The past few days have been rather iffy. The clouds have beat out the sun and my tears have won over my blinks. I feel like I am on a teeter totter with my emotions. UP and DOWN, UP and DOWN. And Willy asks me all the time right now if I am okay. I tell him, "Yeah, I guess." And for the most part I am just that, okay.
I am sure all this is a mixture of things. The fact that I am quickly coming up on Lucas and Caleb's birthday, I am remembering the excitement from this time last year and wishing they were here. These days wouldn't hold the weight they do if my babies were here. The self-torture I put myself through reading the blog of a mom who has both her identical twin boys at home with her. I am happy for her family, her boys had a hard fight....and they won. I read about how blessed she feels, and I again, as I do often, what have I done to be walking down the other road. I have now vowed to no longer torture myself with knowing how they are doing. They are good and at home, that is what I prayed for for them. Now it's time for me to let go and spare my emotional well-being.
I am also doing a Bible Study on The Book of Ruth. I could probably write on this forever. The morning coffee dates with the Lord have been good for me. The pain comes from all the personal reflections. Each and every one brings me back to losing Lucas and Caleb. Most the time I am offered clarity, and I am grateful. I am reminded, though, how defining their short lives really are. And I am being forced to confront thoughts that used to be just fleeting. Thoughts and feelings that would rush in, and I would push away just as quickly. I didn't want to entertain them. Now that I have to, it's hard, but it's also freeing in a way. I am glad I've taken the oppurtunity to do this bible study. And I am kind of hooked, okay completely hooked.
And to be honest, I am battling my emotions about my sister's pregnancy. She is close to eight weeks, and most days I am over the top thrilled for her. She has had early losses, and really wants this baby. But there are a few days when I just don't want to think about it. Not that I'm not happy for her on those days, but that I'd rather not visit that place. And I feel bad about feeling that way once in awhile. She looks up to me, as a sister and a mom. I love being able to be there for her, I just wish my heart was always in it, not just 6 out of 7 days in the week.
So, after spilling all this out, I feel lighter and the sun is in full shine. I also would like to ask for prayers for my grandma. Tomorrow is the one day anniversary of my grandfather's passing. She is also preparing to start chemo for colon cancer next week. It's a hard month for her and she could use all the thoughts and prayers you are all so generous with.