Tuesday, May 31, 2011

And so it begins...

I am quickly approaching the last time we heard Lucas' heartbeat. 5:23pm, it was 164 and he was moving around. My heart is beginning to break all over right now.

So far today has been slightly up and down. No major meltdowns, and some smiles. But that is all changing now. I can now feel all the weight holding me down. I feel like I am beginning to drown some. My mind is suddenly replaying every moment of the 31st last year. The countdown to 48 hours.

Soon Mike and Dru would be coming by with the boys to visit. They left the boys with Willy so they could start their new routine. After 6:00pm the critical time passed, and Willy needed to get some sleep in his own bed. The plan was for him to work from home part-time. Kristan would be able to come if I needed her to and Jill would soon be over so I wouldn't be alone for long. I was surrounded by so many during this time, and for that I am grateful.

I will always hate that I sent Willy home. I will always hope that he never feels guilty for not being there when we learned that Lucas died, and again when I went in for my c-section. And I will never forget those moments when our eyes met, and his heart broke for me, and for our sons. I will never fully understand how he feels, but I love him for feeling the way he does.

I have no idea what this time has in store for us, but it's off to a rough start. I am sure I will write here often, just to share different things over the next day or so. I am so grateful for this place. I can't believe this time is already here. The next 32 hours are reminders of everything we went through. Lucas dying, the c-section, seeing my Caleb for the first time, finding out there was no more hope, holding both my babies together, and losing our second son in two days.I miss you, my babies.

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Monday, May 30, 2011

May 30th...2010 and 2011

May 30th, 2010.

My dad arrived at the hospital in the afternoon for love and support. The day was filled with anticipation. And we passed the 24 hour mark, only 24 to go until the steroids did their job, and we were on safer ground. I watched tv in my room and visited with those that cam by to share their love and prayers. And I used the bedpan some more. ( I really was not a fan.)

When my dad arrived, Willy headed out for a few hours to take a shower and pick up some stuff from home to move to the hospital for my 12 week stay.

The lilies around the pond in front bloomed that morning...just as they did yesterday morning.

Here Willy is wearing his Father of Twins shirt and playing video games. He went out and bought a cord to rig the car dvd player up so he could play games and sit with me.
(The shirt is now in the twin's tote. I also still have hurt feelings towards the person that made the comment, "A little pre-mature, don't you think," when he first wore it. I guess it's a good thing I don't remember who it was, just that it was said.)

My very last belly shot. The belt barely fit, and it was often tight and we would have to move it. You can see how my belly was squeezed some here.

I asked Willy to bring me a bag of peanut M&M's. I got three different types and TONS of them. I love my husband so much. And I haven't had an M&M since these were gone. They remind me so much of my stay, and the days after.

May 30th, 2011

Today has been much easier than I had anticipated. The holiday weekend, Willy being off today reset the DAY/DATE conundrum. I am quite appreciative of that. Since the 30th was the "quiet" day in the bunch, today also seemed to play the part. We planned to spend the day at White Water with the boys and the Gipsons.

Family photo taken with the timer on my back-up camera.

Colton's splash...

Colton at the bottom of the tube slide.

Ethan at the bottom of the slide.

Colton and Riley playing together.

The boys played hard! We went down ALOT of water slides. Ethan even came out of his shell and went down the big ones. Crazy fun! I am glad we decided on the season passes, as we will probably spend alot of time there this summer.

Ethan sleeping so hard he was drooling. We wore those two little boys out.

Also on the way home, Willy attempted to miss an alligator snapping turtle, by driving over it. Well, the turtle's shell did some damage to my van.

DETROYED these pieces! And part stores don't normally carry them, so he has to call the dealer. This means I am STUCK at home for a few days, a few days that I really don't need to be stuck at home. And the end result....emotional crash. I lost my mind all of a sudden. The day had been going so well. I had avoided thoughts that would hurt, for the most part. I even saw pregnant women in bikinis and held it together, easily. Oh well, I guess it might just be a precursor to tomorrow, the 31st. Lucas' angelversary.

Here we go......

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Sunday, May 29, 2011

200 POSTS!!!

In the midst of all this darkness, I have hit a sunny day and MY 200th POST!!!!!! I cannot believe I have shared my life 200 times with the world in just over a year. WOW! You all have been through the good and bad, fun and sad, joyous and hard times with me. I have been consistently surrounded by your love and support. If it weren't for this space and all of you, I have no doubt I would be in a much darker place. Thank you everyone for everything! This post is the last one to comment on (here or on facebook) for the give-a-way. I will be randomly selecting names sometime this upcoming week.

Also, I want to think Kristin Cook for this amazing idea. As a way to remember Lucas and Caleb during their three days (May31-June2), I am asking friends and family to perform a random act of kindness and share it either here, on facebook (I created an event), or email (familyofearls@gmail.com). At the end of the week, I will post them all (anonymously). I really look forward to seeing all the greatness!!!!

I am actually doing pretty good right now. I had a breakdown in church this morning. But my family there is amazing and helped me through it. I feel safe there. And I feel so much better having just let it out. There are others there who have lost and it's so nice to be surrounded be people who understand on similar levels.

Tomorrow is Memorial Day, the DAY Lucas passed away. We have planned a really fun family day, a way to keep busy and enjoy the blessings I have in my husband, Colton, and Ethan. I have pictures from last year I want to post that were taken on the 30th. Since this is a happy post, it will wait until morning. That will also help me get the grief out of the way for the day.

Again, thank you everyone for continuing to make this place a special space for me and my babies. Thank you for your love, prayers, thoughts, and support this past year. I am amazed every day by the wonderful people in my family's lives.

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Saturday, May 28, 2011

Memorial Weekend Saturday

I changed the format of comments, hopefully making it easier to comment. I've received messages that comments aren't posting on several blogs recently. It'll come up as a pop up window.

I am not sure how I feel today. I guess I can say I feel better than I thought I would, but that probably means it'll really suck tomorrow. Or it could be that I have avoided these thoughts thus far this morning, and I'm about to be hit by a truck, make it a train.

First, this is the anniversary, 5/28, of the last post I wrote while pregnant with Lucas and Caleb. I was so happy. I was completely clueless. Although I honestly feel that deep down inside, in a place I didn't want to visit, I knew these babies were not for this world.

Today, this Saturday, is the Saturday it all began to go downhill, quickly. We woke up like normal, and spent the morning planning our holiday weekend. It was going to be low-key since I was to take it easy. I had bought a maternity belt the night before and it made a HUGE difference in how I felt. We headed to the mall around 10:00 to meet a couple who we were buying a play yard for off craigslist. We already have one, but wanted another to let the twins play in as they became more mobile. We placed it in the back of the van, chatted about expecting two more little boys with the couple who had chosen to stop with one.

We had some lunch, then headed to the McGregor pool to meet Kristan and her boys. It was definitely a warm day and the first day the pool was open. We arrived and there were grandparents there with two sets of twin grandchildren. One set was boy/boy and the other boy/girl. They lived across the street and said that they brought them over often when giving the parents a break. We talked about how special twins were, and how much fun it was going to be. We probably talked for 20 minutes about it. I was happy, excited, ready for it all.

We all sat in the pool and enjoyed the cool water. Willy played with the three older boys, and Thomas hung out with Kristan and I. I was enjoying the weightlessness-ish of being in the pool. Lucas was flipping around and Caleb was kicking and pushing my ribs on the right. He hung out there alot. I gently rubbed him a little to make it more comfortable. We did this alot. He'd kick and push around my ribs and I would give him some love. Then he would stretch out and get more comfortable.

After leaving the pool, we headed home for naptime. The boys went upstairs to sleep and I took my post on the couch, close to the bathroom. I fell asleep quickly, and Willy played a game on the computer. At about 2:30 I felt a spurt of wetness. I jumped up and went to the bathroom. I didn't know what it was, but feared my water had began to leak. I had read about it some, but didn't really want to believe it. Maybe Lucas had just pushed heavily down on my bladder or something. We decided to keep an eye on it.

Nothing else really happened for a couple hours so we headed out to Mike and Dru's to drop the kids off for the night. We were there about 20 minutes when I went to the bathroom and noticed some pink. I immediately became scared, knowing what this probably meant. We left the boys and headed to the hospital. We talked on the way there about what this could mean. They would simply admit me and keep me in the hospital for 12 more weeks. We would have to re-arrange things with Colton and Ethan. Mike and Dru would help with them and some stuff around the house, and Willy would work from home a few days a week. We had this.

We arrived at the hospital and lay in triage for what seemed like hours. They had a hard time determining whether or not my water had broke. They did an ultrasound and measured Lucas and Caleb. They measured right on track, 3 ounces apart. They couldn't find the sac line with this machine, but both babies were swimming freely around. After a few hours, and several tests, a tech popped her head in to tell the nurse that one of my bags had ruptured.

I will never forget the way I felt at that very moment. Up until that moment I had hoped with all I had that it was something silly. But this was really happening. We asked the nurse what it meant. She said they would admit me for the rest of my pregnancy. She said that they have women who come in and stay the last 12-16 weeks of their pregnancies and they have healthy, full-term babies. I took a deep breath and made phone calls while waiting for the on-call doctor to come in with the plan.

Dr. N came in and checked me to make sure I wasn't dilating or anything. We talked some about my pregnancy. She told me she had 10 month twin boys at home and that we were in for some fun when we brought Lucas and Caleb home. She told the nurses to start me on steroids and that I needed to be using a bedpan. She then said the first 48 hours were critical. If I could get the steroids in me for 48 hours, they would help with lung and brain maturity. And if I didn't go into labor, then we would be on a much safer side of all this. We needed to get them to 25 weeks and 2 lbs for them to have a much higher chance of surviving, and much lower chance of complications. I thought, "No problem." We got this.

We settled in for the night. A night with little sleep, but full of hope for the next several weeks.

I can't believe this weekend is already here. I have been pulling away from it for so long. I can't believe how much changed. I wish more than anything in the world that it all ended differently. I wish I knew, really knew, that babies die. I don't think I enjoyed those last days with them as much as I could have. I loved them, talked to them all the time, but I also watched the clock, groaned about using the bedpan. I would have taken more pictures, requested to watch them longer on ultrasounds.

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Friday, May 27, 2011

Last Minute Release

First, thank you Kristan for bringing your smile, your boys, and some strawberry lemonade yesterday morning. What a great difference they made in my morning.

Yesterday morning, a friend, Erin, messeged me about Lost and Found's memorial balloon release and 5K walk/run. Lost and Found is an organization for children who have lost parents, siblings, grandparents, loved ones. They also help the whole family. I have thought about taking Colton, but just like MEND, I hadn't gotten around to it.

Well, most of you know I don't run unless I'm being chased. But I did want to do the balloon release. I want to do one for Lucas and Caleb's birthday, but there is a small hang-up with the environmental stuff I have read. Lost and Found uses environmentally safe balloons and we were all in. I decided to bring Colton along with me, since he has a special bond with Lucas and Caleb.

I was running late, so Danielle and her mom, Sue grabbed our balloons for us. As I opened the marker to write Lucas' name, it all hit me. This whole past year, all at once. It's really true, I have babies in Heaven. There are no words to describe what I felt. But Danielle was by my side, telling me it was okay, hand on my shoulder. I looked at Colton, took a deep breath and began to quickly write.

We joined Erin's family and the Conaways (they lost a baby boy around same gestation May 25th). As were were arriving, a balloon popped. Sue ran back to the tent to replace it. By the time she got back with it and a pen, another had poppped. She wasn't 10 feet away and we discovered Lucas' had a pin-hole in it. Really?? Thank you, Sue for all your running back and forth to make sure we had balloons to send into the sky.

Colton and I before hand. The boys only takes goofy photos. I love that I will always have pictures of his personality.


There is something calming about seeing this in person. Sue leaned over to me, put her arm around me and said, "Let some of the pain float away with these balloons."

And it did.

This face helped also. I think alot of things came together for him at this moment.

The blue spot is the balloons. If you click on it, you should be able to see the specks.

After the release was the run. Colton and I will run next year. Danielle said they will join us. It could be interesting, but I really think it would be a great way to start the final stretch to Lucas and Caleb's birthday. We then let Colton run along the edges of the fountains, and water stairs. Why I didn't take pictures, I am not sure. I really wish I had. He did great staying out of the water until the very in. He fell, scraped his leg, but is okay.

We then found some Andy's coupons, came home and took Daddy and Ethan out for frozen yogurt, for the second night in a row.

I feel pretty good this morning. I hope the worst is gone. I don't expect it to, but then if it is, I'll be pleasantly surprised. I am so grateful for all the love and support that is surrounding my family during this time. We couldn't walk this alone. Each and everyone of you help make this time easier, and more special. We love you all!!

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Thursday, May 26, 2011

Rescue (post #197)

The pain yesterday SUCKED! I honestly feel like I am back in those first days at home without Lucas and Caleb. I couldn't make simple decisions, felt overwhelmed being by myself, and cried just for the sake of crying. I forgot what that level of intense grief was like. How it felt like my heart was being squeezed of all it had. Just speaking to someone brought the tears on. Every move I made brought back memories.

I called Aunt Jamie (Willy's cousin) after realizing I couldn't be alone yesterday morning. I asked her what she was doing, yada yada yada. When she asked me where I wanted to go, I had to hang up. I started to cry and panic. I called Rhonda, needing help. She was just here, and I knew she could help pull me through. After about 10 minutes and some great advice, Aunt Jamie called me back. She said, "I'm on my way, don't go anywhere." And then she was here.

She came to my rescue. I really have no idea how yesterday would have turned out for me or my boys if she hadn't shown up. I am honestly at the point I was those first days, weeks. I can't think clearly, at all. And I feel so alone, that I don't want to be alone.

Cousins, Lucky and Snickers, meeting for the first time.

These two puppies played for HOURS! It was hillaious to watch and brought me some true smiles.

Since I had promised the boys we would go somewhere, we took them to the farm park to play.

This chicken looks how I felt.

Love all three of them so much! Aunt Jamie is so full of love and happiness. She came to our rescue. I am pretty sure we would have stayed home and watched tv all day if she hadn't come over.

Colton jumping off the bale of hay. Ethan was quite cautious about getting down, which is highly unusual for him.

The boys feeding the ducks pretzels I had brought for a snack.

The ducks figuring out where they were coming from.

A story I want to share. As the boys were feeding the ducks, a family with a little boy walked over. Ethan grabbed a pretzel from my purse, walked up to the little boy and said, "Here, you can feed the ducks, too." Such an amazingly sweet son.

Dru came over after work bringing Mountain Dew and gummy bears. It was nice to visit and get a much needed hug from her.

And Willy brought me home an orchid. He saw it and knew I needed some flowers. This week is tough on him, also. And I know it's harder in ways because he wants to help me.

After dinner we went to Fruityland for dessert. It is a serve yourself frozen yogurt place. There is like 10 kinds of fro-yo and probably 30 different toppings. It is always so much fun creating food with the kiddos.

Then we took Aunt Jamie home and headed for the house. The boys hopped in the shower. And the quiet time brought back the pain and tears. I made a few phone calls, and headed to bed. I slept pretty well, for the most part. Today is okay. I feel the weight of the grief, but it wasn't so unexpected today. I am sure the next few days will be the same. But I know how to battle it. Thank you to everyone for your love, thoughts, and prayers.

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P.S. Only 4 more posts to comment on to enter the give-a-way. You can also comment on the facebook link to enter. I know some people have a hard time with commenting on blogger sometimes. ( It gives me a hard time also.)

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

A Week Away

I miss you my babies. Your birthday is a week away and I should be chasing you around trying to get stuff together. Your party was going to be a monkey/jungle theme.

There is so much pain right now. How did this all happen?

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Tuesday, May 24, 2011


This Tuesday, a year ago started out normal enough. I woke up, ate breakfast with Willy and the boys and took my post on the couch. Dru called late morning to see if I wanted to get the boys out of the house for awhile, and I quickly agreed. She came by, picked us up, and we headed to McDonalds for some lunch and play. The boys played while Dru and I sat and visited.

We then headed to Wal-Mart so we could pick up a few things. She convinced me I needed to ride one of the chair carts. I found one and LOVED it! It was really fun to zoom around and I could move faster. She took the boys over to grocery while I looked for some new gym shorts to wear. I accidentally bumped another lady's cart and we talked for a few about Lucas and Caleb and Colton and Ethan. The trip wasn't very long and I was beginning to tire.

We came home, and I put the boys down for a nap. Dru headed back to her house and I reclined back on the couch for some quiet time. At about 2:15 I started to feel contractions again. They were coming every 5 minutes or so and lasting about 45-60 seconds. I watched them for an hour and a half and decided to call my dr. They recommended me to come in and be checked.

I called Dru and waited for her and Willy to arrive. I packed the boys' suitcase and just prayed for everything to be okay.

When we arrived at Labor and Delivery, there were comments about how big I was, and my weigh was noted. The first time in my life I was over 200lbs! I laid down, and they played hide-and-seek with Lucas and Caleb. They hooked me up to a monitor to record the contractions. After a few hours they decided to keep me overnight for monitoring, but felt confident they were only Braxton Hicks.

The night was long, neither Willy or I slept much. Nurses were in and out. We learned if I stayed off my back, the BH would subside for awhile. The nurses spent over 45 minutes that morning trying to get both Lucas and Caleb's heartrates at the same time. We laughed so much. My boys had personality. Dr. L. came in Wednesday morning and said they were BH and to just take it really easy. She said both sacs had extra fluid and that my uterus was irritated, causing the BH.

I left knowing the next 13 weeks would be tough, but confident we would make it through it. Afterall, I had two beautiful babies growing inside of me.

I came downstairs this morning to that scent that was here last Tuesday. It only hangs around for 30 seconds or so, but it brings deja-vu. A week from today we arrive at Lucas' angelversary. I am sure Monday will seem more like the day than Tuesday, as that is the way it is so far. I am trying to pack full my schedule so I don't have to debate what the boys and I are going to do. I feel worn out, would much rather lie on the couch and do absolutely nothing. But that is pretty close to what I was doing this time last year. And I don't want that either.

This all hurts. I think it is more than enough that we have to live through this once. Now having to re-live it all just plain sucks. I hate it all and this next week is for the birds. I know the time will pass and I will make it through, just as everyone before me has. But that doesn't make the pain any less.

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Monday, May 23, 2011

No Title Today

First, I want to say that my prayers and condolences are with all the victims of the Joplin tornado from last night. I've seen pictures and videos and my heart just reaches out to everyone impacted. If you are in the surrounding areas, there are a number of sites you can go to to see how to help, if you want. Also, they are calling for blood donations for those who can't go up to help, but still want to.

Days are getting tougher. The first few weeks of May went by pretty effortlessly. I thought maybe I would get through this a little easier than expected. Towards the end of the week I became trigger sensitive again. Thoughts of "next week will be one year since...." would bring on a flurry of emotions and tears. And now next week is this week, tomorrow. Tomorrow (Tuesday) is one year from the DAY that I made my first trip to Labor and Delivery. It seems like right now the day brings back more than the date. I heard this before, and it's a little confusing, really.

But those days are quickly approaching. I wrote last night in my journal to the twins, "The pain I feel this last week of your year closely resembles the pain I felt that first week. I am always on the verge of tears, and at times feel like a zombie walking through life." I know some around me are afraid to say anything about Lucas and Caleb, or ask how I am doing. They fear that I will begin to cry, as I probably will. But the tears are cleansing. They are real, as are my feelings, as is the impact Lucas and Caleb have made in so many lives.

Willy and I were blessed with a lot of together time alone this weekend. Kristan took them Friday night so we could have dinner together. We talked, really talked for the first time in a while. Lately it has seemed like we are two people on the same road, but not really together. We are aware of each other, interact with each other, parent together, but we just haven't been connected for a few weeks or so. It was so nice to be able to sit and eat and not worry about everything else around us.

On Saturday after learning White Water wasn't opening for Sunday, Dru called and offered to take the boys for the day/night. She picked them up around 2:30ish on Saturday and brought them home about 8:30ish last night. Willy and I went to Wal-Mart Saturday and planned the twins' garden out. It was so nice to do this with him. We talked about the different flowers we liked and whether to buy a pot or build a square box. We discussed ideas for their permenant garden when we move. A side joke, we found a lily called "Tiny Ghost" that cracked us up and received a strange look from a passer-by. hehe

Sunday, after church, we headed to Silver Dollar City. We were able to ride a few rides we don't get to when the boys are with us, and we were able to do some shopping. Just more together time to talk and re-connect. I cannot thank the wonderful family in our lives that allowed us this time together. This was the perfect weekend for us, as we are headed into the valley of grief.

I dropped Willy off at the south side of town so he could ride his scooter home. I was about a mile away when I turned on the radio and heard the news of the weather. The tornado had just hit Joplin and the weather was heading our way. I debated going back for Willy, but wasn't sure if he would ride with me or not. I figured I would just hurry home. Dru called to let me know her and the boys were going to ride the storm out at her place instead of bringing them into town in middle of it.

Willy arrived home safely, and drenched. He dried off and we watched video of the devastation in Joplin. He took Snickers out and called for me. I grabbed my camera and saw some really neat shading of the trees by the clouds. The tops of them were lit up and there was a distinct line. Then we turned around and saw this.

I realized there was a faint double to the rainbow.

This rainbow was incredibly bright. I have never see pink before next to violet. AMAZING!

Two rainbows. "LORD make me a rainbow....I'll shine down on my mother...She'll know I'm safe with your when she stands under my colors." ("If I Die Young" by The Band Perry) Two rainbows from my two baby boys at a time when I needed so much.

Colton excited about two rainbows. Dru and I standing next to each other just taking it in. She is always in tune to where I am at.

My embracing the peace of knowing Lucas and Caleb are always watching down on me.

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Thursday, May 19, 2011

Colton's Pre-K Graduation

Today was the day my first born became a kid. Like a real kid. He's not a preschooler anymore, and that is pretty hard to swallow. I honestly have no idea where the time has gone. It seems like just yesterday I was holding him in my arms in the hospital.

Colton has really blossomed into a caring, kind, smart boy. It has been so much fun watching him grow to this point, I have no idea what is coming next. I really don't feel ready to have a son in school, kindergarten. I'm not ready for him to grow up, have homework, and be gone from me 40 hours a week. That's all just kind of crazy.

But the day was good. I began to cry as soon as they started to walk down the center onto the stage. Tears dried up soon enough and I made it through the rest of the ceremony.

I have to say though, the thought crossed my mind a few times that I will never get to see Lucas and Caleb graduate from Pre-Kindergarten. I won't get to see them in their matching outfits, side-by-side, probably laughing at a private joke.

I do have Colton and Ethan though. And I feel so blessed to kiss them goodnight each night and good morning every morning.

Colton waiting for the next song to start. He kept getting pushed behind the kids on either side, so this is one of the best shots we got of him.

My big boy after receiving his certificate.

A family picture minus two.

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Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Brave or Crazy??

First I want to congratulate Allison (Drew's mommy) on the birth of their beautiful baby girl, Genevieve! She is beautiful and perfect and so loved already!

Wow, what a day! I went to see Kim's new baby boy this morning after dropping Colton off at school. He is so precious and I love being able to share this time. Holding a newborn baby has such innocence.

She is at Cox South, the same hospital I delivered all four of my boys in. I was feeling pretty good (probably all the new babies around) that I thought I would journey to Labor and Delivery next. I have been trying to find a nurse, Emily, for awhile now and have had little luck. She was absolutely amazing during the time after Lucas and Caleb passed. Here are the details from my first trip to L&D. I could not make this up, either.

When I went through the door and was waiting at the sign-in desk, chimes started to go off. These are the chimes that sound every time a new baby is born. I caught my breath and smiled. Another healthy baby has made it. Then a woman was wheeled in through the doors to be admitted. Her water just broke and she was going to have twins. Seriously. My eyes wanted to water, my heart skipped a few beats before beginning to crumble, and they wheeled her to the back. I left a note for Emily for her mailbox and went on my way.

On the way back to the care we passed the NICU. They have viewing windows that usually have the shades drawn. I thought what the heck, I'm on a roll, let's look. And right there, in front of the cubby where I saw my Caleb for the first time, the shade was up. I stood there for what seemed like forever and just remembered every detail of those precious moments. Then one of the dr's that took care of my sick baby walked through the doors. I grabbed hold of Ethan and quickly left. The tears began to fall some, and I just couldn't believe it's been almost a year.

I am glad that I went back. I feel like it is something that I needed to do before their year comes to a close. It was hard, and there is definitely some pain, but I survived, just as I have everything else this past year. There are very few things left to do before we celebrate the birth of our Lucas and Caleb. I am ready for it, or as ready as I will ever be. It hit me today that next week will probably be harder than the week of anniversaries. I welcome it, it's a better time for me to be home and be a lump on the couch, anyway.

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Monday, May 16, 2011

Busy-ing the Time Away

I can't believe in two weeks will be the anniversary of losing Lucas. That's it, only two weeks from now. Time has really gone by quickly, and this month is no exception. I know that keeping busy helps keep me going. It's the "technique" I've used from day one of this journey. I'm doing something or planning something all the time. Like today, I had lunch with my close friend, Betty, who is due to deliver her rainbow any day. And tonight the Harts are coming over for dinner. It's funny how it really isn't out of character for me to double or even triple book our days.

I really don't know what the next two weeks will bring, or tomorrow for that matter. But I know that with the amazing people who surround me and the grace of God, that I am going to get through it. Also, I find it interesting, and a little frustrating, that the three days that I had planned on being low key have been scheduled. May 31st is a PTA board meeting that I really need to be at, June 1st Colton has his last T-Ball practice before his first game, and June 2nd is our monthly M.E.N.D. meeting.(What better place to cry and be surrounded by others who have been here?)

Saturday was cloudy and wet and cold. It was 45 degrees outside and Colton had his first t-ball practice. He's been looking forward to this for weeks and we were so ready to get him started! Well, about 5 minutes after the start of practice, Colton decided maybe it wasn't for him and came up to Willy and I crying. I am relieved to say that after watching for 10 minutes or so, he decided to join the team! Whew.

Apparently the only way to catch a ball is to fall and roll on the ground.

So determined and ready to catch the ball. I truly love this picture.

Doing a great job hitting the ball.

Running across the field to fall, roll around, and still not make it to the ball. hehe

Waiting for the ball to be hit so they can run it to First Base.

We then headed to McD's for a snack and to waste some time before Riley's birthday party. Normally I wouldn't mention this, but as we were sitting there I noticed a mom with four girls. One about 5, one about 3, and twin newborns. My mind raced to the what-ifs, and this should have been me. It stung a little, but I pushed the tears back and enjoyed watching Colton and Ethan acting like monkeys on the play area.

Riley's school party was at Chuck E Cheese. Right away, Riley grabbed Willy's hand and kidnapped him for the afternoon.

I was left to take pictures. Here is my Ethan. I like his serious look.

The birthday girl blowing out the candles on her cake.

Check out the fashionable button cover. I love this man so much!

Colton and Riley playing games together.

All in all it was a decent day. Especially for a cloudy day that could have gone either way. And it's been a good start to my week. Here's to hoping for more greatness.

A quick congrats to Kim and her baby boy, Javan, that was born this morning at 2:09am. Baby 1 of 4 that should be here this week.

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