10 Months

Dear Caleb and Lucas,

Happy 10 months baby boys! Oh what a month it has been. The first three weeks were pretty amazing. I felt great (minus the cough). I had lots of energy, light, and spirit. I felt like I was floating, not sulking. It was great and I was really thinking I had turned a big corner. We also added a puppy to the family, Snickers. He is such great dog and really adds some life around here. Not that there is really ever a dull moment.

Then this week arrived. I have cried EVERYDAY for the two of you. Everything has brought the hole that is left to light. Thoughts that normally don't cross my mind, or bring about tears left me crying and heaving (and of course coughing). Like yesterday when I saw a mom drop off her child in Colton's classroom. She turned around with this pretty baby belly and my immediate thought was, "That was me this time last spring." I miss the two of you. I miss everything our family of 6 was going to be. The crazy spring and summer this was supposed to be with four, five and under, two of which would be crawling and pulling up, and pulling things down.

It's been a tough week. And I know that the weeks ahead are going to pose their own challenges. May is going to suck, big time. I've thought alot about celebrating your birthday. A day that is celebrated in middle of two days of the anniversaries of your departures. We're going to make you cupcakes, send you balloons, and donate some memory boxes to the hospital. I really want to use that day as a day to celebrate the two of you. Even though you aren't physically here, you always are in spirit. And celebrate all the amazing things your presence in my life the two of you have done.

We love you, babies. Daddy even shared that some with Colton a few weeks ago when Colton was crying for the two of you. That poor boys heart is so big and breaks so hard. He told me the other night that he misses reading to the two of you. Talk about a hard cry. He then asked for another baby brother or sister (he prefers a sister) to read to. He also knows my heart.

Love you always,

Mommy