05*31*13

I'm supposed to be making cowboy coffee cake for Friday Morning Coffee.  It is half put together and mixed in the kitchen.  I have to take a break though.  I thought maybe I would escape the tears today.  I felt great when I woke up and the sun was shining.  But the pain has rolled in with the clouds.  Grief and tears began to linger just under the surface.  And one of the things I have learned from this journey is that if I don't let the tears fall, if I don't feel what I need to feel, then the pain will hang around all day.  And they day will be shot.  So here I am writing, getting it all out.  Letting the tears fall.

I can't believe it's been three years since we went through all this.  The flashbacks are serious this year.  Lying in the hospital, watching the clock, praying to make it to 48 hours.  Last night as I was getting ready for bed, I remembered how Willy brought me the three HUGE containers of different types of M&M's.  Us hanging out there, nervously joking around, not knowing what was just around the corner.

Tonight marks three years since we learned Lucas' heart quit beating.  The horrible pain that came at that moment, and then the knowledge that I had to keep it held together to give Caleb a fighting chance.  I'll never forget those quiet moments when the nurses, then Dr M searched and searched for some sign of a heartbeat.  And then when she looked at me with the sad look, and I knew. 

There are a lot of reason why the pain is so raw and intense this year.  It has really caught me by surprise.  Thanks to my friends and family who have shared their love and prayers this month, and over the past three years as we've walked through all this.  You all mean more to me that you can ever know.  Sorry for the tear jerker first thing in the morning, but my tears have fallen this morning.  I hope the sun comes out and grief lets me be for today.

Love you baby boys!  Off to make some breakfast.

A Gloomy Thursday

I was going to post about our awesome weekend, but picture won't load.  And I really feel I wouldn't be doing this journey any justice if I didn't share about the horrible visit from grief on Thursday.  Writing is helpful, but I couldn't even make it to the computer to write that day. 

My grandma (mom's side) has been sick for awhile.  Colon cancer.  I won't go into details because she is a pretty private person.  But things are looking good anymore. 

My grandma and I are extrememely close.  I talk to her several times a week.  She has been a faith mentor to me growing up.  And she is just an amazing person.  I really can't describe how close we really all, because there are no words to do our relationship justice. 

Having lost two babies of my own, I know the pain of grief.  And I know how much losing her is going to hurt.  I really know.  And combining that knowledge with the winddown of the holiday season, I had a tough day.

It was one of those days when I couldn't think without crying.  The crying that comes with the inability to catch your breath.  Much like the crying the first few days and weeks after saying good bye to my sweet babies.  I would get up and try to think about dinner, and the tears would flow.  The loud cries that turn heads.  I would get frustrated and just give up on that task.  I'd move back to the couch, push play on Netflix, and curl up under my blanket.  I'd resurface when Simon woke up to eat.  Then he would smile at me, I'd think about seeing double the smile, and the tears would fall once again. 

I would then get angry that I was holding my perfect, smiling little boy, and still be crying.  I am incredibly grateful to have Simon. But there are days like Thursday when holding him also brings back the pain of losing his brothers.  There is such a delcate balance there.  I felt guilt for not being able to fully be in the moment with Simon.

When grief sarted closing in, I tried to fight it.  Then I realized that I really just had to Walk Through It.  It is easy to forget at times how to grief in a way that is right for you.  Being 31 months out, I don't have days like this very often.  And yet it always blows me away how fresh the pain is on days like that.  And I hate it.  I felt like my heart was being ripped out and shredded all over again.

I must say, though, that the day wore on.  Around 6 or so I began to feel better.  Walking through, chocolate, and lots of prayer helped me through the day.  I want to share that it is refreshing to know that I no longer feel anger towards God on days like Thursday.  That's a pretty big step. I am not sure when that transition was made, but I love it!

Getting Ready for Christmas

I'm not posting as much as I'd like.  Google has made it a little more time consuming to add photos, and when I tried the other day, it wouldn't load any.  But we'll get there. 

 

This Christmas season has treated us well.  There are times that are tough.  Actually there are moments when this holiday season is harder than last year's.  Simon is here and healthy.  But all we are doing with him for the first time, we missed with Lucas and Caleb.  Willy and I have both had some grief struggles, and I am sure there's some more on the way.

 

Here are some pictures of what we've been up to so far.  I really, really want to get better about posting.  

 

 

The boys with their ornaments this year.  We all get a special ornament every year.  And their first Christmas it is a Pooh first Christmas ornament.

 

Simon and I putting his ornament on the tree.

 

 Ethan and I

 

Colton and I

Simon with the ornaments I made for what would have been Lucas and Caleb's first Christmas.

 

 

We also saw Santa last week.  This close to Christmas you have to go in at 9:00am or earlier to get a pass to see him in the evening.  Luckily, with the pass we didn't have to wait long at all.

 

Simon while waiting to see him.



 And all three boys on Santa's lap. 

Willy later asked me how many people we know and trust would we let hold all three of our boys at the same time. Oops!  I have to admit I was nervous, but Santa seemed confident and big brothers were holding on tight.  And Simon didn't scream.  That picture will be next years!

 

We also had family pictures taken last night.  I'll post some of them probably tomorrow.  It's on my agenda for tomorrow.  But I just want to say having a third child with us makes our family feel much larger than it has in the past.

23 Weeks

This weekly post is different.  Lucas and Caleb's birthday (wow, just typing that brings on the tears) is just 2 days away.  It's just different.

I am excited to be at 23 weeks.  Simon is active as ever, it's as if he knows I need to know he is there, alive and spunky.  I feel good physically, and that heat isn't totally wiping me out yet.

But this week is hard.  I've felt strong emotionally up until the past few days.  Grief has crept in ever so slowly.  And today, whew, I'm already exhausted from it.  My heart hurts.  Every little pain, or too long without movement from Simon sends me into panic mode.  I am replaying those days in the hospital over and over again.  Who was there, what we talked about, how I felt.  I remember watching each hour passing, as we neared the next steroid shot and 48 hour mark.  I remember how positive I felt that it was all going to be okay.  I remember not yet being a part of this babyloss community.  (Although I love each and every one of you!)

There's a lot of pain, hurt right now.  And there is alot of fear.  I think that is the main difference between last year and this year.  Last year I grieved all we had lost and all we had been through.  This year I am missing them, but I am also so afraid we are going to lose Simon.  I am sure the time lines being so similar has tons to do with that. 

Last night about 1:30am, I woke up to a sharp pain in my right side.  I rolled over, trying to see if it would go away.  The pain was stabbing, and would only last a few seconds.  But then it would come back a few minutes later.  For some reason, Simon would kick that spot right after the pain hit. (Thank you baby boy for letting me know you were there)  I came downstairs to see if sitting up would help any.  All I could think about was what would they do if something was wrong?  I am not quite 24 weeks, so would they try and keep me pregnant until then?  Or if they had to take Simon, would they try to keep him alive, or apologize and bow their heads?  Then anger crept in.  These thoughts, these fears shouldn't be running through my mind.  I shouldn't know the reality of it all.  And I began to grieve the idea of a blissful pregnancy.

When I woke up this morning, I knew today wasn't going to be easy.  I tried to shake it off and headed downstairs.  I guess Lucas and Caleb knew also, as their light was on.  Normally it makes me smile, but today it brought on the tears. 

With all of this, I am feeling like a not so great momma.  Colton and Ethan are playing upstairs, quietly and together.  And I just don't feel I have it in me to embrace being their momma today.  I am grateful they have each other to play with.  I just feel guilty for not wanting to join in on their fun.

I'm spent.

21 Weeks

21 Weeks!!!!  Skipped 20 weeks, thanks to having a really healthy boy.  I am still feeling a little nervous by how big Mr. Simon is, but know that big is better than small.  Keep growing, little man.

Baby Size: 10 inches (supposed to be, but probably more like 11 or 12)

Weight Gain: 9 lbs!  Whoo hoo!  The walking Colton to and from school is really paying off.  I gained 1 lb between 4 week appointments.

How I feel:  Pregnancy wise, pretty darn good.  The other stuff I'll touch on further down.

Symptoms:  Reflux, but without the heartburn still.  My tailbone is KILLING me by the end of the day.  It was cracked during delivery with Colton.  Love my 9lb 7oz boy who came out face up.

Cravings:  Nothing set.  Varies from day to day, sometimes hour to hour.

Best Part of Last Week: Watching my Simon swim around.  The boy just wriggled everywhere.  I am so grateful we found out he was a boy in the beginning so we could really enjoy the rest of the show.  Love, love my little man!!

Looking forward to: Enjoying all the movement Simon blesses me with.


I know I have been pretty quiet the last week or so here and on facebook.  I caught the horrendous virus the boys had, and it is wiping me out!  I was lucky enough to not have a fever.  But, the cough is a nightmare.  I would rather have a 2 day stomach flu than this cough that is plaguing me.  I have tried everything I could find and think of to tone it down some.  Just yesterday I came across a blog that mentioned rubbing Vicks on my neck.  And it is actually working some.  Thank you!!!  I've been averaging 3-4 hours of sleep a night for the past 5 nights or so.  And I just haven't had the energy to do much of anything, let alone be social. 

The weekend was good.  We hit up some garage sales on Saturday morning.  We found some great deals on lots of baby stuff.  Though it seemed like there were a lot more baby girl stuff out there.    And on Sunday I slept in a bit.  Dru and I went baby shopping (and a little scrapbook shopping).  It was nice to get out a little and be distracted from Mother's Day some.  The boys gave me their gifts when we got home, and then we went out to dinner.  It was a nice day, low-key really.  I know Mother's Day will always sting.

I cannot express how thrilled I am to be having another boy.  And how amazed I am.  There hasn't been any feelings of sadness.  I love this little baby so much.  He is absolutely perfect and healthy.  He is moving around more, and I love that so much.  And Willy finally got to feel him move last night.  The boys are also so very in love with Simon.  Last night they both hugged "him" before heading to bed.  And Ethan, knowing Simon can hear his now, was talking baby talk to him last night. 

All that being said, there are a few moments of grief that pop in there.  The fact that he weighs what Caleb weighed when he was born, and that he has their nose, it makes me wonder what other qualities of theirs he'll have.  Will I seem them when I look in his beautiful eyes?  There will be moments when I wonder if his personality will be similar to what theirs would have been like.   He is definitely more rambunctious like Lucas was. 

As their second birthday approaches, and the 24th week of this pregnancy, I know my heart is going to ache more.  Grief is making a subtle approach right now.  I know this year won't be as hard as last, but it will still hurt.  I miss my two babies, and want so bad for my Simon to continue to grow and be healthy.  I find myself trying not to think about this summer too much.  I dreaded being pregnant in the summer, then lost Lucas and Caleb in June.  I try not to talk about how hot it's going to be.  I try not to think about the boys starting school in the fall and how crazy pregnant I will be.  There are lots of flashbacks when I walk Ethan to his classroom right now.  The halls have puzzle shaped mirrors in them.  I always glance at my belly as I pass them, just as I did with Lucas and Caleb.  And with it being the end of the year, Ethan being in same classroom Colton was then, it just all comes rushing back.  As the school year closes, I feel their pregnancy closing also.  And I just hold on tight and pray for my Simon. 

Changing the subject, let's end with some pictures:

Dru found this and gave it to me for Mother's Day.  I love that she still shows that she thinks of Lucas and Caleb.  Thank you!!

The gifts from Willy, Colton, and Ethan.  Very creative!!

Oops, this is sideways.  One of the many, many things Ethan made for me.

My first hand-written-all-by-myself Mother's Day card from Colton!

Due to the really warm weather, Lucas and Caleb's lillies are blooming early.  This makes me kind of sad, as they should be blooming the week of their birthday.  They are beautiful, though, and make me think of my sweet baby boys.

Here are some of the buys from the weekend.  I went through what we have left from Colton and Ethan.  All I could find was onesies and socks.  I guess I sold the rest several years ago, before we became pregnant with the twins. 

The rockstar collection.

Little brother/Big Brother shirts

A few outfits.

A few more outfits.

Love these!!

And my 21 week picture.  The panel on my pants is pretty much useless anymore.  I've been folding it down or just not wearing the ones with panels.

18-21 weeks...though I guess it is really 19-21 weeks.  Lots of growth going on!!

7 Months

Dear Lucas and Caleb,

It's been seven months since saying hello and good-bye. You are on my mind often and I miss you so very much. Yesterday was New Years Eve and it started out okay. By mid-afternoon, the grief of a new year beginning hit crazy hard and crazy fast. I laid in bed and cried. And when Daddy found me, he laid next to me, held me, and comforted me as I cried. He loves the two of you so much and misses you. It was nice to have him there to help me get through my meltdown.

2010 is your year. The year you were born and lost. It will always be your year. And I find it really hard to think your year is over. It's hard to comprehend that the two of you died "last year". I don't like that phrase when talking about you, and will probably keep from using it.

We are really shooting for some good luck this year. We had doughnuts for breakfast, and are having black-eyed peas and ham for dinner. I really don't like black-eyed peas and usually only eat 2 or so. Last year I remember being proud of eating 5...how ironic that that's the number of months you were with us. This year I rinsed them really well and put them in ham, green bean, potato casserole, and I will eat TONS!!! Can't even taste them.

Christmas was good. Thank you for the snow you sent. I really wanted a white Christmas, and snow reminds me of you, and brings me peace. It was the perfect gift. I thought about you often throughout the holiday season. And I cried a few times on Christmas Day. I felt the hole that was left behind when you died. But I also was reminded that you are in Heaven, watching down on us, and that one day I will hold you in my arms again.

Well, babies, that just about wraps up December. Today isn't as hard as past anniversaries. It is getting more tolerable. And I know that is how you want it to be. We all miss you so much. And Colton still talks about you often. He's such a great big brother. We love you!!!

Mommy

Blech

I am exhausted. There are a million things going on inside. And I just feel drained. Think I am going to just hide away for a couple of days until I feel chipper again.

Christmas was good. It is put away and that is kind of free-ing. Everyone is winding down and I just need to get used to having some down time with little distractions. I already miss being busy.

Be back in a few days....hope everyone is recovering from the holidays well.

Getting the Job Done

The tears fell, they poured down my face. And then came the peace, the serenity, the freedom.

I am no longer a stranger to grief. I know how he works, how he lurks, and I can usually feel him creeping up behind me. And now I know how to call him out from his hiding spot. How to face him, arms in the sky, white flag in my hand. Because once he attacks, he leaves me alone for awhile.

I have been feeling the tension for a week now. I have been feeling the weight of the tears. I have known it was too good to be true to get through Christmas without a meltdown. Yesterday I had a few tough moments, moments where the tears fell, and the anger began to creep back. Last night, I went in to kiss the boys good night, and I found Colton sleeping with his head on Lucas' monkey. My heart ripped open. I cried, talked to Lucas and Caleb's picture, and cried some more. Then when Willy came up to bed, I cried to him.

I woke up this morning knowing that this was the morning to call grief out, deal with him, and make him go away for awhile. I wanted to cry and grieve on my terms. In my own time, how I wanted to.

I fed the boys breakfast, made sure they were busy playing, and pulled out the twins' tote. I first found the prayer shaw that was made for me. I wrapped it around my shoulders and felt the comfort and warmth. I pulled out all the cards we've received and read all the thoughts and prayers that have been sent to us. I pulled out their ultrasound pictures. Pictures of them alive and well, safe in my belly. I opened their memory boxes and found the blood stains on each blanket. Proof that they were here. I cried over these the hardest.

I found shoes they should be wearing right now, cute little navy blue velcro. Caleb's lock of hair and a micro-preemie blood pressure cuff. It barely cuffs around my finger. Then there are the hats they wore and the sleepers they never will. Oh how I wish I would have sent someone to my house to pick them up so we could put the boys in them for a picture.

After 30 minutes or so, I carefully packed it all back, with so much tenderness and love. I kissed their blankets, tied their boxes, and put the lid back on. I dried my tears, hugged the monkeys, and sent my love to Lucas and Caleb. I took a shower to wash away the grief residue. And sent him on his way.

And I feel better. Much better and much lighter. I feel ready to enjoy and embrace all the great times that are coming up quickly. And I know that as I pushed through all this this morning, that I wasn't alone.

Take that, grief!

Here, There, Everywhere

Where am I? I seem to be quite lost these past several days. Tomorrow is SIX months and the build-up to this milestone is kicking my butt. I finally get to the point where I am doing pretty well, then I hit another dead end and have to try over again. Really? Can I just find the way out, or at least a steady path for a little while? Because right now, it's getting kind of bumpy and it's rather exhausting.

I try to keep honest, so here is the raw honesty of what's going on today...

Today's trigger. Identical twin boys born at 28.5 weeks. They were born an hour ago. Their mom has been battling pre-term labor since 22 weeks. I am ever so grateful they were able to hold on for as long as they have been. I have prayed so hard for her and her babies over the past couple of months. They are weighing in at 2.9 and 2.5. Good weights. And I know they are in good hands in the NICU. But there is such a long road ahead of these precious baby boys and their family.

It's been a pretty big emotional battle for me. The mom is a good friend of a friend on mine. Most of me wants to run far away from all this. I mean really, I know I most likely cannot handle identical twin baby boys right now. Who wants to see me when they are fighting for their sons' lives? Feels a little selfish, it's been six months. I feel it shouldn't be about me and how I am feeling anymore. Like it's time to put on my big girl panties and suck it up. (Is there a line for this?) So a small part of me, the old me, the good me, wants to be there, meet her face to face, and tell her it will all be okay. The odds are really in their favor here.

But I also see this as a stepping stone. It's bound to happen at some point. Someone close will get pregnant with twins...it's inevitable. So why not start with a friend of a friend to get me a little closer to handling it all? Sounds like part of a plan to me.

For those of you who pray, please pray for these babies and this family. Her name is Katie and the boys' names are Grant and Bryce. For those that don't, please keep them in your thoughts.

I am feeling better now, much better. And I am feeling pretty positive again. And maybe I will, in a few weeks, meet her, face-to-face. It could actually be a little healing for me. I am grateful for this place to write and share. I really don't know what I would do without this blog and the wonderful people who read it and comment.

P.S. So I hit publish, and suddenly felt this wave of peacefulness come over me. Just wanted to let you all know.

Overhaul

I am sitting here almost five months out from saying good-bye to Lucas and Caleb. And I really can't believe I've made it this far. The days following May 31st when we first learned we had lost Lucas were near impossible. Everything happened so fast and I honestly had no idea how I was going to survive each hour, let alone weeks and months. But I'm here and doing pretty darn well.

I feel a new season coming upon me. I am making huge strides in this journey and there are some big things coming up. We are selling our house. And I have emotionally disconnected from it. It's a good thing. I still have times when I look at the bookcase in the living room and imagine the pack n play there with my babies in it. And it still hurts once in awhile to look at the crib they should be sleeping in at night, or the chest where their clothes should be. I'm ready for a fresh start.

And even though nothing is decided yet, but the road to TTC is coming up. My six month mark is speeding closer and I'm getting excited. Willy and I still discussing if we are ready or not, but I am shooting for a YES! It still might be awhile, I know....but I'm hoping for our rainbow baby in the next year or so.

Plus I am really just enjoying and embracing life again. I am mean really embracing it. I am having so much fun with Colton and Ethan. I still think about and miss Lucas and Caleb, and I still have tough days, but they are becoming farther apart and fewer.

This rambling all means something, I promise. There are some blogs that I follow or moms who lost twins a year or more ago. I enjoy their honesty and they way they share their lives now, in the moment. They live their lives in the moment. They have other children here on Earth and I relate well to them. They are where I want to be. They still miss and write about their babies, but they also really embrace the blessings they have with them.

It is time for a complete overhaul. I really want to focus more on the positives, and this includes my blog. I am still going to share my hard moments, because that is very much a part of this journey. But the good moments need to be shared also. When this blog was first started it was to share the fun times expecting twins and then ALL the moments after the twins were born. Well, there was a HUGE detour, but they were born and here we are learning to live our lives without them.

The blog is going to take a new name, a new look, and the posts will be more about our family and our lives and not limited to missing Lucas and Caleb. I want to be one of those mom's that other BLM's can look at and see that there is some sunshine in the future. That even at this point it isn't all doom and gloom anymore. We all grieve differently, especially since everyone's situations and experiences are different. But I want to really share how our family is doing at the given moment.

So here's to some big changes and a new outlook. I am looking forward to the open honesty I am ready to portray once more. I hope to get all the changes up and running over the next week or so.

A big thank you to everyone who reads and comments. Your support has played a large part in where I am on this journey.

The Dream

A few nights ago I had the most vivid dream of Lucas and Caleb. I really want to share the details on here since I really think it is a HUGE part in all this. Since it's been a few days, it might be a little choppy, but most dreams are, anyway.

Willy and I were in our playroom with the double stroller in front of us. The twins were about 3 months old. Caleb was fine, but Lucas was dead. They had chubby cheeks, blonde hair and were so adorable. This picture will be forever burned in my memory. I picked Lucas up and held him tight. My tears fell on the top of his head and I just kept crying. Then I felt him jump a little. It was a tiny movement, but I felt it. I held him out in front of me and he opened his eyes. I cried out for Willy. My Lucas came back. He was breathing and smiling at me. His beautiful eyes just grinned with happiness. When I looked down at my Caleb he was smiling the same smile. I had both my baby boys, finally.

This dream was so vivid. I could smell them, I could feel my Lucas cuddle up into my neck. I felt this intense happiness that is indescribable. And then I woke up. But instead of breaking down in tears, realizing it was all a dream, I felt this calmness and peace. I knew Caleb and Lucas were okay, and watching down on all of us. I miss them so much, but it feels a little different now.

This dream makes me smile now, and a few tears fall when I talk about it with someone. I still feel cheated and robbed. But I am grateful to be able to picture their double smile. Sometimes it helps bring me some peace and sometimes it hurts that I won't get to experience it on a daily basis. I am really trying to embrace some positiveness in this. I have to or I am going to fall down a deep, dark hole.

Grief and Faith

I know, I know, two posts in one day...it's been one of those days. I should probably be doing a third about the One Lovely Blog Award, but maybe tomorrow.

I never miss an episode of Glee. I love the show for everything it is and all the issues it addresses. And for those of you who didn't watch tonight, tonight's episode was about faith....and grief. Because I am always reminded that the two really go hand in hand. Many of us BLM's question our faith when grief first rears it's ugly head. We wonder how our God could let us lose our babies. Many of us prayed for healthy children and lost them.

I don't write much on my blog about faith. I tend to keep it pretty personal and to myself. Because I don't like being pushed, I do my best not to push.

So I'll quit here tonight. I just wanted to make the point that I really understand now that the two go hand in hand through this journey. And thank you to the producers of Glee for tonight's episode. I know it was controversial, but I am sure it was well received.

Changing of the Seasons

Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope's monthly topic is how the changing of the seasons has effected our grief journey. I've thought on this quite a bit, and might ramble some, but here it goes.

I am thrilled for fall to FINALLY be here! The summer started with the twins being born and dying. Going into the summer (May-ish) we all talked about how hot and miserable I would be throughout. We joked about getting an window unit and closing me into the living room, making me a personal igloo. It was SO much fun joking about it and waiting for it all.

Instead the summer was comfortable instead of unbearably hot for me. I was able to do things with my family that I shouldn't have been able to. And I missed what should have been all the way.

The coming of fall was hard also. Lucas and Caleb should have been born the end of August. I should have been struggling to get them in their double stroller and Ethan unbuckled and Colton into school three mornings a week. And I should have been hearing oohs and ahhs, not "I'm so sorry." I should have been wondering when I would be capable to juggle everyone so I could go to MOPS meetings, not crying hysterically at the first meeting that I was able to help plan and set-up. And when the summer births were announced, their birth announcement shouldn't have been followed by their death announcement.

But, the changing of seasons also brings a new beginning. In a few months we are looking at Operation CA. Right now we are trying to sell our house. And let's not forget the greatness of fall decorations and Halloween decorations! I LOVE this time of year, next to winter, probably because it precedes winter. I know there will be some hard moments, but I honestly believe the worst left with summer. The worst summer of our lives has come and gone, and I truly hope the fall brings much better things for us.

Oh and I updated the picture of the day. I know, I keep getting behind.

Where I'm Sitting

Well, Friday wasn't as bad as it could have been. I was busy getting ready to go to the Lake and stay at a friend's cabin. He's been a close friend for 14 years now and has always been here for me. His wife and him were so warm and welcoming to me and my family this weekend. We are so grateful for the chance to get away and relax at a time that could have been so very difficult. I hope to blog more about our stay with pictures at some point this week.

So, the due date has come and gone. I was really shocked by the immense emotional rollercoaster it brought with it. I honestly believed since we never thought we would make it to September 17, that it would sting a little. How foolish I was. And now that it's gone, it feels different than I expected also.

It feels like I am starting back at the beginning in a way, just a lot milder. I guess it's a new chapter in all this. But I still spent a lot of time missing the twins this weekend, thinking about them, and trying to change things in my mind with the "what ifs". And it drives me absolutely batty. I mean, I've been through all this already. It makes me wonder if I am just going crazy or it's really part of the whole picture.

But I am doing better today. I feel like a did a few weeks ago and am ready to get on the ball with house stuff and Operation C.A. (hehe) I have a million things going on and am trying out a few new routines to make sure everyone and thing gets the attetion it needs and deserves.

I also would like to really mention my social anxiety. Just to put it out there to see if anyone else is going through this, or been through this and it's gone away on it's own. I have always been a very social person. I live for larger crowds!!! But since Lucas and Caleb's birth, I have issues if surrounded by more than 10 or so people. I feel physically and emotionally ill. My heart starts to race and my knees want to buckle. And it doesn't really matter what kind of group I am in, it just hits.

And I find myself feeling the same way when I think about being around extended family. There are a couple of dates coming up where there will be family around and I just start to panic a little. I can pinpoint this one a little more, but I can't seem to work through it. And I really can't decide if I want to push through it and suck it up, or just wait until I am truly ready to be there, around it all. It might be awhile, but I am sure everyone will understand. The combination of it all might just be a bad idea for me at this point.

Black Tuesday

So, we coined the term Black Tuesday almost 3 years ago after Ethan was born and I was back on birth control. It is the Tuesday before my period starts and the only day of the month I would PMS. I would always warn Willy on Monday night that Black Tuesday was the next day so he knew it would be kind of rough. And he was great about it all. The day would be filled with the usual moodiness, crankiness, and irrationality.

The Lucas and Caleb were born on a Tuesday. The term Black Tuesday took on a whole new meaning. I would spend entire Tuesdays crying and sulking. I would pretty much check out for the day. And I began to miss the old Black Tuesdays. At about 9 weeks after their birth, they began to get easier, a much welcome event.

Now Black Tuesday has become all encompassing. I am back on birth control because we have to wait a full SIX months before we can try again. And the PMS on Tuesday is back. Only it is multiplied by like 100!!! These are now the days that the pain is the most raw, the loss of my baby boys is the most real, and the tears fall the most freely. I am a complete wreck this morning and it's not even 10:00am. And my poor husband didn't even stand a chance this morning. He was probably so relieved to go to work. I love him so much and he is so understanding. Not that I yelled at him, I was just a little snippy this morning, which is out of character for me.

And to add to all this I feel like I failed Colton this morning. We were sent home a worksheet to fill out about him. It said to be as creative as we wanted. My thought was that he needed to do most of it. I honestly thought that was the idea. So we got some yellow cardstock (his favorite color) and pasted the worksheet on there. Then I let him write his name and color the worksheet. (Which he colored yellow) I cut out a picture of him and the family and he glued them to it. I thought it looked pretty good. Well, we show up to school and my heart sank. The other kids' moms had done theirs for them. They looked awesome. Some were scrapbooked, others were neatly designed on poster boards. Obviously not a 4 year olds work. I could have made Colton's look crazy cool, but I really thought the idea was for him to do most the work. I hope he can concentrate on being proud of the amazing job he did himself. And so here I am wondering what path I want to take this year with his school work. I know in the grand scheme of things, it's really not that big of a deal. But on a day like today, it kind of blow up some.

Well, Playhouse Disney has finally returned from it's summer break. I am going to put on some gym pants and a t-shirt and cuddle up with Ethan to watch "educational" cartoons. And I'm going to "float" for awhile as has been suggested by a close friend of the family.

Dreams

Now that I am finally free from the re-enaction dreams of all the events surrounding the twins' birth and loss, I am actually dreaming. Those dreams of the twins' were hard to have. I would play over and over everything that happened and would try to change something so that I would wake up and the outcome of all of it would be changed. No such luck, ever. I reached a point where I would wake up and continue thinking about it all. It was so unfair that I couldn't even escape all this in my sleep.

Well, I am back to having dreams, not quite normal, but I guess my new normal. Some have been very vivid, others a little daunting, and some quite frightening. Last week I woke up in middle of the night from a pretty crazy dream. I decided to write it down. Then I couldn't sleep so I decided to interpret it online. Some pretty awesom insights came to light! Even though I'm not directly dreams about Lucas and Caleb, this journey is still represented in so tons of ways through my dreams. Which makes sense, beings it is permenantly stamped on my subconscious.

So I've decided to keep a dream journal. On those nights when I wake up remembering specific details and storylines of dreams, I am writing it all down. Then in the morning I dissect it, look it up, and figure out what in this crazy world my subconscious is trying to make me see. And it works! I mean there are a few things I have been bouncing around on and the logical answer is right there in my dreams.

Of course there are some that are pretty "Well, duh." But others are really helping me out. The best from last night was in part of my dream I was lost in a dark area and it interpretted to be, "still adjusting to new situation where rules and conditions are ever changing." Well, that pretty much sums my life these days. I think many of you BLM's can agree that this road is always changing, how we feel is always changing, and a rule that might apply today has no bearing what-so-ever tomorrow.

I encourage my BLM friends to try this just one time. I honestly think it could be worthwhile and maybe a little fun. Then if you want, share pieces of it that fit together for you.

And I plan on updating 365 on Monday or Tuesday. I know I am way behind, but things are a little chaotic right now and I am feeling a little overwhelmed in some areas.

I know, I know

I know that I should be doing a post with pictures about our camping/float trip right now. I promise I am working on it. Hopefully tomorrow it'll get up. We really had a great time and I can't wait to share some really magical pictures.

Yesterday was a little tougher than I expected. Colton had his pre-K open house/orientation. And I had crazy anxiety ALL day about it. I even forced some tears out at one point hoping it would make me feel better. It did for a short while, but it wasn't quite the answer. Why the anxiety? I would be seeing and talking to many people who knew we lost the twins for the first time, face-to-face. And then many others who knew I was expecting twins, but not that things went terribly wrong at the beginning of summer...just 2 weeks after school ended.

And Colton had some anxiety as well. A new classroom, with new teachers, and some new friends. Not to mention that the kid is ubersensitive and was probably feeding some off of me. I'm sorry, son, that I no longer can fully control or mask my feelings. I try, but it's a process.

Colton and I went down to his old classroom to see his teachers from last year who are absolutely amazing. They knew about Lucas and Caleb but we really hadn't talked yet. And you know, after crying with Mrs. Jenny, I felt all better and so did Colton. I have come to realize that there are still people around that I need to cry with. And that until I do, some things are going to be hard and there will be some anxiety. So for those of you that I haven't cried with yet, it's coming. It's inevitable, I'm sorry.

And I'm really missing the twins this evening. I am missing on some things we are going to miss out on being the parents of twins who are in Heaven. And I know what sparked that sudden pang. And it sucks. I hope that no one ever thinks they have to censor around me, because they don't. And for those of you that are reading and expecting soon, please know that my baby fever has elevated quite a bit and that I am wanting to be around babies. It's kind of crazy, really and I think it's a good thing. Just please also know, there will also be some tears.

And I will try tomorrow to post about our trip.

Lost

I have heard the phrase "lost in grief" several times throughout this journey. Yet I never quite fully understood what it meant. I am sure that is how I was the first few days after Lucas and Caleb were born...but I was also numb.

Tuesday I was literally lost in my grief. It was like I was running through dark, dark woods and couldn't find my way out. Every trail I would find would lead me right back to grief, sadness, and pain. Every new, non-loss thought was a new trail. It would last for 3 or 4 minutes if I was lucky, but would end with the twins. I thought about it all:
-How contractions started and that led to finding out we had lost Lucas
-How they thought Caleb was going to be okay after we lost Lucas
-How I held both my babies in my arms and cried more than I ever knew was possible
-How I was so ready to spend 12 weeks in a hospital bed to get my babies into the world safely
-How I truly hate that I am now a completely different person and it's not fair to anyone
and it went on and on. I even went back to running the events of that Saturday through Wednesday in my head as I was trying to go to sleep that night. I hadn't done that in close to 7 weeks!

Willy and I went out to dinner that night and I was still lost. I would look up and see the canopy of trees closing in on me. I was being swallowed by my grief. And this was 11 weeks from their birth. And I would get more and more frustrated with it all. Why couldn't I find my way out of all this? I had so many times, but not on this particular day. I was really lost....and I didn't know if I was going to find my way out. I could see the way Willy looked at me and was beginning to worry. I kept telling him I would be okay, just needed to get through the week. Yet, I didn't quite believe that myself.

And I was relieved to wake up Wednesday morning to see a clearing. I wasn't so lost anymore, and though it's still a long way to that clearing, I know it's there. I know I am making my way a little more steadily right now. And that there will be days when I feel like all paths lead to more grief and sadness, but I truly hope that I always remember where the clearing is and that don't ever again feel so lost.

Fridays

Fridays have now become harder than Tuesdays. I have sailed through the past three Tuesdays. I didn't spend the day thinking it's been "X" number of weeks since Lucas and Caleb were born. It has been a nice change of pace. But Fridays have began to SUCK big time.

I would be 35 weeks pregnant today. I've woke up feeling the weight and thinking it. I didn't cry a single tear though until I just typed it. Typing it makes it real and makes it hit home. It was likely we would have had our babies in our arms today. Maybe in the NICU for a few days, but maybe not. Lucas and Caleb were on a roll to very healthy weights. That was my goal for them. To eat well and gain enough weight so they would have a great start when they were born. Where did it all go wrong.

I went birthday shopping yesterday and I kept pushing the thoughts away. "I shouldn't be able to shop like this. I should be at home on bedrest. I shouldn't be able to fit into these jeans, I should only be able to wear gym shorts. I shouldn't be able to button this shirt." These thoughts would start to creep up and I wouldn't let them finish. It is no longer what should have been, but what is. At least most of the time. And this is. Our loss is.

Next Friday will be my 36 week mark. It's a really big day for moms carrying twins. It is the goal date for carrying them. It is circled big on my calendar because after next Friday I would be ready to have them and they would most likely not even have to go to the NICU. Next Friday is also my birthday. I thought it was really neat that the twins might share my birthday with me. Wow, I thought, what a great birthday present. Now it's just another landmark I won't hit.

I'm really missing Caleb and Lucas today. I am really missing all our family was going to be. I am missing them for Willy. And I missing them for their big brothers, Colton and Ethan. And I miss you for your grandparents who were so excited and proud. And I am really wondering why babies have to die. And why mine had to die. It wasn't enough that I had to lose Lucas, but I had to lose Caleb, too. Two of my children are gone from this Earth. Two children that I have felt kick, watched play together, and held in my arms. This really sucks. And Fridays really suck.

The Nursery Takedown

As many of you know, Willy and I have decided to put the house on the market next month. In doing this, I am being forced to redo the twins' nursery. It is a jumbled mess that makes it very obvious that something went wrong. After losing Caleb, I told Willy there was absolutely no way I would be able to come home and see all the twin things we had scattered EVERYWHERE. I told him our friend, Danielle, had offered to gather stuff for us if he didn't want to. But my amazing husband insisted he do it.
This black curtain has been hanging over their "doorway" since June 2nd. I have peeked around it here and there, and even spent a few brave moments on the other end. I even caught Ethan playing hide and seek behind it. Which really brought on some tears.

This is their nursery in the making. Anytime we would find something, we would throw it in here. Last week I stumbled upon their 12-18month outfits in a tote I was going through in prep for our yard sale. I was taken by surprise. I just choked back the tears, gathered them up, and tossed them into the crib. This room should have been done by now with the bed made, changing table cleaned off, and monkeys hanging on the wall.

This is the beautiful wall applique my friend, Melanie, bought for me. I LOVE it so much and truly hate that the twins will never have the chance to know how awesome she is. Or be best buddies with her son, Carter and their newest addition that is on the way.

This is the twin nursing pillow given to me by fellow MOMs member, Jennifer. She has twin boys that are nearing 2. I really enjoyed listening to stories about her sons and all the things they did because they were twin.

These are the matching bouncy seats we bought. I bought them because they were lightweight and I could carry them easy up and down the stairs. Every time I looked at them, I pictured Caleb and Lucas giggling together and trying to out bounce each other.

I bought this 2 days before my membranes ruptured. It really helped the back pain. It was truly fabulous how much better I felt. Though on Saturday I was wondering if it is what had ruptured my membranes, though I know better.

I HAD to have this diaper bag. It is very large and spacious. And I has wires along the zipper that keeps it open when you digging through it. This is the only thing that will be used with our rainbow baby, when that day comes.

The monkey sheet I fell in love with. We chose monkeys because we felt monkeys best described twin Earls boys.

These are all the shoes we had already bought. Buying two pairs of matching shoes was so
much fun! I LOVE shoes and I got to buy twice the shoes!

This is their going home outfit if they were preemies. The patch says "Best Buddies" It fit perfectly for Lucas and Caleb. We really didn't think they would be small enough to wear these, but were trying to be prepared. I never thought they would be smaller or that they would never come home.

This is their coming home outfit if they wore Newborn size. I just love the monkey on the butt. I would give anything to be using this outfit in two weeks.

Their monkey sleepers I just had to have. Basically anything with monkeys was going to be theirs.

For this winter. I had one for Ethan and we always laughed at how little he looked in it. Found these at the MOMs sale with tags still on and they were a great buy! And I hate that I will be selling them unused in the spring.

These are the hats our cousin, Jamie, bought for them. The Hawaiian pattern fits their Daddy so well. She was so excited about Lucas and Caleb. And I know her heart was also broken by their loss.

These are the overalls that Grandma Dru fell in love with. She found one pair and searched three other Wal-Marts in town for the second. She picked out several onesies for Lucas and Caleb to wear underneath them.

Totally love this outfit. I found the onesies at Gordman's and knew they were perfect. At that point I was determined to shop with Caleb and Lucas, but knew it would probably be a challenge.

This is the first sleeper bought for Lucas and Caleb. The week after we found out we were having twins, Dru and I went shopping. She bought matching boy sleepers and matching girl sleepers. She was my shopping partner when I shopped for Lucas and Caleb. I will never forget when we were shopping at the Moms of Multiples store and ran into a mom with identical 8 month old boys. They both looked at us at the same time and smiled. And we looked at each other and cried the happiest tears. I always remembered the thought of my boys smiling at me together. It used to make me giddy, now it really brings on the tears. I will never get to see that.

Their matching Hawaiian shirts. We love you, Daddy.

The matching Big Brother shirts with matching Little Brother bibs. I truly hate that these are being put away in a chest, never to be worn. And I hate what this signifies. Colton and Ethan have suffered a great loss, too. One no child should every have to endear.

I bought this for Willy's birthday. I thought it fit his take on the twins quite well. Every time someone mentioned the twins, he would have this goofy grin. I am quite grateful I don't remember who made the comment, "That's a little premature, don't you think." when he wore it. If I did, it may not be pretty. I found this shirt wadded up in their closet side of the chest. It broke my heart all over again. The last time he wore it was Sunday night/Monday morning in the hospital. He was so proud of his two little baby boys.

And these are little socks that I found and loved so much for them.

Here is me, as I am finishing up the room. Sorting through what will be sold in the far future and what would be kept in their memory chest. Today hurt so much. I've been building up to it for some time now, knowing it had to be done. I just wish, hope, and pray with all I have that I was finalizing the nursery to bring them home in two weeks instead of tearing it down and packing it away. Another reminder that we really went through this and that they really are gone.

All their clothes I won't keep. We were so ready for them!

The nursery after I finished. I put Ethan's crib set on crib and rearranged the furniture. Now it looks like it's expecting a different baby. It's not the jumbled mess that closely resembled the mess our lives have been since June 1st. It's easier to look into now and I don't feel the need to hide it behind the black curtain.

This project was so hard to tackle. Documenting it with pictures made it a little more bearable and sidetracked me a little. Although putting this together has definitely given me another good cry. No mommy or daddy should ever have to take down an unused nursery. But some of us do, and it totally sucks! Thank you to all my family and friends who thought of me yesterday morning as I went through this. Your strength helped me get through this part of the journey.