Thursday, July 28, 2011


For those who know me, you all know how much of a homebody I am not.  I am on the go often.  Colton and Ethan have grown up being able to go with me.  I enjoy keeping busy and being around other people.  This summer has been our busiest yet. I am sure a lot of it is an attempt to forget what last summer was like, and avoid any likeness. 

Well, with Colton's knee having four stitches, we can't go swimming.  And since we are in week 3 of near and over 100 degree, dry, humid weather, that is pretty much the only thing we can do outside.  The only time we have left the house since Sunday is for my yoga class on Tuesday, and I went to Wal-Mart alone for half an hour last night.  Granted I have accomplished TONS around the house this week.  For that I, and I am sure Willy, am grateful.  It's starting to wear on me though.  I feel run down and tired today, when I haven't had a busy week.  I feel grief trying to creep in.  Idle minds, right? 

My cycle is still screwy after being off birth control for 4 months now.  I don't like it, I hate the roller coaster the uncertainty brings.  Don't get me wrong, I am better off the hormones, than on.  I just thought my body would have evened out by now. 

I guess I'll probably get some deep cleaning done today.  Some of that spring cleaning I never got around to.  We need to head across town later to register Colton for football.  That'll get us out for an hour or so.  Maybe we'll stop by McD's for a cone or something.  And have I mentioned that Colton starts kindergarten in FOUR weeks from today.  Days like today, it makes me sad.  I'm really going to miss him.  He is growing up so fast.

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Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Today's Workout

I finally did it!  I made it to the Selah Yoga class at the Y.  This is an hour class with the lights off, contemporary Christian music, and yoga instruction.  It DID kick my butt, and legs, and arms.  But I feel amazing!  I wish I would have started going months ago.  There were only two of us along with the instructor today.  That was nice so that I could get some pointers on my poses.  The time went by really quickly, and I managed to not check out at any point during the class.

I am definitely going to pick this class up twice a week.  I need to be doing something to continue to get into shape.  Losing a few more pounds would also be nice, but I really want to tone up some.  Maybe I'll even throw in a swim afterwards here and there. 

On the other life stuff, we are doing pretty well.  I am having a hard time still with the mom who is carrying twin boys at my bible study on Monday mornings.  I thought I could just go in, and not say much (or anything) to her and be okay.  But I probably come off as rude, and she still wants to talk to me in her friendly way.  I believe that she has NO idea about Lucas and Caleb, although I shared about them at the previous meeting.  But yesterday when she asked what it was like having boys, I had a hard time finding any words.  And since she doesn't seem to know, I really would like to keep it that way.  No need to make her feel weird or anything.  I might just finish the study and scrapbook at home.  Who know, I have a week to ponder on it.

I hate that I still have a hard time with twin pregnancies.  Even though at this point it is only if they are having boys.  I thought I would be able to be happy for them by now, but I can't.  I find this really frustrating and hope that it does get easier at some point.

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Friday, July 15, 2011

Random Fun Pictures

Seriously, ya'll, it's been a great summer.  There have been a few rough days, but in general, we are having a blast!  Here are some random pictures to give everyone an idea so far...

We went to OH in June to visit my grandma. 
 This is the new game my boys came up with.  They were trying to get their darts stuck in the tree...
 Then would use a really long pole to get them out.
 We went to the Columbus zoo with Sofi and Martiza...
 and caught lightening bugs just like I did when I was a girl at Grandma June's house.
 A picture of four generations...
 and Grandpa Tim chasing the boys with the hose.

Then there are just the random fun days we have!
 There is absolutely nothing better than having friends to grow up with.  These boys are brothers at heart.  I love the sound of the four of them laughing together.  My hope is that they ALWAYS have each other.
 The race to the slip-n-slide.  Only they all took off on their own "GO!"

 Ethan needing a randm nap.  The boy just stops and drops when he gets tired.

 Colton playing catcher.  This is his favorite position!!

 Roasting MASSIVE marshmallows with Grandma and Grandpa.

 Playing at a random park in Indiana.  There is a great story to finding this park.

 The boys swimming at the lake.

 Jung hanging around.

 A quick visit on Colton's towel.

 Chilling on the boat.

 Willy entertaining Ethan during t-ball practice.

 Ahhh, our crazy sprinkler.

 Having a pajama morning with my boys. 

And climbing trees.

I can't believe this summer is half over.  But we have stuffed so much into it, that it has seemed long at times.  I have to say that this summer beats the last. 
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Tuesday, July 12, 2011 from Lucas and Caleb's 1st Heavenly Birthday

YAY!!!  I finally am getting the pictures up from Lucas and Caleb's birthday.  There are alot of them, so hang in there, it's a long post.  Their day really was amazing and wonderful.  I am grateful that we decided to celebrate them throughout the day.  

 This is their candle we lit at 8:30, when we learned we had lost our Lucas.

 The lilies from the front yard.  They bloomed the day Lucas passed last year.  This year they bloomed the morning of their birthday.

Getting ready to place their flowers in the lake.  I really liked the idea of doing this.  The time was peaceful.  It gave me some time to reflect and really connect with Lucas and Caleb.  (Thank you, Kristan, for taking the pictures and being who you are and knowing how to be with me for this.)

 Releasing the flowers into the lake...and trying to not fall in.

My boys' flowers floating together.

I came home to these gorgeous flowers on the front porch from Mike and Dru.  I loved them, and they were addressed to Willy, Colton, Ethan, and I.  I know it's hard to know the right thing to do on a day like this day, but they did well, very well.

The two white roses from M.E.N.D.  Two white roses for my baby boys.  I don't know if you remember, but roses are their birth flower and white means Heavenly.  The thought that so many put into remembering our two sons makes me smile often.

We decided to donate two memory boxes in honor of Lucas and Caleb.   We will do this every year for their birthday.  We have memory boxes for them, and I really don't know what I would do without them on those really hard days.

These are the journals I picked out for them.  I wrote a very personal letter in them and added a resource page.

These blankets are from Miscarriage Blankets and More.  Tiffanie does beautiful work and had these to me within 10 days of me ordering them.  They are made for babies born between 24 and 28 weeks.  I encourage anyone looking to do memory boxes to check her site out.

This is how small the hat is.  I cried, hard, when I first opened up the box.  I put the blanket in my arms, with the hat at the top and could picture holding my babies the way I had almost a year ago then. 
The candles and holders I found for the boxes.  The design is done in velvet.

These are the boxes that hold the casting kit.  How perfect are they?  They are for the baby's footprints to be done.

And the beautiful picture frames I found.  It wasn't until Danielle gave me the picture frame that said Brothers that I felt it was okay to have pictures of Lucas and Caleb out.  I wanted to share the permission with another mom.

The boxes put together.

I bought these boxes at Michaels and they were just absolutely perfect for this. 

We planted a small garden for Lucas and Caleb this year, in hopes that we can transplant next year in our new house.  The red lilies at either end are called "Tiny Ghosts."  They will also bloom around their birthday every year.  The purple flower is a butterfly bush.

When I met with the NICU nurse for lunch, she gave me these.  She said they remind her of when she sat on my bed at the hospital, ate M&M's, and cried with me.  She also told me that Caleb was a beautiful baby.  Those words hadn't been spoken to me before and it really held my heart. 

Colton and Ethan helping me make Lucas and Caleb's cupcakes.

Can't forget Colton's t-ball practice.  It was a nice way to tie in our lives with their day.

Their cupcakes and the design layout for their stepping stone.  6 cupcakes for the six of us.

Colton and Ethan blowing out Lucas and Caleb candles. 

Here is a picture of the mantle from their birthday.  The wonderful cards and gifts with their candle in the middle.  This was very special to me.  We put our birthday cards on the mantle for our birthdays.  To be able to do this for Lucas and Caleb's birthday was healing.
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Thursday, July 7, 2011

Bleh bleh

Grief and I have gone a few rounds yesterday and already this morning.  I'm not sure entirely what's up, though I have a few ideas.  Besides the regular "grief just pops up here and there when it's been too long since we've hammered it out".  I think I might disappear for a few days.  I'll still be close to the surface, probably scan facebook in the mornings (or more, you just never know).  I just think I need to take a break from a few things. 

It's kind of different this time around.  I don't just feel sad, I feel frustrated and in a rut.  And I am missing Caleb and Lucas in a way I haven't in quite awhile.  Kisses from Colton and Ethan bring thoughts of the kisses I don't get from two of my sons.  My mind really hasn't gone there in probably a year.  I am sure this is the change grief takes after the first year.  I am sure some of the frustration is that it's still showing up when I was feeling so great.  And it's been kind of a roller coaster.  I've gone from tears, to okay, to laughing, back to tears in a matter of an hour.  I feel pretty crazy, and I am sure to those who haven't been here, I sound crazy.

I hope everyone else is doing pretty well.  There's another large group of friends who are in their third trimester now (or soon) and I hope all of you are feeling good, not too tired. 

If you want, go ahead and check out yesterday's what-if post.  I think it's going to be something fun here.  Also, when I return, I will have up the pictures from Lucas and Caleb's first birthday.  They are FINALLY on my computer and I am excited to share them.

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