Seven Years

Happy Seventh Birthday, my dear sweet boys!  Oh how I wish we were celebrating this morning with balloons down the hall, the birthday banner we always hang, and two special birthday cakes just for you.  Instead we'll make cupcakes as a family and we're going to buy two little seven  year old boys in foster care special gifts.  I love the idea, I love that because of the two of you that two little boys who need some extra love are going to feel it. But it doesn't take away the pain of your not being here. Love you sweet boys! 

This is the first year I have cried on Lucas and Caleb's birthday.  Honestly, it has always been a day where we smiled, celebrated their short lives, and enjoyed time together.  I am sure we'll make it to that this afternoon.  But this year has been incredibly hard.  The grief has been intense, the bouts of crying ugly.  I have had so many flashbacks, and I have once again found myself dealing with guilt.

I know it is probably a combination of things that is making it so hard, or maybe it really isn't. Maybe it has something to do with the ages of Simon and Benjamin this year.  I missed out on so much during this season with Colton and Ethan. Maybe it is just how grief is.  It is ugly, it is frustrating, and it is it's own beast. I have been surprised this year by how much pain I have felt leading up to this day.  This is the most I have cried and grieved since their first birthday.  

I am grateful for the love and support those in my life show me this time of year.  That even seven years later, when I am in the church bathroom crying, they are still loving and encouraging.  They are praying with me and for me.  They give me the, "This sucks, I love you." glance.  I hope that all moms who are missing their babies are surrounded by the same.  Because I know I couldn't walk this alone.  I have learned that I don't have this, that grief can still pack a punch, and keep on punching.

A while back I made this blog private since I wasn't writing anymore.  Life became busy, I wasn't really needing or using this space as I once did.  But I'm going to open it back up for awhile.  Maybe I'll write some more here, or maybe there is someone out there who is searching for a similar story to hers. 

Dreaming and Waking and Thinking and Crying

I had the scariest dream this morning.  It was so incredibly real, I woke up cold all over and in tears. 

~~ We were swimming at a pool and Simon was running from me.  I took off to catch him from the other direction and he didn't meet me.  He didn't meet me.  My heart started to race. I started to scream.  I was looking down at the water, not up.  I knew he fell in.  I saw him from across the pool at the bottom and I dove in screaming.  By the time I got to him,  a lifeguard was pulling him out.  But he wasn't doing CPR.  He was staring at him, shaking his cheeks.  Every few seconds Simon would almost draw a breath, then his head would fall to the side.  His eyes seemed to be screaming for help.  I was screaming at the lifeguard.~~

I woke up.

And cried.  

It took me some time to calm down and warm up enough to wake Willy for some support. I heard Simon talk in his sleep.  I went up to kiss him and came back to bed. I felt angry at this lifeguard, not understanding why he wasn't doing more to save my little boy.  Then I began to think of all the things we need to do to protect him.  He's full on two now.  He knows what he wants and is incredibly stubborn and determined to figure out a way to get it.  I can't keep him off the top bunk of the big boys' beds, doorknobs are no longer a deterrent for him.  And there's the pools and parks this spring and summer.  

Then I began to really think about the worst of it.  I don't want to, but I can imagine the pain of him not being here.  I can go there too quickly, and this time of year, it doesn't take a whole lot.  Losing Lucas and Caleb, my mind takes off to that awful place on its own. And then the floodgates open.  Thoughts, memories, tears, all take on a life of their own.  I have to hold on tight at the moment to the sound of Benjamin's monitor ticking, and the knowledge that Simon is in his bed, I just kissed his head, and he is safe right now.  And the sound of Colton and Ethan "walking" down the stairs.  

I've been spending more time in prayer lately.  This time of year usually brings me closer to God.  This morning was no different.  I feel His comfort and strength as I move through the day. I was able to get out of bed and go about normal snow day business.  And the boys have been able to move through their day without picking up on my pain.  The big boys know this time of year.  That's another post for another day.  How much I hate that they have to walk this also.

Five Years Part 1

Five years ago yesterday we found out we were having twins.  They were pretty sure they were identical, but they were growing well.  Our life was headed for a HUGE change.  I remember Willy and I asking the technician if she was joking.  We were shocked.  And I was really excited.  Everyone was. I still remember many details from that day. Riding home from the doctor, thinking how I was going to be a mom of twins.  I always wanted twins, not sure why, but I did.  I remember telling Dru at work and how excited she was.  IT was a huge birthday surprise! She told the entire dining center in one loud announcement.  There were phone calls and emails.  This was really going to happen.

Here's the first blog post when we announced here and began the journey.
http://earlstwins.blogspot.com/2010_02_01_archive.html
I was so excited to share with the world our experiences being pregnant and raising twins, along with two other boys.

And here I am five years later.  I still feel a sting when I wake up on February 18th.  I woke up in a bad mood yesterday, but couldn't place it until the afternoon. I know the next three and a half months are going to have some hard moments, days when the tears just flow.  I know by now to embrace those days for what they are. They are now moments when I can just stop and concentrate on the two little boys who aren't running around, adding to our wonderful chaos.

I miss them dearly.  I hate that there are days when I am just so busy with our four living sons, that they don't cross my mind except for a fleeting thought.  Their picture is by the bed, I say goodnight every night.  I packed most of their shelf away when we listed the house on the market.  I am so looking forward to putting it back up one day when we move.

Five years ago, it hadn't crossed my mind yet that this was the journey laid out for us.  There has been incredible heart-wrenching pain, but there has been indescribable joy also.  There were days when I didn't believe I would ever be happy again, and now most days I am blown away by happiness I feel.

The healing that has been brought is amazing.  I love that there are friends and family that continue to love, mention, remember, and embrace Lucas and Caleb.  There will always be a hole where they belong, but being surrounded by such amazing people softens the edges that were once very jagged.

The One With All the Pictures

I've been putting off writing for a few weeks now.  There are so many things I want to share, so many pictures.  But catching up with different posts seems overwhelming with everything I am trying to catch up with here at the house.  I have some time right now. Benjamin is napping, the other three boys are playing upstairs, and dinner is in the crockpot.  So here is a ton of pictures I've wanted to share for some time now, and a few words here and there about them.

Also, Christmas was crazy with the family, minus short stack, catching the flu.  We all had varying degrees of it, but Ethan and Simon were hit incredibly hard.  It put our usual holiday festivities on hold for a while, but we were able to squeeze in the important stuff the week of Christmas.

About 35 weeks pregnant

We take fun fall pictures every year in front of Willy's parent's house.  She always does a great job with the pictures and it's so much fun to play in the leaves with the boys.

Colton loves gymnastics!  And is begging to go back soon.

Ethan has played to sessions of soccer, and is beginning club soccer this weekend.  He forgot his socks in this picture.  Better than the weekend before when he had two right shoes.

Oh my, this smile

A minute later, Benjamin started crying and Ethan then started to cry saying Benjamin hated him.

Super proud of how this cake looked!

Ethan turning SEVEN

Colton and I had a shopping day right before Christmas.  It was a ton of fun hanging out with him.

I was nervous handing lil one over, but Santa was certain.

Simon bounced between wanting to cry and being in awe.

My four boys in front of the tree. Christmas was a little tougher this year than last. It was Christmas number five without Lucas and Caleb.  Being busy and up with Benjamin helped some.  There will always be a hole there where they should be, though the edges aren't nearly as sharp as that first year.  

Benjamin meeting Grandma Jojo

And proud Aunt Shari

My crazy boy with his hat and animals.  This is the picture most days during lunch.

I took the four boys to Jump Mania on New Years Eve to get out of the house and run off some energy.  It was a fun, smooth trip.

Game night with the big boys.

Dairy free and soy free cake frosting!  

Hot cocoa and cookies after school.  The boys were excited!!

Thanks for checking in over here.  Until next time....

34 Weeks and Catching Up

 

We've reached 34 weeks today!  Super crazy to think we are so close to meeting our newest lil boy.  Benjamin is by far the most active baby I've carried.  He moves for long periods of time, several times throughout the day and night. Yes, throughout the night.  I often lay awake, enjoying his acrobats for an hour so during the night.

 

I'm feeling pretty good most days.  It's usually not until the evening that the heartburn and soreness kicks in.  I'm tired much of the time. And with everything we have going on around here, my mind is mostly mush.  I really still enjoy being pregnant, but they are right when they say that each subsequent pregnancy is harder on your body, not mention it gets tougher as you get older.

 

We are making progress on Benjamin's room.  His name panels are almost finished.  We've put some stuff on the walls.  I haven't washed his clothes yet, but they are hanging in his closet.  I really need to sit down and make a few lists of things to pack for him and I.  I keep thinking about sitting down to do it, but then I get distracted. Hmmm...

 

Oh, and we took a trip to Labor and Delivery three weeks ago.  As I mentioned Benjamin likes to move a bunch.  Well, when he gets to moving for a couple hours at a time, I start to contract.  They are still Braxton Hicks contractions, but they get to be 3 minutes apart for several hours.  After a couple days of this off and on, we decided it was best to have all checked out.  Four hours in L&D, and it was decided he was going nowhere anytime soon. It doesn't happen as often now, but still every couple of days he gets a little crazy in there.

 



Here is a 34 week belly picture.  He's growing well in there, and is head down!



 

 

I say we've been busy.  We really have.  We are currently attempting the process of selling our house to an investor, who happens to own the house we want to buy.  There's a great lack of communication right now, so we're really just sitting around waiting for him to answer his phone.  But that is the plan.  And the hope is that we can move before Benjamin arrives. 

 

And Simon has decided he's ready to potty train.  I've never hidden the fact that I detest potty training, because I seriously do.  He seems to be really getting the hang of it, though.  This is not the time I would have chosen, but he was really having issues with dirty and wet diapers. 

 

Here are a bunch of fun pictures taken over the last month or so.  I thought this would be a quick way to catch up.

We hit up the corn maze yesterday.  This was Simon's first trip.  And it started with a two year old meltdown when he decided to run and hide in the corn.  After ten minutes or so of being taken out of the maze, we were able to enjoy it together.

Saturday evening we decided to head to a local park here to let the boys do some hiking.  Last time we were there, they wanted to, but Willy wasn't with us so they had to wait.

After hiking they had a bat flight viewing at the cave below these rocks.  This was so much fun.  The boys really had a great time watching all the bats. 

Piper is doing well here.  She's getting bigger, and still prefers me.  Most days I am very much in love with her.  Then there are days like today when she just has a hard time staying out of trouble.  But who couldn't love a cat this adorable?

Last week Ethan had a Clifford party at school. It was so much fun to spend an hour with just him in his classroom.

Aunt Jamie and Simon both celebrated birthdays the last week of September.  We decided to have a combined dinner for them. 

Daddy figured out how to put toys in balloons.

Ethan has been looking forward to this train show since May.  He has kept the flier in his room and has been watching the calendar.  The boy is seriously passionate about trains.  And I embrace it.  Reminds me of my grandpa.

We also had Benjamin's bear made. This bear has SEVEN hearts in it.  I love this tradition with our boys.  Each one has their special bear that everyone in the family at the time has put hearts in.  We've put hearts in for Lucas and Caleb in Simon's and Benjamin's.

 

 

Here is his finished bear.  I am so excited about the superhero theme!

 

 

Simon had a morning at the zoo with Willy and I for his birthday.  The boy is passionate about animals, and an hour at the zoo (there's not much there to spend more time), is his favorite outing.

Here's Simon finishing his birthday "doughnut."  Really it was a allergy free sugar cookie with allergy free icing.  He loved it!

 

I can't believe he is already two.  The time has gone by so fast, and we enjoy him so very much.  He adds an abundance of life and laughter to our family.  And I couldn't imagine not having him here.

He was worn out this day.  I embrace these moments, because they are so rare.

The three boys have enjoyed the cooler weather.  I think Ethan and Colton have finally "accepted" him as part of the tribe.  They play with him more, and let him join in on their fun more readily.  I love watching the three of them together.  And when they kiss and hug Simon good night, it just melts my heart.

 

Well, that kind of wraps up what we've been doing.  Time is ticking and Benjamin will be here soon.   I'm really enjoying this time with the boys before chaos returns, hopefully for not quite as long as when Simon was born.