A Whole New Level of Unfair

This is Colton. He is my first born. This little boy is so full of love it is just amazing. He has all the qualities that I love about his dad. He is so aware of everyone and everything around him. And most who spend more than 10 minutes with him comments on how sweet and caring he is. He taught me what indescribable love is.

He is boy through and through.

And the faces he makes never fail to bring a smile to my face.

And he is an amazing big brother. He has loved Ethan from the very beginning. And I really don't recall much jealousy when Ethan was born. He really looks after Ethan.

Colton was so excited about Lucas and Caleb. He talked about them every day. And he still does. He asks about them now. He has been trying really hard to understand that they are no longer here on Earth. It is such a hard concept to grasp at the age of 4. And every time he sees me cry, he hugs me and tells me it's okay, we'll have more babies. But last night the finality of it all hit him, hard. He cried for over an hour saying he really, really misses Lucas and Caleb. And there was nothing I could do except hold him, rub his back, and tell him, "I know, me too." And he just cried and repeated it over and over. And I sat there helpless. And got angry at the fact that my son has to hurt so much, and there is nothing I can do to take the pain away. He hugged their monkeys and finally cried himself to sleep with me next to him rubbing his back. No parent should ever have to lose a child, but for a child to lose a sibling, it is that much harder. I hate that Ethan and Colton also lost their little brothers.

Colton reading to Lucas and Caleb 3 days before Caleb's bag ruptured. Once again, I can't help but ask why and feel angry. Like the mama lion protecting her young.