Moving Quickly

Wow, time is really moving quickly!  I just realized I am writing post #242!  I don't remember hitting 200, at all.  17 months without my sweet baby boys just passed, and earlier today I referred to losing them as 18 months ago.  Really?? 

Speaking of them, I had the most amazing reaction today from a lady who I talked about them with.  We talk often, everyday I pick Ethan up from school.  She's worked there since Colton started attending there.  But we've never talked about Lucas and Caleb.  She asked about if I was happy with two boys today as we were waiting for Ethan and Willy to go to the restroom.  This is always an awkard question for me.  I told her we were actually blessed with four boys, but that we lost twins 18  months ago.  Her reaction was perfect.  No crazy amount of pity and the pat "I'm sorry."  She looked genuinely saddened by the news, but continued the conversation also.  Hard to explain, I guess.  We talked about how as bad as I would love, love to have a little girl running around, what I truly desire is a healthy baby coming home in my arms (not a white box.)  It was overall a nice conversation, considering.

I feel like I am back on track all around.  I am cooking again, the boys are getting their work done, and my laundry is caught up.  I missed my planner last week, and actually enjoyed catching it back up yesterday.  Christmas is just around the corner.  I find myself fighting to not rush into the season versus last year when I just wanted to run away.  It's a nice change, that's for sure.  It's going to be a fun Christmas and I feel comfortable with where Lucas and Caleb fit into it all.  They are always with us and often those around us. 

I found myself wondering over the weekend if 18 months is going to be more painful than some of the more recent anniversaries.  I kind of feel that it will, for whatever reason.  Although Drew's Mom, Allison, put it well yesterday when she said it's closer to 2 years, on the flip side of it.  So, I refuse to let it blindside me, but am trying not to anticipate it, either.  I guess I'm really trying to avoid the thought of 18 months in general and what it means.   There are enough distracting thoughts going around inside this head of mind, that's for sure.

Wow, so there's some random ramble on a rainy day. 

Random Thoughts on a Monday

Wow!  We've really been busy.  Really, really busy.  And now that I'm home for a day, without Colton and Ethan, I am having time to process some things.  First I miss my boys this moment, all four of them.  I miss Colton's random hugs through the day and Ethan's priceless smile with the eye squint.  Those two boys really make my world go round.  And I miss Lucas and Caleb today.  I miss that they probably would have been with us when Willy and I had lunch, or that we wouldn't have gone out to lunch.  I am pretty sure it was to be a rare occasion that Grandma took all four boys at the same time, let alone for two nights.  So, honestly, I probably wouldn't be alone right now had Lucas and Caleb lived. 

I'm in a weird place right now.  Maybe I jumped back into live too quickly after their birthday.  Maybe I'm not giving myself enough down time and just avoiding the hole that is still there.  Maybe the desire to have our rainbow is just so strong right now that it is magnify-ing grief.  Who knows.  There are really no answers, just speculations.

Other than all that, I am feeling pretty great most the time.  I feel so full of life most of the time.  I am ready to go and fully enjoying every single moment I have with Colton and Ethan.  In less than 9 weeks, Colton will be starting kindergarten.  In 9 weeks, Ethan will be starting pre-school.  My time with them will be less.  Every moment is that much more special.

So, I keep going back to the downer side.  I guess it's really just where I am at this moment.  I haven't been in the space much to write this month.  I have been keeping up with everyone else, and another wave of pregnancy announcements.  (Also a possible pregnancy in jeopardy, please keep T in your thoughts and prayers). 

Some ramblings

The past few days have been rather iffy. The clouds have beat out the sun and my tears have won over my blinks. I feel like I am on a teeter totter with my emotions. UP and DOWN, UP and DOWN. And Willy asks me all the time right now if I am okay. I tell him, "Yeah, I guess." And for the most part I am just that, okay.

I am sure all this is a mixture of things. The fact that I am quickly coming up on Lucas and Caleb's birthday, I am remembering the excitement from this time last year and wishing they were here. These days wouldn't hold the weight they do if my babies were here. The self-torture I put myself through reading the blog of a mom who has both her identical twin boys at home with her. I am happy for her family, her boys had a hard fight....and they won. I read about how blessed she feels, and I again, as I do often, what have I done to be walking down the other road. I have now vowed to no longer torture myself with knowing how they are doing. They are good and at home, that is what I prayed for for them. Now it's time for me to let go and spare my emotional well-being.

I am also doing a Bible Study on The Book of Ruth. I could probably write on this forever. The morning coffee dates with the Lord have been good for me. The pain comes from all the personal reflections. Each and every one brings me back to losing Lucas and Caleb. Most the time I am offered clarity, and I am grateful. I am reminded, though, how defining their short lives really are. And I am being forced to confront thoughts that used to be just fleeting. Thoughts and feelings that would rush in, and I would push away just as quickly. I didn't want to entertain them. Now that I have to, it's hard, but it's also freeing in a way. I am glad I've taken the oppurtunity to do this bible study. And I am kind of hooked, okay completely hooked.

And to be honest, I am battling my emotions about my sister's pregnancy. She is close to eight weeks, and most days I am over the top thrilled for her. She has had early losses, and really wants this baby. But there are a few days when I just don't want to think about it. Not that I'm not happy for her on those days, but that I'd rather not visit that place. And I feel bad about feeling that way once in awhile. She looks up to me, as a sister and a mom. I love being able to be there for her, I just wish my heart was always in it, not just 6 out of 7 days in the week.

So, after spilling all this out, I feel lighter and the sun is in full shine. I also would like to ask for prayers for my grandma. Tomorrow is the one day anniversary of my grandfather's passing. She is also preparing to start chemo for colon cancer next week. It's a hard month for her and she could use all the thoughts and prayers you are all so generous with.

Ramblings

I saw my OB today for the first time since my 4 week post-op appt. I knew I would run into her at Colton's Christmas program (a post for tomorrow). I had anxiety about it all morning. So I decided to dress great, look great, and hopefully feel good from all the greatness. And it worked. I am so proud of myself. She saw me, gave me a hug, and when she sincerely asked how I was doing I was honest and said, "Really well." Because I am, especially when compared the wreck I was four weeks after their birth. And we talked for a few minutes, she said how it was great to see me and was very genuine. It was a short chat, but one of those humps I had to cross. I have, I didn't cry (though my heart raced and the tears started to build up). I only wish I knew I would be seeing her soon to check on our rainbow baby. But I will continue to be patient, because I've been promised that patience pays off.

I feel a bad day coming. It's slowly building up inside me. The lumps are growing in my throat more often and they are harder to swallow. I feel on the verge of tears with less and less triggers. I knew it was too good to be true to make it to Christmas without a breakdown. I want it to come soon, before Christmas. I wander if I can force it out of it's hiding place. Hmmm....

Oh! And I received my gift from the Holiday Gift Exchange. Lei sent me a beautiful bracelet with a dragonfly charm. Gorgeous! I love it! Thank you, Lei! It brightened my moment and I am sure it will brighten my days. And there's been talk of a gift exchange for Mother's Day.