Dreaming and Waking and Thinking and Crying

I had the scariest dream this morning.  It was so incredibly real, I woke up cold all over and in tears. 

~~ We were swimming at a pool and Simon was running from me.  I took off to catch him from the other direction and he didn't meet me.  He didn't meet me.  My heart started to race. I started to scream.  I was looking down at the water, not up.  I knew he fell in.  I saw him from across the pool at the bottom and I dove in screaming.  By the time I got to him,  a lifeguard was pulling him out.  But he wasn't doing CPR.  He was staring at him, shaking his cheeks.  Every few seconds Simon would almost draw a breath, then his head would fall to the side.  His eyes seemed to be screaming for help.  I was screaming at the lifeguard.~~

I woke up.

And cried.  

It took me some time to calm down and warm up enough to wake Willy for some support. I heard Simon talk in his sleep.  I went up to kiss him and came back to bed. I felt angry at this lifeguard, not understanding why he wasn't doing more to save my little boy.  Then I began to think of all the things we need to do to protect him.  He's full on two now.  He knows what he wants and is incredibly stubborn and determined to figure out a way to get it.  I can't keep him off the top bunk of the big boys' beds, doorknobs are no longer a deterrent for him.  And there's the pools and parks this spring and summer.  

Then I began to really think about the worst of it.  I don't want to, but I can imagine the pain of him not being here.  I can go there too quickly, and this time of year, it doesn't take a whole lot.  Losing Lucas and Caleb, my mind takes off to that awful place on its own. And then the floodgates open.  Thoughts, memories, tears, all take on a life of their own.  I have to hold on tight at the moment to the sound of Benjamin's monitor ticking, and the knowledge that Simon is in his bed, I just kissed his head, and he is safe right now.  And the sound of Colton and Ethan "walking" down the stairs.  

I've been spending more time in prayer lately.  This time of year usually brings me closer to God.  This morning was no different.  I feel His comfort and strength as I move through the day. I was able to get out of bed and go about normal snow day business.  And the boys have been able to move through their day without picking up on my pain.  The big boys know this time of year.  That's another post for another day.  How much I hate that they have to walk this also.

Surviving the Milestones

I thought I'd been doing really well this pregnancy.  The fear has been at a minimal since finishing the first trimester.  I've enjoyed this pregnancy with an underlying knowledge that horrible things happen, but it wasn't at the forefront of my mind every hour of every day.  I've enjoyed that so much!

24 week baby bump

Monday was 24 weeks for Mr. B.  It was such a sigh of relief, knowing if things started to go south, he'd have much more of a chance of surviving. Viability....24 weeks.  How little I knew about that before Lucas and Caleb were born. 24 weeks was just another week down til meeting our little men.  Know it's circled in bright red on the calendar.  The second big target date to reach. 

I was talking with Willy last weekend about how this week could be a tough one for me.  I remember I was a huge mess between 24 and 25 weeks with Simon. 

24 weeks, 1 day: water broke with Lucas and Caleb
24 weeks, 3 days: Lucas died
24 weeks, 4 days: Lucas and Caleb was born
24 weeks, 5 days: (Day one after birth) Caleb died.

That's a whole lot of scary moments to swim around in a short amount of time.  I breezed through Tuesday this week.  We spent the day at SDC as a family.  Wednesday was a great day for me.  And Wednesday night I was falling asleep, patting myself on the back for handling this week of pregnancy with Benjamin so well.  Fear hadn't crept in much at all, and I was enjoying my moments with him.

Then Thursday morning hit.  Benjamin didn't wake up with me as he ALWAYS does.  He was quiet through my shower and breakfast.  I had a regular prenatal visit scheduled, so I was trying to get ready for it.  But as the minutes passed by without feeling him moving around, I started to make plans.  How if I couldn't find his heartbeat with the Doppler after breakfast I would have to make plans for the kids so Willy could come with me to the dr.  How I would have to call my friend and let her know I wouldn't be picking up her son.  And the flashbacks began.  How much pain there was when Dr M looked at me and shook her head when she couldn't find Lucas' heartbeat.  And all I could do was pray.  Pray for the pain and fear to just go away.  Try and have faith that no matter what, we would be okay.  Fear is not of God, and I try to remember that in those dark moments.  I try to embrace it with all I have left.

I found Benjamin's heartbeat after breakfast.  It was quiet and slower than usual, but I felt confident it was there.  Knowing I would be seeing Dr L in less than hour, I finished getting ready and headed to the office on my own.  I talked with a close friend on the way there that helped to talk me down a little.  I have to say that it is so wonderful to have friends who "get" it, and don't think you are totally nuts at times like this.

My nurse, W, found his heartbeat.  150....not his normal.  She found it again. 150, his heartbeat was there.  He gave me a good jab while she was looking for it.  Happy with that.  Dr L measured me at 25 weeks, he's growing well.  And he was pretty active most of the day.  I could breathe a little easier.  But not entirely.

Here's the facts.  I know the pain of losing a child.  I know the reality of losing a child.  I know it can, and does, happen more than once.  And sometimes those facts play louder in my head than I would like.  Sometimes they're like a broken record, others I've succeed to push them far behind and have faith that Benjamin will be in my arms, crying in 15 short weeks.  The roller coaster ride of emotions that come with a subsequent pregnancy is tough.  This pregnancy has been easier, but there are still the tough moments.  In ways I miss the naïve moments of pregnancy I had with Colton and Ethan, but I honestly believe I wouldn't be able to truly embrace the moments, as I do now, that I have had with Simon and Benjamin.

2012: What a Great Year

Oh what a year 2012 has been.  This year brought us Simon.  We rediscovered hope.  I am sad to see the year end, almost.  It's a different sadness than it was 2 years ago.  I remember Lucas and Caleb's year, that New Year's Eve.  2010 ending meant their year was ending.  It was hard, I hit grief's brick wall that day unexpectedly.  This year has just been so great to our family. 

 

 

 January we found out we were expecting Cinco, our fifth baby.

 February brought fear as I began spotting and we didn't see a baby on the ultrasound. (Picture not actual picture, but very similar)

 

But a few weeks later, here is our Cinco!  His heart was beating and the tears flowed.

 

In March we took the boys to the circus.  I was able to muster up the energy to enjoy the night. 

 

April was Colton's 6th birthday and 18 weeks pregnant!

In May we learned Cinco was Simon.  What an amazing appointment that day.  We also learned Simon would be here a week sooner than we had been planning.  Whoo hoo!

 

I conquered my fear of buying these in May also.

 

In June we remembered Lucas and Caleb on their 2nd birthday.  The day was a good one, and there was more happy than sad.  

In July we celebrated the fourth with good friends. Twice!

 

 

August saw a crazy heat wave, but we toughed it out to take the boys fishing.

We also went and saw Monster Trucks in July!  That was such a blast!

 

Colton started first grade in August

 

35 weeks pregnant!

 

And my amazing friends threw my baby shower.  What a fabulously perfect day!

September found me 38 weeks pregnant.

And Ethan's first day of Pre-K

 And after 2 false labor trips, my baby Simon was born.  Healthy and Alive. 

 

October was Halloween with my three boys.

 

And who can forget the flood in our house.  Not to mention the 5 day hotel stay with a 4 week old.

November brought house construction, a HUGE Thanksgiving feast with 20 people, and Simon's first bubbly smile.

 

December came quickly. 

Our family.  3 boys here on Earth, and my heavenly babies symbolized by their pin on my chest.

 

It has truly been a tremendous year.  I have grown so much in so many ways.  My faith, by leaps and bounds, as my pregnancy with Simon tested it to it's very core at times.  I am grateful for everyday of 2012.  2013 will be interesting, and I am ready to take it on!

11~11~12

We've been to church all but two Sundays since Simon has been born.  While I was pregnant with him, I often pictured holding him during worship. I would be holding him close, singing to him as I sang to the Lord.  Well, Simon tends to finish his morning nap during worship.  Often he wakes up just after so I have to miss the sermon to nurse him.  By the time I make it back in for reflection, he is usually back to sleep.

 

Today he stayed awake for reflection.  The song they played was, "Your Great Name"

 

I held my baby, he looked into my eyes, and I sang with all my heart.  The lyrics mixed with my joy and the tears flowed.  They really flowed.  As I sang the words, so many of them rang true through the past two and a half years.

 

"Every fear; has no place; at the sound of your great name
The enemy; he has to leave; at the sound of your great name"

I can't count how many times I feared for Simon.  I would pray for him, and recite 2 Timothy 1:7

"For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind."
And the fear would would slowly ease it's grip on me. 

 

I could go on and on about most the lines of this song, but the above just rush through me every time I sing them.  To finally have my baby boy in my arms and be able to sing them while looking into his beautiful blue eyes, well, there are no words.

 

I love that I am able to sit here, after all I have been through, be able to type, and fully believe that God is good!  He does answer prayers, and He is worthy of all praise.


 

 

 

 

First Trip to L&D

On Friday, September 7th, we made our first trip to Labor and Delivery.

 

I was with Dru and we were on our way to a Scentsy party in Lebanon. (about 45 miles away from home).  A storm was rolling in as we were leaving and we figured we would just stay ahead of it.  As we were approaching Conway (30 miles or so) we heard on the radio about a tornado warning in the area we were in.  To the north of us we could see the wall cloud.  It was approaching the highway quickly just in front of us. 

 

I could see a slight rotation in the cloud itself, but nothing quite yet.  I said a prayer for safety and we drove with the idea of getting off at the Conway exit to safety.  About 1 mile from the exit, the funnel cloud started to form.  There are very few moments when I have been that terrified.  It was honestly less than 100 yards away.  It was very possible it would meet us on the highway. I prayed and prayed for it to stop.  All I could think about was being almost 38 weeks pregnant, on the highway, with a tornado trying to form.  After a few seconds (though it seemed much longer) it began to disappear.  And I started to contract.

 

Not the one we saw, but close.  Only it didn't make it that far towards the ground

 

We pulled off in Conway and stopped at a gas station.  There were 3 paramedics inside waiting out the storm also.  I sat down and tried my best to relax.  Every once in awhile one of the paramedics would look my way and maybe ask if I was doing okay.  I was trying really hard to keep calm.  But the contractions kept up.  I kept telling Simon that this wasn't the time to make his grand entrance into this world, but it would also be true to his nature. 

 

After 25 minutes or so of complete denial, I realized they were 2-3 minutes apart and getting stronger.  I told Dru I really thought it was time to head back to Springfield and to the hospital.  We checked the radar and off we went.  The contractions kept up the entire time.  I wasn't in agonizing pain, it was really more pressure than pain. 

 

I tried to call Willy to let him know the plans.  Mike was picking up my van from their house and was going to take it to Willy so he could meet us at the hospital.  Well, our phone was out due to the same storm.  Luckily I was able to reach Kristan, who woke up her son, packed up her boys and headed to my house so I could let Willy know what was going on.

 

I got to Labor and Delivery about 6:30pm.  When they hooked me up I was contracting 2-3 minutes apart.  When she checked me, I was dilated to a 1 (I was fully closed and thick on Wed) and she could feel his head "right there".  We decided I'd walk for an hour and see what kind of progress was made.  It was almost 9:00 when she checked me again.  No more progress had been made, but I was contracting every minute and a half, and they were becoming painful.  We decided to hang out another hour while I rested and see if any changes could happen.  At 10:00 I was checked again, and there was still no progress.  The Dr thought it best to go home for a few hours to labor.  She was sure I'd be back around 3:00am with my water broke and dilated to a 4-5. 

 

Once home, the contractions continued.  About midnight I hopped in the shower to relax a little.  Around 1:00am or so the contractions began to slow down, and they were gone enough for me to sleep by 2:30am.  Bummer!

 

***How was being back at Labor and Delivery?***

The nurse and on call doctor (Dr. D) were both incredibly compassionate.  I really hadn't thought about having to go into detail about Lucas and Caleb.  She was so sympathetic as I gave her necessary details.  We also had to discuss the details of the VBAC and the differences there. 

 

Walking the halls was different.  Lucas and Caleb's pregnancy was the only pregnancy when I didn't have to walk the halls.  But with each lap, I had to pass the rooms they passed away in.  They were empty, so there were no sounds coming from them, but I still found the rooms themselves daunting.  My boys spent their last living moments in those rooms. 

 

The true realization of Simon really being on his way came to me during these moments also.  Those who have had their rainbow babies understand, I know.  I know Simon will be here any day.  But really knowing it, really being able to wrap my mind around it is different.  There was excitement, anxiety, and a little fear in there.  And I do have anxiety about the VBAC.  So many thoughts raced through my head as I took each step through those hallways.  It still seemed surreal at moments.  Then they sent me home where it all stopped.

 

I realized today I will most likely have to go through all the details surrounding Lucas and Caleb's birth  again when I go back in.  I find it frustrating.  A part of me is already reliving those moments as I walk through those doors.  And as I explain to the admitting nurse their story, it all just floods back to me.  Grief for them battles with the excitement for Simon.  And I haven't been admitted  yet.  How is it going to be when I am in a Labor and Delivery room, truly laboring my way towards delivery.  How I am going to handle it if we have to have a c-section?  I can already imagine the flashbacks I will have as they wheel me down the hall towards the O.R. 

 

I am working on finding peace with Simon's upcoming delivery.  I have peace with having a c-section if that is what is needed.  It's the emotional part that has me flustered.  And I fear that my anxiety and grief for my baby boys might overshadow the amazingness of the miracle of Simon's birth.  I've been praying for needed peace.  I have my favorite worship songs on my iPod.  What other ideas do some of you have who have been down this road?



The Most Beautiful Sight

...the first flicker of your baby's heartbeat!!!!  Baby Cinco's heartbeat was 150 this afternoon!  It was hard to make out top and bottom of baby, but there was no mistaking that beautiful flicker of her/his heart.  You can even see it in the picture below.  It's the bright spot. How super awesome.

My dr feels confident the spotting is from the blood vessels around my cervix.  I trust her in this, and it makes sense.  She has officially given me a due date of Oct. 1st.  Which means a c-section around Sept 20th or so.

I want to say THANK YOU to all of you!  Your prayers, thoughts, and support have carried me through the past couple of weeks.  God is truly good.  Twenty months ago, I never would have thought I would be here, going through all of this, and least of all with such an amazing support group by my side.  It is humbling.  Thank you thank you thank you!!!

02/12/12

Today marks 7 weeks for this pregnancy.  Never before has each and every week of a pregnancy been such a huge milestone.  I feel a little more relief as each week successfully passes.  I am that much closer to my next ultrasound, that much closer to 13 weeks, and that much closer to being able to feel this baby move around, bringing a little more relief.

Once I have the ultrasound on Wednesday and have been reassured thing are going alright, I'll start doing a weekly update post.  I just really want to have that piece of mind, first.

The all day long nausea isn't really letting up much right now.  I have spent many hours of the past several days hanging on the couch with my Kindle Fire.  It is so nice to check facebook and email from the comfort of my couch.  Netflix is also getting tons of use through the beginning of this pregnancy.  I wonder how many series of shows I can complete.  I am trying to take advantage of the small bursts of energy to keep caught up around the house some.  And I think we are all doing a pretty decent job around here. 

I am going to attempt making it to church this morning.  I need to be there.  It's really a great way to start my week, and I think I need a really good start to this one.  I am nervous and anxious about Wednesday.  Part of me would rather not go, rather not know.  But it will also be nice to have a more definitive answer.

01/31/12

I am having flashbacks.  My due date with this baby is one week after Lucas and Caleb's due date. This adds just a little more to the emotional factor.  I was in church on Sunday, and was talking to someone about this pregnancy, while remembering so well having a a very similar conversation the same time two years ago.  One week.  That is really not much of a difference.  I knew, going into last cycle that if we conceived, that they would be close.  I didn't really plan on it being like this, though.  It's hard.  There are some holidays and events coming up where I was pretty much as pregnant during them two years ago.  And it tugs on the heart.

I miss my babies.  Being pregnant with Cinco is great, and I love every moment of it, but at times it makes me miss Lucas and Caleb more.  I know this pregnancy is going to be an emotional roller coaster, and I am ever so grateful for everyone walking it with me.  Every little thing is going to send my mind rushing to damage control.  But they will also send me to my knees.  I spend a lot of time praying.  Thanking the Lord for this baby, and asking for Him to let me keep Cinco.   It helps knowing that I'm not the only one praying. 

On other news, Colton received a blue stripe on his white belt in martial arts for knowing all the kicks for his belt test.  I am proud of this kid.  He had thought about quitting, then suddenly decided to stick with it a while longer.  He's doing really well.  And he tested for his instructor by himself in front of ten other kids.  Pretty amazing to watch my 5 year old do that!

Getting There

**Baby picture at bottom**

I am finally feeling close to 100% again!  I still can't believe how much last week took out of me.  I am grateful to be on this side of it all.  You would think as much as I have expressed my hatred for grief that it would get the picture and just stay away.  If only it were that easy.  hehe

I have to say, though, that I haven't gotten to this point, today on my own.  My friends and family have helped to pull me back up.  And for that I am ever so grateful.  To the ladies in my bible study, your stopping to listen and pray with me got me over the huge part of this hump.  Being able to release all my emotions honestly with others and handing them all over to the Lord was quite freeing. 

The patience from my amazing husband has not gone unnoticed, either.  He has helped around the house, and let me just be emotional.  I am so grateful for that.  And to all the people who have asked, and really listened, wow it's great to be surrounded by such wonderful people.  THANK YOU!

The only thing that I'm really having a hard time with right now is when people seem disappointed that I am not bubbling over with excitement.  Really, folks, I understand that many can't (nor want to) understand the pain.  And I really don't blame them, much.  I just don't like feeling guilty, either.  The hole that was left when we lost Lucas and Caleb is very much still there.   I DO love my niece, Emily, bunches.  And today I really started to miss her some.  It just might take me awhile before I can be where I should have been last week.


Now for another picture of the girlie herself:

She does have tons of hair!!

Much Needed Break

We've been busy.  Like super, crazy busy. 

Until this weekend.

On Wednesday night Colton came down with a horrible stomach virus.  We're talking projectile from both ends horrible.  I was forced to drop most everything to take care of him.  And I couldn't have been happier to do it.  A chance to spend time with my oldest, cuddling on the couch, watching tv.  I need that once in awhile, and I hate that my kids have to be sick in order for them to spend more than five or so minutes snuggling with me.

We went out Friday night to celebrate 24 hours in the clear.  It was a great night and we really had a lot of fun together.  By the time the boys were in bed, Willy and I were beginning to feel a little gross.  A half hour later, we were convinced we had been infected.  The night was long and rough.  Then Ethan woke up to announce he didn't feel well and prove it by losing his dinner from the night before all over the couch.

I should say here and now that both parents in a house should NEVER have a stomach bug at the same time....especially when there is only one bathroom and a sick child. 

I have to say, though, that this weekend was very much needed.  And even through the ickiness and frustration, there were blessings.  First, we were all made to stop.  Not just slow down, but come to a screaching halt and stay home.  Also, during the times the kids were up and about, Willy and I were never at our worst together.  If I had the chills and cramps, Willy was at 80% or so, and vice versa. 

We have all four reconnected as a family, not just people coming and going to school, work, practice, and meetings.  Although I really don't think it has become that bad, I know it could.  I've actually enjoyed this weekend.  I was shown that I can call and say we can't make it somewhere, that I can cancel dinner plans, and that not only one but four people will help if I just can't be there.  I have been reminded that even when I am so very busy, someone else always makes the time to slow me down. 

Today's Workout

I finally did it!  I made it to the Selah Yoga class at the Y.  This is an hour class with the lights off, contemporary Christian music, and yoga instruction.  It DID kick my butt, and legs, and arms.  But I feel amazing!  I wish I would have started going months ago.  There were only two of us along with the instructor today.  That was nice so that I could get some pointers on my poses.  The time went by really quickly, and I managed to not check out at any point during the class.

I am definitely going to pick this class up twice a week.  I need to be doing something to continue to get into shape.  Losing a few more pounds would also be nice, but I really want to tone up some.  Maybe I'll even throw in a swim afterwards here and there. 

On the other life stuff, we are doing pretty well.  I am having a hard time still with the mom who is carrying twin boys at my bible study on Monday mornings.  I thought I could just go in, and not say much (or anything) to her and be okay.  But I probably come off as rude, and she still wants to talk to me in her friendly way.  I believe that she has NO idea about Lucas and Caleb, although I shared about them at the previous meeting.  But yesterday when she asked what it was like having boys, I had a hard time finding any words.  And since she doesn't seem to know, I really would like to keep it that way.  No need to make her feel weird or anything.  I might just finish the study and scrapbook at home.  Who know, I have a week to ponder on it.

I hate that I still have a hard time with twin pregnancies.  Even though at this point it is only if they are having boys.  I thought I would be able to be happy for them by now, but I can't.  I find this really frustrating and hope that it does get easier at some point.

What are the Odds?

Funny title, right?  I know lots of odds.  Being where I am, going through what we've gone through, odds aren't always our friend.  Today started out that way.

I am doing a scrapbooking bible study for the next seven weeks with Kristan.  YAY, what fun!  For the past couple of days I have been thinking about how I would introduce myself.  It is all women, we all have children, but how would I explain my children.  I've really come to the "need to know" basis when it comes to Lucas and Caleb.  I don't want the first thing out of my mouth to be "dead babies", and I don't want to be , "That girl over there..."  So I had decided I would introduce them to these women in a few weeks when it came up in our bible study conversation.  (They always come up when it comes to my faith.)

Well, the plan changed, BIG TIME!!  We were sitting around waiting for one more mom to show up.  Our cooridinator explained that this mom was running late, and that her plate was really full.  Her husband works out of town, she has two under three, and is expecting twins.  Brick Wall!!  Kristan quickly looked at me and asked if I would be okay.  I took a deep breath, said I could handle it, or we would see.  Well, my never missed friend, anxiety, hit as it was my turn to introduce myself.  I started crying as soon as it was my turn.  I couldn't say anything except I'm sorry.  Kristan took over for me.  I have to say, friends like her are incredibly rare.  She always knows where I am and how to help.  She starts with, "Carrie is a mom of four."  Those words mean so very much to me.  By the time she finished my introduction, a few others were crying and there was a hug and my waterproof mascera once again proved itself.

Well, the mom walked in, looking tiny.  I figured her to be 6-10 weeks.  As she is introducing herself, I find out she's having twin boys.  Really?  Lord, what's your plan here?  Pretty sure it's not the same as mine.  There are EIGHT women in this study.  Three are pregnant and one with twin boys.  Hmmmm.....

As we sat afterwards, visiting, I couldn't help but overhear parts of her conversation with another expecting mom.  They were discussing how different her twin pregnancy is from her previous single pregnancies.  She also talked about all the ultrasouds, and how she really didn't understand the reason for them.  It took quite a bit of strength to not say anything to her.  (By the way she is probably closer to 18-22 weeks)  I know that I wasn't completely educated, but I did TONS of research on twin pregnancies.  Anyway, I quickly moved my attention to the conversation about c-sections.

On the way home, I let go of it all.  I had a good,  hard cry.  Lots of questions about why now, when things are going so well.   Lots of why me, because that is usually one of the first questions I ask when things hit hard.  And then the song,  "All Who are Thirsty" came on the radio, and the crying stopped. I must say Thank you.

So, I get home, rotate laundry, and receive a call from a friend who normally is at work on Mondays.  She took the day off since her husband was sick.  She wanted to meet us at the park for a picnic with our kiddos.  Fabulous idea!  She gets me, also.  We have an unspoken bond (seriously unspoken), and she is also wonderful.  We met, our kids played, and we decided to walk around the lake some.  We came to the bridge over the creek and look who greeted me.

They are always here when I need them the most.

Not sure yet

I'm not sure if I am truly ready for this. I have thought and pondered over the last several months. And I've prayed about it.

Every spring my MOPS group has Tea and Testimony. We all sit together, drinking tea while three of us share our testimony with the group. And I've committed to sharing mine. Seven weeks before Lucas and Caleb's first birthday. I am sharing a testimony that I am sure wouldn't exist if they were here, crawling around.

I am nervous and anxious about this. Since my testimony really is about their story, I am also sharing their story. Although many of these moms know at least a part of their story, I am not sure if I am ready to really share it. Their story has become sacred to me, something that I must protect. Their lives were so precious and their memory special.

I write this asking for prayers and thoughts over the next couple days as I prepare in detail what I am going to share. I've outlined a couple times over the past couple of weeks, but it's time to really get down to the nitty gritty of it all. It seems like everything is going in circles and I am looking for a straight(er) path. I want it to all make sense and be coherent. And I want to find the right combination of sharing the two intertwining journeys, the one of faith and the one of grief.

Thank you much!

P.S. Oh and also that I don't go on forever, but keep it 15-20 minutes or so. Because we all know how much I like to talk. hehe

Some ramblings

The past few days have been rather iffy. The clouds have beat out the sun and my tears have won over my blinks. I feel like I am on a teeter totter with my emotions. UP and DOWN, UP and DOWN. And Willy asks me all the time right now if I am okay. I tell him, "Yeah, I guess." And for the most part I am just that, okay.

I am sure all this is a mixture of things. The fact that I am quickly coming up on Lucas and Caleb's birthday, I am remembering the excitement from this time last year and wishing they were here. These days wouldn't hold the weight they do if my babies were here. The self-torture I put myself through reading the blog of a mom who has both her identical twin boys at home with her. I am happy for her family, her boys had a hard fight....and they won. I read about how blessed she feels, and I again, as I do often, what have I done to be walking down the other road. I have now vowed to no longer torture myself with knowing how they are doing. They are good and at home, that is what I prayed for for them. Now it's time for me to let go and spare my emotional well-being.

I am also doing a Bible Study on The Book of Ruth. I could probably write on this forever. The morning coffee dates with the Lord have been good for me. The pain comes from all the personal reflections. Each and every one brings me back to losing Lucas and Caleb. Most the time I am offered clarity, and I am grateful. I am reminded, though, how defining their short lives really are. And I am being forced to confront thoughts that used to be just fleeting. Thoughts and feelings that would rush in, and I would push away just as quickly. I didn't want to entertain them. Now that I have to, it's hard, but it's also freeing in a way. I am glad I've taken the oppurtunity to do this bible study. And I am kind of hooked, okay completely hooked.

And to be honest, I am battling my emotions about my sister's pregnancy. She is close to eight weeks, and most days I am over the top thrilled for her. She has had early losses, and really wants this baby. But there are a few days when I just don't want to think about it. Not that I'm not happy for her on those days, but that I'd rather not visit that place. And I feel bad about feeling that way once in awhile. She looks up to me, as a sister and a mom. I love being able to be there for her, I just wish my heart was always in it, not just 6 out of 7 days in the week.

So, after spilling all this out, I feel lighter and the sun is in full shine. I also would like to ask for prayers for my grandma. Tomorrow is the one day anniversary of my grandfather's passing. She is also preparing to start chemo for colon cancer next week. It's a hard month for her and she could use all the thoughts and prayers you are all so generous with.

Beads 3 and 4

I know that I am not keeping up with this as I had intended. And I really don't like using excuses much, but this year is off to a pretty crazy start. At least it's good crazy, though. This post deals with faith, both Elizabeth Gilberts and mine. I keep to being honest in this place, and ask for respect while you read this.

I am sure some of you reading this question faith in general, especially when it comes to losing a baby(ies). I know mine has been challenged. But I have to say that I am in the group of people that has examined my faith, searched for answers, and have grown stronger in my faith since my baby boys went to Heaven eight months ago. I actually have more clarity now when it comes to my faith than I did before. And I really want to share an amazing moment with you.



On July 31st, 2010, 2 months to the day that we learned Lucas was gone, I was at a MOPS steering retreat. We were sitting at Jill's house getting ready to start. We were opening our day with a group prayer. I was already shedding tears and questioning if I was really ready to be here. Connie, one of our mentor moms, began to pray. She prayed about how some of us were there with broken hearts, and how she just prayed that the Lord would place his hand upon us and help us through this time. At that very moment He was there. I felt his hand on my shoulder and just knew it would be okay. It is a moment I will never forget. I will never forget the way His hand on my shoulder felt. I will never forget the peace that swept over me. And it was at that moment, that I knew I was not alone in all this.



Elizabeth Gilbert opens up about her relationship about God in Bead 3. She never really thought much about faith. When she was asked what kind of God she believed in, her response would be, "I believe in a magnificent God." She also explains that she could just as easily use any of the names that describes one's religoius diety, but she chose to use "God" because it is what sounds the most personal to her, the most right. She admits that she doesn't necessarily believe that God resides in "a distant throne in th sky" but "much closer than we can imagine, breathing right through our own hearts." Honestly, I believe both thoughts. I know He is Heaven watching down on us, but I also know He is in my heart, just as Lucas and Caleb are. (Colton tells me this often.) This can get really deep as you put more and more thought into all this. And sometimes I really don't care to do so. Sometimes I like scratching the surface and leaving it at that, and so I will end this Bead here.

In Bead 4, she talks how this is the first time she's honestly spoken to God. Really spoken to Him. And her interest was in saving her life. She was hopeless and it occurred to her that some people reach out to God when in this dark place.

Gilbert then touches on how she thanks Him, and how she hopes she "expressed ample gratitude for all the blessings that you have given me in my life." And it is with this thought that she realizes that God has waited her out. Oh how I can expand on this forever, but I won't. Not now, but I will probably at a later date. I just want to add that I know He has waited me out, also. And the way it felt when I realized this, and how so many things came together and made sense, well, it was pretty incredible.

She then talks about her prayer, the first true prayer to God dwindled down to her begging, "Please tell me what to do." I know that us that have lost our babies have also had this begging prayer. Where we cry, fall to our knees, and beg God to save or bring back our babies. It is exhausting and at some point we just stop. We don't really slow down at that moment, but come to an abrupt halt. And you feel something, nothing, maybe just nothingness. She talks about being surrounded by this great silence, and then hearing a voice. Her voice really, saying, "Go back to bed, Liz." --plain and simple-- For many of us, it has been more of, "I'm sorry." or "I'm here with you." She also describes this version of her voice as , "wiser, stonger, certain, more compassionate." And I think these words also describe me, now, post baby-loss. These words are part of what losing my precious babies have changed me into.

I have tons of questions toend this with, but think I'd rather just leave it open for anyone to add what comes to mind.

Rainbows are in Bloom and a little on faith

WOW!!! I know what many of you were doing through the holidays!!!! Hehe! There have been an insane number of pregnancy announcements over the past week. Plus a few birth announcements. And I am excited for each and every one of you! For many of you, you are expecting your first Earth Baby(ies). Yes, one is expecting twins. And although it was difficult the first couple of days, I am truly thrilled for her and her husband. They have been through so much losing their first daughter and battling infertility, that this is truly a blessing for them. And I won't forget Bailey's mom and dad who are beginning their adoption journey!

So, I am in the process of moving several blogs to the left side of the page. Pretty soon there will be more over there than on the right. And that's a really great thing. For those of you who have lost recently, these blogs, these women give us all hope. Hope for future rainbows, hope for brighter days, and hope for our new normal. I love how all these women have continued to blog through their journeys and I look forward to the same.

On a different note, yesterday morning was a tough one for me. It started out pretty good, then at church, I broke. More like shattered, really. It seems like I do a lot of crying there lately. But it's a very safe place to cry. And here is the verse that brought on the tears. It is David's response when he is asked why he is acting as he is after learning his son has passed.

"Can I bring him back again? I will go to him, but he will not return to me." (II Samuel 12:22)

When B shared this in telling her testimony, it hit me especially hard. I know I am not the only one who has spent numerous hours and days wanting my baby boys back. But upon hearing this, it really made sense. I need to quit wishing them back and concentrate on making sure I will see them again. They will be there waiting for me. We will all be reunited as a family one day. And I will have the chance to raise them, and be the mommy to twin boys. I cannot tell you the peace I now feel.

There are so many at Life Fellowship that I want to thank for their prayers, words, hugs, and tears. I know my grief is not just mine. It feels as though with each prayer, each hug, each kind word, and each tear, that you take a piece of my grief and carry it for me for awhile. So many thanks to all of you!

So I feel as though I am surfacing from my rut. I've been reminded of what my goals should be, and how I should re-prioritize. There are times when, through my grief, I put on blinders and forget these things. It's easy to get all wound up in missing what I've lost. But my job here is far from done. And there are great and amazing things in my future. And I know that no matter how bad I want something, that it may not be the right time. And I have to put all my trust in that.

6 Month Letter

Dear Lucas and Caleb,

I can't believe SIX months have passes since I last held you in my arms. At times it felt like the clock never moved and others the time passed so fast my head seemed to spin. But sitting here today, it seems to have gone by pretty quickly. Six months is a long time, really. But I try to look at it positively. I've survived life without you here in my arms for six months. And I have LIVED. Truly lived.

I was emailing Jacob's and Sawyer's mommies on Tuesday night sending them my warm thoughts and love before heading to bed and shared my motto for your special day.
EAT.PRAY.LOVE
Eat tons and tons of chocolate
Pray to you in Heaven
and send you all the Love I have for you throughout the day.

I wore your pin yesterday and touched it often. Every time I touched it I sent you my love and smiled. The two of you have touched so many lives, and although I would rather have you here in my arms, I am grateful to have been able to turn the tragedy of losing you into so many wonderful things. Thank you, babies.

I wanted to have a fun day with your brothers yesterday. I know you wouldn't have wanted me to mope around. And if there is one thing about grief that I can count on is that the build-up to milestones is always alot harder than the actual day. Yesterday was good. I woke to many warm wishes from the friends in my life. (Thank you, all of you)

Colton, Ethan, and I decided to make paper snowflakes for the house after spending the morning cuddled under blankets watching Blues Clues on Netflix. Snow reminds me of you and it would really be a fun way to spend the morning. Nothing like pieces of paper and glitter to bring out the smiles. And it was really Ethan's first time using scissors. He is my lefty.

Colton begged and begged to let me let him to put the glitter on his snowflakes. I finally caved. And check out what Ethan is up to behind him.

Oh, that boy is tons of fun!

Here is the finished product. Of course, I forgot that stick glue doesn't hold glitter well, so now there are piles of glitter behind the tv.

Yesterday evening was Life Fellowships annual Ladies Christmas Tea. It was this event last year that brought me to this amazing church. And for the event to be held on your 6 month birthday, well pretty sure it was where I needed to be. I was surrounded by women who love and care for me, and I felt close to the two of you.

So, here's the EATing part of my day. And I went back for seconds and half a thirds. The food was great, the fellowship was wonderful. I am so happy that I was able to make it. I honestly don't know where I would be without my Life Fellowship family.

We also made corn bags.

And the church bought me some flowers. They are beautiful and I am thankful. (Kristan, does the angle work for you?)

All in all, the day was really great. I thought about you often. And I miss you all the time. But I know that you are well in Heaven and watching down on us.

With all my heart,

Mommy