Going Through the Motions

Yesterday was my OB interview.  The appointment when you go in, discuss insurance, medical history, and they take several vials of blood.  This is the fourth OBi we've been to.  Always I have been bubbling over with excitement as they said, "Congratulations!"  This time not so much.  It was more like, "Thanks, we're excited." in a almost there kind of tone.

My heart is guarded.  Heavily armored, guarded.  I don't feel the excitement I did the first week.  I know some of this is the all-day-long nausea that has found its way in, but I also know some of it is fear.  I'm afraid of my heart breaking all over again.  Just as soon as I am feeling more confident about this pregnancy, I start to spot a little. Just enough to dampen my hopes some.

I feel like I am just going through the motions of this pregnancy.  I'm just not convinced that we will get to keep this baby.  I want this baby, Baby Cinco, so very bad.  And right now I am so grateful for every single unpleasent symptom. They all tell me that my levels are increasing, which means there is most likely a baby growing in there.  But the doubt creeps in every once in awhile.

We have another ultrasound on Wednesday.  I can't believe it's almost been two weeks.  I'll be 7 weeks 3 days by their count.  That means that I should walk away with more definite knowledge.  Either way there will be tears.  And either way I will be ready for the news.

Harder Than I Imagined

Wow, yesterday was awful.  I woke up with a slap in the face by grief and then more spotting.  The tears followed, the fear of everything ending came flooding in.  I called my dr as instructed the day before and waited for the call back.  When my nurse called me back, she offered an ultrasound to check things out.  She asked if it would make me feel better, and I honestly answered with, "I don't know."  She said it might and scheduled one for 1:00.

Then I cried some more.  I was terrified of going in and seeing that something was wrong.  I was terrified of finding out that the baby had died already, or that there was an ectopic pregnancy, or just any of the stories I know about.  And grief just compounded it all.

Well, I went in, they turned on the screen, and we saw a sac.  No baby.  I panicked.  The ultrasound tech was quiet and started measuring.  She then said in a reassuring tone, not to worry.  I was measuring 5w3d, and at that gestation, a sac is all you'll see.  I did the math, that's 5 days difference in my dating.  So I began to fear again. What if the baby quit growing at 5w3d and that is why I am measuring this?  What if it's a blighted ovum?  What if, what if, what if???  She continued to take pictures and measurements and sound reassuring.  When she finished, I waiting for my nurse, W. 

W came and got me and gave me a hug.  We talked, she tried to make me feel better and said all could still be okay.  Dr. L came in and we went over it all.  She was honest about what we saw and tried to come up with everything she could to reassure me that everything could be okay.  She also gave me the rundown of what could be going on and diagnosed my spotting as threatened miscarriage.  She said we really need to wait two more weeks for another scan to get me over the 7 week mark.  So wait I will do.

I feel better about things today.  Grief made it's exit and I am feeling like things are going to be okay.  I know that the u/s measurements and dating could make some other things with the pregnancy make sense, so that is what I am going with.  I knew this pregnancy was going to be tough at times, but I really had no idea it would be like this.  I don't think anyone can ever be prepared for a subsequent pregnancy and all that comes with it, especially one that starts off on a bumpy road.  This is hard, but it's another journey I must walk.  But it makes me miss my little boys that much more.

This isn't my u/s pic, but it is exactly what I saw yesterday.  It was very reassuring to find this, though.

01/31/12

I am having flashbacks.  My due date with this baby is one week after Lucas and Caleb's due date. This adds just a little more to the emotional factor.  I was in church on Sunday, and was talking to someone about this pregnancy, while remembering so well having a a very similar conversation the same time two years ago.  One week.  That is really not much of a difference.  I knew, going into last cycle that if we conceived, that they would be close.  I didn't really plan on it being like this, though.  It's hard.  There are some holidays and events coming up where I was pretty much as pregnant during them two years ago.  And it tugs on the heart.

I miss my babies.  Being pregnant with Cinco is great, and I love every moment of it, but at times it makes me miss Lucas and Caleb more.  I know this pregnancy is going to be an emotional roller coaster, and I am ever so grateful for everyone walking it with me.  Every little thing is going to send my mind rushing to damage control.  But they will also send me to my knees.  I spend a lot of time praying.  Thanking the Lord for this baby, and asking for Him to let me keep Cinco.   It helps knowing that I'm not the only one praying. 

On other news, Colton received a blue stripe on his white belt in martial arts for knowing all the kicks for his belt test.  I am proud of this kid.  He had thought about quitting, then suddenly decided to stick with it a while longer.  He's doing really well.  And he tested for his instructor by himself in front of ten other kids.  Pretty amazing to watch my 5 year old do that!

Here We Go

Trigger following...

I have thought over and over about when and how to write this.  My creativity isn't flowing very well, so I thought this will be it.

Willy and I are expecting again!  We are super excited!  Due date is Sept. 24th which makes me almost 6 weeks pregnant.  The pregnancy has had a rocky start, but it seems as though everything is settling down. 

I have been keeping a seperate blog for the past month or so and will be importing it here.  The tag for those posts will be Cinco, as we are calling this baby Baby Cinco.

This blog has transformed many times.  I really want to share about this pregnancy on here.  This place is my place to share about me and my family.  I hate to think that I may lose some readers, and I am sorry for that.  I will miss those of you who find it hard to come here.  I am sure not all posts will be about the new baby, but many will.

There is also another project that I have been working on that I hope to share with all of you next week.  I am super excited about and can't wait to share!

The Best Number

568

That is my HCG level as of this morning.  Yesterday's was 390.  The goal is for it to double every 48 hours.  568 is just under half of double, which is what we were looking for.  It means Baby Cinco is growing and healthy.  After two days of spotting and complete fear, I have relief.  I know she/he is doing well and there is little to worry about when it comes to the spotting.

I cannot put into words the fear I have felt since seeing the first blood on Sunday morning.  My heart was crushed instantly.  I went through all the stages of grief within a few hours.  I put myself on the couch and waited to see what and how it was happening.

I called my Dr L first thing Monday morning only to learn she was out for the week, along with my nurse W.  The nurse I talked to hadn't seen my chart and was a ltitle hateful.  She sent me to Urgent Care for a Beta-HCG test.

There I met Dr. V.  This woman is AMAZING!!!!  We went through the basic questions and she asked about previous pregnancies.  I told her about Lucas and Caleb and there were tears from both her and I.  She then shared that she is 12 weeks pregnant and apologized for losing her composure.  I assured her it was okay.  At that point she put her charts down and asked to pray for me.  I was shocked.  Most doctors won't act on this, but she did.  And I was/am grateful.

After all this, I feel better about everything.  I am now on complete pelvic rest with light duty orders.  Willy is absolutely wonderful, helping out a ton.  He also bought Baby Cinco a froggie toy the other night.

We will be telling other people over the next couple of days.  We feel that after the blood tests that things are in a good spot to be sharing with those closer to us.  I hope to post an announcement post on the main blog soon.  At that point I will import these posts to it as well.  

Excitement!

Baby Cinco,

I cannot, CANNOT, describe the excitement that is felt by so many people.  I am so in love with you already!  We told grandma today.  She cried.  Like really cried super happy tears.  You are a very much wanted baby.   Some day I will try to get a picture of how we told her.  Just know for now, that it was our best form of pregnancy announcement yet.  YAY!

I had a short time of fear and doubt this morning.  It just crept in so quickly and I couldn't fight it off. After talking with Dana for a few minutes, I felt better.  Just think I needed to get the fears out in the open and let some tears fall.  This could be a hard journey, but I am so ready for it.

I have also decided to quit using Google to search for things.  Nothing good can really come from it.  Better off leaving it to God.  I am trying so hard to completely trust Him, but not quite there.  It's hard to let go of the need to try and control it all.

Just a few more days until I can get in for my beta testing.  Whoot whoot!!

You Are Here

Baby Cinco,

After a very confusing week, I (or dollar store tests) have confirmed that you are here, inside me, and growing.  I am so excited, my heart almost leaps out of my chest at times.  I have a hard time really believing it here and there. 

One of three Dollar Store tests.  This was taken Jan 19 on Day 30, 13 Days DPO

The anxiety hasn't completely kicked in.  I  have moments where I fear you may not be with us for long.  It's so early and the 6 hours of bleeding on Tuesday weighs heavily at times.  I try to tell myself that I need to enjoy every moment of knowing  you are here.

You are such a loved and wanted baby. So many people have prayed for you and will continue to so.  I feel so blessed to have the amazing support I have surrounding me through all this.

The symptoms I am having at this time are:  My breasts are sore and almost hurt at times, I am crazy gassy at night, reflux is plaguing me in the evenings, and my sense of smell is off.

I will start weekly photos next week.  I  have a great idea (thank you pinterest) for these pictures.

Cautiously Optimistic,
Mommy