Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Amaze-ing Corny Jokes

Real quick, if you didn't enter the give away, go here to do so.

On Monday night our family decided to visit the corn maze in Marshfield. The Hart family (an extention of ours, hehe) invited us to join them and even though it was a school night, we thought it would be fun! The rain held out and the wind was crazy strong, but we had a great time!

We thought it would be a great idea to visit the potty before heading into the corn. It could have been interesting to have to go in the middle of the maze.

Our handsome husbands and Thomas.

We thought we would let the boys lead the way. Here, James has decided that using the map is the way to go and Colton is helping him find where we are at. What you can't see is that the map is upside down.

There were numbers 1-10 in the maze. When you got to a number, you read a question and the answer tells you which way to go. We saw the number 4 three times, never found 3, 5, 7, or 10. We also passed numbers 6 and 8 twice.

Not sure what Ethan was so excited about, but it's a great smile. I'm carrying my spider stick, as you can see. Last year at dusk the spiders all came out and were building their webs across the path. I screamed and almost cried when I walked face first into a web. This year I was prepared!

About the title of the post....Ken is great for one-liners and we heard many throughout. At one point Willy said, "Now that's just corny." And his one joke got many more than Ken's combined.
After the corn maze, we went to Pizza Hut for dinner. At one point during dinner Kristan looked at me and said it was really cool how we could have four small boys at a table in a restaurant and it was quiet. I am so proud of Colton and Ethan and how well behaved they are. And James and Thomas are always well behaved also. It's so nice to have friends that are family!

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Monday, October 25, 2010

100th Post Giveaway!!!

100 Posts! Wow, I can't believe I have shared that much of my life with the world in 8 months! And being 100 posts brings home the fact that I've survived more than 100 days on this journey. Feels pretty good to be here. I am excited and will announce the giveaway after getting out all the mushy stuff.

Back in February, I thought it would be a great idea to share our twin pregnancy with friends and family who weren't close. And as I was setting up this blog, I thought about how fun it would be to share all their antics as they grew older. The blog was going to be about our whole family and how much fun life was with two more little monkeys running around. Check here for the very first post and others written during the pregnancy.

On May 31st, 2010 our world began to quickly crumble as we learned that we lost Lucas. I'll never forget every little detail of those hours and days surrounding us as we learned that he was gone. June 1st found us delivering both twins shortly after midnight, and June 2nd found us saying good-bye to his brother, Caleb.

A few weeks after saying good-bye to our perfect little babies, I searched frantically online for others who had been or currently were where I was. My search wasn't very productive that first day. But on day 2 I found the Grieve Out Loud site and Glow in the Woods. Both these sites had blogrolls that I began to check out. I soon decided that I wanted to continue blogging. Even though it was painful at first, the amount of healing that came with it was very much welcome. I soon found many other moms out there that were fresh in this journey. A few months later Kristin began Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope. This is the site that everyone knew was needed, but never did what it took to get it started. Thank you, Kristin, so much!!!! I am really looking forward to the future of Faces of Loss!

I have made so many amazing women through this blog and reading their blogs. This community that nobody wants to be a part of is fabulous. Everyone has the biggest hearts and it always reminds me how unfair babyloss is.

So I want to thank everyone who reads my blog, comments on it, and follows it. Every comment adds so much happiness to my day. Thank you all so much for your support. I know I wouldn't be as far through this as I am without each and every one of you!

I am going to give away 10 hand-made Christmas cards!!! I will do a drawing on November 1st and have them mailed out by November 10th, so that you get them in time to write and address them. To enter, you leave a comment for this post and/or sign up as a follower of the blog. If you do both, then you'll be entered twice.

I am really looking forward to this. It's my first giveaway and I am so very grateful for all of you! It has been a rollercoaster ride. You've shared happiness and many, many tears with me. I am looking forward to the next 100 posts!

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Thursday, October 21, 2010

A Whole New Level of Unfair

This is Colton. He is my first born. This little boy is so full of love it is just amazing. He has all the qualities that I love about his dad. He is so aware of everyone and everything around him. And most who spend more than 10 minutes with him comments on how sweet and caring he is. He taught me what indescribable love is.

He is boy through and through.

And the faces he makes never fail to bring a smile to my face.

And he is an amazing big brother. He has loved Ethan from the very beginning. And I really don't recall much jealousy when Ethan was born. He really looks after Ethan.
Colton was so excited about Lucas and Caleb. He talked about them every day. And he still does. He asks about them now. He has been trying really hard to understand that they are no longer here on Earth. It is such a hard concept to grasp at the age of 4. And every time he sees me cry, he hugs me and tells me it's okay, we'll have more babies. But last night the finality of it all hit him, hard. He cried for over an hour saying he really, really misses Lucas and Caleb. And there was nothing I could do except hold him, rub his back, and tell him, "I know, me too." And he just cried and repeated it over and over. And I sat there helpless. And got angry at the fact that my son has to hurt so much, and there is nothing I can do to take the pain away. He hugged their monkeys and finally cried himself to sleep with me next to him rubbing his back. No parent should ever have to lose a child, but for a child to lose a sibling, it is that much harder. I hate that Ethan and Colton also lost their little brothers.
Colton reading to Lucas and Caleb 3 days before Caleb's bag ruptured. Once again, I can't help but ask why and feel angry. Like the mama lion protecting her young.

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Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Some Freedom

I love fall! And I love to play in the leaves. The sound of them crunching under my feet and the smell of fresh fallen leaves always brings a smile to my face. I find it interesting that my children haven't enjoyed the leaves until passing a certain age. Right around 2 and a half. Before then, they have screamed and wanted out of there. But now it's all fun and games.

And the great thing about playing in the leaves this weekend is the freedom I felt. We all played together like we used to. Grandma and Grandpa got in on the fun even. And I felt free. Free from the weight of the grief, free from worry, and free from the what-ifs and the should of beens. If wasn't until the next day when I loaded the pictures up that I thought about how if things would have gone as planned, we would have had pictures of Lucas and Caleb crying in the leaves just as we do with Colton and Ethan. And instead of guilt, I felt relief. Relief that I can truly enjoy life moments like this.

Colton getting the pile big enough to play in

Grandpa wanting in on the action. He is always up for getting me.

Trying to get the leaves out of my mouth. It isn't possible to laugh and keep your mouth closed.

Getting Ethan as he goes down the slide.

Grandma handed Colton the bucket so he could fill it and dump it on me. Plan backfired. hehe

I love how Colton is holding his nose.

Poor Colton had leaves EVERYWHERE!

And I love how in every picture I am smiling and laughing! A true genuine smile. I think I have found my new normal and it's pretty close to my old one. I am so grateful to be where I am on this journey. It's a good place. And a big thank you to Willy for taking pictures.

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Monday, October 18, 2010


I am sitting here almost five months out from saying good-bye to Lucas and Caleb. And I really can't believe I've made it this far. The days following May 31st when we first learned we had lost Lucas were near impossible. Everything happened so fast and I honestly had no idea how I was going to survive each hour, let alone weeks and months. But I'm here and doing pretty darn well.

I feel a new season coming upon me. I am making huge strides in this journey and there are some big things coming up. We are selling our house. And I have emotionally disconnected from it. It's a good thing. I still have times when I look at the bookcase in the living room and imagine the pack n play there with my babies in it. And it still hurts once in awhile to look at the crib they should be sleeping in at night, or the chest where their clothes should be. I'm ready for a fresh start.

And even though nothing is decided yet, but the road to TTC is coming up. My six month mark is speeding closer and I'm getting excited. Willy and I still discussing if we are ready or not, but I am shooting for a YES! It still might be awhile, I know....but I'm hoping for our rainbow baby in the next year or so.

Plus I am really just enjoying and embracing life again. I am mean really embracing it. I am having so much fun with Colton and Ethan. I still think about and miss Lucas and Caleb, and I still have tough days, but they are becoming farther apart and fewer.

This rambling all means something, I promise. There are some blogs that I follow or moms who lost twins a year or more ago. I enjoy their honesty and they way they share their lives now, in the moment. They live their lives in the moment. They have other children here on Earth and I relate well to them. They are where I want to be. They still miss and write about their babies, but they also really embrace the blessings they have with them.

It is time for a complete overhaul. I really want to focus more on the positives, and this includes my blog. I am still going to share my hard moments, because that is very much a part of this journey. But the good moments need to be shared also. When this blog was first started it was to share the fun times expecting twins and then ALL the moments after the twins were born. Well, there was a HUGE detour, but they were born and here we are learning to live our lives without them.

The blog is going to take a new name, a new look, and the posts will be more about our family and our lives and not limited to missing Lucas and Caleb. I want to be one of those mom's that other BLM's can look at and see that there is some sunshine in the future. That even at this point it isn't all doom and gloom anymore. We all grieve differently, especially since everyone's situations and experiences are different. But I want to really share how our family is doing at the given moment.

So here's to some big changes and a new outlook. I am looking forward to the open honesty I am ready to portray once more. I hope to get all the changes up and running over the next week or so.

A big thank you to everyone who reads and comments. Your support has played a large part in where I am on this journey.

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Friday, October 15, 2010

October 15th

I faintly remember hearing about today a few years ago. I am sure I came across it somewhere and I probably said "I'm sorry." quietly to all the moms and dads who had lost a baby. But I didn't give it more thought. And I feel so guilty about that. Now I am part of the club and the day holds more meaning to me than I wish it did.

I wish I wasn't part of this club. I wish my Lucas and Caleb were in the pack n play in the living room taking a nap or crying for a diaper change. And although I love all the amazing women I've met and am grateful for them, I wish none of us would have met under these circumstances.

But we're here, members of this club that we didn't chose or ever want to be a part of. And I love all these amazing women who support each other through all the ups and downs of this journey. And I am AMAZED by the movement that has started to make the WORLD more aware of pregnancy and infant loss. And it all takes my breath away sometimes.

The Wave of Light Ceremony is tonight at LFC (directions here). I am really looking forward to this and the chance to meet some more parents who are without their babies. I hate that I am on this side of it, but I feel the need to embrace the moment and honor my babies with so many others.

I also want to direct everyone's attention to this page. This is the I Am The Face campaign. The goal is to get 2000 faces of women who have lost babies by today. At last count an hour ago we were at 1700! The number 2000 is the number of women in the US who lose their babies EACH DAY! And this page speaks louder than any words ever could.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Going into my Hole, Now

Grandma is out of surgery. They were able to remove most of the cancerous tumor and the stint was placed in her ureter. The doctors feel positive about how well the surgery went and she should be home next week. I am grateful and feel so blessed to have this prayer answered. As many of us know, sometimes we feel that we aren't heard. But this one was heard and answered and I am grateful for everyone who prayed for her and the family. A big thank you.

With this being said, I am emotionally drained. This week has been stressful and has had a lot of valleys. Something else also came up that I won't talk about right now, but it has been piled on top of it all. I am exhausted and have tons of stuff to get done over the next couple of days. And the Wave of Light Ceremony tomorrow.

I think I am going to burrow into my hole for awhile. I will be on facebook and check everyone's blogs and read them. I think of all you BLM's everyday. But I probably won't respond much until I am feeling back on the up and up. I don't know if I can find many positive words when it comes to babyloss and don't want to bring anyone down. Please know that I love you all and am always thinking of you and all our angels.

Monday, October 11, 2010

Heading out for a few

I just found out that my grandma is in the hospital with a blockage in her kidney and a mass on her colon. I am travelling up there tonight to be with her for the next few days. It was a year ago this week that my grandpa went to the hospital for stroke and other problems that delined his overall health quickly. This has been a nightmare of a year for our family, losing grandpa and then the twins....I am scared. I am not ready for any more.

Please keep my grandma in your prayers.

I will update when I get home

Saturday, October 9, 2010

The Dream

A few nights ago I had the most vivid dream of Lucas and Caleb. I really want to share the details on here since I really think it is a HUGE part in all this. Since it's been a few days, it might be a little choppy, but most dreams are, anyway.

Willy and I were in our playroom with the double stroller in front of us. The twins were about 3 months old. Caleb was fine, but Lucas was dead. They had chubby cheeks, blonde hair and were so adorable. This picture will be forever burned in my memory. I picked Lucas up and held him tight. My tears fell on the top of his head and I just kept crying. Then I felt him jump a little. It was a tiny movement, but I felt it. I held him out in front of me and he opened his eyes. I cried out for Willy. My Lucas came back. He was breathing and smiling at me. His beautiful eyes just grinned with happiness. When I looked down at my Caleb he was smiling the same smile. I had both my baby boys, finally.

This dream was so vivid. I could smell them, I could feel my Lucas cuddle up into my neck. I felt this intense happiness that is indescribable. And then I woke up. But instead of breaking down in tears, realizing it was all a dream, I felt this calmness and peace. I knew Caleb and Lucas were okay, and watching down on all of us. I miss them so much, but it feels a little different now.

This dream makes me smile now, and a few tears fall when I talk about it with someone. I still feel cheated and robbed. But I am grateful to be able to picture their double smile. Sometimes it helps bring me some peace and sometimes it hurts that I won't get to experience it on a daily basis. I am really trying to embrace some positiveness in this. I have to or I am going to fall down a deep, dark hole.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

One Lovely Blog Award

I first want to thank Allison (Remembering Drew), Dana (In Memory of Jacob), and Jill (Footprints on our Hearts) for sending this award my way. The three of you are amazing women and I really enjoy reading your blogs, also. I am so glad that I have found you and that we can support each other through all this. I feel so honored that so many read my blog and it always makes my day to read the comments that are left. This blog started as such a happy place, became a sad place, and is slowing becoming happier. I miss my babies everyday but know that they will never be forgotten.

There are so many blogs that I read and try to keep up with. It was hard to chose 10 and I wish I could rechoose the three women who nominated me, but I don't think that is how it is supposed to work.

Here are the rules:

1. Accept the award and post it on your blog with the name of the person who has granted the award and his/her blog link.

2. Pay it forward to 10 other bloggers that you have newly discovered.

3. Contact those blog owners and let them know they have been chosen.

Here are the ones I've chosen:
1. Danae (Our Journey to Bailey and Beyond)
2. Kristin (Dear Stevie)
3. Erin (Disaster on a Twin Scale)
4. Angela (Little Bird)
5. Tina (Living without Sophia and Ellie)
6. Courtney (The Peeks)
7. Jeanna (Jeanna's Motherhood Journey)
8. Erika (1-Urth Mama)
9. Devon (Life as we Know It)
10. Heather (Prayer and Hope)

And now I am off to contact all these wonderful women and let them know personally how much I appreciate them!

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Grief and Faith

I know, I know, two posts in one's been one of those days. I should probably be doing a third about the One Lovely Blog Award, but maybe tomorrow.

I never miss an episode of Glee. I love the show for everything it is and all the issues it addresses. And for those of you who didn't watch tonight, tonight's episode was about faith....and grief. Because I am always reminded that the two really go hand in hand. Many of us BLM's question our faith when grief first rears it's ugly head. We wonder how our God could let us lose our babies. Many of us prayed for healthy children and lost them.

I don't write much on my blog about faith. I tend to keep it pretty personal and to myself. Because I don't like being pushed, I do my best not to push.

So I'll quit here tonight. I just wanted to make the point that I really understand now that the two go hand in hand through this journey. And thank you to the producers of Glee for tonight's episode. I know it was controversial, but I am sure it was well received.

Congratulations, You Made Me Cry

Dear Whoever,

I went to your website today to reorder my birth control, which I shouldn't have to order at all. When I go to re-order online, I am told that it cannot be processed until I CALL to have my credit card registered. And instead of giving me a number to call, I am instructed to dial the number on the back of my id card. And here's the first of the problems....the number on the back of my id card is for Pharmacy X when you are Pharmacy Z. Seriously??? And nowhere on your site is a number to try and call.

So I call the number for Pharmacy X. I am then sent through menu after menu and cannot find anywhere an option that suits my needs. Even when I verbally select none of these, I am sent to another menu with no applicable options. In my frustration I hang up and search your site once more. And find nothing.

So I call a second time and after being juggled around for 10 minutes I finally talk to someone. Then, when trying to verify my address, I am given an address I had FIVE years ago! Really? You guys just sent me a Rx 3 months ago to my current address. And the operator acts confused. Then she asks me what I need. I tell her the story and that I just need to register my credit card so I can get my Rx re-ordered. She says, well you need to call pharmacy Z, they have to handle that. At some point the tears start to well up and she decides to let me know that she can transfer me. Then she said a bunch more stuff which I really couldn't understand and I hear music.

After five or so minutes, I get somebody in with a quiet background that is much nicer and that can help me. I register my card and ask for a direct number so that when my card expires in Jan I can register my new one.

I hate that I had to go through all of this when I really shouldn't have to. There is no EASY button for us BLMs and it sucks. If the twins were here, I wouldn' t need birth control. If I hadn't have had to have an emergency c-section, I wouldn't be having to wait. If things would have worked according to mine and Willy's plan, none of this would be an issue. It's hard enough having to deal with being on birth control in general, why does there have to be so many hoops to get something that I really don't want in the first place? And I hate that when I am finally feeling really good, that I get brought down some so soon.

So there's my ramble for the day. I didn't cry for long, it was mainly tears of frustration. Now I am off to eat some Kraft Mac N Cheese Spirals.

Sunday, October 3, 2010

4 Months and an Act of Great Kindness

Dear Lucas and Caleb,

Well, babies, in true mommy style I didn't get all the memorials of your names together for this post. But I will, I promise.

I can't believe it has been four months since we said good-bye to you. This past month has been a tough one. Your due date was on the 17th and it hit with a vengeance. The two weeks leading up to it was almost as tough as the two week after your birth. Really tough. I cried more than I had in months, and harder I must add. I have not only been reminded of losing you, but how things were supposed to be right now. We miss you every single day, babies.

But, instead of going on and on about how hard and sad this month was, I wanted to share with you something a good friend of mommy's did for us. His name is Chad and I have known him since high school. He has been travelling through Australia this year. A month or so ago I contacted him and asked if he was headed to Mullaloo beach. As many of my BLM friends know, this beach is special. It is where Carly ( the names of angels at sunset and takes beautiful pictures. After your names were written, I felt this incredible need for some sand from here.

I asked Chad that if he were to be close, if he could bottle some up for me to keep with you on your shelf. He wrote back with his apologies for our loss and said he wasn't going to make it over there during this trip. But that he had a friend who would and that she would get some sand, get it to him, and he would get it to me. Well, imagine my surprise when I saw pictures of Chad gathering sand on Mulallo Beach this morning. I cried happy tears that I thought I could never cry again.

The two of you have touched so many hearts. Lucas and Caleb, you to are so special and loved. I feel lucky to be your mommy and to have known you as much as I did. And even though there are times when I feel cheated in losing you, I also feel honored for being chosen to be your mommy and to be able to share you and the impacts you make in this world. We love you two so much!

Love, Mommy

Here are the pictures from the beach.

Thank you with all my heart, Chad!

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