Saturday, July 2, 2011
Check-up and Fireworks
The visit was good. I know, weird, right? I mean, I definitely feel that there should be in big, bold, bright letters on the top of any BLM's chart that we lost a baby(ies). Even though my nurse and doctor are always the same, there are still new ones hanging around, who have NO idea! I was disappointed when W, my nurse, didn't call my name back. The nurse introduced herself ( I didn't catch her name) and said she was shadowing W and Dr. L. for the time. Then she promptly asks how many kids I have, how my c-section was, and so on. Seriously??? Because I am pretty sure it says somewhere on my chart, not too far from the top, my entire ob history. And these questions made it hard to swallow back the anxiety I was already feeling. I didn't want W or Dr. L to walk in, see tears in my eyes and think that I was still having an incredibly hard time. I am not, I am doing great, and I wanted them to see that part of me.
W came in a few minutes later and she gave me a hug, we talked about her kids and mine. She said I looked wonderful and gave me a big hug. It was a fun reunion. She then said she was really excited to see my name on the schedule this morning. Before leaving, she asked if I was going to have more babies, "because I want you to have more babies." haha. We talked about that some and she grinned. Dr. L then came in and also shared her excitement about seeing my name on the schedule for today. We talked some more and she also told me I looked great.
When I was ready to leave, both W and Dr. L gave me big hugs and surrounded me with such love. I had a total ego boost while I was there and left knowing how amazing these two women are. It makes it easier to be back there when you have a nurse and doctor like the two of them. I was also reminded how grateful I am to have been downstairs, in labor and delivery when all the bad news was given. I was able to walk past the U/S rooms without sharps pangs to my heart, and I didn't have to worry about which room they put me in. That all can wait until later, and I am sure Rooms 12 and 15 in L&D will already be being used when it's my turn.
At 9:20, we loaded up the boys. The Gipsons decided to join us. They live 1 mile from the display grounds, so we were there pretty quick, parked, and in a FABULOUS spot just as the National Anthem was ending. We had a spot, on a little hill, between a few trees. There was no one withing 50 feet of us. It was our two families, watching the beautiful fireworks, in a cool breeze, in a world of our own. Colton and Ethan were on a blanket in front of us, while Willy and I sat in chairs. His hand was on my knee, and I felt on good. Colton turns around, about half-way through and says, "I bet Lucas and Caleb are really loving these fireworks."
Willy replies with, "I am sure they are, they have the best seat in the house."
I cannot explain how my heart just exploded with love at that very moment. It felt like Lucas and Caleb were right there with us for just a few moments. I mean right there. And it made me feel so good to be sitting there, to hear that short conversation. Although I will always, always miss my babies, and there will forever be a hole, I feel good about their place in our family. I know it is the most I will get while here on Earth, and I am going to embrace it.