had a piece of paper of things NOT to say or do, it would be so helpful.

And let's throw in an article explaining why bereaved parents lash out and say and act the way they do. That it's normal to react like some insane and irrational child. Because we just lost our baby(ies) and we are raw inside. We very often don't mean to hurt anyone. We don't mean to alienate them.

So to do my part to help the family and friends of parents who have lost their babies, I am adding a tab up top with links to articles and posts that will be of assistance. I hope that they are useful. And if anyone wants me to add something, let me know and I will get it added. And for the babylost parents, check out the link below. You'll appreciate it.

P.S. I'm not angry or upset with anyone. And I don't hold it against anyone who may have said anything that hurt me or upset me. I just know that some of my friends and family had no idea what to say or what to do to help. And I really understand that. It wasn't too long ago that I didn't know how to help a friend who had lost their baby.

http://www.missfoundation.org/cherish/remarks.html

Remember

I saw this the other day and really wanted to share it:

Remember
Go ahead and mention my child,
The one that died, you know.
Don't worry about hurting me further.
The depth of my pain doesn't show.
Don't worry about making me cry.
I'm already crying inside.
Help me to heal by releasing
The tears that I try to hide.
I'm hurt when you just keep silent,
Pretending she didn't exist.
I'd rather you mention my child,
Knowing that she has been missed.
You asked me how I was doing.
I say "pretty good" or "fine".
But healing is something ongoing
I feel it will take a lifetime.
~ Elizabeth Dent ~

It Was Hiding...

Yesterday was a hard day...and it shouldn't have been. It wouldn't have been under normal circumstances. You know, if only we hadn't lost Caleb and Lucas. I have jumped back and forth about writing this. The friend I am referencing in this post will probably read this also. And I want her to know that I love her so much. And I am honestly thrilled for her. I just need to share this and how I feel with the rest of the community. I know I'm not alone in how I feel.

I have been doing really well over the past couple of weeks. I have been able to see pregnant women, be around most babies, and even some twins without crying and running away. A smile even pops up once in awhile. A distant friend even announced her pregnancy early last week on facebook and I sent her congrats. I thought I was headed in the right direction.

Then yesterday I ran into a brick wall. One of those that you can't get around. It stops you in your tracks, and hard. A close friend whom I've know for over three years told me she was pregnant. She sent me an e-mail because we just couldn't seem to be able to get together. I read the words, "I'm pregnant" and the tears just poured out. I couldn't explain it. I really felt excited for her. But all the pain I felt 6 long weeks ago came flying back. It was the raw pain. I felt all that hurt all over again. It seemed so fresh. And the thought came....I really lost my boys. How did all this happen?

I hated myself for how I felt. I hated my reaction. I hated that at a time when I should be jumping with joy, I was crying hysterically almost to the point of hyperventilating. I honestly haven't cried that hard in weeks. And I didn't get it. How could I be around other friend's who are pregnant? But I just couldn't handle this friend announcing hers. And now I think I might understand. Her being pregnant means this is all real. We had talked so many times about trying last fall. She was still on the fence when Willy and I decided it was time. And now she is pregnant and I am not. I was, but now I'm not. I lost Caleb and Lucas. And I pray with all I have that her pregnancy has a better end. I pray that she brings home her healthy baby early next year. And I guess this is just one of those steps we all as babylost parents have to take as we heal and learn to cope.

And I feel better today. I slept well last night and now I can look how I feel. Excited and thrilled for her. Colton and Ethan will have another playmate. Her son will get to be a big brother. And he'll be a great one.

I Know What You Are Hiding...

Three posts in one day....it's a busy day.
I know what hides in this envelope. And it will remain hiding for quite sometime. I don't know if I will ever open it. It's the final proof that this isn't a nightmare of some sort. No parent should ever have to look at this. Maybe one day I'll be ready. Or I may never be. And I know that is perfectly okay. I really miss my babies.
This Sucks!!!!!

P.S. Thank you Willy for being strong enough to get in this envelope to fill out the needed paperwork. I truly love you!

A Fun Weekend

This past weekend we went to Washington, MO for a wedding and a visit to Six Flags. It was a really great trip and we had tons of fun! I am so glad we went and I look forward to going back for my 10 year reunion next month.

Saturday morning the boys woke up and wanted to eat breakfast on Grandpa Tim's back patio.

We went to Michelle's wedding and Ethan was getting tired. He actually slept through the ceremony.

That evening I took Colton to my old elementary school to play on the playground. They still have most of the equipment there that I used to play on. And he loved it!

On Sunday we went to Six Flags. We rode rides and played in the water park.

And we found this on the side of the restroom by the Ninja and thought it was a great place for a picture. Even though most days it still feels weird taking a family picture, I was okay with it today. After all, Caleb and Lucas are always with us.

How Daddy Shines

Dear Caleb and Lucas,

Today marks six weeks since you were born. The sun has been shining and I am feeling pretty good today. We miss you so much!!

Yesterday was a really hard day. I woke up with The Cloud of Doom over my head. Within an hour I learned baby Zaylond had been lost. I cried so hard. And I knew he was with the two of you.

Your Daddy is such an amazing man! He shows me once in awhile how much he misses you and loves you. I know you know he does, but sometimes I like to be reminded. I honestly don't know how I would have survived through all this without him.

You see, on the day the two of you were born, your Grandma Dru gave Daddy three gold coins to use at a vending machine for a much needed snack. He noticed one of them was dated 2010. He decided to keep it and carry it with him daily. He wants to have it engraved with your names one day. It is something he carries with him all the time to remember you by.


He told me this yesterday as he was putting his wallet and other coins into his pocket. As he was explaining this to me, he got choked up. I cried. Your Daddy is so wonderful and thoughtful. He has been so strong for me through all this. To get a glimpse of his raw emotion along with the explanation of the coin reminds me how amazing he is. And I truly hate that the two of you aren't here so he can show you. He loves you so much! We all do!


Love,

MOMMY