Trying again

I've been noticing a big difference in my desire to try again for another baby. It's a good difference, more like a shift, really. For the first several weeks all I could think about was getting pregnant and soon. Now it's an idea that comes and goes freely, but isn't taking over my thoughts like it used to. I think it's really interesting how I've kind of moved through different phases of this. I feel certain it's part of my grieving process. I thought I would write about it some since it really does and will play a big part in my life.

Within an hour of delivering Caleb and Lucas, Dr. M came in to tell me that the c-section went well. She also informed me that we were in lucky in that she was able to do a horizontal incision instead of the vertical, which is typical at 24 week gestation. She then explained that this was important for future pregnancies. I was instantly horrified! How could she mention future pregnancies when I had just delivered a stillborn baby and my other son was seriously battling for his life? I couldn't imagine having anymore babies right now.

About a week after Lucas and Caleb were born I started getting that itch. The one that I needed, no I HAD to be pregnant like right now! I just had to. It was really weird. My good friend, Rhonda called it that empty need to be pregnant. I felt it and wanted it. I felt some guilt, it wasn't that I was trying to replace the two I had lost, I just missed being pregnant. I just knew that being pregnant again would make me feel better.

When I asked my doctor at my 4 week post-op visit, I was hoping she would tell me 3 months. The answer I got from her was 6 months. SIX MONTHS!!!! I actually started crying. There was no way I could wait that long! Then she explained to me that getting pregnant any earlier would drastically increase my chance of miscarriage and even stillbirth. And I very quickly accepted it. I am willing to wait that 6+ months so that I never have to go through this kind of pain again. Even though it isn't guaranteed, at least I can give my self better chances for a successful pregnancy.

Over the last week I've noticed a sudden change in how I have been feeling in regards to being pregnant. I no longer have that empty need, I have full blown baby fever. I want another baby. When I hear a baby cry I think how I miss it, I want it to be my baby. I want to play the role of a mommy to a newborn, infant, toddler, all the stages. I want to do it all again. And I find so much peace in all this. The change is comforting. I no longer feel rushed. I still feel cheated. I know I always will. And I know having another baby won't take all the pain away. But I remember that when we conceived the twins it was because we were wanting a third child. Losing Lucas and Caleb didn't take away that desire. It makes me more anxious about it all, but I still feel like our family isn't complete.