This is the first year I have cried on Lucas and Caleb's birthday. Honestly, it has always been a day where we smiled, celebrated their short lives, and enjoyed time together. I am sure we'll make it to that this afternoon. But this year has been incredibly hard. The grief has been intense, the bouts of crying ugly. I have had so many flashbacks, and I have once again found myself dealing with guilt.
I know it is probably a combination of things that is making it so hard, or maybe it really isn't. Maybe it has something to do with the ages of Simon and Benjamin this year. I missed out on so much during this season with Colton and Ethan. Maybe it is just how grief is. It is ugly, it is frustrating, and it is it's own beast. I have been surprised this year by how much pain I have felt leading up to this day. This is the most I have cried and grieved since their first birthday.
I am grateful for the love and support those in my life show me this time of year. That even seven years later, when I am in the church bathroom crying, they are still loving and encouraging. They are praying with me and for me. They give me the, "This sucks, I love you." glance. I hope that all moms who are missing their babies are surrounded by the same. Because I know I couldn't walk this alone. I have learned that I don't have this, that grief can still pack a punch, and keep on punching.
A while back I made this blog private since I wasn't writing anymore. Life became busy, I wasn't really needing or using this space as I once did. But I'm going to open it back up for awhile. Maybe I'll write some more here, or maybe there is someone out there who is searching for a similar story to hers.