Friday's Catch-up, Mustard...

First, the title. When I was a kid/teen, and someone would say something "dumb" or obvious, we would slap them on the forehead and say "Catch-up, mustard." And for some reason, I still think it's funny to say. I don't do the slapping part anymore, but have been known to look at Willy and say it. Anyway, even though dumb nor obvious don't apply to this blog, the phrase is catchy and I've been gone for most the week, so I thought I would use it as the title and will probably use it when I've been MIA and need to catch ya'll up.

Secondly, if you are a BLM reader and haven't signed up for the Holiday Angel Exchange, you can go HERE to do it! We are at almost 150 mommies right now, which is crazy spectacular!! My original goal was 100, now I'm shooting for the stars with a goal of 250! How very awesome that would be. Feel free to share the link on your blogs and facebook pages. This is a fabulous project that is going to help so many through a tough time of year.

So my reason for not writing all week....I have been having really painful abdominal cramping this week. Not really sure of the cause, but they have SUCKED! I am talking pain relatively close to labor pains every 10-15 minutes 24 hours a day in my upper abdomen. They have been short, like 15-20 seconds, but it does get old and exhausting. I was thankful that they slowed down at night to about 45 minutes apart, but the really sucked. So I didn't sit at the computer for longer than 5 minutes or so at a time. But I am feeling much better today. So far, no cramping, only some tenderness. YAY!!

Other parts of our week...

I had to take Ethan to Urgent Care on Wednesday night. The boy was having some boy problems and was in some pain. He is fine, just an infection. But it is really hard to talk about your son's boy parts to a nurse and use adult terms. Just feels a little dirty.

Yesterday we took meals to Michelle and Kristan. Michelle had boy #2, Lincoln, three weeks ago and Kristan had her kidney surgery almost 2 weeks ago. Both families had tacos last night for dinner, along with mine. Colton and Ethan requested to bring friends along for the drive. This is Colton with his Anna.

And Ethan with Baby Bear. Ethan has started having full-on conversations with Baby Bear and it is so very adorable!

We woke up this morning and decided it would be fun to have donuts for breakfast. And mommy thought it would be more fun to go out for donuts.

This boy is in complete heaven!

And so is this one...

I didn't think about the sugar rush that would come after 3 Krispy Kreme donuts and chocolate milk. As I was dropping off Colton at school, I made sure to apologize to Mrs. Michelle.

Something else came up at Krispy Kreme that I want to share. I ran into a friend/old manager of mine. We run into each other probably once or twice a year. I don't think I've seen her since last January or so. She always asks how I am doing and how things are going.

Today when she asked, I said we're doing pretty good and tried to leave it at that. I don't feel the need to spill out about Lucas and Caleb as much anymore. And it's a tough mental battle when I run into someone that didn't know I was pregnant with them. Well, when I went back up to get my coffee, she started asking details about how things were going. You know, like pretty good wasn't good enough. So I spilled, with caution.

And you know, she had this horrified look on her face that I was standing there, telling her that I delivered and lost twins at 24 weeks and there wasn't a tear in my eyes. That I was able to tell her that it's been tough, but I'm doing pretty well most the time. That I could smile and talk about my twin boys that are no longer here. This look tends to frustrate me. But I realize now that unless you have lost a baby(ies) that you can't understand how free it feels to be able to do this. I mean, the fact that I can get out of bed and enjoy a morning, day, and evening means the world to me. I appreciate that so much! I used to take that for granted, I didn't know any better. And I don't feel angry at her for giving such a look. I felt that pang of guilt, at first. But then I felt happy. Happy that I can feel like this after everything we have been through.

Some fun in pictures

First of all, I would like to thank everyone who commented on my last post. You all are so very supportive, and I am so grateful for the way you surround me with your love and support when I really need it the most. I really don't know what I would do without each and every one of you as I travel this journey.

Okay, now for some fun stuff! Last week I felt the seasons changing. Not the outside weather, because I live in Missouri and it's still early summer here. hehe 70 degrees in November, really? Anywho, in general (minus yesterday) I have been feeling amazing! Really amazing! And I am really loving it and trying to embrace it. And I am having so much fun with my boys. And I think Willy is enjoying it some too!

We went to Schlotzky's for dinner Thursday night. This is the restaurant where Willy and I had our first date, he proposed, and we had our wedding reception. (the chain, not the actual building as it has turned into a Mexican Restaurant). And here are all three of my boys flicking water at each other.

Friday night we decided to rent a movie. We agreed on Marmaduke, which was super cute and a must buy. Well, I took the boys to the car while Willy waited in line. When Willy opened the van door, Colton started asking for a popcorn tin. (Mommy had nothing to do with this...hehe). So we decided to check out the new Price Cutter, which was PACKED. But no popcorn tin there. So Willy agreed to drive all the way to Walgreens to find our popcorn tin. We got home, changed into our jam-jams, and enjoyed our popcorn and movie.

Willy likes to throw the boys up into trees!

And the only way to get Colton to smile a genuine smile is to tell knock-knock jokes.

I had to make a trip to Price-Cutter this morning to buy food for the pot-luck at Colton's school today, and for Kristan and Michelle's taco dinners on Thursday. Ethan said, "I actually had fun at the grocery today, mom." Love my cutie!

Some Unshared Guilt

I love you, Caleb. And I need to get this out in the open because this guilt creeps up on me every once in awhile. So I am sharing it, getting it out there and hopefully it's a little less heavy.

This is a picture of Caleb, alive. He was breathing, his heart was beating. He had Colton's nose and long fingers. And I really think he looks like Willy here. Caleb was alive for 25 hours after he was born. And he spent most of that time in the NICU with nurses and doctors. Willy and my dad went in to visit him shortly after he was born. I don't know how long they were in there and really don't know much of what was said except that his blood pressure was really low and his kidneys weren't really working. And I don't know if Willy went any other time to see him, minus when he accompanied me. Willy's main concern was me and my health. And I love him for that, now that I can understand that.

It was several hours before I was able to get into a wheelchair to visit my son. My son. I had one, lifeless, lying in a bassinet, wrapped in blankets a few feet from my bed, and another all the way down the hall hooked up to all kinds of stuff. When I was finally able to visit Caleb, I was still pretty out of it. I remember scrubbing in, and being wheeled next to my baby. His "bassinet" was covered with a type of plastic wrap. He was so tiny and so skinny. And his left leg was so dark from losing circulation when he was stuck prior to being delivered. I remember not being able to touch him, because his skin was too delicate.

I said the following to him: "Hey baby, I love you so much. Mommy and Daddy are here and we love you so much. You gotta fight, baby. We know you can pull through this. You're an Earls and they are stubborn. We're here and we love you." I am sure I said other things, but I really remember these words.

We were probably in there for only 15 minutes then I had to go back to my bed. That is the only visit I made to my son in the NICU. I don't think I ever called to check on him. I know I was wiped out from the c-section and the drugs they gave me. And I remember pumping milk for him. But why didn't I go see him more? Why didn't I call every half hour to check and see how he was doing? Was it because I had faith that we had more time? I really don't know, but I feel so bad for not showing him more love those hours he was so far from me.

But there are nurses who knew him. Nurses who spent more time with him than I did while he was here with us. And I really think that I am ready to talk with these nurses. I think it's an attempt to be a little closer to Caleb. A friend ran into one of these nurses today at a school function. They were talking and the twins were brought up. This nurse remembers the boys and our family. I hope that we can talk one day.

As I wrap this up, I am continually grateful that I got to feel him breathing in my arms. I got to hold him and witness his first and only smile. And I know today, as I know everyday that Willy and I made the right decision to let him go. Even though it is the hardest decision we've ever had to make.

I miss my two boys every moment of every day. But today it's a little more closer to the surface than on others. Today is another of those days when it feels pretty fresh.

Holiday Angels Gift Exchange

Hi Everyone!

The upcoming holiday season is supposed to be the 'the most wonderful time of the year.' But we all know, it's these 'special' times that can really hurt the most. For many of us, the holidays are an incredibly bittersweet time, and a painful reminder of the little one(s) who should be there to celebrate them with us.

Dana and I had the wonderful idea of organizing a Holiday Gift Exchange to help brighten up the holidays for us mamas missing our babies. Participants in the exchange will be matched with another mom and can buy or hand-make their partner something in honor of their baby--an ornament, a special candle, anything! Participating is not only a great way to honor and include your child(ren) this holiday season, but a chance to connect with another mom you may not have 'met' before.

Here are the details of the exchange:

1.) Click here to sign-up, or click on the Exchange logo button to the left.

2.) Sign-up is open until November 22nd, 2010.

3.) You don't have to celebrate Christmas or any other holiday to participate.

4.) To help with gift ideas, we have asked each mom to tell us what reminds them of their baby(ies).

5.) We are are asking that moms don't spend more than $20.00 (U.S. dollars) so that no mom feels obligated to spend a lot of money.

6.) We will email you your partners' information by November 23rd, 2010.

7.) Please have your gift mailed by December 10th, 2010.

8.) If for some reason your cannot fulfill your obligation, please let Dana or I know right away, so we can make sure your mommy receives a gift.

9.) Your address will only be shared with the Gift Exchange Coordinators and the mommy you will be matched with.


Thanks so much! Make sure to email Dana or I with any questions: danacnewton@gmail.com or cearls81@yahoo.com.

Also I would like to send a HUGE thanks to Kristin at Faces of Loss for all her help with this project and Sarah from Faces of Loss for the logo design. I greatly appreciate your ladies willingness to help us with this project!

An Early Gift for Me

So, a few weeks ago we were at Toys R Us looking at the Geotrax stuff with the boys and I saw this FABULOUS Christmas train! I was instantly in love with it. Then Willy stated that we really needed a new one to go around our tree. We seriously considered it, even after looking at the price tag. We decided to hold off for a few weeks or so and see if it would go on sale or something.

A week passed, the price went down some and things were looking promising. Then we did the budget and something went wrong somewhere. Not sure what happened, but it looked tight for the next couple of weeks. I told Willy let's not worry about the train. We can get it next year. We really didn't HAVE to have it. But I should did love it.

Well, Monday came....it was the twin's 5 month, I had two extra boys, and it was a plain, gloomy day. After I dropped off the Hart boys, I came home to finish dinner. Willy arrived a few minutes later and brought this inside...


I was shocked and a little upset at first. We really couldn't afford this. I asked him how he got it, and he said , "With my bonus."
I asked him, "The holiday money?"
And he said, "No, the bonus they gave me at work today."

I was ecstatic. They give impact awards to those that work hard and make an "impact" on the company. Willy has received a few of these, but this one was the largest he had received. I am so very proud of my husband and hard and well he works. Then he goes and buys this train for me.

Putting it together!!

My Chrismas train. I am so excited to get it around my tree! The boys have already worn out the batteries in the train. It is soon to be put in a tote until the day after Thanksgiving when my tree goes up.

********

On a different note, I am working on a new page that has some of my favorite posts on it, from my blog and other blogs. I will be adding to it over the next few weeks, but check it out sometime!

Halloween Superhero Style

First I want to announce the winner of the Give Away. Jaime from Handprints on My Heart will receive 10 handmade Christmas cards in a week or so. (I sometimes have a hard time getting things in the mail, but this is a priority.) Thank you all!!! I will do another fun giveaway when I reach 50 followerers. If you don't know how to sign-up to follow, click the follow button. If you don't have an account, it is free and easy. The instructions will pop up when you click follow. Congrats to Jaime! The cards are finished and if I must say so, they are super cool!!

On to Halloween! We spent the afternoon at Grandma and Grandpa's house. The boys received much needed haircuts and of course there was some RAMS action being watched! The boys then got their under-costume gear on. Colton in long johns and Ethan in tights!

Only real men wear tights!

The ONLY picture we have with Ethan's mask on. We saw at least 10 other Spidermen without their masks too.

A perfect fall view. We chose to go back to the Roundtree neighborhood. We took Colton a few years ago, but have stayed away due to all the stairs. The boys are big enough now, so we took it on. Then found out that the neighborhood is rated #1 in Springfield for trick-or-treating. We arrived at 5:20pm and the street was starting to fill up. They even had a costume parade on the next street! By the time we left at 7:30, 4 streets across and 15+ blocks down were crowded with cars and trick-or-treaters! Pretty massive!


Hittin up the first house.

Can you name all the Addams Family members in this picture! Two houses came together to decorate and put together the Addams Family. We managed to convince Colton to get in on a quick group photo.

Colton wasn't so sure, Ethan KNEW he wasn't going near this porch.

One house had a side haunted house with "Better" candy in it. Colton wanted the "Better" candy so I went with him. This just about his me in the face, in the near dark.

Being brave in next to a zombie on a porch

See all these kids in line. The people who own this house MUST be grandparents! They were making fresh cotton candy for every trick-or-treater. Willy and I chose to skip this house.

We had a really good night! After trick-or-treating, we picked up the Hart boys for a sleepover. Needless to say we limited candy intake and sorted candy after putting four very hyped up boys to bed.

Happy 5 Month Birthday, Lucas and Caleb

Dear Lucas and Caleb,

Notice the title, little ones? I'm really trying to see things a little more positively now. Some days it's much harder than on others, but things are changing for me. I feel a little lost in this change, it seems every where I turn there's another choice to make and another obstacle in my way, but I'm making it and really trying to embrace the good things (and people) in my life.

I can't believe it's been FIVE whole months since you both were born and in my arms for the first time. And I am so happy that I had over 24 hours with the both of you to hold. Even though your body was lifeless, Lucas, I knew then and still know now that you were still in that labor and delivery room with us. Watching and waiting for Caleb to join you so you could go to Heaven together. I felt your presence, baby. And Caleb, I realized a few days ago that I am really blessed to have been able to see your first smile. The smile that came across your face as you joined Lucas, I will always remember that moment.

Yesterday was Halloween, little ones. Through the spring as I thought about this Halloween I thought about how I would be either sitting in the car keeping the two of you nice and warm or at home handing out candy while Daddy took Colton and Ethan out trick-or-treating. Without you here, I went with the boys and Daddy and had a really good time. I thought of the two of you often and felt you with the wind. Allison, Drew's mommy, once posted the following and I think of it often,

"I had once given you the air you needed to live, to grow and to develop. In death, I give you the air to pass through me…to enter the world as the spiritual energy you now are. For every breath I release, you have the opportunity to do somersaults in the wind, to play amongst the butterflies, the fall with the rain, to paint those beautiful sunrises...And for every breath I take in, you are able to come back to my heart where you will always have a place to rest. "

Thank you, Allison for such wise words. The breeze was constant last night and the leaves rustled with it and with Colton's and Ethan's eager footsteps as they went from house to house with the other princesses, superheroes, and dragons. And I felt the two of you with me all evening. I really look forward to posting some fun pictures tomorrow.

This past month has been easier. I have felt an awesome change coming about. I am truly enjoying most days. Anna and Zoe's mommy reminded that I can't just act good, that I have to be good inside and out before I can enter the next season of my life. I am working on it babies, I am working on it. And I feel it happening.

I am honestly happy to say that I have lost track of the number of weeks the two of you have been gone. I am grateful for this and refuse to go back and count them up. I know sometime this month the time you are gone will equal and pass up the time you were with us. And I don't want to know when it comes and passes. I don't want to concentrate on it and let it weigh me down any.

Well, boys, this past month was the best since we've lost you. And I know that months will continue to improve. My favorite part of the year is upon us and I hate that you aren't physically here to share it with. But we will pick out your ornaments this year and hang them on the tree. And I know that there will be some hard moments with the holidays coming up, but I am more grateful than ever to have Colton and Ethan here. So far the hardest part was looking at stockings and knowing that are mantle will be missing two this year.

I have to end this on a happy note. We love the two of you so much. And as I tell Colton on a daily basis, you are always in our hearts, helping to keep them warm.