Monday, October 18, 2010


I am sitting here almost five months out from saying good-bye to Lucas and Caleb. And I really can't believe I've made it this far. The days following May 31st when we first learned we had lost Lucas were near impossible. Everything happened so fast and I honestly had no idea how I was going to survive each hour, let alone weeks and months. But I'm here and doing pretty darn well.

I feel a new season coming upon me. I am making huge strides in this journey and there are some big things coming up. We are selling our house. And I have emotionally disconnected from it. It's a good thing. I still have times when I look at the bookcase in the living room and imagine the pack n play there with my babies in it. And it still hurts once in awhile to look at the crib they should be sleeping in at night, or the chest where their clothes should be. I'm ready for a fresh start.

And even though nothing is decided yet, but the road to TTC is coming up. My six month mark is speeding closer and I'm getting excited. Willy and I still discussing if we are ready or not, but I am shooting for a YES! It still might be awhile, I know....but I'm hoping for our rainbow baby in the next year or so.

Plus I am really just enjoying and embracing life again. I am mean really embracing it. I am having so much fun with Colton and Ethan. I still think about and miss Lucas and Caleb, and I still have tough days, but they are becoming farther apart and fewer.

This rambling all means something, I promise. There are some blogs that I follow or moms who lost twins a year or more ago. I enjoy their honesty and they way they share their lives now, in the moment. They live their lives in the moment. They have other children here on Earth and I relate well to them. They are where I want to be. They still miss and write about their babies, but they also really embrace the blessings they have with them.

It is time for a complete overhaul. I really want to focus more on the positives, and this includes my blog. I am still going to share my hard moments, because that is very much a part of this journey. But the good moments need to be shared also. When this blog was first started it was to share the fun times expecting twins and then ALL the moments after the twins were born. Well, there was a HUGE detour, but they were born and here we are learning to live our lives without them.

The blog is going to take a new name, a new look, and the posts will be more about our family and our lives and not limited to missing Lucas and Caleb. I want to be one of those mom's that other BLM's can look at and see that there is some sunshine in the future. That even at this point it isn't all doom and gloom anymore. We all grieve differently, especially since everyone's situations and experiences are different. But I want to really share how our family is doing at the given moment.

So here's to some big changes and a new outlook. I am looking forward to the open honesty I am ready to portray once more. I hope to get all the changes up and running over the next week or so.

A big thank you to everyone who reads and comments. Your support has played a large part in where I am on this journey.

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  1. I am glad you are able to focus on the positive and that things are a little easier for you now. I can't wait to see the new look!

  2. I love the new look of the blog and the new title. I am so, so glad that you are doing so well. I am also trying to look at the positives more. Yes, sometimes I still dwell on Jacob, but overall I am grateful for everything that I have, and that includes having had him even though we lost him.

    I know your blog will help other baby loss mom's who aren't as far along as you are since their loss. It helped me a huge amount to read others' blogs who had lost before I did and who were still alive and happy. I'm glad that we are now in that group, more and more.


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