Monday, February 27, 2012

9 Weeks!!!

Yay for 9 weeks today!  1 more week to double digit weeks, and 4 more weeks left of the first trimester!  Here are some stats:

Baby size: .9 inches (size of a grape)

Weight Gain: 2.5 lbs.

How I feel: Feeling better in the mornings and afternoons. Around 4:00 or so it begins to go downhill.

Symptoms: Gas!!!! Nausea, moodiness (just ask my sweet husband), breasts are sore, exhausted, and often short of breath, and a bloody nose in the morning.

Favorite Food: grapes and rootbeer floats
Maternity clothes: Now that I have the belly band, I can wear my favorite jeans for a while longer.  But many shirts are too tight....gotta love pregnancy number 4!!
Best Part of last week: No spotting!!
Looking forward to: Continuing to feel better

Last week was a pretty good week.  I am so excited to have made it another week closer to the end of the first trimester.  I am starting to feel like myself again, though.  And that really helps.  I've missed me.  My family has missed me.  I am so ready for spring, and just all the wonderful things that the future weeks and months possibly hold.

I am beginning to feel a little homesick.  The warm weather brings that on every year.  I get carsick just driving across town, so I am sure that a 200 mile trip isn't in my cards anytime soon. 

The boys are starting to get more excited.  Colton asks daily how big our baby is.  He also makes sure to tell everyone that it is going to be hard to keep an eye on two little ones.  A true big brother.  Ethan always lets me know he's being careful around me, as he doesn't want to hurt the baby. He is also getting in some extra cuddle time.  I am enjoying the time with them!

Angela, from Little Bird wrote a post over at Among the Circle.  Check it out, her writing is amazing and honest.

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Saturday, February 18, 2012

Among the Circle

Here it is, the new project I have been working on!

This is a blog for parents who have lost a baby and are expecting their rainbow baby.  I am so excited about this site and can't wait to see how it will grow.  We are still looking for a few regular authors to write here, so if you are interested, please let me know.  There are so many ideas for this site, and I hope that in the coming weeks, it really begins to take shape.

Please feel free to share this link on your blogs. 

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Wednesday, February 15, 2012

The Most Beautiful Sight

...the first flicker of your baby's heartbeat!!!!  Baby Cinco's heartbeat was 150 this afternoon!  It was hard to make out top and bottom of baby, but there was no mistaking that beautiful flicker of her/his heart.  You can even see it in the picture below.  It's the bright spot. How super awesome.

My dr feels confident the spotting is from the blood vessels around my cervix.  I trust her in this, and it makes sense.  She has officially given me a due date of Oct. 1st.  Which means a c-section around Sept 20th or so.

I want to say THANK YOU to all of you!  Your prayers, thoughts, and support have carried me through the past couple of weeks.  God is truly good.  Twenty months ago, I never would have thought I would be here, going through all of this, and least of all with such an amazing support group by my side.  It is humbling.  Thank you thank you thank you!!!
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Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Happy Valentine's Day

Dear Lucas and Caleb,

Happy Valentine's Day sweet baby boys.  Two years ago today I got my first peek at one of you in the emergency room.  One of you was hiding from the ER Doctor.  And two years ago today I spent the last moments with my grandpa before he passed a few weeks later.  Today kind of holds some heavy emotions.  I sure miss the three of you.

I get to see your little brother or sister tomorrow.  I hope.  I am terrified that we will see nothing.  I know it is so likely that we'll see a tiny heartbeat and tiny baby, but I know reality, and it scares me.

Daddy is cooking our traditional Valentine's dinner right now.  Linguine with clam sauce.  He made this for me on our second date, and I LOVED it!!  We sat on the floor of his little apartment and ate.  He didn't have a table at the time.  I remember we had milk to drink, and I laughed at how he made the garlic bread.  Every year now he makes this dinner after the boy go to bed and we eat it together.  He also bought me my gold dipped rose again.  It is white.  It reminds me of the two of you.

I miss you babies!  I sat in the same classroom for Ethan's party today that I sat in when I was pregnant with you and at Colton's party.  It was hard as I thought about it.  But it was also peaceful, remembering the happiness and excitement I felt at that time.

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Sunday, February 12, 2012


Today marks 7 weeks for this pregnancy.  Never before has each and every week of a pregnancy been such a huge milestone.  I feel a little more relief as each week successfully passes.  I am that much closer to my next ultrasound, that much closer to 13 weeks, and that much closer to being able to feel this baby move around, bringing a little more relief.

Once I have the ultrasound on Wednesday and have been reassured thing are going alright, I'll start doing a weekly update post.  I just really want to have that piece of mind, first.

The all day long nausea isn't really letting up much right now.  I have spent many hours of the past several days hanging on the couch with my Kindle Fire.  It is so nice to check facebook and email from the comfort of my couch.  Netflix is also getting tons of use through the beginning of this pregnancy.  I wonder how many series of shows I can complete.  I am trying to take advantage of the small bursts of energy to keep caught up around the house some.  And I think we are all doing a pretty decent job around here. 

I am going to attempt making it to church this morning.  I need to be there.  It's really a great way to start my week, and I think I need a really good start to this one.  I am nervous and anxious about Wednesday.  Part of me would rather not go, rather not know.  But it will also be nice to have a more definitive answer.

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Friday, February 10, 2012

Going Through the Motions

Yesterday was my OB interview.  The appointment when you go in, discuss insurance, medical history, and they take several vials of blood.  This is the fourth OBi we've been to.  Always I have been bubbling over with excitement as they said, "Congratulations!"  This time not so much.  It was more like, "Thanks, we're excited." in a almost there kind of tone.

My heart is guarded.  Heavily armored, guarded.  I don't feel the excitement I did the first week.  I know some of this is the all-day-long nausea that has found its way in, but I also know some of it is fear.  I'm afraid of my heart breaking all over again.  Just as soon as I am feeling more confident about this pregnancy, I start to spot a little. Just enough to dampen my hopes some.

I feel like I am just going through the motions of this pregnancy.  I'm just not convinced that we will get to keep this baby.  I want this baby, Baby Cinco, so very bad.  And right now I am so grateful for every single unpleasent symptom. They all tell me that my levels are increasing, which means there is most likely a baby growing in there.  But the doubt creeps in every once in awhile.

We have another ultrasound on Wednesday.  I can't believe it's almost been two weeks.  I'll be 7 weeks 3 days by their count.  That means that I should walk away with more definite knowledge.  Either way there will be tears.  And either way I will be ready for the news.

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Thursday, February 2, 2012

Harder Than I Imagined

Wow, yesterday was awful.  I woke up with a slap in the face by grief and then more spotting.  The tears followed, the fear of everything ending came flooding in.  I called my dr as instructed the day before and waited for the call back.  When my nurse called me back, she offered an ultrasound to check things out.  She asked if it would make me feel better, and I honestly answered with, "I don't know."  She said it might and scheduled one for 1:00.

Then I cried some more.  I was terrified of going in and seeing that something was wrong.  I was terrified of finding out that the baby had died already, or that there was an ectopic pregnancy, or just any of the stories I know about.  And grief just compounded it all.

Well, I went in, they turned on the screen, and we saw a sac.  No baby.  I panicked.  The ultrasound tech was quiet and started measuring.  She then said in a reassuring tone, not to worry.  I was measuring 5w3d, and at that gestation, a sac is all you'll see.  I did the math, that's 5 days difference in my dating.  So I began to fear again. What if the baby quit growing at 5w3d and that is why I am measuring this?  What if it's a blighted ovum?  What if, what if, what if???  She continued to take pictures and measurements and sound reassuring.  When she finished, I waiting for my nurse, W. 

W came and got me and gave me a hug.  We talked, she tried to make me feel better and said all could still be okay.  Dr. L came in and we went over it all.  She was honest about what we saw and tried to come up with everything she could to reassure me that everything could be okay.  She also gave me the rundown of what could be going on and diagnosed my spotting as threatened miscarriage.  She said we really need to wait two more weeks for another scan to get me over the 7 week mark.  So wait I will do.

I feel better about things today.  Grief made it's exit and I am feeling like things are going to be okay.  I know that the u/s measurements and dating could make some other things with the pregnancy make sense, so that is what I am going with.  I knew this pregnancy was going to be tough at times, but I really had no idea it would be like this.  I don't think anyone can ever be prepared for a subsequent pregnancy and all that comes with it, especially one that starts off on a bumpy road.  This is hard, but it's another journey I must walk.  But it makes me miss my little boys that much more.

This isn't my u/s pic, but it is exactly what I saw yesterday.  It was very reassuring to find this, though.

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