A year ago today, I started this blog. The intention was to share our twin pregnancy and our lives raising twins and 2 older sons. As I started writing and designing it, I thought of all the laughter our crazy life would bring our friends and family. And the insight to what it was like raising twins. Here's the post if you are interested. I am still happy that I started this blog. I have a lot of great memories recorded those first months. And although the tone and intent has drastically changed, I am so grateful for this place.
I probably should have written this last night when I was deep in my emotions. And I almost got out of bed to write, but it was late and I just didn't have the phsyical strength. I hate grief, I hate hormones, and together they make for some pretty rough times. As many of you know, I've changed birth controls. I've been on this new one for two months now and I DO NOT like it. It causes PMS symptoms similar to first trimester symptoms. How unfair is that. Couple that with grief, and it is a disaster!
I am one of those who are able to be aware when I am being irrational and crazy. (most the time) It's so hard to feel the anger and frustration build up and watch myself go crazy. Then to not be really able to control it, it's torture. I was angry last night for no reason, and was able to simmer down enough to not go stomping downstairs with my pillow. When I expressed my frustration with myself, I broke down. The load cries, with the heaving. Loud enough that Willy told me I was going to wake the boys if I didn't settle a little. Then I started laughing. Seriously. All the while I felt like I was standing next to the bed watching someone who should be committed somewhere. I felt crazy nuts. When all was over, Willy was warm with me and I soon felt much better. The whole time I knew I was acting insane, I was completely aware of it, but there was nothing I could do to stop it. And I know that this is probably the last month for this pill. This has happened both months I have been on it and I don't think I want to try for a third.
Some of the grief part that helped bring this on is the anxiety of today. Today I am getting my hair cut off. YAY for that! But I haven't seen my stylist in a year, and alot has happened in a year. She knew I was pregnant with the twins, we talked quite a bit about it. At the time my biggest concern was Vanishing Twin, and she mentioned how it had happenend to a friend of hers. I know she hasn't forgotten. And if for some reason she did, how do I respond when she asks how we have been doing? I mean, really? I have an hour and a half to catch up with her. I don't want to not mention my baby boys, but I don't want to play Princess Doom either. I am sure the right words will come to me.
I hope that you find the words to talk about your boys that seem right to you. I hope that your stylist is gentle with you and understanding, sometimes I feel that so much kindness comes from those people that I least expect to show it.
ReplyDeleteI am sorry things are so tough right now. So much of what you say resonates with me. I too was worried about vanishing twin syndrome, the irony never leaves me. I am also so very angry and I actually scare myself sometimes about how angry I feel.
Wishing you much gentleness. xx
I hope that the appointment went well and you were able to find the words that made you feel comfortable. It's so hard to know just how to talk about our babies. I think I have finally become "comfortable" with talking about my little boy who was born still. As comfortable as one can ever be talking about the loss of a child. Thank you for sharing your first post. It is so heartbreaking to know how all of your excitement would turn to grief. I also started Drew's blog as a space to celebrate and was grateful to have the space for grief when he passed away. I am sorry that your new BC is causing such problems. Not a good thing around such a sensitive time! The next few months are going to bring lots of bittersweet memories. I will be thinking about you and sending you supportive love and hugs!
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