I have mixed feelings about the year ending. Although it could easily go down as the worst year for my family and I, it can also be said that when you take out the heart-break, the tears, the crushing blows, the good parts of the year were better than other years. There are many times I would say I could have been okay without this year in my life. But then I wouldn't have been blessed with knowing Lucas and Caleb. And putting the pain aside, I think I would rather known them for a short time and lost them, than not known them at all.
I have thought of several ways to present this post. I thought of using pictures, of rambling around here and there. I think I am just going to give the defining event of each month.
January-BFP...big fat positive when least expected due to unpredictable cycles
February-Identical twins! I had never known it was possible to see so many around me so excited!
March-My grandpa passed away. This was so hard, we were so close, and I miss him everyday.
May-We took Colton and Ethan on a weekend vacation to Branson complete with an indoor waterpark.....my water broke a few weeks later, May 29th. We lose Lucas May 31st.
June-June 1st, Lucas and Caleb are pulled into this world via c-section. June 2nd, Caleb joins his brother in Heaven. June 3rd, I go home with empty arms. June 7th, over 100 friends and family join us to honor our precious little babies.
July-I meet Rhonda who is 9 weeks ahead of me in the TTTS journey. If it weren't for her, I would still be lost. I love you, girl!
August-36 week mark and my birthday. We took off camping that weekend and really had a great time. The boys visited me through a dragonfly who rested on my toe.
September-Due date and the first mom who was pregnant with me had her healthy baby boy. And I was able to hold him, and send my boys some love.
October-The first month I truly was able to enjoy and embrace. A wonderful calm came over me and I smiled and enjoyed many memorable moments. Although there was a scare that we might lose grandma to colon cancer. Happy to say she is doing well.
November-The last half of the month was tough. The anticipation of 6 months was excruciating. But it snowed the first snow, and that was peaceful. And my little Ethan turned 3
December-6 months without my Lucas and Caleb. Christmas without Lucas and Caleb. Holiday gatherings without Lucas and Caleb. But I was able to embrace so much with Colton and Ethan and I am eternally grateful for the two healthy boys I have right here with me on Earth.
It's been a tough year full of happy tears and crazy sad tears. But there has also been laughter, love, and an improved relationship with God. And that was my resolution for 2010. To embrace the moments and become closer to God. And I am sure nothing rocks your faith more than losing a child. I feel that despite all the obstacles, I reached my resolutions for 2010...and I find that is something to be proud of.
I am not setting a resolution for 2011. I am just going to eat a bunch of black-eyed peas, and hope and pray for a better, happier year. Maybe one that sees a rainbow in our lives. That would be good.