Today

"I thought taking a job meant I was putting more of her behind me, or trying to get back to a time before she existed. Then again, I always think that sort of thing when I pass a marker. My heart panics, but when it catches up with reality, everything becomes clear: she is still with me, she is still gone. No more, no less. Wherever I put my heart and my energy now, it is because of her and what she has made me. She can’t possibly be left behind. "

This is a quote from the current Glow in the Woods post. And I love it! It puts into words what I have felt many times. This fear, this thought hits me so randomly, and like a brick wall. I can be talking with a friend, laughing at a joke, and it'll hit me. I am happy. I am enjoying my life. But my babies are still gone. And I wonder, sometimes, if those who know, but aren't close to me think I've "moved on" or that I don't think about Lucas and Caleb. They are always with me, close to my heart, and not very far from my mind.

Don't get me wrong, I love that I can truly enjoy my life. Sometimes it's just a little harder to swallow. Sometimes the guilt creeps in a little, even though I know that Lucas and Caleb would want me to be happy. It's still there a little. But I believe that little bit of guilt is what helps me to have good days, also. That guilt tells my head what my heart knows. That I love them and miss them, even though I am doing pretty well.

There are some markers coming up, and quickly, that is going to give me a really tough time. It is hard to go even a day without thinking that I was pregnant and sick and elated this time last year. And these days hurt nearly as much as the weekly markers in the beginning, the 36-week mark, and their actual due date. I push through hard moments right now. Hoping for some relief, because I am not ready to deal with it. I don't want a week of sadness. I want a day, a day of my choosing. I day when I can cry and watch junk tv all day. A day that when it is over, I can go to bed knowing that tomorrow will be brighter.

It just hit me that it's a Tuesday.