A letter

Dear Caleb and Lucas,

Hi boys, it's been awhile since I've written you on the blog. It usually helps so much to just talk and cry to your pictures. But today I am really missing you. No reason in particular, except for the fact that you aren't here with me. And oh how I wish you were.

Daddy and I have been really busy around the house lately, getting it ready to sell. It's help to keep my mind occupied, but there are still days like today when the two of you are right there in front. There is so much that I miss about you. I miss you kicking me everytime I sit down. I miss the both of you getting the hiccups at the same time. It always made me laugh. And I miss rubbing my big ol' belly and you tapping my hand.

Days like today are so hard. I cry alot of tears for you. Except today I was really good at holding them until naptime. But once the boys fell asleep, they came pouring out. I just really wish you were here with me. I really wish I was getting impatient to deliver and meet the two of you. I really wish you carseats were ready in the van to bring you home. Once again, this really sucks!

I had some guilt earlier this week. For a couple of days, I just couldn't shake that I should have made some different decisions, that I should have asked different questions. I know losing the two of you isn't my fault. It's just part of the grieving, I'm sure. And when I woke up yesterday, I remembered a couple of facts that helped to remind me that there is nothing I could have done differently to get a better outcome.

Mommy really loves you, Lucas and Caleb. And I know you are watching over me, but it shouldn't be that way. I think of you every hour of every day. And Colton talks about you and Ethan still kisses your necklace. Daddy is missing you also! We all love the two of you so much.

Love,
Mommy