One Month

Happy one month birthday, Lucas and Caleb. We miss you so much and our hearts are filled with love for the two of you. This past month has been the hardest month of my life. Yet I am grateful to have known the two of you for the very short time I had.

Yesterday was my follow-up appt with my doctor. It was so hard to be in the same room as I was in so many times while I was pregnant with the two of you. And to know that I should have been there for my glucose test instead of a post c-section exam. She still seems in shock that we lost the two of you so fast. That's a shock I have to live with everyday. It seems I still can't wrap my mind around the quickness of it all. One day all was okay and the next you were born and then gone.

Sometimes I really want to try and turn back the clock to when you were both inside of me, playing and kicking. But I know it wouldn't change everything that has happened. I miss the two of you so much. I think about you every day. I think about what all of us is missing. I think about how I should really be pregnant with the two of you. 29 weeks tomorrow.

I know this next month will be an easier one. But it is so hard to make it through days like today. The ones that have more meaning to me than the others.

I love the two of you so very much! There isn't an hour that goes by that I don't think about you and wish you were here with me. I wish I could be blessed with your smiles and cries. I wish I could hold you and smell you. I miss you!