01-02-11

I don't know how many of you do it. I honestly don't. I know I have said it many times before, but it really hit me hard this weekend. I have no idea how I would have survived these past seven months without Colton and Ethan here. You ladies who have lost your only children, I am so very sorry, more than I could ever express. The strength you show is astonishing!

It's been a tough weekend in itself. Colton and Ethan went to Grandma's for the weekend and it has been harder. My house is quiet, I have no one else to concentrate my thoughts on. And the hard thoughts and memories and even guilt creeps in. There is room for it all when I don't have two boys running around chasing monsters, throwing bears, or playing trains. I am now sitting here, never wanting to let them go again. It's weird. I guess between there and here I've always had a lot going on while they were gone. But this weekend was different. I really had nothing and I was already down. (Don't worry grandma, they'll come back.)

I also wanted to share my breakdown at church today. I haven't really had a good one since the first Sunday back. Today was Level 3, potential for 4. I cried most the way there, it was plain sadness and missing Lucas and Caleb. I got there, composed myself and walked in, ready to tell everyone I was doing okay, just okay. Then Nikki walked up to ask how I was. And she was holding little Porter. And the thought that burst in was my babies should be that size. Next thing I know, I mutter, "Oh my Gosh." and run straight for the bathroom to cry my heart out. I've never really cried like that at the site of a baby. I usually keep pretty composed. But I was emotionally weak today and I guess it had to happen at some time.

And Nikki is such a great friend. Instead of being mortified that I lost it upon lying my hand on her baby boy, she found me in the restroom and hugged me tight. She said the right things and comforted me. After drying my tears, I was able to hold little Porter. And within seconds he gave me the sweetest little grin and I felt the peace just wash over me.

Colton and Ethan are home now. And I feel so much better. They have legos spread all over a blanket on the floor and are working on "projects." I feel better than earlier, but not where I was just last week. I eagerly await those better days to come back. I know it'll be a few more days. At least I am getting to know the timeline for the different cycles of grief. And I know there is light a little closer now.

Thank you to everyone who continues to keep us in your thoughts and prayers. It helps so much and we are very grateful.