Check-up and Fireworks

Yesterday was my check-up at my ob's office.  I was there a year ago to make sure my c-section scar was healing okay.  It was the appt. when she told me we had a to wait six months before trying to conceive, again.  I was devastated at the time.  I didn't want to wait that long.  As I left I made the appt for July 1, 2011.  I was certain I wouldn't keep it, because I would be back, pregnant, before that.  Well, I made it, not pregnant.  I hadn't really thought about what it would be like, going back to the office, with no baby in my belly. 

The visit was good.  I know, weird, right?  I mean, I definitely feel that there should be in big, bold, bright letters on the top of any BLM's chart that we lost a baby(ies).  Even though my nurse and doctor are always the same, there are still new ones hanging around, who have NO idea!  I was disappointed when W, my nurse, didn't call my name back.  The nurse introduced herself ( I didn't catch her name) and said she was shadowing W and Dr. L. for the time.  Then she promptly asks how many kids I have, how my c-section was, and so on.  Seriously???  Because I am pretty sure it says somewhere on my chart, not too far from the top, my entire ob history.  And these questions made it hard to swallow back the anxiety I was already feeling.  I didn't want W or Dr. L to walk in, see tears in my eyes and think that I was still having an incredibly hard time.  I am not, I am doing great, and I wanted them to see that part of me.

W came in a few minutes later and she gave me a hug, we talked about her kids and mine.  She said I looked wonderful and gave me a big hug.  It was a fun reunion. She then said she was really excited to see my name on the schedule this morning.  Before leaving, she asked if I was going to have more babies, "because I want you to have more babies."  haha.  We talked about that some and she grinned.  Dr. L then came in and also shared her excitement about seeing my name on the schedule for today.  We talked some more and she also told me I looked great.

When I was ready to leave, both W and Dr. L gave me big hugs and surrounded me with such love.  I had a total ego boost while I was there and left knowing how amazing these two women are.  It makes it easier to be back there when you have a nurse and doctor like the two of them.  I was also reminded how grateful I am to have been downstairs, in labor and delivery when all the bad news was given.  I was able to walk past the U/S rooms without sharps pangs to my heart, and I didn't have to worry about which room they put me in.  That all can wait until later, and I am sure Rooms 12 and 15 in L&D will already be being used when it's my turn.

We went to the Republic's firework display last night.  We started out with the Gipsons and dinner at their house.  It was CRAZY HOT outside, so it was nice to sit and visit with them in the A/C, while the kids played.  Willly and I also got to soak up some Baby Morgan smiles.  She was such a ham last night with the smiles and giggles.

At 9:20, we loaded up the boys.  The Gipsons decided to join us.  They live 1 mile from the display grounds, so we were there pretty quick, parked, and in a FABULOUS spot just as the National Anthem was ending.  We had a spot, on a little hill, between a few trees.  There was no one withing 50 feet of us.  It was our two families, watching the beautiful fireworks, in a cool breeze, in a world of our own.  Colton and Ethan were on a blanket in front of us, while Willy and I sat in chairs.  His hand was on my knee, and I felt on good.  Colton turns around, about half-way through and says, "I bet Lucas and Caleb are really loving these fireworks."
Willy replies with, "I am sure they are, they have the best seat in the house."

I cannot explain how my heart just exploded with love at that very moment.  It felt like Lucas and Caleb were right there with us for just a few moments.  I mean right there.  And it made me feel so good to be sitting there, to hear that short conversation.  Although I will always, always miss my babies, and there will forever be a hole, I feel good about their place in our family.  I know it is the most I will get while here on Earth, and I am going to embrace it.