Tough

This title is a good one. It's tough to find the words for this post, let alone a title for it. It's tough to write this post, and it's going to be tough for those that read it.

My dear friend, Amy, lost her son Zaylond last Thursday. She called me this morning to let me know. She was 28 weeks along and went in for a scheduled appointment. They couldn't find the heartbeat with the doppler and confirmed her worst nightmare with an ultrasound. They induced labor and she gave birth to her beautiful son that evening. My heart goes out to her and her family. She has a son, Leighton, that turns 1 on the 21st of this month.

I met Amy through the Young Parents Mentoring Program a year and half ago. Although we graduated the program in March, we have kept in touch. I really enjoyed being her mentor and enjoyed her friendship more.

I remember how it took 3 weeks for me to be able to call and tell her we had lost Caleb and Lucas. I knew it would be hard for the both of us, especially with her expecting and due so close to my due date. And I completely understand her not being able to call me this morning.

I am grateful that I can be here for her and help her through this nightmare, but I hate it also. I hate that we both had to lose our babies. It totally and completely SUCKS!!! When she called me this morning, I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I kept thinking, how could this happen to the both of us. It's not supposed to happen at all. Babies aren't supposed to die. And I am sure the same thoughts ran through her mind.

Zaylond's funeral is tomorrow morning and I will be there for Amy and her family. I didn't think twice about it. I know it's going to be hard as I am still in the thick of my own mess. But I know that she needs me to there for her and I want to be. I know what I needed at that time and I am going to be there for whatever she needs. I just truly, really hate all this.

There is so much more I want to write, but in my emotional and physical exhaustion, the words aren't flowing very well. I just wanted to get this up on the blog. Please keep her and her family in your prayers.

Comfort in a Safety Pin

I have found comfort in the strangest places since losing Caleb and Lucas. Some of these places and things have caused anxiety until I take a minute to truly revel in the wonderfulness of it. I have been having anxiety all week about going back to my hometown, Washington, MO. I came back for a wedding that I wouldn't have been able to attend if I was 30 weeks pregnant with the twins. I wasn't supposed to come back home until the twins were born, so they would have been with me. There would have been a crib in our room at my dad's. The van would have been packed to bursting.

But here I am. Sitting in my dad's living room typing away on his computer. Yesterday was hard as we arrived and settled in. The thought of what should have been kept creeping up in my mind. And the need to talk about Caleb and Lucas with my family was really strong. I wanted them here with me so bad. I hadn't seen my parents since the twins' service. And I wondered if it would be awkward or if conversation would just flow. I looked to Willy for my comfort.

I was getting ready for my friend's wedding and needed a couple safety pins to pin my bra to my dress. I was in my own world and did what I have always done when needing a safety pin at my dad's. I walked into the kitchen, reached on top of the refrigerator for the blue cookie tin, and took two out. Wait. What was that? This tin is where it has always been no matter where Dad has moved to (he's moved 4 times in the past 10 years). The tin has always been the same. And there it is, a smile. I feel good. I feel comforted. And by two safety pins.

As I was driving through Washington afterwards, I looked around at everything. And the comfort I have always felt when here was back. The anxiety was gone, completely gone. I felt like a sick child wrapped in her mother's arms. I needed this. I needed to come home and be surrounded by my history. I needed to be reminded that the world is okay. And that home will always be here to comfort me.

I suddenly realize everything around me. The smell of my dad's clean laundry. I love it. The river air. I love it. My elementary school with a new playground. I love it. Driving 25 down the main drag in town. I love it. The view from the riverfront. I love it. And the hugs from my parents and those that love me and have hurt with me. I love them all. And I really needed to be up here as another step in my healing. I am comforted by the familiarity of it all. And by the reminder that not everything changed when I lost Caleb and Lucas. And I know they are here with me. Looking back today, I know they were in all the seeds flying around with their white feathers, making it look like snow, as we drove into town yesterday. I LOVE snow. I feel comforted and am ready for a nap.

A bit more please...

So I know this is my picture of the day also. As I started describing it, I realized there is so much more that I want to write about it. It brings out a flood of different emotions every time I see it. It wasn't until this past Monday that I was actually able to bring myself to take it off my camera and look at it for the first time. I knew it was there the whole time, I just couldn't bring myself to look at it. And I still hadn't realized the emotions it would bring other than the sadness.

I had asked Willy to pick up some peanut M&M's on his back to the hospital. My dad had made it down and sat with me so Willy could take a shower and pick up some things from home. You see, this was taken on Sunday. I had been in the hospital for 24 hours and had 11 weeks and 5 days to go. He took a couple of hours and I was beginning to wonder where he had gone. When he showed up, I begged him for my M&M's. I was having a serious craving and needed them bad!

He pulled out all three containers, each containing a different type. He knew how my cravings changed like the weather in Missouri . And he knew it was going to be a long stay. And he knew it would make me laugh and smile every time I looked at all three containers filled with M&M's. He's an amazing man.

I also look at the other side of this photograph. I am smiling and laughing. I knew I was going to be in this bed for almost 12 more weeks. And I was at peace with it. I was in pain and worried, but we had made it past 24 hours and things were looking good.

This all comes rushing back to me and I think how it all disappeared so quickly. I think about how in 24 hours I would hurt so much and in 48 hours my world would be turned upside down. I think about how ready I was to be in bed for all that time so my babies would be here strong and healthy. I was ready to miss everything, the summer, camping, and my Colton and Ethan. Willy was going to have to be Super Mom and Super Dad along with trying to work.

We were going to do it, we were ready to do, we wish we could have done it.

I am not the same person as I was in this picture. And this makes me sad. I wish I could be as carefree as I was. I wish I still couldn't imagine what it was like to lose a baby. And I wish I was still expecting two more boys. I wish I was getting ready to chase four boys around my house. I wish the egg would have split a little sooner.

So here is the reason behind this picture for today. I have smiled a lot, but I have also cried a lot of tears. The ones that fall on their own and dry up on their own. Days like today are the ones I feel the most comfortable living. They are the ones when I can feel both emotions that I need to. Happiness for my family that is here with me and sorrow for the two boys that watch over me.

Reality TV

I've had this thought for awhile that I have wanted to share, but haven't been quite sure where it fit. Is it it's own entry or does it tie into other parts of our story? Well, I need to share it and I'm having a hard time tying it into other thoughts, so here it is alone, by itself.

When I was pregnant with Ethan I would watch Roseanne re-runs every morning for an hour. It would be during Colton's morning nap when I had a hard time sleeping. There was a specific episode that really touched me. I hated at the time that I had watched it, and ever so grateful now that I had sat it through until the end. It is the episode where Darlene goes into pre-mature labor and delivers her baby girl way too early.

I don't remember how far along Darlene was when she gave birth, but I remember the doctor's giving her little baby girl very little hope. The part that always stuck with me is when Darlene decided to let the doctor's unhook her baby girl from all the life support. The family stood in a circle. They each took a turn holding her baby girl and talking to her, showering her with love. I remember how serene she looked, how tiny and fragile she was. I remember my heart breaking as I watched the episode until I just couldn't anymore. I didn't know if she had lived. I felt better at the time not knowing how it ended.

That particular episode always sat in the back of my memory. It would randomly pop up on its own. I never knew why it stuck with me so much, and I never really wondered whether or not her baby girl survived. Not until writing this did I even bother to check. And I am grateful, in my new warped way, that I never did.

The night Dr. E came in to inform us that Caleb was just too small and too much had gone wrong, that episode came exploding back to me. I pictured everyone standing around and how peaceful it all was. When Dr. E asked if we wanted Caleb brought to the room, or if we wanted to come to the NICU, I knew we wanted Caleb in my room, with all our family all around the three of us. There was no question in my mind. That is the way it had to be.

Throughout the entire 2 hours that we watched and loved Caleb as a family, the episode would replay in my mind. As I lay in the bed and held him, our family members took turns standing next to Willy, Caleb, and I. They all shared their love with us through tears, words, and by just being there. The love and strength that was in that room that night was amazing. I will always treasure that time we all had together, with my baby boys Caleb and Lucas.

Since losing Lucas and Caleb, that episode still pops up here and there. Usually around 2:30am when I am having a hard time getting back to sleep. I am hoping that in writing this and getting it out there, that it can leave me alone for awhile. Don't get me wrong, I am grateful that I watched this episode three years ago, and that it made a lasting impression. But it's time has passed, it has finished it's duty.

365 Pictures

So I saw this on two other blogs and thought it was an amazing idea! Taking 365 pictures, one a day for an entire year. It is 365 days of healing through pictures. I know some days will be harder than others, but I am ready for this. It will be a project for me to concentrate on. Not that I have a hundred others that are going on all around me.

So I am adding a separate page and on July 5th of next year I will be able to look back and see how things have changed. Hopefully this journey will get easier with time, as many promise it will. I am really excited to see the outcome of this project.

I shouldn't be wearing you!

This morning I was able to put on a pair of shorts from last summer. I know to many women out there this would be a cause for celebration, but for me it was a cause for tears. You see this was the last physical reminder I had of my pregnancy with the twins. The last physical reminder that they really were here. Add on the pain that I should be wearing XL maternity shorts right now, it really kind of sucks!

Those first few weeks I had tons of reminders. The pain of my milk coming in really sucked. And I didn't realize the bittersweetness of it all until after it was gone. I hated having to go through that without having Caleb and Lucas here to make it worth it. But it also reminded me of the realness of it all. Same with my incision area. The pain was excruciating!!! And I really would not have minded it so much if I had my babies in my arms. Now that it really doesn't hurt so much and it is actually fading, I feel back to "normal". And I don't want normal. Not without my two baby boys alive and with me.

I have lost the 37 of the 40 pounds I gained with the twins. And although the weight is in different areas than before, it's almost gone. And I would do anything to be up 50 lbs right about now with the twins. Every time I see maternity clothes, it makes me sad. Not the crying hysterically sad anymore, just plain sad. But then when I put on my pre-maternity shorts, it also makes me sad. I shouldn't be wearing them right now or for the next 6 months or so. As a matter of fact, most of my pre-maternity shorts are in storage where they should stay until next summer. Another sad trip I will have to make.

One Month

Happy one month birthday, Lucas and Caleb. We miss you so much and our hearts are filled with love for the two of you. This past month has been the hardest month of my life. Yet I am grateful to have known the two of you for the very short time I had.

Yesterday was my follow-up appt with my doctor. It was so hard to be in the same room as I was in so many times while I was pregnant with the two of you. And to know that I should have been there for my glucose test instead of a post c-section exam. She still seems in shock that we lost the two of you so fast. That's a shock I have to live with everyday. It seems I still can't wrap my mind around the quickness of it all. One day all was okay and the next you were born and then gone.

Sometimes I really want to try and turn back the clock to when you were both inside of me, playing and kicking. But I know it wouldn't change everything that has happened. I miss the two of you so much. I think about you every day. I think about what all of us is missing. I think about how I should really be pregnant with the two of you. 29 weeks tomorrow.

I know this next month will be an easier one. But it is so hard to make it through days like today. The ones that have more meaning to me than the others.

I love the two of you so very much! There isn't an hour that goes by that I don't think about you and wish you were here with me. I wish I could be blessed with your smiles and cries. I wish I could hold you and smell you. I miss you!