11 Months

Dear Lucas and Caleb,

11 months, how can it be? I feel so far away from you, yet I feel you so very close. Today is the hardest month-anniversary since 6 months. I hurt from grief and crying this morning. Colton asked me as soon as I woke up if we could look at pictures of the two of you. Your brother amazes me, really. We looked at your small album for the first time in awhile. As I was turning the pages I could smell you, it was like we were back in the hospital and the two of you were in my arms again.

This month has been alright, I think. I really can't remember much of it. I know it was a busy month and seemed to go by fast until this past week. We had our 3rd annual Easter egg hunt the second weekend, Colton's birthday party the third weekend, and Easter last weekend. We were busy and I am grateful for that.

May feels dark, and it doesn't help that rain and clouds have been hanging around quite a bit lately. I have no expectation for the next couple of weeks. I am sure there will be highs and lows. I have several different things I want to do for the two of you this month. I am looking forward to celebrating your birthday, in that kind of way. I want to concentrate on celebrating your beautiful lives. I think it's the only way I'll get through this intact.

I just can't believe it's almost here. That you've been here and gone for almost a year. My mind is starting the replay game again. It hasn't gone there in quite some time. And it hurts, as always.

We love you babies so very much. And we miss you every day. Life just isn't what it was supposed to be, but we're doing our best.