So we had our yard sale yesterday and today. Colton and Ethan ran in and out all the time and mingled with some of our shoppers. And many times I would get the questions, "How old are they?" "How many do you have?" or "Are you stopping at two?" Everytime I kept it simple. "They are two and four." "I am chasing two." "I really want more." I really didn't feel like it was the right time to delve into the topic of us losing our twins with these complete strangers. There were many times when I almost did, but thought better about it.
Then there were the massive numbers of pregnant women that stopped by to shop. I would almost ask how far along they were, or if they were having a boy or girl, or when they were due. But then I realized the expression on my face would probably change if I received certain answers.
Then today a young girl (18 or 19) came by with her baby girl. She was pushing a stroller and carrying her baby in a front carrier. I went inside and let Willy help her. I didn't want to seem rude, but wasn't feeling up for it. After 10 minutes she was still standing there. It is 90+ degrees outside and the sun is HOT!!!! I went out and asked Willy if she was needing something and he told me she was waiting for her mom to bring some money.
After a few more minutes I finally asked her if she would like some sunblock for the baby. She said yes, please. I was hoping she would put it on her little girl, but she wasn't grabbing for the bottle. This baby girl is the first baby I have touched since Lucas and Caleb were born. And I did it, I survived it. I also found out she is 22 weeks old.
10 minutes later (25+ minutes in the sun) I told her she could follow me to the shade tree and sit down. Would have sooner, but I thought her mom was on her way. Anyway we get to talking and I find out she had a son who would have turned two last week. He had died from SIDS when he was two weeks old. They had been co-sleeping without a co-sleeper. This hit me hard. I then told her I understand how hard it is to lose a child and told her part of our story.
Her mom showed up, they bought some stuff, then all got in her car and drove off. And then the anger really hit! HER MOM WAS SMOKING IN THE CAR WITH THE WINDOWS UP!!!!! I would truly think that after losing a child to SIDS, a mom and/or grandma would be extrememly cautious with any known causes/factors of SIDS. Then it all piled on....baby in the heat, no sunblock, no hat, mom smoking in car. Seriously, I understand she's a young mom, but she is one that should really know better.
I think it's a good thing I was able to release some of my pent up anger. And I am glad I didn't aggressively take it out on anyone. Now I just really feel sad for the young mother and her little baby girl.
Saturday, August 7, 2010
Friday, August 6, 2010
New characteristics
So Tuesday started out as a pretty bad day. I was feeling on edge and Colton and Ethan were fighting quite a bit. I decided to get out and visit my cousin, hoping it would help both me and the boys. I called her and we decided to visit my grandma in Columbia overnight. The trip was pretty quiet with the DVD player and Ethan sleeping. This trip was totally uncharacteristic of me as I normally have to plan things in advance. We were packed and on the road within half an hour.
When we got to grandma's she gave all four kids (my cousin's two also) ice cream. That sure got their attention. My cousin and her family left soon after.
I even stepped out of my comfort zone once again and let the boys try to eat with chopstix. Never before would I have done this.
On Wednesday we took the boys to this HUGE park Willy and I had passed when we were up there back in March for my grandpa's funeral. This was taken from the bridge at the entrance. There were numerous slides to go down to get to the lower level.
The boys really enjoyed all the different tube slides.
These dragonflies reminded my of Caleb and Lucas. They were flying around and playing together. It was great to have all four of my boys at the park with me.
Then I did some very uncharacteristic of me. I stopped at Lake of the Ozarks on the way home to let the boy swim at the public beach. I normally won't even stop for a potty break. Or take the boys swimming without a second adult. We had so much fun though.
I guess the experience of losing Caleb and Lucas has changed me more than I have realized. I am glad I can experience life with Colton and Ethan on a whole new level. But I really miss my babies.
When we got to grandma's she gave all four kids (my cousin's two also) ice cream. That sure got their attention. My cousin and her family left soon after.
Grandma then treated the three of us to HuHot. I hadn't been there before and I LOVE it!!!
I even stepped out of my comfort zone once again and let the boys try to eat with chopstix. Never before would I have done this.
On Wednesday we took the boys to this HUGE park Willy and I had passed when we were up there back in March for my grandpa's funeral. This was taken from the bridge at the entrance. There were numerous slides to go down to get to the lower level.
The boys really enjoyed all the different tube slides.
These dragonflies reminded my of Caleb and Lucas. They were flying around and playing together. It was great to have all four of my boys at the park with me.
Then I did some very uncharacteristic of me. I stopped at Lake of the Ozarks on the way home to let the boy swim at the public beach. I normally won't even stop for a potty break. Or take the boys swimming without a second adult. We had so much fun though.
I guess the experience of losing Caleb and Lucas has changed me more than I have realized. I am glad I can experience life with Colton and Ethan on a whole new level. But I really miss my babies.
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
And the cycle continues...
I have finally understood that this grieving process is a cycle. It's not really a bunch of steps you take or some phases lined out. It's a cycle that repeats itself over and over and over. The length of it changes here and there, but I am always back at the beginning of the cycle at some point.
Part 1: It starts off as extreme sadness. Lots and lots of crying. The big elephant tears that fall hard and soak your clothes. You cry so much that it's no longer worth the energy to wipe them away. Sometimes they fall only because you feel sad, sometimes they fall because you saw or heard a trigger. And by the end of the day you are so exhausted from the crying that you might actually fall asleep without crying yourself to sleep. It all seems so real again. The pain is raw and persistent. It's a funk that can last several days.
Part 2: This part of the cycle is a good one. You remember the wonderful people and things in your life. For the next couple of days you smile. You might cry here or there. But they are small tears and dry up pretty quickly on their own. You enjoy life again and all it has to offer. You might even live this part of the cycle through one of your "tough" days/dates and be surprised how it was easier than you thought it would be. And the pain feels more distant.
Part 3: Sadness hits again. This part is frustrating. You think, "Wow I was doing so well." It's kind of a slap in the face. Like someone is saying, "Hey, you can't be too happy, here's some tears to remind you." I truly hate this part of the cycle. I'm sitting here today. I woke up feeling the tears trying to fall. No reason in particular, they just needed to fall. I tried to self-medicate with caffeine, busy my mind with MOPS steering stuff, and play with Colton and Ethan. But the need to cry just wouldn't go away. So here I am reading other babyloss mommy blogs and crying with them. And I am writing another post, which always helps the tears to fall. This part of the cycle usually only lasts a day or two.
Part 4: This is my favorite part of the cycle. Life feels really good. You feel almost numb to the pain. There may even be days when you don't cry at all. You feel you can conquer the world with the memory of your babies supporting you. Every once in awhile the guilt of feeling so good starts to creep up, but you are able to push it aside some. You know that the cycle is going to start again, but you are going to enjoy the good days for everything they have to offer. You are able to live in the moment, not the past or future. I truly look forward to this part. Right now it can last up to a week for me.
It seems like Parts 1 and 3 are getting shorter for me and Parts 2 and 4 are becoming longer. It's nice to know when I am having a hard day that there's promise of a better one. Sometimes it takes encouragement from a great friend or family member to push you into the better part, but you're going to get there. But it's also hard knowing that there's bound to be another tough day.
I miss Lucas and Caleb everyday. The pain is fresh for me today, but I feel confident tomorrow it will be less raw. I am determined not to be defined by the loss of two of our babies. I will integrate our loss into my life, but I am still the mommy to two amazing little boys here on Earth. And I need to concentrate on them right now.
Part 1: It starts off as extreme sadness. Lots and lots of crying. The big elephant tears that fall hard and soak your clothes. You cry so much that it's no longer worth the energy to wipe them away. Sometimes they fall only because you feel sad, sometimes they fall because you saw or heard a trigger. And by the end of the day you are so exhausted from the crying that you might actually fall asleep without crying yourself to sleep. It all seems so real again. The pain is raw and persistent. It's a funk that can last several days.
Part 2: This part of the cycle is a good one. You remember the wonderful people and things in your life. For the next couple of days you smile. You might cry here or there. But they are small tears and dry up pretty quickly on their own. You enjoy life again and all it has to offer. You might even live this part of the cycle through one of your "tough" days/dates and be surprised how it was easier than you thought it would be. And the pain feels more distant.
Part 3: Sadness hits again. This part is frustrating. You think, "Wow I was doing so well." It's kind of a slap in the face. Like someone is saying, "Hey, you can't be too happy, here's some tears to remind you." I truly hate this part of the cycle. I'm sitting here today. I woke up feeling the tears trying to fall. No reason in particular, they just needed to fall. I tried to self-medicate with caffeine, busy my mind with MOPS steering stuff, and play with Colton and Ethan. But the need to cry just wouldn't go away. So here I am reading other babyloss mommy blogs and crying with them. And I am writing another post, which always helps the tears to fall. This part of the cycle usually only lasts a day or two.
Part 4: This is my favorite part of the cycle. Life feels really good. You feel almost numb to the pain. There may even be days when you don't cry at all. You feel you can conquer the world with the memory of your babies supporting you. Every once in awhile the guilt of feeling so good starts to creep up, but you are able to push it aside some. You know that the cycle is going to start again, but you are going to enjoy the good days for everything they have to offer. You are able to live in the moment, not the past or future. I truly look forward to this part. Right now it can last up to a week for me.
It seems like Parts 1 and 3 are getting shorter for me and Parts 2 and 4 are becoming longer. It's nice to know when I am having a hard day that there's promise of a better one. Sometimes it takes encouragement from a great friend or family member to push you into the better part, but you're going to get there. But it's also hard knowing that there's bound to be another tough day.
I miss Lucas and Caleb everyday. The pain is fresh for me today, but I feel confident tomorrow it will be less raw. I am determined not to be defined by the loss of two of our babies. I will integrate our loss into my life, but I am still the mommy to two amazing little boys here on Earth. And I need to concentrate on them right now.
Sunday, August 1, 2010
Footprints
The poem Footprints In The Sand has always been dear to me. Two months ago when we lost Lucas and Caleb was fighting so hard, the specific line ran over and over in my head
Last month I came across another Footprints poem on another blog that I felt would be good to share today. I have also added pictures of Lucas and Caleb's footprints in real size. I miss you boys!
"These are my footprints,
so perfect and so small.
These tiny footprints
never touched the ground at all.
Not one tiny footprint,
for now I have wings.
These tiny footprints were meant
for other things.
You will hear my tiny footprints,
in the patter of the rain.
Gentle drops like angel's tears,
of joy and not from pain.
You will see my tiny footprints,
in each butterflies' lazy dance.
I'll let you know I'm with you,
if you just give me the chance.
You will see my tiny footprints,
in the rustle of the leaves.
I will whisper names into the wind,
and call each one that grieves.
Most of all, these tiny footprints,
are found on Mommy and Daddy's hearts.
'Cause even though I'm gone now,
We'll never truly part." ~Unknown
I am feeling suprisingly good this morning. Caleb and Lucas are sharing their special day with another little boy, Jacob. It helps to know that there is another mommy who is remembering her little boy the way I am remembering mine today. I love you, Dana. I hate that we have to go through this, but it's nice to go through it with someone as wonderful as you.
"The times when you have seen only one set of footprints in the sand,
is when I carried you.”
is when I carried you.”
And I knew I was being carried. And it seems like as I come upon their 2 month birthday, I need to be carried less and less.
Last month I came across another Footprints poem on another blog that I felt would be good to share today. I have also added pictures of Lucas and Caleb's footprints in real size. I miss you boys!
"These are my footprints,
so perfect and so small.
These tiny footprints
never touched the ground at all.
Not one tiny footprint,
for now I have wings.
These tiny footprints were meant
for other things.
You will hear my tiny footprints,
in the patter of the rain.
Gentle drops like angel's tears,
of joy and not from pain.
You will see my tiny footprints,
in each butterflies' lazy dance.
I'll let you know I'm with you,
if you just give me the chance.
You will see my tiny footprints,
in the rustle of the leaves.
I will whisper names into the wind,
and call each one that grieves.
Most of all, these tiny footprints,
are found on Mommy and Daddy's hearts.
'Cause even though I'm gone now,
We'll never truly part." ~Unknown
I am feeling suprisingly good this morning. Caleb and Lucas are sharing their special day with another little boy, Jacob. It helps to know that there is another mommy who is remembering her little boy the way I am remembering mine today. I love you, Dana. I hate that we have to go through this, but it's nice to go through it with someone as wonderful as you.
Another month
2 months ago right we were searching for Caleb's heartbeat, trying to determine if we were beginning to lose him. 29 minutes from now, 2 months ago Lucas was born, stillborn......and 29 minutes from now, 2 months ago Caleb was brought into this world. I didn't get to hear if he cried or not, I was out cold. (the time on my posting is off, so please don't compare the time the post went up)
Not a day goes by that I don't miss my two little angels. They are with me everyday. The past couple of days have been pretty good, amazing really. And I am so grateful for that. And I know with it being the 1st, today will be a little tougher to get through. But I am determined to make the best out of today. I am going to enjoy Colton and Ethan, and love them with all I have.
Going to bed now to hold onto Willy until I fall asleep. I am suprisingly not bawling my eyes out right now. Grateful for the change, but a little confused by it all. I am still determined not to let our loss define me.
Good night and sweet dreams
Not a day goes by that I don't miss my two little angels. They are with me everyday. The past couple of days have been pretty good, amazing really. And I am so grateful for that. And I know with it being the 1st, today will be a little tougher to get through. But I am determined to make the best out of today. I am going to enjoy Colton and Ethan, and love them with all I have.
Going to bed now to hold onto Willy until I fall asleep. I am suprisingly not bawling my eyes out right now. Grateful for the change, but a little confused by it all. I am still determined not to let our loss define me.
Good night and sweet dreams
Thursday, July 29, 2010
A letter
Dear Caleb and Lucas,
Hi boys, it's been awhile since I've written you on the blog. It usually helps so much to just talk and cry to your pictures. But today I am really missing you. No reason in particular, except for the fact that you aren't here with me. And oh how I wish you were.
Daddy and I have been really busy around the house lately, getting it ready to sell. It's help to keep my mind occupied, but there are still days like today when the two of you are right there in front. There is so much that I miss about you. I miss you kicking me everytime I sit down. I miss the both of you getting the hiccups at the same time. It always made me laugh. And I miss rubbing my big ol' belly and you tapping my hand.
Days like today are so hard. I cry alot of tears for you. Except today I was really good at holding them until naptime. But once the boys fell asleep, they came pouring out. I just really wish you were here with me. I really wish I was getting impatient to deliver and meet the two of you. I really wish you carseats were ready in the van to bring you home. Once again, this really sucks!
I had some guilt earlier this week. For a couple of days, I just couldn't shake that I should have made some different decisions, that I should have asked different questions. I know losing the two of you isn't my fault. It's just part of the grieving, I'm sure. And when I woke up yesterday, I remembered a couple of facts that helped to remind me that there is nothing I could have done differently to get a better outcome.
Mommy really loves you, Lucas and Caleb. And I know you are watching over me, but it shouldn't be that way. I think of you every hour of every day. And Colton talks about you and Ethan still kisses your necklace. Daddy is missing you also! We all love the two of you so much.
Love,
Mommy
Hi boys, it's been awhile since I've written you on the blog. It usually helps so much to just talk and cry to your pictures. But today I am really missing you. No reason in particular, except for the fact that you aren't here with me. And oh how I wish you were.
Daddy and I have been really busy around the house lately, getting it ready to sell. It's help to keep my mind occupied, but there are still days like today when the two of you are right there in front. There is so much that I miss about you. I miss you kicking me everytime I sit down. I miss the both of you getting the hiccups at the same time. It always made me laugh. And I miss rubbing my big ol' belly and you tapping my hand.
Days like today are so hard. I cry alot of tears for you. Except today I was really good at holding them until naptime. But once the boys fell asleep, they came pouring out. I just really wish you were here with me. I really wish I was getting impatient to deliver and meet the two of you. I really wish you carseats were ready in the van to bring you home. Once again, this really sucks!
I had some guilt earlier this week. For a couple of days, I just couldn't shake that I should have made some different decisions, that I should have asked different questions. I know losing the two of you isn't my fault. It's just part of the grieving, I'm sure. And when I woke up yesterday, I remembered a couple of facts that helped to remind me that there is nothing I could have done differently to get a better outcome.
Mommy really loves you, Lucas and Caleb. And I know you are watching over me, but it shouldn't be that way. I think of you every hour of every day. And Colton talks about you and Ethan still kisses your necklace. Daddy is missing you also! We all love the two of you so much.
Love,
Mommy
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Setting a date
So, as many of you know, we are wanting to put our house on the market. We have always been on a five year plan, it's been five years, I want to move!!! I want a new house to build new memories in. I want to leave this house that holds all the memories of my pregnancy gone wrong. We've had some wonderful and amazing memories in this house, but we've always known it wasn't our last. I brought two healthy babies home to this house, but I also came home empty handed when I should have been bringing home two more.
We are going to leave the nursery furniture in the nursery when we put in on the market, but I have to straighten it up. Not to mention take down the black sheet that covers the entryway to the nursery. I have decided that instead of waiting until I was in the right mindset (that may never happen) that I would mark a date on the calendar to do it. It couldn't be the 1st of a month, it couldn't be a Tuesday, and it couldn't be a Friday.
I chose Wednesday, August 4th. On this day I will go in there with a box of Kleenex and totes and do what I don't want to every do. I will pack up blankets, clothes, and the sets of pairs of shoes that line the wall. I will take the matching bouncy seats and put them in storage along with the twin nursing pillow. And I will put Ethan or Colton's crib set in the crib so it doesn't look so empty. The twin's monkey sheets will be put in their box.
I am going to try and journal that time with pictures. I hope it helps me get through it a little easier. Because I know it will be like saying good-bye all over again. Honestly, if it wasn't for us selling the house, I probably would never do it.
We are going to leave the nursery furniture in the nursery when we put in on the market, but I have to straighten it up. Not to mention take down the black sheet that covers the entryway to the nursery. I have decided that instead of waiting until I was in the right mindset (that may never happen) that I would mark a date on the calendar to do it. It couldn't be the 1st of a month, it couldn't be a Tuesday, and it couldn't be a Friday.
I chose Wednesday, August 4th. On this day I will go in there with a box of Kleenex and totes and do what I don't want to every do. I will pack up blankets, clothes, and the sets of pairs of shoes that line the wall. I will take the matching bouncy seats and put them in storage along with the twin nursing pillow. And I will put Ethan or Colton's crib set in the crib so it doesn't look so empty. The twin's monkey sheets will be put in their box.
I am going to try and journal that time with pictures. I hope it helps me get through it a little easier. Because I know it will be like saying good-bye all over again. Honestly, if it wasn't for us selling the house, I probably would never do it.
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