To my baby boys above

Lucas and Caleb,

Today your baby brother, Simon, will be born.  Thank you so much for watching over him.  He shares your middle names, and I know a part of each of you will be in him. 

I love you so much boys!

Mommy

Happy Valentine's Day

Dear Lucas and Caleb,

Happy Valentine's Day sweet baby boys.  Two years ago today I got my first peek at one of you in the emergency room.  One of you was hiding from the ER Doctor.  And two years ago today I spent the last moments with my grandpa before he passed a few weeks later.  Today kind of holds some heavy emotions.  I sure miss the three of you.

I get to see your little brother or sister tomorrow.  I hope.  I am terrified that we will see nothing.  I know it is so likely that we'll see a tiny heartbeat and tiny baby, but I know reality, and it scares me.

Daddy is cooking our traditional Valentine's dinner right now.  Linguine with clam sauce.  He made this for me on our second date, and I LOVED it!!  We sat on the floor of his little apartment and ate.  He didn't have a table at the time.  I remember we had milk to drink, and I laughed at how he made the garlic bread.  Every year now he makes this dinner after the boy go to bed and we eat it together.  He also bought me my gold dipped rose again.  It is white.  It reminds me of the two of you.

I miss you babies!  I sat in the same classroom for Ethan's party today that I sat in when I was pregnant with you and at Colton's party.  It was hard as I thought about it.  But it was also peaceful, remembering the happiness and excitement I felt at that time.

16 Months

Dear Lucas and Caleb,

Well, it's been a crazy month.  Really super crazy!  Your big brothers have kept the family really busy with school and sports.  I've fallen in love with my crockpot all over again!  And I really am enjoying the business.  I am still having a hard time with Ethan being in school.  Although I am sure it's more the two of you not being here, my house being empty than it is him being in school.  I am just really not ready to be out of this season of my life, and I have some hope that I'm not completely out of it.

Something else that is brewing is that your cousin, Emily, is about to enter our world.  This is tough off and on for me.  I am sure you understand.  I bounce back and forth emotionally all the time about how I feel.  I really don't want to go into all the ugly details of my emotional roller coaster today, but will soon.  Just know that I think of the two of you when I think of her. 

We really miss you boys.  And we love you so very much!

Happy 13 Months Sweet Babies

Lucas and Caleb,

Well, we've made it through the first month of the second year.  This past month has really been a transitional month.  We've been busy, super busy.  And I feel that things are beginning to come back together.  I still think of the two of you everyday, and miss you everyday.  But more and more your memories bring me smiles instead of tears. 

We went to Columbus, OH this month to visit great-grandma June.  Grandpa Tim went with us and we really had a great time.  Colton and Ethan have both been to VBS, and we've been to tons of parks and such.  We spend a lot of time outside when the heat isn't brutal.  This June has been so very different from last June.  For that I am grateful.

I'm not sure when I'll stop with the monthly letters.  It's possible I'll always write them.  This 1st is just your day of the month.  Colton woke up this morning and asked to talk about you as soon as I sat next to him on the couch.  Love that boy.  He also know that this is your day every month.

I really don't have tons to say today.  We all love and miss you, and know you are with us always. 

Mommy

Happy 1st Birthday, Lucas and Caleb

Dear Lucas and Caleb,

Well, boys, today is your First Birthday. I am sure you are surrounded in Heaven by your friends and lots of birthday cake. (Happy Birthday to your friend, Jacob, also) We miss you down here, and I hate that we're not getting you ready for your birthday party.

We have a lot of things planned in your memory today. I am excited to share pictures. That's right, I wrote excited. You see, the past week has been really hard building up to this day. But we have so many wonderful ways to celebrate your short little lives, that I feel some peace. I know that there will be tears today (they're trying to come out now), but there will also be some good memories made.

I can't believe it has been a year. I remember not being able to think past a day or two, let alone a month. But I've survived a year with you in Heaven, a year on this grief journey. The two of you have changed me in ways I can't even begin to explain. I am so proud to be your mommy.

As each special time passes, a little bit of weight leaves me. At 8:30 when we learned you were gone, Lucas. The flashbacks hit so fierce, then just disappeared. I will never forget the look on Dr. M's face. Then again at 12:54am. I replayed scenes for about 20 minutes before. The hustle, the fear, my mom and sister coming in, and them cutting of my bra for surgery. (I know that is a funny detail.) I remember being terrified of your Daddy not being there and not getting to tell him that I love him. Having him by my side last night was more comforting that I could ever describe. Now to make it to 2:36am tomorrow. I am sure more weight will leave and I will find a new peace, a little bit of closure.

This time last year I was lying in Labor and Delivery, holding your body close, Lucas, trying to show him off to anybody who walked through the door. I don't know how many people came in that day, and how many left a little unsure. The pride of a mom is always there, and I was proud of my baby boy. Caleb, you were fighting for your life in the NICU. I hadn't seen you yet, but Daddy and Grandpa Tim had. I would get to meet you shortly after 5, when I was able to get up and into a wheelchair. It was hard to see you there so still, hooked up to so many wires and tubes. But the nurses were gentle with you.

Many are thinking of you today, boys. Just as they were last year. You have touched so many people's lives in so many ways. You are so loved and so missed every moment of every day.

Mommy

11 Months

Dear Lucas and Caleb,

11 months, how can it be? I feel so far away from you, yet I feel you so very close. Today is the hardest month-anniversary since 6 months. I hurt from grief and crying this morning. Colton asked me as soon as I woke up if we could look at pictures of the two of you. Your brother amazes me, really. We looked at your small album for the first time in awhile. As I was turning the pages I could smell you, it was like we were back in the hospital and the two of you were in my arms again.

This month has been alright, I think. I really can't remember much of it. I know it was a busy month and seemed to go by fast until this past week. We had our 3rd annual Easter egg hunt the second weekend, Colton's birthday party the third weekend, and Easter last weekend. We were busy and I am grateful for that.

May feels dark, and it doesn't help that rain and clouds have been hanging around quite a bit lately. I have no expectation for the next couple of weeks. I am sure there will be highs and lows. I have several different things I want to do for the two of you this month. I am looking forward to celebrating your birthday, in that kind of way. I want to concentrate on celebrating your beautiful lives. I think it's the only way I'll get through this intact.

I just can't believe it's almost here. That you've been here and gone for almost a year. My mind is starting the replay game again. It hasn't gone there in quite some time. And it hurts, as always.

We love you babies so very much. And we miss you every day. Life just isn't what it was supposed to be, but we're doing our best.

10 Months

Dear Caleb and Lucas,

Happy 10 months baby boys! Oh what a month it has been. The first three weeks were pretty amazing. I felt great (minus the cough). I had lots of energy, light, and spirit. I felt like I was floating, not sulking. It was great and I was really thinking I had turned a big corner. We also added a puppy to the family, Snickers. He is such great dog and really adds some life around here. Not that there is really ever a dull moment.

Then this week arrived. I have cried EVERYDAY for the two of you. Everything has brought the hole that is left to light. Thoughts that normally don't cross my mind, or bring about tears left me crying and heaving (and of course coughing). Like yesterday when I saw a mom drop off her child in Colton's classroom. She turned around with this pretty baby belly and my immediate thought was, "That was me this time last spring." I miss the two of you. I miss everything our family of 6 was going to be. The crazy spring and summer this was supposed to be with four, five and under, two of which would be crawling and pulling up, and pulling things down.

It's been a tough week. And I know that the weeks ahead are going to pose their own challenges. May is going to suck, big time. I've thought alot about celebrating your birthday. A day that is celebrated in middle of two days of the anniversaries of your departures. We're going to make you cupcakes, send you balloons, and donate some memory boxes to the hospital. I really want to use that day as a day to celebrate the two of you. Even though you aren't physically here, you always are in spirit. And celebrate all the amazing things your presence in my life the two of you have done.

We love you, babies. Daddy even shared that some with Colton a few weeks ago when Colton was crying for the two of you. That poor boys heart is so big and breaks so hard. He told me the other night that he misses reading to the two of you. Talk about a hard cry. He then asked for another baby brother or sister (he prefers a sister) to read to. He also knows my heart.

Love you always,

Mommy

9 Months

Dear Lucas and Caleb,

Today is more like, "It's only been 9 months." instead of , "I can't believe it's already been 9 months." Several times last night and today I have thought it's been 10 months. I guess I'm feeling distant from the two of you. Not really sure what is bringing the change, and I really don't know how I feel about it.

Colton woke up this morning wanting to talk about the two of you. Of course we talked, and I cried. He knows the 1st of every month. Your brother is very insightful, and he almost always knows my heart. Ethan just sits and kind of listens when we talk about you. Both boys play with your monkeys often. It really warms my heart to see their love for you. Only wish it were you physically.

This month has been a roller coaster. Lots of ups and downs. I feel frustrated with it at times. I seem very suseptible to cloudy days. And we've had a number of them lately.

There's not a whole lot more to say today. I am missing you very much. I am ready to go back to more good days than bad. But I fear it may be like this until your birthday.

We love you so much, my babies.

7 Months

Dear Lucas and Caleb,

It's been seven months since saying hello and good-bye. You are on my mind often and I miss you so very much. Yesterday was New Years Eve and it started out okay. By mid-afternoon, the grief of a new year beginning hit crazy hard and crazy fast. I laid in bed and cried. And when Daddy found me, he laid next to me, held me, and comforted me as I cried. He loves the two of you so much and misses you. It was nice to have him there to help me get through my meltdown.

2010 is your year. The year you were born and lost. It will always be your year. And I find it really hard to think your year is over. It's hard to comprehend that the two of you died "last year". I don't like that phrase when talking about you, and will probably keep from using it.

We are really shooting for some good luck this year. We had doughnuts for breakfast, and are having black-eyed peas and ham for dinner. I really don't like black-eyed peas and usually only eat 2 or so. Last year I remember being proud of eating 5...how ironic that that's the number of months you were with us. This year I rinsed them really well and put them in ham, green bean, potato casserole, and I will eat TONS!!! Can't even taste them.

Christmas was good. Thank you for the snow you sent. I really wanted a white Christmas, and snow reminds me of you, and brings me peace. It was the perfect gift. I thought about you often throughout the holiday season. And I cried a few times on Christmas Day. I felt the hole that was left behind when you died. But I also was reminded that you are in Heaven, watching down on us, and that one day I will hold you in my arms again.

Well, babies, that just about wraps up December. Today isn't as hard as past anniversaries. It is getting more tolerable. And I know that is how you want it to be. We all miss you so much. And Colton still talks about you often. He's such a great big brother. We love you!!!

Mommy

Happy 5 Month Birthday, Lucas and Caleb

Dear Lucas and Caleb,

Notice the title, little ones? I'm really trying to see things a little more positively now. Some days it's much harder than on others, but things are changing for me. I feel a little lost in this change, it seems every where I turn there's another choice to make and another obstacle in my way, but I'm making it and really trying to embrace the good things (and people) in my life.

I can't believe it's been FIVE whole months since you both were born and in my arms for the first time. And I am so happy that I had over 24 hours with the both of you to hold. Even though your body was lifeless, Lucas, I knew then and still know now that you were still in that labor and delivery room with us. Watching and waiting for Caleb to join you so you could go to Heaven together. I felt your presence, baby. And Caleb, I realized a few days ago that I am really blessed to have been able to see your first smile. The smile that came across your face as you joined Lucas, I will always remember that moment.

Yesterday was Halloween, little ones. Through the spring as I thought about this Halloween I thought about how I would be either sitting in the car keeping the two of you nice and warm or at home handing out candy while Daddy took Colton and Ethan out trick-or-treating. Without you here, I went with the boys and Daddy and had a really good time. I thought of the two of you often and felt you with the wind. Allison, Drew's mommy, once posted the following and I think of it often,

"I had once given you the air you needed to live, to grow and to develop. In death, I give you the air to pass through me…to enter the world as the spiritual energy you now are. For every breath I release, you have the opportunity to do somersaults in the wind, to play amongst the butterflies, the fall with the rain, to paint those beautiful sunrises...And for every breath I take in, you are able to come back to my heart where you will always have a place to rest. "

Thank you, Allison for such wise words. The breeze was constant last night and the leaves rustled with it and with Colton's and Ethan's eager footsteps as they went from house to house with the other princesses, superheroes, and dragons. And I felt the two of you with me all evening. I really look forward to posting some fun pictures tomorrow.

This past month has been easier. I have felt an awesome change coming about. I am truly enjoying most days. Anna and Zoe's mommy reminded that I can't just act good, that I have to be good inside and out before I can enter the next season of my life. I am working on it babies, I am working on it. And I feel it happening.

I am honestly happy to say that I have lost track of the number of weeks the two of you have been gone. I am grateful for this and refuse to go back and count them up. I know sometime this month the time you are gone will equal and pass up the time you were with us. And I don't want to know when it comes and passes. I don't want to concentrate on it and let it weigh me down any.

Well, boys, this past month was the best since we've lost you. And I know that months will continue to improve. My favorite part of the year is upon us and I hate that you aren't physically here to share it with. But we will pick out your ornaments this year and hang them on the tree. And I know that there will be some hard moments with the holidays coming up, but I am more grateful than ever to have Colton and Ethan here. So far the hardest part was looking at stockings and knowing that are mantle will be missing two this year.

I have to end this on a happy note. We love the two of you so much. And as I tell Colton on a daily basis, you are always in our hearts, helping to keep them warm.

4 Months and an Act of Great Kindness

Dear Lucas and Caleb,

Well, babies, in true mommy style I didn't get all the memorials of your names together for this post. But I will, I promise.

I can't believe it has been four months since we said good-bye to you. This past month has been a tough one. Your due date was on the 17th and it hit with a vengeance. The two weeks leading up to it was almost as tough as the two week after your birth. Really tough. I cried more than I had in months, and harder I must add. I have not only been reminded of losing you, but how things were supposed to be right now. We miss you every single day, babies.

But, instead of going on and on about how hard and sad this month was, I wanted to share with you something a good friend of mommy's did for us. His name is Chad and I have known him since high school. He has been travelling through Australia this year. A month or so ago I contacted him and asked if he was headed to Mullaloo beach. As many of my BLM friends know, this beach is special. It is where Carly (http://namesinthesand.blogspot.com)%20writes/ the names of angels at sunset and takes beautiful pictures. After your names were written, I felt this incredible need for some sand from here.

I asked Chad that if he were to be close, if he could bottle some up for me to keep with you on your shelf. He wrote back with his apologies for our loss and said he wasn't going to make it over there during this trip. But that he had a friend who would and that she would get some sand, get it to him, and he would get it to me. Well, imagine my surprise when I saw pictures of Chad gathering sand on Mulallo Beach this morning. I cried happy tears that I thought I could never cry again.

The two of you have touched so many hearts. Lucas and Caleb, you to are so special and loved. I feel lucky to be your mommy and to have known you as much as I did. And even though there are times when I feel cheated in losing you, I also feel honored for being chosen to be your mommy and to be able to share you and the impacts you make in this world. We love you two so much!

Love, Mommy


Here are the pictures from the beach.

Thank you with all my heart, Chad!

To My Best Friend

I wrote this last year and wanted to share it again.  Love you so much, Willy!!


Dear Willy,

I love you so much! Although we have only been married for four years, it seems like we've spent a lifetime together.


You are the most amazing man I have ever met! You love me for everything that I am. And I am grateful everyday that you chose me to be your wife and the mother of your children...(even though there were so many others to chose from.) hehe

I truly love everything about you. You make me laugh everyday. And you are always true to who you are.

We always have such a great time together and you remind me that life doesn't always have to be so serious. I have never had so much fun with anyone else.

And the love you have for me is so apparent. I love how you like to show me off to everyone. Not only am I proud to have found someone so amazing, but you let me know that you feel the same.

And I know that we will always be together. This year has been incredibly tough for us, but you have held my hand and been by my side for every single step of this journey. You bring to true meaning the words, "For better or worse. Through good times and bad."

The day we got married was absolutely beautiful. You make me feel like a princess everyday. And you told me I looked like one on our day.

Everyone was so happy that I married you. Grandpa always told Grandma that he didn't have to worry about me anymore, because he knew you would take care of me. I miss you, Grandpa!

You know I adore you so much! And I love the look in your eyes when you look at me. I can see all your love in your smile.

And even though we took a less traditional path in our lives together, we are doing it our way. And we love each other and we are teaching our kids how to love.

And how to dance through life.

I just had to add this picture of our cake. Your mom did such an amazing job. She put so much love into this cake.

I think one of the things I love most about you is your sense of humor, even though there's a lot of orneriness. (This is when instead of pulling out my garter, he pulled out a black bra....that belonged to my SIL...thanks Brandy and Steve for playing along, it really added to the memories)

And you have given me four beautiful boys.

Colton 04/18/06

Ethan 11/29/07

Caleb 06/01/10

Lucas 06/01/10

I know this year has been the toughest. Our marriage has been tested more than any marriage should have to. But we have stood together, strong, through it all. You have watched me change, and been so patient with me. And I know it has been hard to watch me hurt and that it hurts you, too. But know that I love you more than the world and that I always will. I admire your strength and patience. We have had some good dances together and I know that the future holds some more.
"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, but learning to dance in the rain" Anonymous

I love you, Willy. I always have and I always will!

Here's to a lifetime with my best friend,

Happy Anniversary

Carrie

Three Month Letter to My Angels

Dear Lucas and Caleb,

Today marks three months since we have said hello and good-bye. I can't believe it. Some days it hurts like it was yesterday. And others I feel so distant from it all. I thought I would tell you about what we have done the past three months. I know you've been watching and that you would want us to have some fun. We have, although we've also cried many, many tears. We miss you so much, babies. And we miss everything you would have become.
Here is your shelf on the china hutch. We still haven't ordered your urn yet. I am so sorry. Not really sure what the hold up is. Maybe it's still a little too final for us. Your footprints were taken at the hospital in these molds. I run my fingers over them often. The two of you had perfect little feet. The painting in the back is from your Aunt Brandy and Uncle Steve. They did such a wonderful job. And the box in the middle with the two boys is from Alicia. She has 5 year old twin boys and bought this for us. It holds to roses that were part of all the flowers we received.

This is the last belly pic taken. When I took it, everything was okay. You can see how tight the contraction monitor was at times. Both of you kicked at it often and we had to move it all the time. I really wish we would have taken more pictures and videos while in the hospital. But we were optimistic and thought we has so much more time.

This is one of two pictures I have of holding both of you. I dreamed of this day for so long...only I should have been able to dream of it for longer. Lucas, you were already gone and we were losing Caleb. But I will never forget what it felt like to hold the both of you together.

Caleb, here is the best picture we have of you without all the tubes and wires. There's a little grin on your face. It is the only movement from you that I got to see. And I know you smiled just for me and your daddy.

Lucas, you look so peaceful here. They had you wrapped in so many blankets in your little bassinet. I held you all night that night. And everyone that walked in was told they could hold you. I was so proud of you and that you were my son. And I just couldn't believe you were gone before I ever had the chance to see you smile, hear your cry, or look in your beautiful eyes.

On June 7, we held a service for you at our church. Over 100 of our friends and family and co-workers came down to remember you. Your Daddy designed this program for everyone to have and save. He did such an amazing job. He loves the two of you so much. And he lets me in to see his sadness once in awhile. But more often than that, he shows me how he thinks of you and misses you. The two of you would have learned so much from him.

These are only some of the beautiful flowers and cards we received. Your memory boxes are also shown. These tables were set up in the living room for weeks.

On to some good times we have had. Here are some pictures from the waterpark in Strafford. We went with the Harts one Sunday afternoon. It was so much fun. I thought of you so much. But I think it was honestly the first time since you were born that I honestly had a good time.

We took Colton and Ethan to feed the ducks about 3 weeks after you were born. It is one of the many things I wouldn't have been able to do this summer. They really enjoyed it, though.

We went to Michelle's wedding. I definitely had a lot of anxiety on this day. She called and asked me to be a bridesmaid back in January. I told her yes, although I would be pretty huge pregnant. A few weeks later we learned I was pregnant with both of you and I had to back out. And then you were born too early and I was able to make it. I am glad I was there, but I was also sad to be able to be there. She came down for your service, babies. She is such a great friend.

We went to Six Flags the same weekend of the wedding. We had so much fun! And it seemed that everywhere I looked I found identical twins. Double strollers with infants EVERYWHERE! But I sucked it up, sent you love and enjoyed the time with Colton, Ethan, and Willy.

Daddy holding Colton in the sharks mouth. That boy is completely fearless!

Ethan and I on the log flume! He is my buddy!

We spent tons of time with James and Thomas. You know their brother, John. The Hart family has done so much for us down here. I honestly don't know how we would have made it without them. Colton and Ethan play with James and Thomas all the time. And they all play well together, which makes it that much more fun!

Your brothers and I took a spontaneous trip to Columbia to visit Great Grandma Hughes in July. There is this extremely large park up there. We had so much fun, but I missed you so much this trip.

Then you sent me the dragonflies and I could breathe a little better. Thank you, boys

A few weeks ago, we met Daddy at the park near his work for a picnic. It was the first not sweltering day in weeks. We had a lot of fun!

We then went camping the weekend of my birthday. My birthday was likely going to be yours. Would have been pretty cool! 36 weeks marked full term for the two of you. The week was really hard leading up to this Friday, but the day was a good one. I celebrated the fact that we had you for 24 weeks and 3-4 days.

We took Colton and Ethan floating down the river. They loved it. And we learned that Daddy doesn't float well on an inner tube.

And I love the dragonfly you sent while I was floating on the river. It brought so much peace to me. Thank you so much, babies!

Then on that Sunday we went to Grandma and Grandpa's and caught toads. The two of you would have learned so much from Colton and Ethan on how to be true boys. I think I really found my true normal this weekend.

Here we are at the STL zoo! We visit here 3 or 4 times a year. Grandpa Tim goes with us frequently. We always visit the penguins first. I can only imagine the fun of chasing four boys through the zoo. I thought of the two of you a lot during this trip.

Here's Colton working hard to resist petting the penguin that is swimming by. I might have to sneak one home one day. hehe

These two sleeping monkeys almost brought on the tears! I wasn't going to take a pictures, but Grandpa Tim insisted. And I am pretty sure he had the right intention. Thank you, Dad. This picture will probably get printed and put in your memory book.

And we HAD to go through the butterfly house. I took tons of pictures of butterflies. A different butterfly for each baby of my BLM friends. I hope to get all the pictures done this week and sent to them.

And here is me in my reunion outfit. Luckily the date wasn't set until after you were born, so I didn't have the "I shouldn't be able to go." anxiety. I just knew that I would be around a lot of people that night. Some who knew we lost you and others who didn't. I was nervous about the questions that I hate answering. "How many kids do you have?" "What are their ages." and so forth. I love this outfit and that I could fit into it. I bought the shirt when shopping with Bettie. I only seem to buy peach when I am with her.

Here's mommy after a few glasses of wine. Michelle is in the brown shirt and Ashley in the dress. I don't think I would have stayed long if Michelle wouldn't had come. Thank you, Michelle for being my safety net for the night. I had a blast!

I honestly don't remember what we are laughing about, but I am sure this is what we looked like most the night.

A great shot of Michelle and I. It took several attempts to get one this good. But we were having so much fun. And I know Craig and your Daddy had a really good time watching us.

And this is when we decided it may not be a good idea to roll down the hill. It took some convincing, though. Then I fell and was on the ground anyway. And your Daddy was 15 feet away taking pictures of me instead of helping me up.

Then we came home for Colton's first day of Pre-Kindergarten. He was so excited. I really missed you today. I missed the way I had pictured today. I should have been pushing your double stroller, struggling to manuever it into the elevator, and juggling three kids after dropping Colton off, not one. I think this might be one of the last days for a while that I have this feeling of loss dreams. I know it's not the last, but it should be a few weeks, hopefully.

Lucas and Caleb, I have met some amazing women through this journey. I hate that I now know that babies do die and for so many reasons. I know you have lots of playmates up there in Heaven. Please hug Jacob today as it's his 3 month angelversary also. And he has just been joined by his brother or sister. And Emmett and Everette who just recently joined you. I can only imagine the trouble the four of you could get into, but the fun you will have doing it. I am so grateful to the BabyLoss community I have found down here. These women are so strong and wonderful.

The past three month have been the hardest months of our lives. Your Daddy and I were so excited to watch you grown and learn. We often feel so robbed of all of it. But we try to remember that we will see you one day. Colton talks about the two of you almost everyday. He is such a rockstar big brother. And I hate that him and Ethan have to also go through all this. But they play with your monkeys and even sleep with them once in awhile.

I have felt all the emotions throughout all this:

The extreme anger that I finally released. This poor box never had a chance. I am just grateful I wasn' t home when they brought it. The mailman probably would never come back.

Of course, there are all the tears I have cried. Very few days have gone by when there haven't been tears of some sort. But it is getting easier, I promise.

I've also had some good times. I know that you don't want me to always be sad, so some days I happy just for the two of you.

And of course I make sure to truly enjoy and appreciate your brothers. I am so grateful to be blessed with them. They are the reason I get out of bed some mornings.

Well, babies, this has been a long letter. We've done a lot these past three months. I've tried to keep us busy as to help the healing process some. And it has helped. Hopefully next month I'll be sharing the good news of our selling our house. And I will compile all the memorial pictures we have for the two of you from all the moms in my new community.

We love you so much and miss you so much. I truly hate that we don't get to watch you grow up. And that although we are still the parents to twin boys, we won't have all the experiences that comes with being the parents of twin boys.

With all our hearts,

Mommy and Daddy

Colton and Ethan