02/21/11

I want to start off by saying how absolutely beautiful last week was. The boys and I were outside every day! And we had 3 crazy fun packed days that really wore us out. And I am so grateful for that.

Friday, February 18th, was the one year anniversary of when we found out we were having twins. I woke up and felt it through my whole body. My started to replay scenes from that amazing day, but I kept stopping them. I didn't want to think about it. Colton had to get to school and I had MOPS. I did breakdown in bed with Willy for a few minutes. Then fixed my hair, picked out jewelry, and put on make-up.

The meeting was great! Before was tough since I forgot that it was pajama day for Colton at school and that he was supposed to bring saltine crackers. I felt like a crappy mom, but knew my mind was in other places. He didn't really notice, though. After the meeting, Alicia approached me and invited me to lunch with some other moms, Amy and Jennifer. All three moms have twins in kindergarten, I met them through MOPS and MOMS. And I really felt today was a good day to do this. Big step, no HUGE step for me. And it wasn't hard. It was really fun. After lunch, we picked up Colton and headed to the park where some other MOPS moms were at. Lots of running and rolling down hills.

The day was good. Saturday was good. Sunday we were exhausted. The boys went to bed at 6:30 and I followed by 10:00. As I was pulling down the blankets, I caught the picture of Lucas and Caleb out of the corner of my eye. I picked it up, dusted off the glass and the tears began to fall. Sad tears, guilt tears, tears of disbelief. I felt sad that they aren't here with me, physically. I felt guilty that there was dust on their picture, that I hadn't really looked at their picture in days. And I couldn't believe we had really been through all this.

I felt like I had done myself and my grief an injustice for not taking the time on Friday, a big day for them a year ago, to really let myself grieve. I did last night. I held their picture close, then placed it on my lap and traced their faces like I used to last summer. I talked to them, told them how much I loved them and miss them. And replayed all those moments from a year ago. The surprise, the fear, the pride, and the excitement. I remembered how special I felt to be blessed with twins, how awesome and fun it was going to be, how we were going to be part of the cool new parenting club. Then it was all ripped away and I was placed in the babyloss club. How unfair!

I wonder now if I am going about all this the right way. I keep myself, and my family, busy. We don't have much down time, especially when hard days are approaching. I know that if I am busy and having fun, then I don't have time to dwell on the sadness of what's missing. But then I really don't give myself that time to be sad. It eventually hits, and it can hit pretty hard. I don't know.

Below is the video I took the day we found out. We had decided to keep a video diary of the pregnancy in the very beginning. The diary came to an end around 18 weeks when I was just too tired to keep up with it. If I would have only known at the time...