Wednesday, September 26, 2012

To my baby boys above

Lucas and Caleb,

Today your baby brother, Simon, will be born.  Thank you so much for watching over him.  He shares your middle names, and I know a part of each of you will be in him. 

I love you so much boys!


Tuesday, September 25, 2012

40 WEEKS!!!!

 35 weeks and 5 days ago this picture was taken!  I don't think I have ever been so excited to see a line in my life. 19 and a half months after losing Lucas and Caleb we learned Cinco was on his way.  The excitement was short lived.  Four days later I began spotting.
At 6 weeks 1 day, I went in for an ultrasound and they saw nothing but an empty sac.  My heart was crushed.  Not only that, but the sac was measuring a week behind.  My doctor tried her best to reassure me that all could still be okay.  I began grieving.

At 7 weeks, 2 days we went in for another ultrasound, fully expecting to still not see anything.  There are absolutely no words to describe the emotions that flowed when we saw Cinco's heart blink.  He was growing, thriving, and we were still pregnant.

It's been a long, long 35+ weeks.  I am surprised to make it to 40 weeks.   There have been many days when I am hanging by a thread.  The prayers that have surrounded this baby boy are just amazing!  And I am grateful for every single one of them.  This leg of the journey has had it's ups and downs, with challenges I expected, and some that truly caught me off guard.

40 week Stats:

Baby size: Between 7-9 lbs.....hopefully

Weight Gain: 33 lbs ( I lost a little more)

How I feel: Pretty good physically considering I am sooooo very pregnant.   Nighttime is hard, there is little sleep involved.

Cravings: Sweet foods, along with greasy stuff.  What a combo.

Best Part of Last Week: Playing tag with my family at the park through the crazy tall grass garden at Nathaniel Greene

Looking forward to: Holding my baby boy tomorrow.

Simon is active today!  I am so grateful as he lets me know he is doing well and ready to enter this world.  I have prayed and prayed for labor to come on it's own.  But I have also prayed that if it's not safe for me to have a VBAC, that we would know, without a doubt.  I trust that no matter how Simon comes, that it is best for him and I. 

There are so many other things I want to write about, but for some reason, I am drawing a blank.  I go back and forth with the realization he is going to be here tomorrow, and the disbelief that plagues a momma who has lost a baby(ies).  It's a tough roller coaster to ride.  But every second will be worth it when I am holding Simon in my arms tomorrow.

Here are this weeks pictures.  I am ready for the beyond part of monkeys to dragonflies.

40 weeks
A bare belly shot. 

One half of his room.

The other half.

Thank you everyone for your thoughts, prayers, and support through this pregnancy.  We are so blessed to be surrounded by so much love.

PS I have a list of blog posts that need to be caught up on from the past month.  I promise to get to them soon.

Thursday, September 13, 2012

Weeks 37 and 38

38 weeks and 2 days pregnant!  I can't believe we're right here at the end.  And time is still going by pretty quickly.
Baby Size: 19 inches 7 lbs or so
Weight Gain: 34 lbs
Symptoms: Everything that happens at the end.  Hungry, heartburn, reflex, insomnia, exhaustion, restlessness, aches, moody....most of all so excited to be here, at 38 weeks, with a healthy baby boy still growing.
How I feel: Ready to hold my baby boy in my arms
Cravings: Anything sweet.
Best Part of last week: Having a trial run to L&D.  Even though they sent me home, it gave me an idea of the emotions that will come with it.
Looking forward to: Impending labor????
Well, we are here at the end.  I am still very much pregnant and feel like a ticking time bomb.  I am grounded to Springfield.  Yesterday and today I have started having contractions around noon.  Yesterday they became pretty regular, then once again fizzled out after 8 hours or so.  They were never regular enough to head to L&D though.  Today they are still building, though they are already feeling a little more intense.  But I won't get my hopes up.  I know it's probably still going to be next week before Simon makes his grand entrance.
I find it hard to make the time to sit and write the past couple of weeks.  My attention span is pretty short unless I'm curled up on the couch with a book, or cleaning around the house.  Everything is pretty much ready, I just feel that need to be doing something. I still have a few meals left to prepare and freeze.  And then just the daily straightening up of stuff around the house.
The boys are getting antsy.  I can tell the excitement they feel.  There's a bit more bickering between them, and they also don't seem to be able to sit still much.  Everyone really seems to be anticipating Mr. Simon.  And as much as I am ready for him to be here, and as uncomfortable as I am....I still enjoy these last days.  
37 weeks

38 weeks
 First Sunday at church is name tag Sunday.  They thought Simon is ready for his, also.

The sign Dru found at Michael's.  I added the owl stickers.  How perfect...a star for Lucas and Caleb, and an owl for Colton, Ethan, and Simon.  
I finally found the perfect fabric for his closet curtains.  Thank you, Dru, for putting them together for me.

Rachel received two of these hats from her aunt.  She was kind enough to give one to Simon.  Thank you ever so much!!
Simon's name on his wall! 
I  think he has enough clothes now.
And here is the onesie I've been waiting for a month to arrive.  When I saw it on Dana' blog, I knew we just had to have one for Simon.  I cannot put into words the emotions I feel every time I look at this and picture my baby boy wearing it. 

Well, next week I'll either be posting a 39 week picture of Simon's newborn pictures.  Any guesses which it will be??

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Sunday, September 9, 2012

First Trip to L&D

On Friday, September 7th, we made our first trip to Labor and Delivery.
I was with Dru and we were on our way to a Scentsy party in Lebanon. (about 45 miles away from home).  A storm was rolling in as we were leaving and we figured we would just stay ahead of it.  As we were approaching Conway (30 miles or so) we heard on the radio about a tornado warning in the area we were in.  To the north of us we could see the wall cloud.  It was approaching the highway quickly just in front of us. 
I could see a slight rotation in the cloud itself, but nothing quite yet.  I said a prayer for safety and we drove with the idea of getting off at the Conway exit to safety.  About 1 mile from the exit, the funnel cloud started to form.  There are very few moments when I have been that terrified.  It was honestly less than 100 yards away.  It was very possible it would meet us on the highway. I prayed and prayed for it to stop.  All I could think about was being almost 38 weeks pregnant, on the highway, with a tornado trying to form.  After a few seconds (though it seemed much longer) it began to disappear.  And I started to contract.
Not the one we saw, but close.  Only it didn't make it that far towards the ground
We pulled off in Conway and stopped at a gas station.  There were 3 paramedics inside waiting out the storm also.  I sat down and tried my best to relax.  Every once in awhile one of the paramedics would look my way and maybe ask if I was doing okay.  I was trying really hard to keep calm.  But the contractions kept up.  I kept telling Simon that this wasn't the time to make his grand entrance into this world, but it would also be true to his nature. 
After 25 minutes or so of complete denial, I realized they were 2-3 minutes apart and getting stronger.  I told Dru I really thought it was time to head back to Springfield and to the hospital.  We checked the radar and off we went.  The contractions kept up the entire time.  I wasn't in agonizing pain, it was really more pressure than pain. 
I tried to call Willy to let him know the plans.  Mike was picking up my van from their house and was going to take it to Willy so he could meet us at the hospital.  Well, our phone was out due to the same storm.  Luckily I was able to reach Kristan, who woke up her son, packed up her boys and headed to my house so I could let Willy know what was going on.
I got to Labor and Delivery about 6:30pm.  When they hooked me up I was contracting 2-3 minutes apart.  When she checked me, I was dilated to a 1 (I was fully closed and thick on Wed) and she could feel his head "right there".  We decided I'd walk for an hour and see what kind of progress was made.  It was almost 9:00 when she checked me again.  No more progress had been made, but I was contracting every minute and a half, and they were becoming painful.  We decided to hang out another hour while I rested and see if any changes could happen.  At 10:00 I was checked again, and there was still no progress.  The Dr thought it best to go home for a few hours to labor.  She was sure I'd be back around 3:00am with my water broke and dilated to a 4-5. 
Once home, the contractions continued.  About midnight I hopped in the shower to relax a little.  Around 1:00am or so the contractions began to slow down, and they were gone enough for me to sleep by 2:30am.  Bummer!
***How was being back at Labor and Delivery?***
The nurse and on call doctor (Dr. D) were both incredibly compassionate.  I really hadn't thought about having to go into detail about Lucas and Caleb.  She was so sympathetic as I gave her necessary details.  We also had to discuss the details of the VBAC and the differences there. 
Walking the halls was different.  Lucas and Caleb's pregnancy was the only pregnancy when I didn't have to walk the halls.  But with each lap, I had to pass the rooms they passed away in.  They were empty, so there were no sounds coming from them, but I still found the rooms themselves daunting.  My boys spent their last living moments in those rooms. 
The true realization of Simon really being on his way came to me during these moments also.  Those who have had their rainbow babies understand, I know.  I know Simon will be here any day.  But really knowing it, really being able to wrap my mind around it is different.  There was excitement, anxiety, and a little fear in there.  And I do have anxiety about the VBAC.  So many thoughts raced through my head as I took each step through those hallways.  It still seemed surreal at moments.  Then they sent me home where it all stopped.
I realized today I will most likely have to go through all the details surrounding Lucas and Caleb's birth  again when I go back in.  I find it frustrating.  A part of me is already reliving those moments as I walk through those doors.  And as I explain to the admitting nurse their story, it all just floods back to me.  Grief for them battles with the excitement for Simon.  And I haven't been admitted  yet.  How is it going to be when I am in a Labor and Delivery room, truly laboring my way towards delivery.  How I am going to handle it if we have to have a c-section?  I can already imagine the flashbacks I will have as they wheel me down the hall towards the O.R. 
I am working on finding peace with Simon's upcoming delivery.  I have peace with having a c-section if that is what is needed.  It's the emotional part that has me flustered.  And I fear that my anxiety and grief for my baby boys might overshadow the amazingness of the miracle of Simon's birth.  I've been praying for needed peace.  I have my favorite worship songs on my iPod.  What other ideas do some of you have who have been down this road?

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