Five Years Part 1

Five years ago yesterday we found out we were having twins.  They were pretty sure they were identical, but they were growing well.  Our life was headed for a HUGE change.  I remember Willy and I asking the technician if she was joking.  We were shocked.  And I was really excited.  Everyone was. I still remember many details from that day. Riding home from the doctor, thinking how I was going to be a mom of twins.  I always wanted twins, not sure why, but I did.  I remember telling Dru at work and how excited she was.  IT was a huge birthday surprise! She told the entire dining center in one loud announcement.  There were phone calls and emails.  This was really going to happen.

Here's the first blog post when we announced here and began the journey.
http://earlstwins.blogspot.com/2010_02_01_archive.html
I was so excited to share with the world our experiences being pregnant and raising twins, along with two other boys.

And here I am five years later.  I still feel a sting when I wake up on February 18th.  I woke up in a bad mood yesterday, but couldn't place it until the afternoon. I know the next three and a half months are going to have some hard moments, days when the tears just flow.  I know by now to embrace those days for what they are. They are now moments when I can just stop and concentrate on the two little boys who aren't running around, adding to our wonderful chaos.

I miss them dearly.  I hate that there are days when I am just so busy with our four living sons, that they don't cross my mind except for a fleeting thought.  Their picture is by the bed, I say goodnight every night.  I packed most of their shelf away when we listed the house on the market.  I am so looking forward to putting it back up one day when we move.

Five years ago, it hadn't crossed my mind yet that this was the journey laid out for us.  There has been incredible heart-wrenching pain, but there has been indescribable joy also.  There were days when I didn't believe I would ever be happy again, and now most days I am blown away by happiness I feel.

The healing that has been brought is amazing.  I love that there are friends and family that continue to love, mention, remember, and embrace Lucas and Caleb.  There will always be a hole where they belong, but being surrounded by such amazing people softens the edges that were once very jagged.

Not So Loud This Year

I'm doing surprisingly well this week. Grief is a little quieter.  I know it could change in 15 minutes, but I've been feeling better than expected all week.  The holiday weekend brought fun and no tears (minus the hormonal breakdown surrounding house stuff).  After the way May began I really expected to be a basket case by now. I am embracing the great moments and happy days.  Maybe this year will be easier.  I am still waiting for Saturday to come and for me to feel broken. But maybe it'll be a little more gentle this year.

I've had a few flashbacks this week, but nothing like it's been in the past.  Tomorrow marks four years since my water broke. I know I'll glance at the clock for the next several days, remembering what was going on at different times.  It's how it is, my reality now.  Five days of remembering uncertainty, hope, grief, and more love than one can ever imagine.  Four years out I can pull positive feelings out of it all.  God has shown and given me so much grace through all this.  And this year I am really trying to focus more on the amazing gifts Lucas and Caleb left me.

We have a wonderful, but quiet, family day planned for Sunday.  I am looking forward to spending time with Willy and the boys.  We're going to fish, eat, play, and swim in a quiet area of an area lake.  It's going to be a time of celebrating family togetherness, and Lucas and Caleb.  This time of year the dragonflies are flying about, hovering over the water.  What better place to celebrate Lucas and Caleb's lives than by a lake where the dragonflies will join us.

I know that with the house stuff, being 15 weeks pregnant (YAY), and the boys beginning summer vacation today has helped me through the beginning of this week.  We are so busy, trying to wrap up stuff, keep the house clean, and chasing Simon.  That boy ran around the house for over 30 minutes last night.  I love the enjoyed chaos of our life.  There are still times when I can sense the hole that is in our family.  But the sting isn't always as intense any longer.  Most times it's a thought that comes and goes with a short stab.  Once in awhile I have to time to let it really soak in.  Willy and I will talk about it, and Lucas and Caleb, some.  We appreciate the moment together.  Then some boy comes running through yelling like a crazed monkey and body slams another boy or Willy. 

Speaking of crazed monkeys, the youngest has woke up.

The oldest two boys watching tv together.  I truly hope they always love each other like this.

 

Pregnant in the Spring

 



My body seems to have a knack for being pregnant in the spring.  Turkey makes #4 pregnancy due between September and November.  Before Lucas and Caleb, springtime pregnancy was no big deal. But now it's tough.  Spring arriving means their birthday is around the corner.  May is creeping up quickly and with a roar this year. 

This time of year, they are so close to the surface of my heart and mind.  I think about them throughout the day, most days.  I'm not so graceful when I answer questions about my current pregnancy this time of year.  The questions about this is what number of pregnancies, or how many kids have you had.  Three boys at home, you might still get that girl.  I just want to put my hands on my hips and say, "I've had FIVE boys."  And most months throughout the year, I only wish to say it, but in April and May, I most likely am saying something along those lines.  I've informed so many people the last week or so who ask how my fourth pregnancy is going that this is actually my fifth.  I often let them know it's my fifth, and that it's tough this time.  Then afterwards, I feel a little guilty for not filtering my words and just letting theirs slide by.

And there is always the age gap question.  Why so many years between your first two and Simon and this one?  I try to dance gently around it most the time, but lately I share my two baby boys with whoever is asking.  I grip their necklace (which I wear most days throughout the spring) and explain to them we lost two baby boys four years ago.  And I always feel like I've ruined their day or something.  But being emotional and getting into grief season, I just let it all pour out.

We've already received some looks and comments when people notice we're having our "fourth" child.  I often want to add to their shock by telling them baby is actually number six.  And if it's a random stranger in the store who asks me if Lil Turkey is number two, I find my self saying number six.  Because Lucas and Caleb were here, they count, their pregnancy mattered.  It took it's own toll on my body as have the other pregnancies. 

So there's my sharing for the week.  I'm not planning on weekly updates this time around, but maybe on even or odd weeks, or just when I find the time to share.  I am sure more posts over the next couple of months will deal with grief, though I am really trying to focus on the joy of this life growing inside of me.  I am so grateful for this little one.

There is Still Pain.

I'm writing this in two parts.  Before and After.  A way to see what I expect and reality of what happens.

 

Today I am closing another chapter in grief.  It's been almost three years since I took down Lucas and Caleb's room and packed it away.  I remember everything just being thrown in their room before I came home from the hospital and a black sheet being hung in the doorway as a wall to block me from seeing it.  I remember the first time I peeked in there, and I remember so vividly packing away everything in there.  Each pair of outfits, each pair of pair of shoes, each pair of hats.

 

Today I am giving away to a close friend the items I didn't put in their keep tote.  The big items that we bought and have stored for three years and the matching outfits for them.  I have had the intention for the past three years to sell them one day, then to donate them.  But I never went all the way through it. 

 

But it is time to let go, and I know these items are meant for this new growing family.  I have known for years (wow crazy) that one day someone close to me would be expecting twin baby boys.  Deep, deep down in my heart, the feeling was there.  The time is here, and I am as ready as I can ever be.

 

To be honest this hurts.  It's not a pain I can label, but the tears are falling.  This is a huge step that I've known I would one day have to make.  I feel it is a necessary step in order to continue moving forward on this journey.  I know the items bought for Lucas and Caleb were bought out of love for those two little boys, and that the two little boys that will use them will be loved just as much. 

 

I am nervous about conversation with C and L (just realized the initials of the couple everything is going to).  I have no idea how I will feel, but I am sure they will be gracious.  They know my heart is tender right now and that this is hard for me….harder than I anticipated.  But I will let things flow as they will, and let it all be.

                  ***************************************************************

 

I've done it! And I feel good.  It wasn't too awkward and there were no tears during the visit.  I am glad it's over, and glad the things that were theirs will now be used instead of collecting dust. 

 

Conversation wasn't forced, and was kept pretty light.  We talked about being pregnant in the summer and how much hotter it is.  L was really excited when we were looking through some of the outfits and they both expressed how grateful they are to be given this stuff. 

 

I feel lighter now.  And I feel happy in a way.  It's hard to explain, but I really do.  I am glad I walked through this, and didn’t run away as I was tempted to.  I am glad I let myself feel what I needed to, and am now able to smile.  And I know that I have healed a little more.

 

36 Weeks (9 months)

No more than 4 weeks left until I am holding my baby boy in my arms!  What a wonderful thought!

 

Simon size:  18.5 inches 6 lbs or so

 

Weight gain: 30 lbs

 

Symptoms: Everything you can have at 36 weeks.  I feel like a definite 36 week pregnant woman.

 

How I feel:  Pretty good in general.  I am tired and sore, but not like I was at this point with Colton.

 

Cravings: Sweet stuff.  And KFC chicken and cole slaw.

 

Best Part of Last Week:  Where to begin...2 baby showers and NST

 

Looking forward to: Shopping with Dru this weekend!!!!!

 

Let's see here....

 

We had our baby shower on Saturday!  Loved it, loved it!  There is a post that will be separate all about it.  Way too much to write and keep you here.  But I have to say I am blessed with the most amazing friends and family! I cannot wait to tell Simon all about all the love!  Will quit here before I get carried away....I plan on posting about the shower in detail tomorrow!

 

Monday was Ethan's first day of Pre-K.  Another separate posts with pictures.  He was so excited to go back to school!!

 

Monday was my 36 weeks appointment.  Weekly appointments now.  It is so hard to believe we are at this point.  It seems surreal a lot of the time.  Simon is measuring back on track.  Silly boy really grows in spurts.  Dr. L. checked me since we've been having regular contractions for a couple of weeks now.  Much to every one's surprise I haven't begun to dilate yet.  Huh?  Guess he's in there for a bit longer.  When she asked about Simon moving, I mentioned he had been sluggish.  She asked if he was moving enough for me to be reassured and I answered with yes.  She left to get the paperwork and said she'd be right back.

 

I sat there and thought about it.  I felt like I really may not be reassured by his movements.  That this might be our chance if something is wrong to find it.  What if something was wrong, and I didn't speak up?  What if we lost him, and I could have known and didn't say anything. I would live with that forever.  And why in the world do I have to have these thoughts running through my head.  The doubt.  So when she came back in, I told her maybe I wasn't feeling so good about it all.  She said she understood, and that we'd get me hooked up.

 

She sent me down the hall to the NST room.  The nurse came in, laid me in super comfy recliner, and hooked me up.  We talked about why I was there.  When I explained about my heightened anxiety due to losing Lucas and Caleb, she said she completely understood.  Dr. L. came in after about 5 minutes to see how things were going.  I have to say I am so grateful for having the doctors and nurses I have.  They truly care about Simon and I, and they show it.  Simon passed the NST.  Dr. L. said we couldn't ask for a more perfect score! And I feel the best emotionally that I have felt in weeks.

 

On Tuesday, I was all set to stay home in pj pants and a tank top.  I was going to finish getting ready for Simon and enjoy a day at home.  Willy called and BEGGED me to have lunch with him.  I told him I really wanted to stay home.  After some coaxing, I gave in and headed over there.  The girls in his office threw a surprise baby shower for us! How very wonderful!  I was so surprised and excited.  They are really wonderful, and again, I just feel so blessed.  We had a great time, and they bought some wonderful gifts for Simon and I.  Not to mention HUGE chocolate bars for Colton and Ethan.

 

Well, here are some pictures from last week!



 

 

Kristan and Tina.  They threw the shower for us!  I truly love these two women.  A girl couldn't ask for better friends.  I could go on and on, but another post.  Remember?

 

 The shoes I wore!  I paid $1.50 for them in July and had to have them for the shower.  I love them, and others seemed to enjoy taking pictures of them.

36 weeks belly shot.  

The corner above the changing table.  Love how it came together.

Simon's bag is packed.  Notice the pair of shoes peeking out.  hehe

36 weeks with Simon

 

36 weeks with Colton

36 weeks with Ethan

 

24 weeks with Lucas and Caleb.  I miss them, but know they are ever so close as Simon's arrival draws nearer.

Have a great week! I will post about the shower soon, I promise!!

Hmmm....

I'm doing much better this week.  I feel like all is falling back into place (it's new place), and I'm back on track.  The weight I'd been carrying for a couple of weeks is gone now, and I can get back to being a mom and wife.

I've been super busy with Colton's school fall festival.  I can't believe it's almost here.  I was told yesterday that it was "my baby."  How funny. I thought about that some.  And there's some dark humor that is going to come out I am sure.  But I really remember when this fall festival was just an idea.  It was mentioned in passing during a phone conversation with M about becoming the events chair for the PTA.  I thought, yeah it sounds like a good idea.  I remember when deciding to have a baby was like that.  Yeah, let's do it. Get pregnant, carry baby, deliver baby, go home.

When the school  year started, we really began working hard to organize things.  My ideas began to come to life as I made lists and prepared orders. I remember how I would make lists while preparing for Lucas and Caleb.  Things we needed, who to invite to shower, meals to freeze, contacts for when they were born.  With each list, their movements increased, and they were closer to be born, being in my arms.

Then orders were placed, and items started coming in, piling up in my dining room. We bought so much for them.  And everything set up, clothes washed, and shoes organized.  We had SO much stuff and were so ready for Lucas and Caleb.

Now it's a waiting game.  Almost everything is done, we are just waiting for next Friday to arrive.  I have watched this fall festival grow and become so real.  We were just waiting for weeks to pass.  Watching them and my belly grow, ready to meet them.

I have a small fear that we'll do all this work, and no one will come.  I know this fear is probably unwarrented.  I've prepared and expected before, only to be crushed.  Fear and uncertainty is what I know now.

So here's to hoping it all goes well.  That we have a great turn-out and everyone has a great time!

May 30th...2010 and 2011

May 30th, 2010.







My dad arrived at the hospital in the afternoon for love and support. The day was filled with anticipation. And we passed the 24 hour mark, only 24 to go until the steroids did their job, and we were on safer ground. I watched tv in my room and visited with those that cam by to share their love and prayers. And I used the bedpan some more. ( I really was not a fan.)



When my dad arrived, Willy headed out for a few hours to take a shower and pick up some stuff from home to move to the hospital for my 12 week stay.

The lilies around the pond in front bloomed that morning...just as they did yesterday morning.






Here Willy is wearing his Father of Twins shirt and playing video games. He went out and bought a cord to rig the car dvd player up so he could play games and sit with me.
(The shirt is now in the twin's tote. I also still have hurt feelings towards the person that made the comment, "A little pre-mature, don't you think," when he first wore it. I guess it's a good thing I don't remember who it was, just that it was said.)

My very last belly shot. The belt barely fit, and it was often tight and we would have to move it. You can see how my belly was squeezed some here.

I asked Willy to bring me a bag of peanut M&M's. I got three different types and TONS of them. I love my husband so much. And I haven't had an M&M since these were gone. They remind me so much of my stay, and the days after.

May 30th, 2011

Today has been much easier than I had anticipated. The holiday weekend, Willy being off today reset the DAY/DATE conundrum. I am quite appreciative of that. Since the 30th was the "quiet" day in the bunch, today also seemed to play the part. We planned to spend the day at White Water with the boys and the Gipsons.

Family photo taken with the timer on my back-up camera.

Colton's splash...

Colton at the bottom of the tube slide.

Ethan at the bottom of the slide.

Colton and Riley playing together.

The boys played hard! We went down ALOT of water slides. Ethan even came out of his shell and went down the big ones. Crazy fun! I am glad we decided on the season passes, as we will probably spend alot of time there this summer.

Ethan sleeping so hard he was drooling. We wore those two little boys out.

Also on the way home, Willy attempted to miss an alligator snapping turtle, by driving over it. Well, the turtle's shell did some damage to my van.

DETROYED these pieces! And part stores don't normally carry them, so he has to call the dealer. This means I am STUCK at home for a few days, a few days that I really don't need to be stuck at home. And the end result....emotional crash. I lost my mind all of a sudden. The day had been going so well. I had avoided thoughts that would hurt, for the most part. I even saw pregnant women in bikinis and held it together, easily. Oh well, I guess it might just be a precursor to tomorrow, the 31st. Lucas' angelversary.

Here we go......

Memorial Weekend Saturday

I changed the format of comments, hopefully making it easier to comment. I've received messages that comments aren't posting on several blogs recently. It'll come up as a pop up window.

I am not sure how I feel today. I guess I can say I feel better than I thought I would, but that probably means it'll really suck tomorrow. Or it could be that I have avoided these thoughts thus far this morning, and I'm about to be hit by a truck, make it a train.

First, this is the anniversary, 5/28, of the last post I wrote while pregnant with Lucas and Caleb. I was so happy. I was completely clueless. Although I honestly feel that deep down inside, in a place I didn't want to visit, I knew these babies were not for this world.

Today, this Saturday, is the Saturday it all began to go downhill, quickly. We woke up like normal, and spent the morning planning our holiday weekend. It was going to be low-key since I was to take it easy. I had bought a maternity belt the night before and it made a HUGE difference in how I felt. We headed to the mall around 10:00 to meet a couple who we were buying a play yard for off craigslist. We already have one, but wanted another to let the twins play in as they became more mobile. We placed it in the back of the van, chatted about expecting two more little boys with the couple who had chosen to stop with one.

We had some lunch, then headed to the McGregor pool to meet Kristan and her boys. It was definitely a warm day and the first day the pool was open. We arrived and there were grandparents there with two sets of twin grandchildren. One set was boy/boy and the other boy/girl. They lived across the street and said that they brought them over often when giving the parents a break. We talked about how special twins were, and how much fun it was going to be. We probably talked for 20 minutes about it. I was happy, excited, ready for it all.

We all sat in the pool and enjoyed the cool water. Willy played with the three older boys, and Thomas hung out with Kristan and I. I was enjoying the weightlessness-ish of being in the pool. Lucas was flipping around and Caleb was kicking and pushing my ribs on the right. He hung out there alot. I gently rubbed him a little to make it more comfortable. We did this alot. He'd kick and push around my ribs and I would give him some love. Then he would stretch out and get more comfortable.

After leaving the pool, we headed home for naptime. The boys went upstairs to sleep and I took my post on the couch, close to the bathroom. I fell asleep quickly, and Willy played a game on the computer. At about 2:30 I felt a spurt of wetness. I jumped up and went to the bathroom. I didn't know what it was, but feared my water had began to leak. I had read about it some, but didn't really want to believe it. Maybe Lucas had just pushed heavily down on my bladder or something. We decided to keep an eye on it.

Nothing else really happened for a couple hours so we headed out to Mike and Dru's to drop the kids off for the night. We were there about 20 minutes when I went to the bathroom and noticed some pink. I immediately became scared, knowing what this probably meant. We left the boys and headed to the hospital. We talked on the way there about what this could mean. They would simply admit me and keep me in the hospital for 12 more weeks. We would have to re-arrange things with Colton and Ethan. Mike and Dru would help with them and some stuff around the house, and Willy would work from home a few days a week. We had this.

We arrived at the hospital and lay in triage for what seemed like hours. They had a hard time determining whether or not my water had broke. They did an ultrasound and measured Lucas and Caleb. They measured right on track, 3 ounces apart. They couldn't find the sac line with this machine, but both babies were swimming freely around. After a few hours, and several tests, a tech popped her head in to tell the nurse that one of my bags had ruptured.

I will never forget the way I felt at that very moment. Up until that moment I had hoped with all I had that it was something silly. But this was really happening. We asked the nurse what it meant. She said they would admit me for the rest of my pregnancy. She said that they have women who come in and stay the last 12-16 weeks of their pregnancies and they have healthy, full-term babies. I took a deep breath and made phone calls while waiting for the on-call doctor to come in with the plan.

Dr. N came in and checked me to make sure I wasn't dilating or anything. We talked some about my pregnancy. She told me she had 10 month twin boys at home and that we were in for some fun when we brought Lucas and Caleb home. She told the nurses to start me on steroids and that I needed to be using a bedpan. She then said the first 48 hours were critical. If I could get the steroids in me for 48 hours, they would help with lung and brain maturity. And if I didn't go into labor, then we would be on a much safer side of all this. We needed to get them to 25 weeks and 2 lbs for them to have a much higher chance of surviving, and much lower chance of complications. I thought, "No problem." We got this.

We settled in for the night. A night with little sleep, but full of hope for the next several weeks.

I can't believe this weekend is already here. I have been pulling away from it for so long. I can't believe how much changed. I wish more than anything in the world that it all ended differently. I wish I knew, really knew, that babies die. I don't think I enjoyed those last days with them as much as I could have. I loved them, talked to them all the time, but I also watched the clock, groaned about using the bedpan. I would have taken more pictures, requested to watch them longer on ultrasounds.

ToDAY

This Tuesday, a year ago started out normal enough. I woke up, ate breakfast with Willy and the boys and took my post on the couch. Dru called late morning to see if I wanted to get the boys out of the house for awhile, and I quickly agreed. She came by, picked us up, and we headed to McDonalds for some lunch and play. The boys played while Dru and I sat and visited.

We then headed to Wal-Mart so we could pick up a few things. She convinced me I needed to ride one of the chair carts. I found one and LOVED it! It was really fun to zoom around and I could move faster. She took the boys over to grocery while I looked for some new gym shorts to wear. I accidentally bumped another lady's cart and we talked for a few about Lucas and Caleb and Colton and Ethan. The trip wasn't very long and I was beginning to tire.

We came home, and I put the boys down for a nap. Dru headed back to her house and I reclined back on the couch for some quiet time. At about 2:15 I started to feel contractions again. They were coming every 5 minutes or so and lasting about 45-60 seconds. I watched them for an hour and a half and decided to call my dr. They recommended me to come in and be checked.

I called Dru and waited for her and Willy to arrive. I packed the boys' suitcase and just prayed for everything to be okay.

When we arrived at Labor and Delivery, there were comments about how big I was, and my weigh was noted. The first time in my life I was over 200lbs! I laid down, and they played hide-and-seek with Lucas and Caleb. They hooked me up to a monitor to record the contractions. After a few hours they decided to keep me overnight for monitoring, but felt confident they were only Braxton Hicks.

The night was long, neither Willy or I slept much. Nurses were in and out. We learned if I stayed off my back, the BH would subside for awhile. The nurses spent over 45 minutes that morning trying to get both Lucas and Caleb's heartrates at the same time. We laughed so much. My boys had personality. Dr. L. came in Wednesday morning and said they were BH and to just take it really easy. She said both sacs had extra fluid and that my uterus was irritated, causing the BH.

I left knowing the next 13 weeks would be tough, but confident we would make it through it. Afterall, I had two beautiful babies growing inside of me.

I came downstairs this morning to that scent that was here last Tuesday. It only hangs around for 30 seconds or so, but it brings deja-vu. A week from today we arrive at Lucas' angelversary. I am sure Monday will seem more like the day than Tuesday, as that is the way it is so far. I am trying to pack full my schedule so I don't have to debate what the boys and I are going to do. I feel worn out, would much rather lie on the couch and do absolutely nothing. But that is pretty close to what I was doing this time last year. And I don't want that either.

This all hurts. I think it is more than enough that we have to live through this once. Now having to re-live it all just plain sucks. I hate it all and this next week is for the birds. I know the time will pass and I will make it through, just as everyone before me has. But that doesn't make the pain any less.

02/21/11

I want to start off by saying how absolutely beautiful last week was. The boys and I were outside every day! And we had 3 crazy fun packed days that really wore us out. And I am so grateful for that.

Friday, February 18th, was the one year anniversary of when we found out we were having twins. I woke up and felt it through my whole body. My started to replay scenes from that amazing day, but I kept stopping them. I didn't want to think about it. Colton had to get to school and I had MOPS. I did breakdown in bed with Willy for a few minutes. Then fixed my hair, picked out jewelry, and put on make-up.

The meeting was great! Before was tough since I forgot that it was pajama day for Colton at school and that he was supposed to bring saltine crackers. I felt like a crappy mom, but knew my mind was in other places. He didn't really notice, though. After the meeting, Alicia approached me and invited me to lunch with some other moms, Amy and Jennifer. All three moms have twins in kindergarten, I met them through MOPS and MOMS. And I really felt today was a good day to do this. Big step, no HUGE step for me. And it wasn't hard. It was really fun. After lunch, we picked up Colton and headed to the park where some other MOPS moms were at. Lots of running and rolling down hills.

The day was good. Saturday was good. Sunday we were exhausted. The boys went to bed at 6:30 and I followed by 10:00. As I was pulling down the blankets, I caught the picture of Lucas and Caleb out of the corner of my eye. I picked it up, dusted off the glass and the tears began to fall. Sad tears, guilt tears, tears of disbelief. I felt sad that they aren't here with me, physically. I felt guilty that there was dust on their picture, that I hadn't really looked at their picture in days. And I couldn't believe we had really been through all this.

I felt like I had done myself and my grief an injustice for not taking the time on Friday, a big day for them a year ago, to really let myself grieve. I did last night. I held their picture close, then placed it on my lap and traced their faces like I used to last summer. I talked to them, told them how much I loved them and miss them. And replayed all those moments from a year ago. The surprise, the fear, the pride, and the excitement. I remembered how special I felt to be blessed with twins, how awesome and fun it was going to be, how we were going to be part of the cool new parenting club. Then it was all ripped away and I was placed in the babyloss club. How unfair!

I wonder now if I am going about all this the right way. I keep myself, and my family, busy. We don't have much down time, especially when hard days are approaching. I know that if I am busy and having fun, then I don't have time to dwell on the sadness of what's missing. But then I really don't give myself that time to be sad. It eventually hits, and it can hit pretty hard. I don't know.

Below is the video I took the day we found out. We had decided to keep a video diary of the pregnancy in the very beginning. The diary came to an end around 18 weeks when I was just too tired to keep up with it. If I would have only known at the time...

Blubberings

They say comfort comes with familiarity. I agree. It seems even the familiarity of tears can bring comfort. As I was driving home from dropping Colton off, they began to freely flow. The warmth of their wetness coming down my cheeks, the salty taste on my lips, it all brought comfort. My thought, "Well hello, dear friends." And then the peace followed. I feel better, mostly. The residual ache and exhaustion is hanging around. But that is also familiar. I know it, and today I welcome it.

What brought this on really caught me off guard. Tonight is our MOPS Valentine's Banquet. I was going through my closet, looking for a shirt for today, and came across the sweater I bought last year for the banquet. I was 9 weeks pregnant that night. I was showing, but not enough to warrant a maternity shirt quite yet. I searched several stores for the perfect sweater. And I was so happy to show off my baby belly that night.

The one moment that remember well from that night was a conversation I had with A while in line for food. She was expecting #3 any day and had a set of 5 year old twins. We were joking about how I might be pregnant with twins. How is seemed coincidental that her and another twin mom were the first moms to approach me at my first MOPS meeting, and how my MIL and grandmother both talked about us having twins, before we even conceived. Here we were, joking around about it, not knowing that there were really two little babies growing inside of me.

As I was thinking about this, pulling out of the parking lot, the question came to me. How could we all know I was having twins before they were conceived, but no one knew they wouldn't survive, no one knew we would fall victims to TTTS? I mean, really? I get it, deep down inside, but on the surface, it just hurts....a lot.

I really want to just stay home in my pajamas tonight and watch junk tv. I've made a committment, though. I have centerpieces to put together, a room to decorate, and friends to spend time with. And I am sure I'll feel better once I get there and am surrounded by the love. But I am afraid of losing it there, with Willy by my side. This is supposed to be a night for romance, not grief.

Again, I truly hate you grief!

One Year ago, the journey began...

Well, even though I refused to look at a calendar, I still know what today is. A year ago this morning we learned we were expecting. TTC had been a rollercoaster since my cycle was crazy out of whack.

I had been sick for two nights. VERY SICK! I had spent more time in front of the toilet than on the couch. I had called a friend, Danielle, who brought me tons of supplies to get better at 1:30am. And when she dropped them off, she asked if I had a pregnancy test. I told her yes. She said to take it in the morning. I did and here it is.

I'm feeling a little sad today. Not as sad as I will feel as other upcoming dates approach. Just wish this all would have ended differently.

Filing Our Taxes

We filed our taxes tonight. It's one of the last things that we have to do to wrap up the year of tears. I know I've talked before how frustrated I felt that Lucas and Caleb were treated so differently by all the state and federal laws. Such as Lucas not receiving a birth certificate or SSN. How that even though he was born, he wasn't to "them". But what can you do? I know many others have had it harder.

Well, since Caleb was with us for a short (too short) time, he did receive a social security number, allowing us to claim him as a dependent this year. The first time I thought about it, I thought, "How morbid!" But when you think about it, it's something. And claiming him will help pay the hospital bills. You know the ones you have to pay to deliver a baby(ies) that didn't get to come home with you.

So we get on the website, check the "Lifestyle changes" boxes which included: have a new baby and loss of a loved one. We click okay and see this:

How nice it must be to be able to assume that just because you deliver a baby, it's a happy occasion.

I know this sounds doom and gloom. I am really doing really well, and only teared up once through the whole process tonight. That one time would be when Willy pulled out "the envelope" to get Caleb's SSN. I left the room as I have yet to glance at the contents. Next year, I will leave the room when we have to change our dependent info....maybe there will be a gift to make it a little more gentle.

Oh, and to end on a chuckle (morbid sense of humor alert)...At the end of filing they wanted us to fill out a survey with an open spot for additional comments at the bottom. My first thought was, "Thank you for celebrating my dead babies." Willy and I laughed at each other and he typed something more like how it was really easy to use and such.

TTTS Awareness Day 2010

Today is TTTS Awareness Day. My Lucas and Caleb were lost very quickly to Twin to Twin Transfusion Syndrome. Awareness and Education about TTTS is very important in diagnosing and fighting this disease of the placenta and saving the lives of identical twin babies. Doctors and mommies alike should be aware of this disease, the symptoms, and the different treatments AS SOON AS an identical twin pregnancy with the twins sharing a placenta is found. I will be lighting a candle for Lucas at 5:10pm and one for Caleb at 5:15pm tonight.

I knew about TTTS from February 18, 2010. The day I found out we were having Lucas and Caleb. I came across it in my crazy search about twins. I came across the TTTS site and scanned the information. I saw that a difference in weights and/or amniotic fluid was a symptom to really watch for. I put this in the back of my mind, trusting that my doctor was also watching for this from the beginning.

At each appt, the boys weighed very nearly the same, and the amount of fluid was similar. At my 22 week appt, we learned that BOTH sacs had excess fluid. I searched everywhere and I couldn't find a correlation between both sacs having excess fluid and TTTS. I went to the hospital on May 24th due to Braxton Hicks contractions that had become pretty consistent and were coming every 3-4 minutes. They kept me overnight, and released me the next morning. I had gained some weight pretty fast, but both Lucas and Caleb looked great and there was visually no signs of TTTS.

On Saturday, July 28th, I was taking a nap, rolled over and felt a gush of water. Not like gallons, but more like I may have wet myself. After a few hours, and seeing a little pink, we decided to head to Labor and Delivery to be checked. I will NEVER forget being told that one of my bags had ruptured. But, the babies weighed within 3oz of each other, and there seemed to be plenty of fluid in both sacs. Bedrest for the remainder of my pregnancy was on order. And no mention of TTTS.

On Monday, May 31st, at 7:30 or so, I started having real contractions. They came in to check Lucas and Caleb. They brought in an ultrasound machine to find them. We saw them both, moving, or so we thought. At around 8:30pm, we learned Lucas had gone to Heaven. I was diagnosed with early acute TTTS. The perinatologist said she had NEVER seen TTTS hit so quickly this early in a twin pregnancy. My OB said the same thing over and over again to me throughout the following weeks.

Both babies were born 4 hours later by emergency c-section. Caleb was already "stuck", or shrink wrapped, by his amniotic sac. When he was born, his left leg had been without circulation for some time and his kidneys had already shut down. He also suffered a severe brain bleed. 25 hours after entering this world, he grew his wings and left, taken by TTTS also.

I know I was where I needed to be, Lucas and Caleb were carefully watched, and TTTS still took them. I have had TONS of guilt off and on throughout all this. I often wish I had taken the 15 questions off the TTTS website and asked the Ultrasound techs those questions at every appt, if that would have saved my babies. I know this was out of my hands, but the mommy part of me feels I'm to blame at times. (Not near as often as it used to be) But what keeps me sane is knowing that I was in the right place, being monitored, and there is nothing else I could have done for my sweet Lucas and Caleb.

I have made some really amazing friends through this TTTS journey and the one thing that really sticks out is Awareness and Education. And I know that when I hear of a mommy carrying identical twins with a shared placenta, I will congratulate her, then ask her to check out the TTTS Foundations website. And I will ask her to please take it seriously. I don't want to be Doom and Gloom, I just want her to know how REAL this really is, and how when you beat the 0.4% of conceiving identical twins, the 20% chance of TTTS isn't so large.

100th Post Giveaway!!!

100 Posts! Wow, I can't believe I have shared that much of my life with the world in 8 months! And being 100 posts brings home the fact that I've survived more than 100 days on this journey. Feels pretty good to be here. I am excited and will announce the giveaway after getting out all the mushy stuff.

Back in February, I thought it would be a great idea to share our twin pregnancy with friends and family who weren't close. And as I was setting up this blog, I thought about how fun it would be to share all their antics as they grew older. The blog was going to be about our whole family and how much fun life was with two more little monkeys running around. Check here for the very first post and others written during the pregnancy.

On May 31st, 2010 our world began to quickly crumble as we learned that we lost Lucas. I'll never forget every little detail of those hours and days surrounding us as we learned that he was gone. June 1st found us delivering both twins shortly after midnight, and June 2nd found us saying good-bye to his brother, Caleb.

A few weeks after saying good-bye to our perfect little babies, I searched frantically online for others who had been or currently were where I was. My search wasn't very productive that first day. But on day 2 I found the Grieve Out Loud site and Glow in the Woods. Both these sites had blogrolls that I began to check out. I soon decided that I wanted to continue blogging. Even though it was painful at first, the amount of healing that came with it was very much welcome. I soon found many other moms out there that were fresh in this journey. A few months later Kristin began Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope. This is the site that everyone knew was needed, but never did what it took to get it started. Thank you, Kristin, so much!!!! I am really looking forward to the future of Faces of Loss!

I have made so many amazing women through this blog and reading their blogs. This community that nobody wants to be a part of is fabulous. Everyone has the biggest hearts and it always reminds me how unfair babyloss is.

So I want to thank everyone who reads my blog, comments on it, and follows it. Every comment adds so much happiness to my day. Thank you all so much for your support. I know I wouldn't be as far through this as I am without each and every one of you!

I am going to give away 10 hand-made Christmas cards!!! I will do a drawing on November 1st and have them mailed out by November 10th, so that you get them in time to write and address them. To enter, you leave a comment for this post and/or sign up as a follower of the blog. If you do both, then you'll be entered twice.

I am really looking forward to this. It's my first giveaway and I am so very grateful for all of you! It has been a rollercoaster ride. You've shared happiness and many, many tears with me. I am looking forward to the next 100 posts!

More Steps Taken

Yesterday was our MOPS kick-off party. We have it every year to sign up new members and reconnect with everyone before our meetings start up again. It is so much fun and the kids really have a good time. This year, though, I knew it was going to be a hard one.

Last year was my first year for MOPS. I came to the kick-off party knowing no one. I was sitting at a table watching Colton and Ethan play when two moms came up and sat on either side of me. They introduced themselves as Amy and Alicia and said they had 4 year old twins. Amy boy-girl and Alicia boy-boy. Now, Willy and I were just TTC and my grandma and his mom had already said it would be twins this time around. I laughed it off quite a bit, and then I meet these two wonderful women. I thought to myself, how funny, maybe it might be twins. We talked some and I got to know them some. And then Willy and I conceived Lucas and Caleb 4 months later.

Watching Amy walk in yesterday to the kick-off brought all this rushing back. The tears came fast and hard. It was only a year ago that I met them and I thought our chances of having twins were slim. And yet it was meant to be, kind of. I am so grateful for these two moms. They helped me so much when I was overwhelmed with the idea of two babies at once. And they have been there as I have mourned their loss.

I also cried for what I didn't have yesterday. I wasn't pushing a double stroller with newborn twin boys in it. I wasn't trying to juggle nursing them while visiting with my friends. I wasn't talking about how exhausted I was having two newborns at home and up half the night. And I didn't really know my place with all the new moms who have no idea why some lady is balling her eyes out. Especially the new mom who came in with the most adorable toddler twin girls. But at least they were girls.

But, drum roll, please......
I held a baby boy yesterday. Sarah H. came up with her 4 month old son, Brody. I looked at him and knew I needed to hold him, this particular baby. Then I warned her I would probably start crying. And to my surprise, it didn't hurt that much. The pain that I expected wasn't there. Yes, I did cry a few, but they were of happiness. And thank you Kristan, for shedding a few tears with me. A truly great friend is one who feels your pain as you are travelling this journey and isn't afraid to cry with you anywhere. You help me so much!! And thank you Sarah for letting me hold Brody. I know you may have been a little shocked with how forward I was with it. Thank you for being so understanding.

I know this MOPS year will be lots of fun. I am part of the steering team and am really looking forward to it all. I also know there will be some hard moments as I talk to moms who don't know our story and others who I really haven't shared much with over the summer. I will always remember all the conversations we had last spring as we learned we were expecting twins, then identical boys. The ladies who were so excited for us and ready to bring us meals after they were born, not after they died. And all the conversations about how big I was getting and how different a twin pregnancy was from a singleton. I think only time will soften these memories. But at least I will be surrounded by lots of women who love and care for me. Who are there tears or not. And who are now open to me about the stories of their losses.

A bit more please...

So I know this is my picture of the day also. As I started describing it, I realized there is so much more that I want to write about it. It brings out a flood of different emotions every time I see it. It wasn't until this past Monday that I was actually able to bring myself to take it off my camera and look at it for the first time. I knew it was there the whole time, I just couldn't bring myself to look at it. And I still hadn't realized the emotions it would bring other than the sadness.

I had asked Willy to pick up some peanut M&M's on his back to the hospital. My dad had made it down and sat with me so Willy could take a shower and pick up some things from home. You see, this was taken on Sunday. I had been in the hospital for 24 hours and had 11 weeks and 5 days to go. He took a couple of hours and I was beginning to wonder where he had gone. When he showed up, I begged him for my M&M's. I was having a serious craving and needed them bad!

He pulled out all three containers, each containing a different type. He knew how my cravings changed like the weather in Missouri . And he knew it was going to be a long stay. And he knew it would make me laugh and smile every time I looked at all three containers filled with M&M's. He's an amazing man.

I also look at the other side of this photograph. I am smiling and laughing. I knew I was going to be in this bed for almost 12 more weeks. And I was at peace with it. I was in pain and worried, but we had made it past 24 hours and things were looking good.

This all comes rushing back to me and I think how it all disappeared so quickly. I think about how in 24 hours I would hurt so much and in 48 hours my world would be turned upside down. I think about how ready I was to be in bed for all that time so my babies would be here strong and healthy. I was ready to miss everything, the summer, camping, and my Colton and Ethan. Willy was going to have to be Super Mom and Super Dad along with trying to work.

We were going to do it, we were ready to do, we wish we could have done it.

I am not the same person as I was in this picture. And this makes me sad. I wish I could be as carefree as I was. I wish I still couldn't imagine what it was like to lose a baby. And I wish I was still expecting two more boys. I wish I was getting ready to chase four boys around my house. I wish the egg would have split a little sooner.

So here is the reason behind this picture for today. I have smiled a lot, but I have also cried a lot of tears. The ones that fall on their own and dry up on their own. Days like today are the ones I feel the most comfortable living. They are the ones when I can feel both emotions that I need to. Happiness for my family that is here with me and sorrow for the two boys that watch over me.

First trip to Labor and Delivery

Gestation: 24 weeks

Weight Gain: 34.5 lbs

Food of the week: Coke...I haven't liked Coke for years, but I actually crave it now

Twins length: Approx. 12.5 inches each

Twins weight: Approx. 1.5 lbs each

Well, Tuesday evening, Willy and I had to go to Labor and Delivery due to my having contractions every 4 minutes for 2 hours. By the time they hooked me up, I was having them every 2 minutes for about 25-30 seconds each time. Since they were under 40 seconds and weren't dilating me any, the dr. classified them as Braxton Hicks. They decided to go ahead and keep me overnight for observation to make sure they dikdn't turn in to real contractions. We learned around 3 am or so that if I laid on my right or left side, they would stop, but as soon as I was on my back, sitting up, or standing, they would start back up. They are saying that due to my extra amniotic fluid my uterus is irritated. I will probably contract pretty regularly until the twins arrive. Great times! At least at this point I can say that I am starting to get used to them for the most part. The evenings can be pretty rough, and the nights are pretty long.

The other part of our trip was watching The Great Twin Hunt. Twice the nurses had to find their heartbeats, have them at the same time, for a minute. Both times took 45 minutes to accomplish this feat. They brought in an ultrasound machine to locate them, then would quickly switch to the monitor to get their heart rate. The boys moved TONS, which made it hard to hear. There would be one nurse keeping tabs on Lucas and another looking for Caleb. As soon as she found Caleb for 5 seconds or so, Lucas would move around. It was hard not to laugh at the boys, and when I did it made tons of noise also. Both times when we finally caught them, their heart rates were great.

I was sent home Wednesday morning without bedrest orders. I am so relieved to still have the freedom to get up when I want and my body lets me. My OB said to take it really easy, which I am. Speaking of which, it is time I get back to my post on the couch. My back is screaming and contractions are kicking up some.

Define taking it easy...

Basics:
Weight Gain: 30 lbs (yes, that's 6lbs in one week!)
Diameter: ???
Food of the week: Funnel Cake Sticks from Burger King

I've been trying to take it easy this week. It's really hard to do, especially with two energetic little boys. And the fact that I am a pretty active person and have a hard time sitting still. Even though I've taken pretty easy, more so every day than the previous, I still get Braxton hicks contractions worse every night. Last night I actually had to call the oncall doctor because they averaged every 5 minutes for almost 2 hours. Since they were only 30 seconds in duration, he said to lie down and relax and that they should fizzle out. If they became 1 minute in duration, to call him back. Luckily after 30 minutes of lying on my side, they "fizzled" out and we were able to come home from Mike and Dru's. A big Thank you to Dru for keeping the boys yet another night!

So today I am truly taking it easy. I am not leaving the house, and only leaving the couch for feeding and caring for the boys, potty breaks, and occasionaly checking facebook and email. Let's see how my body handles this tonight. Hopefully it will be an uneventful night.

This week was Colton's last week of school until summer school starts. I truly hope the weather is nice enough over the next couple of week so they can spend plenty of time outside playing and using up all that energy they have.

I'm not eating as much as I have been. The past several days I just don't seem to have the room anymore to put copious amounts of food in my stomach. It was so much fun while it lasted. Now it's back to snacking during the day. Good-bye all-you-can-eat buffets. Our relationship was amazing while it lasted.

And a big THANK YOU to my amazing husband who picks up my slack around the house without so much as a second thought. This house would fall apart without you...or the ants would carry it away. I honestly have no idea how I would survive this pregnancy without you and your support. I love you, Willy!!!

22 weeks

Basics:

Gestation: 22 weeks

Uterus measuring: 28 weeks

Weights: Lucas 1lb and Caleb 1lb1oz

Girth: 48 inches

Weight Gain: 24.5 lbs

Food of the week: Vanillla Ice Cream with strawberries and reeses pieces, all covered with chocolate syrup







I had my 22 week check up today. The boys look great and sounded great! I seem to have more fluid than normal, making my uterus a little bigger than normal. I should measure about 26 weeks, but am measuring at 28 weeks. My doctor is going to bring me in more often and keep me within 100 miles of home. I have also been having braxton hicks contractions daily. She said it is normal and with the extra fluid I will probably even have contractions earlier. If I have 6 or more in an hour, I am to go to L&D. And I have been told to just take it easy.

Lucas is lying across my cervix, which is where he has been for quite awhile. His head is pretty low, which I feel quite often. He is already stubborn and wouldn't give us a good profile view, though. Caleb is up high with his head resting on my lungs. Which I often feel, also.

The past couple of week have been kind of rough. I hurt much more and am having a hard time being on my feet for more than 20-30 minutes at a time. It also seems as though my ankles are beginning to disappear. Which isn't something I've experienced with the other 2 pregancies.

Willy has been extra helpful, which I am grateful for. Colton came down with strep throat, but seems to be better, but it looks as though Ethan may have it now. On the flip side, Ethan is finally potty trained making things a little easier on me.







Caleb
Lucas