Ramblings

I saw my OB today for the first time since my 4 week post-op appt. I knew I would run into her at Colton's Christmas program (a post for tomorrow). I had anxiety about it all morning. So I decided to dress great, look great, and hopefully feel good from all the greatness. And it worked. I am so proud of myself. She saw me, gave me a hug, and when she sincerely asked how I was doing I was honest and said, "Really well." Because I am, especially when compared the wreck I was four weeks after their birth. And we talked for a few minutes, she said how it was great to see me and was very genuine. It was a short chat, but one of those humps I had to cross. I have, I didn't cry (though my heart raced and the tears started to build up). I only wish I knew I would be seeing her soon to check on our rainbow baby. But I will continue to be patient, because I've been promised that patience pays off.

I feel a bad day coming. It's slowly building up inside me. The lumps are growing in my throat more often and they are harder to swallow. I feel on the verge of tears with less and less triggers. I knew it was too good to be true to make it to Christmas without a breakdown. I want it to come soon, before Christmas. I wander if I can force it out of it's hiding place. Hmmm....

Oh! And I received my gift from the Holiday Gift Exchange. Lei sent me a beautiful bracelet with a dragonfly charm. Gorgeous! I love it! Thank you, Lei! It brightened my moment and I am sure it will brighten my days. And there's been talk of a gift exchange for Mother's Day.

Plain and Simple

I miss them.

Cookies, Friends, Family

Our weekend was spectacular! It started with our annual cookies and crafts with Carter and Melanie. We started this last year as a way to get together for the holidays while saving some money. It's a great time! Here are all three boys.

Colton and Carter have been best buds since they were 10 months and 14 months old. They play so well together and we LOVE their parents. And Baby Girl who will be here soon!

All three of them were caught with fingers in their mouths. Totally lovin' the icing!

And here they are playing after cookies. I love how the older boys let Ethan in on their play.

On Sunday, we went to Dru's to decorate her famous Christmas Sugar Cookies! These cookies rock and we wait all year for them. This year some of us got together to decorate them. Great times!

Here's Jamie getting started. I love this girl. Her zest for life is contagious and she always makes me smile. And my boys LOVE her tons!

Colton trying to figure out how to use the icing tube Grandma rigged for him.

Ethan and Baby Bear.

Willy icing the cookies and Ethan putting on sprinkles. A very good plan.

And the finished products. We had so much fun making different characters, animals, and everything in between.

After decorating cookies and eating pizza, we visited some and did a small gift exchange. Willy and I went out and chose candy bars (or packages) that reminded us of each person that was there. It was so much to think of who was what. Everyone loved it and we laughed alot. All in all, it was a great weekend. The boys were so wiped out that they requested to be in bed at 6:30!

Happy Moments

I am happy! Genuinely happy! I feel great and right. I never in my dreams thought I could ever feel this good again. And I love it. I still have hard moments here and there, but I feel refreshed and just plain good. I even have added a new blog list to the page. It is a list of happiness, stories of rainbow babies on their way or already here. Stories that can give many of us so much hope for things to come. It is to the left, if you are interested and ever need a little extra inspiration.

As many of you know, this time of year can be daunting. In June, I was so worried how Christmas was going to work. This is my absolute favorite time of year. I am a total Christmas nut! And I know if it weren't for Colton and Ethan, it would be canceled this year. The season started out rocky, but now I am fully embracing this, feeling the holiday cheer, and filled with the warmth of it all! So to feel this good, is very much welcome, and such a gift!

In celebrating how great I am feeling, here are some pictures of me having great moments over the last six months. Genuine smiles, genuine fun! Proof that we can laugh again, and smile again. If you are reading this and new to the community, I truly hope you can find inspiration in these pictures.


This was taken after a friends wedding in July. I was laughing so hard and so afraid that Ethan was going to push me into the pond.



This was our first trip to the park in August. I was finally out of the dense fog and learning to truly enjoy the two boys I have here on Earth. Embracing my inner child is a new thing for me. And I am loving it!

This is the camping trip we took on my birthday/36 week mark. This weekend could have been such a disaster, but my friends and family helped me so much! If you look closely, there is a dragonfly on my toe.

My high school reunion. Although many of those moments were enhanced by a glass or two (or three) of wine, it was true fun and I am so grateful I was able to be there. And that Michelle was by my side the entire night.

I love her! She made high school bearable, and I hate that we lost touch for quite some time. But when we reunited, it was like we just picked up where we left off. And now she has found her Willy (actually Craig) and I couldn't be happier for her.

A group shot of friends. Here's some random thoughts:

Jamie-I remember when we were like 9 or so and walk around Southwinds and talk forever

Amanda-I remember sledding down your icy driveway when we were 11.

Michelle-One of my favorite memories is when we were driving back from the mall and were passing the "Elk forest" and started freaking out thinking about "The Blair Witch Project." That was HILARIOUS!!!!!

And all of you were so kind to mention my Lucas and Caleb that night. It melts my heart.

My scrapbooking group. I love these ladies so much. They were all there during all the times, good and bad. The love and compassion this group has blows me away. This was Barb's 70th birthday, a total hoot!

September fun with Colton and Ethan! I love this school playground!

The leaf fight we had one day. This was the best I had felt since the twins were born. The first day I felt total freedom from the weight of grief.

Ethan's birthday party last month. The first time I was in a mixed group of people without really feeling an social anxiety! Whoo Hoo!

The first snowfall. The first family holiday without Lucas and Caleb. And it snowed. I felt them all around me. And it was a great day!

Ethan's birthday. Lovin' the hat and Willy being goofy!

A friend took this at school Carter's birthday party last weekend. Truly a great picture of me. I am holding Miss Morgan. (That's her daddy behind me). She is truly precious and holding her truly warms my heart. Her big sister, Riley, is pretty awesome, too!

I know many of these have been posted before, but I wanted them all in one post, together. I truly love where I am at right now, and if this is the best that it gets (I am sure it gets better) that is alright with me.

TTTS Awareness Day 2010

Today is TTTS Awareness Day. My Lucas and Caleb were lost very quickly to Twin to Twin Transfusion Syndrome. Awareness and Education about TTTS is very important in diagnosing and fighting this disease of the placenta and saving the lives of identical twin babies. Doctors and mommies alike should be aware of this disease, the symptoms, and the different treatments AS SOON AS an identical twin pregnancy with the twins sharing a placenta is found. I will be lighting a candle for Lucas at 5:10pm and one for Caleb at 5:15pm tonight.

I knew about TTTS from February 18, 2010. The day I found out we were having Lucas and Caleb. I came across it in my crazy search about twins. I came across the TTTS site and scanned the information. I saw that a difference in weights and/or amniotic fluid was a symptom to really watch for. I put this in the back of my mind, trusting that my doctor was also watching for this from the beginning.

At each appt, the boys weighed very nearly the same, and the amount of fluid was similar. At my 22 week appt, we learned that BOTH sacs had excess fluid. I searched everywhere and I couldn't find a correlation between both sacs having excess fluid and TTTS. I went to the hospital on May 24th due to Braxton Hicks contractions that had become pretty consistent and were coming every 3-4 minutes. They kept me overnight, and released me the next morning. I had gained some weight pretty fast, but both Lucas and Caleb looked great and there was visually no signs of TTTS.

On Saturday, July 28th, I was taking a nap, rolled over and felt a gush of water. Not like gallons, but more like I may have wet myself. After a few hours, and seeing a little pink, we decided to head to Labor and Delivery to be checked. I will NEVER forget being told that one of my bags had ruptured. But, the babies weighed within 3oz of each other, and there seemed to be plenty of fluid in both sacs. Bedrest for the remainder of my pregnancy was on order. And no mention of TTTS.

On Monday, May 31st, at 7:30 or so, I started having real contractions. They came in to check Lucas and Caleb. They brought in an ultrasound machine to find them. We saw them both, moving, or so we thought. At around 8:30pm, we learned Lucas had gone to Heaven. I was diagnosed with early acute TTTS. The perinatologist said she had NEVER seen TTTS hit so quickly this early in a twin pregnancy. My OB said the same thing over and over again to me throughout the following weeks.

Both babies were born 4 hours later by emergency c-section. Caleb was already "stuck", or shrink wrapped, by his amniotic sac. When he was born, his left leg had been without circulation for some time and his kidneys had already shut down. He also suffered a severe brain bleed. 25 hours after entering this world, he grew his wings and left, taken by TTTS also.

I know I was where I needed to be, Lucas and Caleb were carefully watched, and TTTS still took them. I have had TONS of guilt off and on throughout all this. I often wish I had taken the 15 questions off the TTTS website and asked the Ultrasound techs those questions at every appt, if that would have saved my babies. I know this was out of my hands, but the mommy part of me feels I'm to blame at times. (Not near as often as it used to be) But what keeps me sane is knowing that I was in the right place, being monitored, and there is nothing else I could have done for my sweet Lucas and Caleb.

I have made some really amazing friends through this TTTS journey and the one thing that really sticks out is Awareness and Education. And I know that when I hear of a mommy carrying identical twins with a shared placenta, I will congratulate her, then ask her to check out the TTTS Foundations website. And I will ask her to please take it seriously. I don't want to be Doom and Gloom, I just want her to know how REAL this really is, and how when you beat the 0.4% of conceiving identical twins, the 20% chance of TTTS isn't so large.

A Day Out With Colton

I get to spend time with Ethan three days a week while Colton is at school. We shop, play, eat, and have a great time. But I really don't get that one on one time with Colton. So Colton and I spent the day together today. We did some Christmas shopping, and playing. Then off to a birthday party.

One of the changes that has happened since Lucas and Caleb were born is that I am a much better mom. I have so much more fun with Colton and Ethan than I ever did before. Not that I was a bad mom, I just didn't enjoy as much as I should have. But now I enjoy every little moment, I take more time to really savor the fun we are having and their childhood. And I laugh with them all the time.

There is a store in the mall, Earthbound. Ethan avoids it, but Colton loves the HUGE gorilla right inside the doors. Today he wanted to create a scary picture for Daddy.

The birthday party was at the local family center, complete with a pool. Colton would live in the water if I let him. And he spends most the time jumping in and climbing out. This kids gets some major air!

His girlfriend, Riley was there, also. These two decided last spring that they were going to get married one day, and it hasn't changed. They spend a lot of time together during school and we get together with her family when we can outside of school. I love her and her family.

Plus, I got my baby Morgan fix. Riley's little sister is such a sweetie!

6 Month Letter

Dear Lucas and Caleb,

I can't believe SIX months have passes since I last held you in my arms. At times it felt like the clock never moved and others the time passed so fast my head seemed to spin. But sitting here today, it seems to have gone by pretty quickly. Six months is a long time, really. But I try to look at it positively. I've survived life without you here in my arms for six months. And I have LIVED. Truly lived.

I was emailing Jacob's and Sawyer's mommies on Tuesday night sending them my warm thoughts and love before heading to bed and shared my motto for your special day.
EAT.PRAY.LOVE
Eat tons and tons of chocolate
Pray to you in Heaven
and send you all the Love I have for you throughout the day.

I wore your pin yesterday and touched it often. Every time I touched it I sent you my love and smiled. The two of you have touched so many lives, and although I would rather have you here in my arms, I am grateful to have been able to turn the tragedy of losing you into so many wonderful things. Thank you, babies.

I wanted to have a fun day with your brothers yesterday. I know you wouldn't have wanted me to mope around. And if there is one thing about grief that I can count on is that the build-up to milestones is always alot harder than the actual day. Yesterday was good. I woke to many warm wishes from the friends in my life. (Thank you, all of you)

Colton, Ethan, and I decided to make paper snowflakes for the house after spending the morning cuddled under blankets watching Blues Clues on Netflix. Snow reminds me of you and it would really be a fun way to spend the morning. Nothing like pieces of paper and glitter to bring out the smiles. And it was really Ethan's first time using scissors. He is my lefty.

Colton begged and begged to let me let him to put the glitter on his snowflakes. I finally caved. And check out what Ethan is up to behind him.

Oh, that boy is tons of fun!

Here is the finished product. Of course, I forgot that stick glue doesn't hold glitter well, so now there are piles of glitter behind the tv.

Yesterday evening was Life Fellowships annual Ladies Christmas Tea. It was this event last year that brought me to this amazing church. And for the event to be held on your 6 month birthday, well pretty sure it was where I needed to be. I was surrounded by women who love and care for me, and I felt close to the two of you.

So, here's the EATing part of my day. And I went back for seconds and half a thirds. The food was great, the fellowship was wonderful. I am so happy that I was able to make it. I honestly don't know where I would be without my Life Fellowship family.

We also made corn bags.

And the church bought me some flowers. They are beautiful and I am thankful. (Kristan, does the angle work for you?)

All in all, the day was really great. I thought about you often. And I miss you all the time. But I know that you are well in Heaven and watching down on us.

With all my heart,

Mommy