Never Too Long

There has been alot that I have learned in the past 19 months.  Learning seems to be a constant process with grief. 

Today has been a hard day.  Grief found its opening and barrelled its way through.  I thought I could fend it off for a little while, but the more I fought, the more I lost.  And I have to say I learned today that Lucas and Caleb are never too far away.  Their births and deaths will never be too long ago.  For anyone who is 6 months, a year, a year and a half out, please please know this to be true.  It will always be okay for you to miss your babies, for you to have days when the pain is raw and you feel frustrated with it all.

I am so very grateful for all the friends I have been blessed with.  The friends who don't tell me I should get over it, it's been almost two years.  The friends who encourage me to let the tears fall and who shower me with as much love and support as they did 19 months ago.  They help me realize that it is okay to still feel this incredible pain.  They welcome me to share it.  I really don't know how different I would be if it weren't for the amazing people I am surrounded by.

 Thank you, all of you!

Well....

Today's test was negative.  I first felt defeated, then it was just swept away.  It is still pretty early to test, even with an early detection pee-stick.  I thought I would do some of my own research, and found that there really is no surprise that it tested negative.  With me ovulating on day 16 of my cycle, my testing this morning is, according to their standards, like testing 5 days before my expected period.  Well, wish I would have known that several hours ago. 

Anyway, I feel like I am still in the running for this month.  I feel good today about it all.  There is little anxiety, and I know that I can't control any of it.  So I'm just going to sit back, enjoy the next couple of days, and see what happens.  If not this month, then next.

Caving In

Baby Cinco,

I feel farely confident you are a ball of cells in there growing right about  now.  My breasts are tender and I just feel off.  My breasts never feel tender around my period, so I figure it has to be baby hormones.  I am hoping.  I had originally planned to wait until day 31 to test, as that is the longest cycle I've had in six months.  But I am anxious, as always, so I'll be testing tomorrow (day 26) with a First Response test.  If it's negative, then I'll be disappointed and ready to wait again for next month.

If it's positive (feeling pretty good about that) then I'll of course be ecstatic!  I am so ready for all this. 

I spent the day with grandma today while scrapbooking.  I think she knows something is up. She kept asking questions that easily could have led to us TTC and stuff.  I did quite well fending them off, but it was torture. I want to share the happiness of where we are with her so bad.  But that would ruin the surprise of her finding out.  I get that.

Well, I'll be back tomorrow either way. 

Snickers and Snow

I have posted many pictures of Snickers on here.  The dog is crazy, that is for sure.  He LOVES to chew on rawhides.  It was at the point where he was eating one every three days.  That adds up in the money department.  We thought we would get one of mammoth sized ones for him to see how long it would last.  He loves it.  He was so excited when we brought it home that he hopped in circles around it.

It is a rule, no bones on the furniture.  I caught this the other morning.

We finally saw some snow yesterday morning. The kids were wired, along with their mama.  It was super cold, but I let them play out for 5 minutes while the van warmed up. 

It took 30 seconds for Colton to form a snowball.  And he was aiming for me.

This year is going to be fun.  Both boys get it.  They had a snowball fight outside, and were laughing the whole time.  Just warms me up.

Hello

Baby Cinco,
So, I have to write somewhere...and I really hope that I can figure out how to import all these posts into our family blog when we announce to the world we are expecting you.  As of now, I don't know if you are currently forming inside of me, but I truly feel the need to write to you. 

A few weeks ago, your daddy and I talked and agreed we would begin trying to conceive.  This was HUGE!!!!  I've wanted this for so long and there were truly times when I didn't believe it was going to happen.  The excitement I feel on a daily basis is impossible to describe.

Now, 7 days into the 2 week wait, my mind often wonders to you.  Are you in there, growing every day?  In a few weeks will I get to hear your heartbeat for the first time?  Or will it be a few more months before you come to be?  I am really trying to be patient with all of this, but geez.

I have prayed for you for months.  I have prayed for you to be here, to be healthy, and just plain alive.  The reality of the baby loss world really sucks at times, especially in the place I am in right now.  I know what can, and does, happen.  And I know it's not just a one time thing for every mom.  I worry about you already.  I am really trying to trust the Lord in all this.  And I know there are so many who are close to me praying for you also.  Some days are easier than others. 

I hope writing here will help some with all of this.  I am  getting ready to launch a new support site for moms experiencing subsequent births and raising their rainbow babies.  I have so many dreams and ideas for this site.  I really hope it takes off well.  You help give me inspiration for this, sweet baby.  Thank you!

Lovingly yours,
Mommy

How it's Going

It is so nice to be back into our routine!  Both boys are back in school, activities are running, and bible study has started back up.  I love the predictability of our days and week.  I am enjoying cooking every night and am currently busy re-stocking our freezer with meals. We ate many that we had during December, so it's looking a little bare.

Believe it or not, I have yet to turn on my camera in 2012.  Not really sure what is up with that, but in realizing it I am going to take some just for fun shots this week.  It's really weird for me to not have my camera in tow.

I can sense grief trying to find it's way in right now.  I feel really good emotionally, but every once in awhile, tears creep in for no reason.  A sad thought brushes my mind and I know it wouldn't take much for he bucket of tears to pour.  It's really weird, thouh.  I don't feel like I am fighting off grief, just that it's around the corner somewhere.  I've been really distracted, both emotionally and physically.  I am grateful for this.  But I also know that most of the time, the longer grief stays away, the harder it hits. So, really, I am just kind of waiting.  Not really an active when-is-the-other-shoe-going-to-fall kind of wait, but more I just know it's there, lurking in the shadows.

In general, though, we are doing pretty well.  Everyone is healthy, and the year is off to a pretty good (and promising) start! 

New Look

As a Christmas gift (a little late) to Lucas and Caleb, I am changing the look of the blog once again.  I found one with a dragonfly and it just looks rather perfect.  Please excuse the different mixed looks while we are under construction.  When it's done, it will be fabulous!

I am also updating my blog lists on either side.